


A Lot to Live Up To

by lls_mutant



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-06
Updated: 2010-04-06
Packaged: 2017-10-08 18:07:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 120,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/78146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lls_mutant/pseuds/lls_mutant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dee is promoted to XO of the <i>Pegasus</i>, a lot of people aren't too happy about it.  But no one's unhappier than Hoshi, who thought he should have had the job.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my _awesome_ beta [](http://trovia.livejournal.com/profile)[**trovia**](http://trovia.livejournal.com/)! You ROCK!

"You know she's only XO because she's sleeping with the Commander," Dee heard someone say. She moved very quietly into the mess hall, not attracting any attention to herself. "Hell, she's only a _lieutenant_ because she's sleeping with the Commander. I heard she was an NCO for years."

"Yeah, but she worked in the CIC," someone else said. "She's been doing Communications for longer than you've been out of Officer School."

"She has not. I've got to be a good ten years older than her."

"And there's no more Officer School to be had," a woman pointed out. "Where else are we going to get new officers?"

"Yeah, but still. There were other people on _Galactica_ that were just as qualified."

"Or on the _Pegasus_." Dee recognized that voice as Cole Taylor. "_Galactica_ was always a place for the rejects." She moved so she could finally see the group that was bent over a table, heads together, not secretive so much as eager.

"My point exactly" Dee realized it was a testament to _Galactica_'s lousy wiring system that she hadn't realized that the original speaker was Lieutenant Hoshi from the beginning. "She's uneducated, untrained-"

"Unwashed?" Dee suggested. The others jerked to their feet, but Lieutenant Hoshi sat frozen. "Unworthy? Unintelligent? Untrustworthy?"

Hoshi sighed heavily, and then looked up at her, arms crossed and expression oddly defiant. "I am so frakked, aren't I, sir?" he said.

"Oh yes," Dee said, her mind casting about frantically. What did an XO _do_ in this situation? Tossing him in the brig seemed a bit excessive, and yet she'd never been disciplined for something like this. But the crew was watching her and she had to make a decision _now_. "I think some time in the galley would serve you well, Lieutenant Hoshi," Dee said with as much dignity as she could muster. "And since you seem to have so much spare time to sit around and gossip, why don't you get started there right now?"

Hoshi stood, and met her eyes for a long moment, steely and challenging. She stared him down as evenly and calmly as he could, not an easy task given her height disadvantage. But she won and he saluted- not without an edge of sarcasm- and stomped off.

"Anyone else?" Dee asked. The group was silent. "Then carry on," she snapped, sounding as much like Tigh as she could manage.

Gods, that was a scary thought- deliberately sounding like Tigh. But it worked, and Dee stalked out of the mess hall with her head held high.

***

"So what did Hoshi do that earned him a stint in the galley by your third day?" Lee asked Dee that night as they sat going through the paperwork.

"Oh, nothing too mutinous," she said lightly.

"Right," Lee said skeptically, pushing his stack of papers aside. "Let me guess. He said you're frakking your way to the top?"

"Nothing like it."

"I could put a stop to that," Lee suggested.

"And feed the rumors? No thank you."

"I guess you're right," Lee admitted. "But speaking of frakking…" he reached for her, and it was a good thing she was in love with him or such a come on line would _never_ have worked.

***

The _Pegasus_ was an annoyingly different beast (so to speak) than the _Galactica_. The annoyance, Dee thought, was in how things were similar. If the _Pegasus_ had been completely different, she wouldn't automatically turn left to talk to the tactical station when it was to her right, or reach for the tuning when she meant to reach for the gain.

She stood at the lighted table next to Lee, studying the DRADIS and the arrangement of the ships in the Fleet. It hadn't changed in the four months that she'd been orbiting New Caprica on the _Galactica_, and it hadn't changed in the week she'd been the XO on the _Pegasus_.

"Raptors away, sir," Hoshi confirmed from his station.

"Thank you, Mr. Hoshi," she said. Lee glanced at her out of the corner of his eye and she mentally kicked herself; an XO should not thank a crew member for simply doing his job.

"Should be a routine flight," Lee said, sounding bored. "Lieutenant, notify me if anything goes wrong. You have the deck."

"Yes, Commander." She saluted and Lee left the CIC. She watched him wistfully.

As Lee left, the volume of conversation increased slightly. Dee glared around the CIC, feeling for all the world like a substitute teacher in front of a high school math class. And Hoshi was sitting at the comm unit, smirking like the defiant student who would rather be anyplace else.

Disgusted, Dee turned away, automatically glancing up at the DRADIS screen. Something about the Raptors' paths seemed wrong. They weren't headed for New Caprica.

"Mr. Hoshi," she said sharply. "Where are those Raptors bound?"

"_Galactica_, of course," Hoshi said, sounding all professional and serious. Dee moved over to another station and Martins, the NCO manning the station, pulled up the schedule. As Dee watched, the destination changed from _New Caprica_ to _Galactica_. Martins snickered.

"What the-" Dee began, but a voice came over her headset.

"What's going on? For frak's sake, watch out!" There was a general sound of panic in the background. Dee furrowed her brow, and then suddenly went cold as she realized what had happened. The Raptors had been docking on _Galactica_ right as others had been cleared to launch. She whipped around to face Hoshi, who had a guilty, horrified expression.

"What the frak?" she demanded.

Hoshi was pale. "I…" he began. "The Raptors…"

"I know exactly what happened," Dee said, the pieces quickly falling to place in her head. "You changed the destination. You must have gotten the pilots to agree to it," she realized. Add four more to the list of people not liking her in command. "You just forgot to check the _Galactica_'s outbound schedule." The magnitude of his offense was coming clear to her, and the anger was building. Of all the irresponsible, stupid, insane things-

The comm unit beeped. Hoshi jerked out of his daze and answered it, speaking in short, rapid bursts as the switchboard began to light up. Dee took a deep breath, and then another. And she was not at all surprised when Hoshi said, "Lieutenant, there's a call coming in from the CIC on _Galactica_."

"Put it through," Dee ordered.

"This is _Galactica_ Actual," Adama's voice said over the speaker. Dee glared at Hoshi, who was now back to looking his version of completely innocent. He looked like a drowned rat, Dee thought uncharitably.

"Lieutenant Dualla, Admiral."

"Lieutenant, I was not aware you had Raptors scheduled to dock today."

"It's on the schedule," Dee said through gritted teeth.

"Transferring a schedule to _Galactica_," Hoshi said helpfully.

Dee frantically pulled the schedule back up, and saw that it again said _New Caprica._ She swore, even hearing the change in Adama's silence. Finally, Adama said, "Lieutenant, I want you on the _Galactica_ at 1700 hours."

Dee cringed. "Yes, sir," she said, and her anger began to rise again. She had to bite the inside of her cheek, a trick she'd used frequently on days that Tigh came into the CIC drunk. The comm unit went crackly with static, and Dee took several deep breaths, trying to calm down.

Hoshi flipped a switch and the speaker shut off, and the CIC waited, poised and silent.

"Lieutenant Hoshi," Dee heard herself saying, in inflections that would have made Tigh proud. She turned to face him, pulling herself up as tall as she could manage. "You have two choices. You can admit to arranging this little attempt at a practical joke and march your frakking ass down to the brig for the next three days, or I can go and question the pilots involved. And I am certain, after a near death experience and being chewed out by Colonel Tigh _and_ Admiral Adama, that I'll find out every last detail about your conversation with them, from what time and where it took place to what color underwear they think you had on. And then the four of them _and_ yourself will be spending a solid week in the brig. So, which is it going to be, Lieutenant?"

The look on his face was one of pure hate as he slowly stood up. He saluted angrily, and then gestured with his head to a Marine and spun on his heel, striding out of the CIC silently, with his head held high.

Next to Dee, Martins whistled, watching Hoshi's display. But the rest of the CIC was watching her, and when her eye fell on them, they all jerked back to their jobs. The CIC spun back into operation, and another officer quietly took Hoshi's post without comment.

Dee crossed her arms and stood at the command table. Good.

***

"Lieutenant Dualla," Admiral Adama said, "we need to talk."

"Yes, sir," Dee said, standing at parade rest in front of his desk. "I should explain-"

"I'm not interested in explanations," Adama said. "The sort of error I saw today is not the sort of error I'd expect from a lieutenant that has been proven to be an extremely competent Communications Officer for the past four years. It's also not the sort of error I'd expect from a Communications Officer as competent as Lieutenant Hoshi."

"Sir, I-"

"However," he continued, cutting her off with a stern look, "it is exactly the sort of error I would expect from an XO who can't control her crew."

That stung. Dee opened her mouth to protest, but Adama only had to give her _that_ glance and all her words died on her lips in the face of his disappointment.

"I'm sorry, sir," she said, holding back tears and raising her chin. "It won't happen again."

"It had better not. Dismissed, Lieutenant."

She managed to get the door closed and to take several steps down the hall before the tears started to streak her face. She batted them away irritably.

"Lieutenant Dualla," a familiar voice said.

She wiped her face and turned around. "Colonel."

Tigh took her in, and then cracked a rare smile. He actually smiled. "Come have a drink, Lieutenant," he said, in a gruffly kind tone that Dee had rarely heard from him.

"Yes, sir," she said, falling in behind him.

He led her into his quarters and gestured to a chair and settled down across from her. There was no desk between them, and Dee felt like a child being given her first glass of wine as Tigh handed her the glass of whiskey. He took a sip, and then glanced at her and she did the same. She managed not to make a face at the bitter taste, and he smiled in approval.

"So," he said, "which one's giving you the trouble?"

"Sir?" she asked, surprised.

"Mine was Hershem," Tigh said, a little grin playing around the corners of his mouth. "He was the tactical officer when I was promoted. Found a way to deliberately misinterpret everything I'd say. Caused no small amount of trouble, I can tell you that. So which one is it?"

"Lieutenant Hoshi," Dee admitted.

"Hoshi, huh?" Tigh grunted. "Doesn't really seem the type. Wouldn't think he had it in him."

Dee shook her head once. "Frankly, sir? He's a complete bitch."

Tigh chuckled. "Well then, that should be easy enough. Just deal with him like you'd deal with yourself or Gaeta."

Dee froze. "Me or Gaeta, sir?"

"Oh, don't give me that wide-eyed innocent look. The pair of you were experts at being insubordinate without saying a word. Frustrating as hell, because it's nothing punishable. You're bad enough, but he was even worse about it than you are." But Tigh seemed amused, like a father now having to watch a difficult daughter deal with her own offspring.

Dee shook her head. "Hoshi's not like that," she said. "He's the one who nearly caused the Raptor accident this morning."

"Oh. That's different. So what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know," Dee admitted. "I tossed him into the brig."

"Good start."

"The problem is," Dee said slowly, "I don't think that's going to help. When he went, he made it clear that a little brig time wasn't going to stop him. And he knows his job. We need him in the CIC, and he's smart enough to know it. I could keep him in there and only let him out to work, but I think he'll keep causing trouble when he's on duty, too. I don't have the authority to demote him myself, and I am _not_ asking Lee or the Admiral to do it."

"I see your problem," Tigh grunted. "Some people are hellbent on making trouble." He chuckled dryly. "In that case, deal with him like you'd deal with Starbuck."

"Make his life completely miserable?" Dee asked with something like an evil smile.

"Good girl," Tigh said approvingly. "Find out more about him, what makes him tick." His eyes twinkled over his glass. "Believe me, I have a punishment in mind for every one of the crew, and most of 'em are different."

He clinked his glass against hers, and Dee wondered if she'd joined the dark side. But she saw exactly what Tigh meant, even as she wondered what her punishment would have been. "Thank you, sir."

"You're welcome."

She knocked back the rest of her whiskey with a smoothness that made him smile wider. "Sir?" she asked finally. "What happened to Hershem?"

"They still haven't found the body," Tigh said seriously, and then flashed a smile. "Nah, he was eventually promoted on a different battlestar. It all worked out in the end."

That actually made her feel much better. Dee stood up. "Thank you for the drink, Colonel," she said, and he patted her shoulder.

"You're welcome," he said. "We XOs have to stick together. It's a lonely position, Dee, but you're the right one for it. You'll show him, and when you show him, you'll show them all."

***

"I see Hoshi's following up his brig time with some more galley work," Lee said as they sat down to dinner four nights later. "Should I taste your food for you before you eat it?"

Dee smiled at him affectionately. "Funny."

Lee grinned. "What did he do this time?"

"It's not important." Dee picked up her fork and primly speared the root vegetables that had been found down on New Caprica. "He's just challenging me." And she'd caught him trying to convince their ground contact that Dee had signed off on an order for half the rations that she had. At least he'd scaled back from tampering with events involving heavy equipment, although she suspected that was out of respect for his crewmates than fear of her.

"Should I-"

"No," Dee said curtly, looking up at him. "Definitely not."

"Okay." Lee chewed thoughtfully. "I'm surprised he's giving you grief. He's a good guy. I actually thought the two of you would get along really well."

Dee forced casualness. "I've only been on the _Pegasus_ for two weeks," she said. "He'll settle down."

"Yeah. At least he knows his job." Lee was so obviously approving. He picked up a glass of wine, and his smile widened. "Should we be saying anything to the _Pegasus_ crew about next week?"

_ You know she's only XO because she's sleeping with the Commander._ Dee shuddered. Having the _Pegasus_ crew at her wedding would only emphasize that thought. "No," she said. "Let's keep it small."

Lee shrugged. "Okay." He reached across the table and took her hand. "It's really going to happen, Dee. And we're going to be happy."

She thought of the way her proposed, thought of Kara Thrace and her new promotion and the planet spinning below them. "You're right," she said, smiling her brightest smile. "We will be."

***

Two nights later they went over to the _Galactica_ to have dinner with the Admiral.

When Adama greeted them, he made no mention of the Raptor incident, or a few misplaced calls. Instead, he hugged her and called her "Dee." His quarters were open and inviting, and the table was set for three.

"They sent up some more meat," Adama said, leading them both over to the table.

"Smells good," Lee said appreciatively. "Is that venison?"

"It is. If nothing else, that mudball is good for something."

"They've made a lot of progress on the settlement," Dee said.

"But they have a long way to go." But Adama smiled to take the sting from his comment. He turned to Dee and cleared his throat awkwardly. "I understand Mr. Gaeta is extremely happy down there," he said neutrally.

"He talked your ear off at Founders' Day, didn't he?" Dee asked, keeping her tone deliberately light, aware that Felix was a tricky subject with Adama. But Lee put his arm around her shoulders and laughed.

"Watch out, or you'll be hearing about infrastructure and finance records next week," he teased his father.

Adama smiled finally, and Dee breathed a little easier. "I assumed he'd be at the wedding."

"Yes. He's serving as my witness." Adama and Lee exchanged ruefully amused glances, and Dee wished that there was a female presence here, someone who would actually care about the details of her dress and how she envisioned the ceremony. Adama seemed like he was… lost on this particular subject.

"It's not going to be anything fancy," Lee warned.

"I didn't expect it to be. But it doesn't matter." Adama smiled at her. "It will be nice to have a Mrs. Adama in the family again." He patted her hand. "And I suppose now that we're settled and stable, under the regime of President Baltar, it's even possible to think about-"

"Dad, do _not_ say the words 'Baltar' and 'babies' in the same sentence," Lee warned, heading Adama off at the pass.

All three of them laughed, and the subject changed instead to New Caprica and the evils of President Baltar. Dee noticed that Adama's eyes drifted to her often, and she wondered what he was thinking.

A "Mrs. Adama" in the family again. Was he missing his wife that he never mentioned? Lonely? Wishing that Kara Thrace was sitting her instead of her? Wishing that both she and Kara could be sitting here, with Kara married off to Zac and her with Lee? She liked the last thought best, but didn't want to dwell. But it was a lovely evening of candlelight, wine, and laughter, and the thought that in a week's time, she would be an Adama, too.

Lee piloted the Raptor back to the _Pegasus._ He was humming under his breath, happier than she'd seen him since Founders' Day.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked.

Lee laughed. "I thought we'd at least be able to get married before my father started bugging us for grandchildren." He didn't sound at all upset, though. "He's going to be the biggest pushover anywhere when we finally have a baby." Dee laughed, and reached over to touch Lee's hand. He turned his over and held onto hers tightly. "Dad's really happy about this," he told her. "And so am I."

"Good," Dee said, smiling. "Me, too."

***

Sara Martins was the NCO that thought Hoshi's little Raptor switch was so hysterical. She was taller than Dee, with long brown hair that she wore in a neat braid, huge brown eyes, and a face that was otherwise plain. In truth, when Dee had first come on the _Pegasus_ she'd mistaken Hoshi and Martins for brother and sister for a moment.

Martins was sitting in the rec room, holding court over a triad game when Dee entered.

"Kitchen duty," she was scoffing. "If she honestly thinks _kitchen duty_ or the brig is going to change how Hoshi thinks, she's got another think coming."

"Did you hear?" a knuckledragger named Rison leaned in. "She's actually _marrying_ the Commander next week. Who would have thought?"

"Marrying, huh?" The speaker was a Raptor pilot with the call sign "Easy." "That actually makes me think better of her," she said.

"Better?" Martin said mockingly.

"Well, yeah. I mean, so far the ship's running smoothly. She knows her shit well enough, I'll give her that. And when there's only so many of us left and we're constantly stuck on the same ship, rank lines just don't matter so much anymore."

"You're just trying to justify the fact you're frakking Stinger."

"Not justify," Easy said. "But I have to admit, I get it. Tell me you don't eventually want to go down to New Caprica and start a family."

Martins snorted. "Hell, no. No kids for me." But Rison looked thoughtful.

"Yeah, I guess you've only got so many options to choose from," he admitted.

"Right," Easy said. She laid down a card. "Think about it. Less than 50,000 people left. That means maybe 25,000 men. And then cut out all the ones that are way too old and way too young… if you don't want to spend your life alone, sometimes you have to ignore things like rank."

Martins shook her head irritably. "Look, I don't care if she and the Commander have rainbows and hearts and flowers and hoards of fat babies. That's all fine. But there are plenty of officers that he could have picked for his XO. _Including_ your precious Stinger."

"Cole's CAG," Easy said smugly. "He'd prefer that to XO."

Dee decided she'd heard enough. She slipped out of the rec room. It occurred to her that she rarely saw Tigh in the rec room on the _Galactica_, and she suspected this was why. It wasn't an XO's job to be liked. In fact, quite the opposite. And the crew needed a place to vent.

Of course, that left her with very few places she could retreat to.

She wandered the halls, looking purposeful but really having no clue where she was heading. She eventually found herself on the steps to the quiet hangar deck. No one was around, and it was as quiet as it got on a battlestar. She sat down slowly, enjoying the dim lighting of the inactive deck and the stillness. She wrapped her arms around her legs and rested her chin on her knees and closed her eyes.

There was a clatter down on the hangar deck, startling her from her thoughts. Someone swore, and then started for the stairs. He was a tall, extremely good-looking man, with light, groomed hair and a strong chin. He was wearing green BDU pants and tanks, and was covered with grease. He stomped up the stairs, and then stopped as he encountered Dee.

"What are you doing?" he demanded.

Dee scooted over to the side. "Sorry. Didn't mean to be in the way," she muttered.

"Well, that's very commanding of you," the man said. He looked down at her, and smirked. "What's the matter? Nobody likes the new XO?"

Dee glared at him. "I'm not expecting to be liked," she said, keeping her voice strong and level. It wasn't hard to do. "Being liked isn't my job."

His smirk changed to a smile. "Well, at least you're realistic." He extended his hand. "I'm Narcho. Noel Allison."

She recognized the name. "You're a Viper pilot." He nodded. "What are you doing down on the deck?"

"Just lending a hand." Narcho sat down beside her, extending his legs. "I used to have a motorcycle back home. I miss it. I'm not qualified to tinker with a Viper, but I can at least play with some of the other stuff."

"Where was home?"

"Scorpia. How about you?"

Dee made a face. "Sagittaron."

Narcho looked at her with interest. "Really. Don't see too many of those in the military." He grinned wickedly. "The only other one I know is Hoshi. Who I hear," Narcho said, waggling his eyebrows meaningfully, "is giving you a hard time."

"Nothing I can't handle," Dee assured him. Narcho's grin only widened, and she found herself saying, "He's just spreading rumors that I slept my way into the XO's spot."

Narcho shrugged. "Well, you pretty much did, didn't you?"

That caught Dee totally off guard. "I didn't," she insisted.

"Actually, you did." Narcho seemed completely unaffected by his statement, however. He wrapped his hands around one of his knees and leaned back against the railing. "I mean, if you and Commander Adama have been together long enough that you're getting married in a week, you must have been sleeping with him for a while."

"But _Admiral_ Adama doesn't know that. He knew nothing about our relationship until we told him we were engaged. And _he's_ the one who promoted me. Not Lee."

"But Lee didn't exactly volunteer the information, did he? Might have even put in a good word for you?" Narcho persisted. "Look, all I'm saying is that from where I'm sitting, it sure as hell looks like you slept your way to the top."

It stung, and Dee had to look down for a moment so Narcho wouldn't see her expression. She wanted to continue arguing, but inside her, a little voice was saying _he's right, you know._ And once she listened to it, she couldn't ignore it. She took a breath and pushed her head back up, and smiled.

"So," she said. "Let's say I did sleep my way to the top. What the frak do I do about it now?"

"Hey, there's a reason I'm not XO," Narcho said. "You figure it out. But I'll tell you one thing. Hoshi _hates_ being reminded that he's Sagittaron. If you want to fight dirty with him, that's the way to go."

"Thanks." Dee shook her head. "But why are you telling me this? It doesn't seem like it's _Pegasus_ policy to be nice to the new resident slut."

"I'm not," Narcho denied. "I'm pissed at Hoshi. His little stunt nearly killed three of my friends. No matter how upset he is, nothing justifies that." Dee nodded, and Narcho stood up. He patted her on the shoulder. "Just one more thing," he said.

"What's that?"

"I'm not saying you taking this job isn't his problem, 'cause it is and he's got a right. But he's been getting worse with every new Commander and every new XO. Every time the command structure shifts, it reminds him that Belzen and Cain are dead, and believe me, that's not easy for him to deal with." Before Dee could comment or question, Narcho headed up the stairs, his boot steps echoing through the empty hangar deck.

She turned back around, and began to think. He hadn't given her much to go on, but he'd given her something, and that was a start. And more than that, Dee wondered if maybe she'd made her first friend on board the _Pegasus._

***

Dee had just stepped out of the shower when she saw Hoshi stripping to get in. "So, _Lieutenant_," he said, with just a little too much emphasis on her rank, "are all the plans ready for the big day when Lee Adama finally makes an honest woman out of you?"

Dee smiled sweetly. "I was honest already, but yes. Jealous, are we?"

Hoshi snorted. "Like I'd want to sleep with Lee Adama."

Well, _that_ made the Sagittaron thing make sense. "Maybe you should come," Dee said, toweling off. "My witness might be just your type. Although I think he prefers men that are a little less prone to getting people killed as a practical joke."

He glared at her. "It wasn't a joke," he said darkly, and then pulled the tanks off over his head. "So is your witness _giving you away_?" Hoshi asked, all knives and mocking. "Walking you down the aisle? Presenting you as a gift along with your dowry, or getting New Caprican cattle in return? Or command of a battlestar?"

"As a matter of fact, he is." Dee dropped her towel and struggled into her bra. "That's the thing about _our_ Sagittaron traditions," she said, watching his face. And there it was, just like Narcho said, a wince. "They might have their roots in fundamental misogyny and pigheadedness, but these days they're about family. Personally, I think it's a lovely thought to have someone you love escort you down the aisle, don't you? Wouldn't _you_ have wanted your father there?"

It was funny, because those words hurt her badly enough. But they really hit him, harder than she'd expected. He tossed his tanks into his locker with great force and slammed the door. "Frak off," he said, and headed for the shower. "And don't think I don't know that earned me another day in the galley," he said.

"Two in the sewage," she retorted. "Keep it up and it will be three." He glared at her, and then slammed the door on his stall.

She finished dressing in the ensuing silence, and left the head grinning with the satisfaction of a job well done.

***

Their wedding day was gray. Dee made a face when she saw the sky and shivered in the cold. She probably should be dressed in something more substantial than her sleeveless black dress, but the only other dress she'd found was the white one she'd worn when Billy was shot, and that wasn't appropriate. The scarf that she'd borrowed had already been used for three weddings in the Fleet, and was starting to show its age. It was silvery, with some fraying beading at the ends, and it was the closest she could get to a veil.

She stood on the shore of a river at a distance from the rest of the wedding party and waited. Finally, she saw Felix cutting through the trees, stepping carefully so he wouldn't splatter mud everywhere. From a distance he looked good in his suit, but as he got closer, she could see that he wasn't sleeping and looked a little strained. But she forced it away, because it was her wedding day, Gods damn it.

"Are you ready?" he asked her, with a smile.

Dee glanced back at the knot of people. She could see Lee, standing in his dress uniform, pretending not to look her way. Neither of them actually believed that hokey tradition about the groom not seeing the bride, but traditions were about all they had left. She loved him for understanding that, and turned back to Felix with a smile. "Not really how I pictured this," she admitted, holding out the scarf.

Felix took it from her, studied it like it was one of his nonlinear differential equations, and then cautiously draped it over her head. "Is this right?"

"I don't know. I've never gotten married before." But it felt like it would stay on if she took a step.

He touched the fabric gently. "Borrowed?"

"No, just something I happened to have in my storage locker." She glanced back at the bank, and she could see Admiral Adama now standing beside Lee. She took a deep breath. "I think I'm ready."

"You look beautiful," he said with a smile.

It was at that moment that Dee realized just how lonely she'd been these past three weeks on the _Pegasus_. She had Lee, but no one else. She missed having Felix to talk to and laugh with. She reached out and awkwardly hugged him, something she'd never been able to do because she'd been a petty officer and he'd been a lieutenant. "I'm glad you're here," she whispered.

He patted her shoulder awkwardly, and then took her hand. "Well," he said, "let's go."

She clung to his hand harder than she meant to as he walked her over to where Lee and the Admiral and the priest were waiting, and it occurred to her that she'd very much told Hoshi the truth. She wanted her family- whatever her family was- with her as she made this commitment. Especially, she thought, noting Starbuck standing in the gathering, as she wondered just how wise a commitment this was to be making.

But Lee's eyes stayed on her for the entire ceremony, and his smile was completely genuine. Dee knew him well enough to see that. She lost himself in her eyes, and when the priest asked her if she promised to love and cherish, she was able to say _I do_ with all her heart.

And when they kissed, the Admiral was the first one to begin clapping.

***

Weddings weren't what they were before the attacks, that was for certain. The party afterwards was small and drab, and there was no honeymoon. But Dee couldn't have cared less. Lee was beside her the entire time, his arm around her waist or shoulders, his hand wandering to less appropriate places when he thought no one was looking. She had to keep swatting it away (and doing the same to him), both of them buoyant with laughter.

Before long, it was time to return to the _Pegasus._ Bill Adama came over and shook Lee's hand, and then kissed Dee on both cheeks. "I'm very glad you have you as a daughter," he murmured in her ear.

"Thank you," Dee answered, resisting the temptation to call him _sir_. She looked around at the small gathering. Helo and Starbuck and Laura Roslin were all laughing at something. Colonel Tigh and his wife were talking to Starbuck's new husband Anders. Felix was standing off to the side, fiddling with the cuffs of his new suit jacket and looking far away, but his smile turned real when he caught her watching. Kat and Hot Dog and Racetrack were trying to get dancing started to a wireless with incredibly bad reception. Everywhere there were happy faces… her _Galactica_ family. Dee couldn't have been happier.

"Are you ready, Mrs. Adama?" Lee came up behind her. "If you'll excuse me, Dad, but I think my _wife_ and I have some honeymooning to do…"

"Lee!" she protested, but Adama was laughing as well.

"Go on, you two. Have a… good time."

"Oh my gods," Dee said as they ducked into a Raptor, dodging thrown "flowers" that were more like weeds. "Your dad just told us to go have sex. That's something I just did not need to hear."

"Me either," Lee laughed. He guided the Raptor back up to the _Pegasus._ "That's funny," he said as he flew them in. "I thought-"

The rest of his sentence was cut off as they both noticed the banner and the streamers, and the entire crew standing at attention as their Raptor docked. "What the-" Lee began, but as they climbed off the Raptor, Captain Taylor and Lieutenant Finnegan both popped open champagne, and the cheering began.

Lee stood on the edge of the Raptor with his arm around her. "Thank you," he said, waving to them all. "This means so much to me- to us." And then they were caught in a crushing sea of congratulations.

Dee wasn't counting, but she was sure that Lee's hand was shaken twice as much as her own. It made sense, after all, as Lee had been on the _Pegasus_ so much longer, and he was just… Lee. But it still felt odd.

"Congratulations, Lieutenant Adama."

Dee startled at the name, and jerked around to see Hoshi staring at her, with a blank expression on his face. "Thank you," she said cautiously, extending her hand. "But it's still Dualla. I'm keeping my name."

He ignored her proffered hand, and she pulled it back before anyone noticed. "How very… un-Sagittaron of you," he said waspishly. He glanced warily at Lee, who was talking enthusiastically to some of the pilots, and then extended a small, wrapped package to Dee. "I thought you might appreciate this."

Dee's eyebrows shot up to her hairline. Hoshi was the last person she expected to give her a wedding present. But she understood when she unrolled the wrapping to reveal a prayer icon of Hestia. "The goddess of hearth and home," she said dryly.

"And fertility," Hoshi added. "Given that you're a traditional, _family-oriented_ Sagittaron girl, I figured you could make use of this. Pray for those babies to start coming as soon as possible." His grin had an edge of wickedness in it. "I know I will be." He drew back, saluted, and then melted back into the crowd.

Dee glared after him, and then Lee touched her hand and jerked her back to the present.

Goddess of fertility indeed. Frakking bastard.  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoshi might not be happy about Dee being XO, but he does know the _Pegasus_.

  
"It was good to see you," Helo said, hugging her goodbye.

"It was good to see you, too," Dee said. "I wish I could get back here more, but then it looks like I'm favoring _Galactica_ over _Pegasus_, and we can't have that." She rolled her eyes.

"But _Galactica is_ better than _Pegasus_," Helo said, with mock wide-eyed innocence. She batted him, laughing. "Don't worry, Dee. People understand that you have ties here. Besides, you're not XO here. You don't need to keep your distance from everyone."

Dee sighed. "I know. But I'm still…" she shut her mouth firmly, even as Helo raised his eyebrows in an invitation for her to continue. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't complain."

"Talking to a friend isn't complaining," Helo pointed out. "If it is, that's all I've done the entire time that you've been here- complain about Sharon still being in the brig."

Dee smiled and patted his arm. "It's different," was all she could say. "I'll see if I can talk to the Admiral," she heard herself saying.

"Thank you," Helo said. "I know he'll change his mind when he's good and ready to change his mind, but…"

"But," Dee agreed with a smile that hid her distaste. Intellectually, she knew that this was not the same Sharon Valarii that had shot the Admiral. But the memories were still sharp and clear. But Helo was Helo, and he had a way of making people believe in the best possible outcome. She hugged him once more, and then boarded the Raptor headed back to the _Pegasus._

"Have a good visit?" Narcho asked as he began the preflight check.

"It wasn't a visit," Dee said. "I had business here."

"Didn't say you didn't," Narcho said, glancing upwards and flicking a switch. "But I'm not stupid, Lieutenant. I know you've got friends here, too. Nothing wrong with that. It's not like it used to be, when we all had friends outside the military."

"Yeah. I guess so," Dee said. She looked wistfully out the front window of the Raptor to where Helo was moving back into the _Galactica_. She'd been on the _Pegasus_ for a month, and she still felt like a complete outsider.

It was just herself and Narcho, so she slipped up into the co-pilot's seat. "So how's the attempt at a motorcycle coming along?" she asked, shooting in the dark as to how he really spent his spare time on the hangar deck.

Narcho paused, looked to the side and grinned at her. "You're not going to tell the Commander."

"No," Dee laughed.

"For something that I'm cobbling together out of the worst spare parts I can manage, it's not doing too badly," he said. He fiddled with a lever. "I could use a hand, though."

"I don't know much about motorcycles."

"I'll teach you."

That was the point when Dee realized that Narcho was feeling much like she was. A lot of the pilots had mustered and settled on New Caprica, and the crews that were left were small. "You can't find anyone else?" she asked cautiously. "Stinger?"

"He's… busy. He's got a girl." Narcho looked away. "Besides, Stinger can fly and he can do tactics, but he's shit when it comes to the actual machinery. He'd probably electrocute himself."

"Yeah," Dee laughed. "Yeah, sure," she said finally. "I'd like that."

Narcho grinned at her. "Me, too."

***

The first stop Dee had to make when she was back on the _Pegasus_ was the brig. When she got there, Hoshi was lying on the cot, staring up at the ceiling.

"Lieutenant," she said sharply.

Hoshi turned his head. Any other crewman would have jerked to his feet by now, but he just turned his head. "Yes?" he drawled.

Dee stared at him, exasperated. "Are you _trying_ to stay in the brig?" she demanded. "First disobeying an order-"

"It was a stupid order," Hoshi interrupted, finally sitting up. His eyes flashed with impatience. "You can't reroute the power from the weapons grid that way; you'll leave the ECM generators insufficiently powered. This is a _Mercury_ class battlestar, not an antique like the _Galactica_."

"You're not in here for disagreeing with me," Dee said. "You're in here for deliberately disobeying an order."

"Don't see much of a difference," Hoshi said stubbornly.

"Really," Dee drawled. "You know," she said finally, "brig time isn't going to look good in your file when I finally do pop out that baby that you're so ready for me to have." She crossed her arms and stared him down. "There's not a whole lot of opportunity left for advancement in the military, is there? And as the years go on, there's going to be less and less."

"What do you _care?_" Hoshi demanded. "If I want to frak my career over, what's it matter to you, anyway?"

"It doesn't," Dee said primly. "But what does matter to me is running this ship. Now listen. I'm sick of having my Communications Officer in the brig, and I'm sick of how you're getting there. If you earn yourself three more days of brig time in the next month, you're eligible for a dishonorable discharge. If the Cylons were after us, everyone would look the other way. But they're not. So unless you want to settle on New Caprica, and I'm guessing you don't want to, you'll cool it."

Hoshi made a face. "I'll be good," he said mockingly. "Are we done with the lecture?"

Dee nodded and entered the code. "We're done," she said as the brig door opened up. "Get back to work."

He left, but right as he was going to leave the brig he turned around. "I mean it about the ECM generators," he told her. "If you leave them powerless, we're going to be in bad shape if the Cylons ever find us again. I know everyone says they won't, but I won't bet the _Pegasus_ on it." He touched the nearby wall gently. "This ship is my home, Lieutenant. Don't frak it up."

Dee inclined her head in a nod. "Thank you, Lieutenant," she said with as much dignity as she could put into her voice. "I'll take it into advisement."

***

"I took another look at the schematics," Dee told Lee later that night, "and we did miscalculate. Rerouting that circuit does drain the power from the ECM generators, and if the Cylons find us again-"

"The Cylons aren't going to find us again, Dee," Lee interrupted wearily.

Dee bit her lip. "I know that," she said carefully. "But it is our job to believe they will. And if the Cylons do find us, then we won't have time to put the circuit back and reinstate the generators, especially as it takes a few minutes to be fully online. I hate to say it, but I think Hoshi's right about this one."

Lee finally looked up. "You think Hoshi's right?" he laughed. "Well, I should take it based on that alone."

"Maybe you should," Dee said seriously.

"I'm joking, Dee. We're rerouting the power because of the tylium supply. We've got enough to keep the ships in the air for the next five years, but barely. We have to be selective and use as little power as possible in order to conserve what we've got. And the communications and nav systems are harder to get back online than the ECMs."

"But the Cylons-"

"The Cylons aren't going to find us, Dee." He repeated it resignedly. "And even if they did, we're two battlestars, not an entire Fleet. We're no fighting force." He threw a pen onto the table irritably. "We're a lighthouse, until the Beast here gets decommissioned."

"Lee-"

"Dee, it's _over_, okay? All that matters is getting New Caprica going and getting the people the resources they need."

"But if we had the tylium…" Dee rifled through the papers. "Look. Gaeta sent a report up just yesterday. There's so much debris around here, they were able to find tylium in some of it. It's not much, but it would help, and if we could keep the generators online-"

"I keep telling you, the ECMs are only good for deflecting nuclear weapons, and for that to be at all applicable there needs to be a nuclear attack."

"Which there will be if-"

"You know what? Fine!" Lee threw his hands up in the air. "If you can get Baltar to mine tylium and get us up to this level-" he tapped a figure, "then we can keep the generators online, okay?"

"Thank you." Dee bit down the scowl and forced a smile instead. "And in five years, when the Cylons haven't attacked, you can say you told me so, okay?"

Lee smiled at her. "Okay," he said. He moved over and kissed her forehead. "And believe me, I will."

***

Getting Baltar to agree to mine tylium probably wouldn't be easy, but fortunately, Dee had more sense than to try talking to Baltar.

"They've had the operation up for a week now," Felix told her, his voice alive with static over the comm unit. "That one was easy, given that we have tylium miners and refiners. But your problem is going to be convincing them that the military gets dibs."

"What do you mean?" Dee asked.

"Dee, you've got nothing to trade. No food, no-"

"We've got medical supplies and military protection."

"They're Sagittarons."

"Oh."

"I've softened them up for you, but I think they need to actually deal with the people who need the tylium. I've told them you can probably work something out as far as trading clothing rations or food rations- we can juggle what's being sent up to you from some of the others so that you've got something of value to give the Sagittarons."

"You don't have any non-Sagittarons mining?"

"Not tylium." He was thoughtful for a moment. "When you take a pass at them, talk to Xeno Fenner. He's the foreman on the ship, and I think he'll be the most approachable. It's easy to get forget the past few years down here," he said. "But I'll bet it's a lot harder when you're up there."

"Probably," Dee said grimly. She looked around at the CIC. Even though it wasn't the same one she'd served on, she could see where glass had shattered and where repairs had been made. She could see the past months on the faces of the men and women serving. Felix was right; it was impossible to forget the Cylons here. No wonder Hoshi had gotten to her. "Thanks, Felix."

"Any time. When are you coming down?"

"As soon as Lee gives me the clearance. Should be this afternoon."

"All right." She could almost see him consulting his schedule. "Listen, I can meet your Raptor when you land and take you over to their setup. I might even be able to stay if I can get some of this other stuff finished up first."

"Great." Dee thought she really wouldn't have minded if Hoshi had gone down to be Baltar's Chief of Staff and Felix had stayed on to be Watch Officer up here, although there were a million reasons that that would never have happened. "I'll see you this afternoon."

***

"You want me to take _who?_" Dee demanded.

"Look," Lee said, walking with her to the Raptor, "you and Hoshi are the ones who feel that this needs to be done. So you two can deal with it together."

"And then we can learn how wrong we were about each other, and learn the value of teamwork and how to work together, right?" Dee said sarcastically.

Lee stopped. "Dee," he said, taking her by the shoulders, "I know Hoshi has been giving you a hard time that you don't deserve. But I really disagree with the both of you that we need to have these generators up. I wouldn't be able to argue it persuasively." He sighed. "Besides, the both of you are Sagittaron. You know how to talk to these people."

Dee debated taking offense, but decided not to. Lee didn't mean it like that, and he did look tired and strained. "All right," she said. "But if I drag back a dead body, I don't get brig time."

Lee laughed. "If you drag back a dead body, I'm not crossing you," he said. "I'll take that as my lesson."

"Good," she said primly. "You should."

To her relief, Narcho was waiting by the Raptor bound for New Caprica. At least she had him on her side. He smiled and waved, but something about it seemed off. She turned around and realized he hadn't been waving at her at all, but at Hoshi, who had entered the hangar deck several yards behind them.

"Good luck," Lee said, kissing her quickly. "I'll see you later."

Dee smiled at him, and then headed towards the Raptor, where Narcho and Hoshi were already talking.

"If I can get my hands on a fuel cell, I should be able to get her going," Narcho was saying. "It will take some doing, but-"

"But that's never stopped you before," Hoshi finished with a smirk. "Do you have anything you can trade for a fuel cell?"

"A few cubits, sexual favors, internal organs…. Lieutenant," he said, spotting Dee walking towards them and snapping to attention. Hoshi saluted as well, but after a deliberate pause. Dee decided to ignore it for the moment.

"Let's go," she said with a heavy sigh.

Hoshi immediately commandeered the co-pilot's seat as they climbed into the Raptor. Narcho glanced at Dee and rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "Have you been down to the surface much, Lieutenant?" he asked her formally as he launched the Raptor.

"No, I've been keeping busy up here."

"Busy," Hoshi said dryly.

"Well, when my Communications Officer is in the brig, someone has to fill in the gaps," Dee said crossly.

"That would explain why my station was all screwed up today. That's what happens when a jumped-up NCO takes over an officer's position."

"Funny, isn't it?" Dee asked Narcho, "that on _Galactica_ an NCO handles Communications but on _Pegasus_ it takes someone who's been through the Academy? Says something about the intelligence of the NCOs."

"Or that the controls of the _Galactica_ are so simple a monkey could direct the calls."

"All right, kids, stop it or I'll turn this Raptor around," Narcho snapped. Dee saw him fix a steely gaze on Hoshi, but he also managed to glance back and glare at her, too. She realized that sticking her tongue out at them would not in any way be considered commanding or professional, and neither would sulking in the back seat like a teenager. She opened her files.

Narcho was the first to clear his throat. "Stinger got time on the pyramid court tomorrow at 1900 hours," she heard him tell Hoshi. "You in?"

"I'll have to see. I might be on watch." He glanced back at Dee, who made a note of it and decided he would be if he decided to make trouble on this mission. "Who all is playing?"

"Easy, Trapdoor, Simmons, Martins, Stinger, Stroud, and me. If you play we can make it four on four."

"Sounds good." They continued talking in low voices, and Dee pulled out the schematics that she'd brought with her and continued rehearsing what she wanted to say to Xeno Fenner. She was able to get through her notes once before the Raptor landed, kicking up dust and shutting down with a few efficient clicks. Narcho opened the door and took off his helmet, and Dee clambered out.

She was relieved to see Felix on the edge of the landing field, waiting for them with a smile and a sheaf of papers in his hand. He waved enthusiastically. "Hello, Lieutenant Tigh," he joked as she approached, giving her a mock salute. His smile was warm, and he pulled her into a quick hug. "How are you?"

"Good," she said brightly, especially because Hoshi and Narcho were close in tow. She turned slightly so she could introduce them. "This is Baltar's Chief of Staff and the former Tactical Officer on _Galactica_, Felix Gaeta," she told them. "He's been working with Fenner on the ground. Lieutenant Allison and Lieutenant Hoshi," she said, gesturing to each of them in return.

Hoshi smiled at Felix with more charm than Dee had previously suspected him of having. "We've met," he said, still extending his hand.

"Oh yeah, sure, you're Communications on _Pegasus_," Felix said, shaking Hoshi's hand with an easy, casual smile. "Gods, you've checked out that console, haven't you, Dee?" He sighed longingly. "No wonder they can combine Communications and Tactical into one position. That is one sweet setup you've got there."

"We were even going to upgrade right before the attacks," Hoshi said. "We would have been able to install advanced navigation software that would have made calculating a jump easier-"

"The NAVQUAL package?" Felix asked enviously.

"Yeah. We had the CNP installed, and we would have been the first ship with the NAVQUAL upgrade, but the attacks hit and…" Hoshi shrugged. "I guess it wouldn't have been much use to us anyway, given that it needed to interface with the Colonial Defense Mainframe, but still. It would have been _amazing._"

They both sighed, and Dee shook her head in exasperation. "Are we done?" she asked them sternly.

Felix snapped himself back. "Sorry," he apologized, both to her and Narcho, who was staring at the pair of them with an abject sort of horror. "Finding someone who gets this stuff in civilian politics is not as easy as you might think."

Narcho blinked in confusion. "Baltar _wrote_ the CNP, from what I've heard."

Felix's expression iced over, but all he said was, "So he did. Shall we go take on Xeno Fenner?" And just like that, the expression was gone. Dee had a bad feeling about that, but Felix was gesturing for them to follow, and this was most definitely not the moment for a heart-to-heart.

New Caprica was still a gray place. Although the fresh air felt good and it was nice to see the sky, everything about the place still seemed gray and drab. And it only looked worse as Felix led them towards the shipyard. "Xeno Fenner's set up shop near the yards," he explained. "Which makes sense. When the _Hitei Khan_ isn't off mining, it's best just to do the refining right here." He pointed to where the _Hitei Khan_ was perched on a small hill, slightly removed from the other ships.

A whistle blew, signaling a break, and people began to emerge from the ship. They were ragged and filthy; refinery workers on a lunch break. They looked at the three officers with clear distaste, and Dee sighed. She understood pacifism, to an extent, although she didn't agree with it. She couldn't understand why anyone would condemn the military after what they'd all been through.

Behind her, she heard Hoshi clear his throat, and Narcho whispered something.

A tall, thin, red-headed man with a hard face was waiting for them. Felix waved, sidestepping a puddle as he led them over. The man Dee assumed to be Fenner had obviously been discussing something with someone Felix whispered was called Cabott, who looked up with irritation when they approached.

"Mr. Fenner," Felix said brightly, extending his hand. "Thanks for meeting with us today. This is Lieutenant Dualla, XO of the _Pegasus_, Lieutenant Hoshi, and Lieutenant Allison."

"Nice to meet you," Fenner said grudgingly. "But it isn't going to matter, Gaeta. I told you, we're working at capacity as it is. Can't get any more tylium than I'm getting."

"Come on, Xeno," Felix said. "We can work something out. We can increase the food rations or the clothing credits or-"

"Some things can't be bought," Fenner insisted.

"Mr. Fenner," Dee said, with her chin thrust high, "can I take the time to explain the situation to you?"

It was only in a Sagittaron settlement that someone would dare to smile that condescendingly at her. "It's your time to waste," he said with a shrug.

Dee pulled out the charts. "Look," she said, setting them down on the work table. Fenner glanced at them, but Dee noticed Cabott looking intently over his shoulder. "With the tylium you're able to provide us with, we're able to keep the _Pegasus_ in the air, as well as keeping the Vipers and Raptors fueled. But what we can't do is keep some of the important systems up."

"Yeah, I know. Gaeta here was going on about the EMC generators."

"ECM generators," Hoshi jumped in. "Electronic countermeasures. They provide the bulk of the _Pegasus_'s defense against nuclear attack. If the Cylons-"

"The Cylons aren't coming back, or so Baltar's told us," Fenner said. "Even Adama admits that one. They aren't going to find us here. So why should we be keeping you all in your ungodly positions, when you could be down here actually doing some work?"

"I understand your position," Dee said, resisting the urge to grind her teeth together. "I know that the Sacred Scrolls say that violence shall be abhorred. That those who practice it are pariahs and plagues on humanity, that you shall not raise hand nor stick nor weapon to those created by the Gods. But the Cylons, Mr. Fenner, were not created by the Gods. The Cylons are machines, created by humans."

"Not by me. They aren't my problem," Fenner insisted.

"They are if they happen to find us again, Mr. Fenner. Is that really a risk you want to take, leaving us completely undefended?"

He eyed her suspiciously. "I saw that documentary," he said. "The one about the _Galactica_. You're Sagittaron, aren't you?"

"Yes…" Dee said slowly, drawing the syllable out.

Fenner shook his head. "You should know better."

"I know that without the _Galactica_ and the _Pegasus_, the human race would have ceased to exist." Dee decided to change tact. "Mr. Gaeta worked up a system that we can trade-"

"It doesn't matter what you trade," Fenner said stubbornly. "Look, I get what the military's done, okay? You know as well as I do what I should have said when you said that the human race would have ceased to exist."

"That maybe that's the Gods' plan, and we should accept it," Hoshi answered, his face stony. Fenner did a double take, but then nodded.

"Exactly. But I look around at all these people, and I can't bring myself to say that. I just can't. So, yeah. I'm grateful to the military. But gratitude doesn't mean I have to stay chained to you all when I know it's wrong, just because you did us a service in the past. You get the tylium to keep the Fleet in the air, and that's it."

Dee was about to say more when Narcho interrupted. "Whose bike is that?" he asked, pointing, as if he hadn't been paying attention at all.

Cabott glanced over to where an old but well maintained motorcycle rested against the side of the _Hitei Khan._ "It's mine," he said. "I was headed to Leonis for a trip with some friends when the Cylons attacked," he explained. "Hasn't done me much good till now, but now that we're settled, I can bring it on out."

"Can I see her?" Narcho asked, eyes still fixed on the bike.

"Go," Fenner told Cabott, rolling his eyes. "I'll sort this mess out." Narcho went off with Cabott, and Fenner turned back to Dee, Felix, and Hoshi. "Not that there's much left to sort out," he said. "I think we're pretty clear here."

_ It's easy to get forget the past few years down here. But I'll bet it's a lot harder when you're up there._ "Could I get a look at the ship?" Dee asked suddenly.

"What?"

"The _Hitei Khan._" Dee gestured. "I've never been in it." All three men were looking at her like she'd lost her marbles. "Please," she insisted. "I'd really like to."

"Fine," Fenner said, shrugging. "Come on."

Dee looked at Felix and Hoshi. "Stay out here," she ordered. They both looked perfectly happy to obey. The smell of tylium was overpowering as Dee and Fenner stepped aboard. "How many people work on board?" she asked.

"Full crew for a shift is about one hundred and twenty," he said. "If we do three shifts, it makes it about three hundred sixty."

"Seems like a lot of people for a small space," Dee said.

"That's nothing. Since we had FTL, we took on extra people. At one point we had six hundred and seventy three people on this ship.

"It must have been difficult," Dee said sympathetically.

"There were times you could barely move," Fenner agreed. "We had to limit everything; rations, showers, times people could use the head, space people could use, how much people could have with them… and then a lot of the people who came on board after the attacks had kids with them. And you can imagine how difficult it is for kids on a tylium refinery ship." Dee made a sympathetic noise.

They walked on through the ship, and as Fenner showed her the crew quarters, the work floor, the control rooms, the docking bay, and the dining area, the picture of life on the small ship during the time after the attacks became clearer and clearer. Fenner saw it too, she could see the memories dancing across his face. She deliberately led him down certain roads: _How did the children handle it when the Cylons found us? What was it like on this ship that first week, when we jumped every thirty three minutes? Tell me about the prayers people said when they were scared or terrified or didn't know how much longer their lives would last._

Somehow, they ended up sitting across from each other in the mess hall- dining hall, Dee corrected herself sternly. Now that she'd gotten him started, Fenner was hard to stop. He told her about the way the children once huddled together when they heard the announcement _Set Condition One throughout the Fleet_, but by the end they just kept playing, because they were so used to it. He told her about how in those first few days, he'd had people sick from the feeling of jumping. How people adapted to their tight quarters, limited resources, and unbearable losses. How they'd had seven suicides over the past months, and other deaths as well. As he spoke, she felt the ghosts of those days coming to life around her, and she could see he felt it, too.

They might be safe on New Caprica, but it would take years for the wounds of these months to heal.

"I don't know if I could ever go back to those times," Fenner said. "Watching my people suffer like that, living in that sort of fear…" He shook his head. "The Cylons _can't_ find us again. We can't do it."

"But if they do, we'll have to," Dee said softly. "It's a better option than dying under them. We'll have to be able to _run._ I know you don't like the military, Xeno. My father didn't, either. Believe me, when I joined, it wasn't a decision I made lightly. But the _Galactica_ and the _Pegasus_ are what allow the civilians to keep running, to find havens like New Caprica. I know it's not going to happen, but _if_ the Cylons do manage to find us, the _Pegasus_ must not be defenseless, or so is everyone else. Don't let everything you've suffered be for nothing."

Fenner looked around the ship and nodded slowly. "We'll work something out," he agreed finally.

Dee closed her eyes in relief, but kept her smile in check. "Thank you, Mr. Fenner," she said.

"Come on," he said gruffly, standing up, "let's go get Cabott and your boys and discuss the logistics of this."

They went out into the cold, watery sunshine. Felix and Hoshi were bent over the schematics that Dee had brought with her, so deep in computer talk that even Dee only understood about half of what they were saying. And Narcho and Cabott were approaching, grinning and grease-covered.

"Boss," Cabott said when he spotted Fenner, "we can get these guys something, can't we?"

Narcho winked at Dee, and Dee smiled slyly as Fenner looked at Cabott with surprise. "I guess so," Fenner said. "I was coming out here to tell you the same thing."

"Oh my Gods," Dee said quietly as Narcho stepped near her, wearing a triumphant smirk. "You used the motorcycle to win him over, didn't you?"

"_And_ get connections to someone who can hook me up with a fuel cell," Narcho said smugly. "Good day. Shall we rein the geek squad in?" he asked, jerking his thumb at Felix and Hoshi.

Dee stifled a giggle. "I think so." She raised her voice. "Lieutenant Hoshi."

Felix and Hoshi both looked up, eyes wide as if they were surprised at their location, and began putting the schematics away. "Got everything worked out?" Felix asked Fenner and Dee as he came over.

"Yeah," Fenner told Felix, "although I want to talk to you about the logistics of exactly how we're going to make it work. I'm not keen on all of them," he jerked his chin towards the workers, "finding out that we're doing extra work for the military."

"We can make that happen, Mr. Fenner," Felix said smoothly. "Why don't you and I work that out tonight? Come to my office at after the day's shift is over?"

A whistle blew and the workers began moving back towards the _Hitei Khan._ Fenner nodded. They fixed the time, and then Dee turned with her contingent to leave, a satisfied smile still tugging at the corners of her mouth.

They hadn't gotten far when a handful of mud hit Hoshi's shoulder. Hoshi turned sharply, but to his credit he didn't react any further. He looked determinedly forward and kept walking.

"Hey." The speaker was a man with dirty hands and a wild look in his eyes. "Hey, you. Lieutenant Hoshi."

"Just keep walking," Felix hissed, but Hoshi stopped and turned around at the fact the man actually identified him by name.

"Specialist Macrene," he said slowly.

"Specialist," Macrene said mockingly, spitting on the ground. "I'm no specialist. At least, I never was. I was a frakking systems analyst, and you know it." He stepped up close. "At least until your crew hauled me off the _Scylla_ and put me to work on that damned battlestar."

"Not by my orders," Hoshi said defiantly. Dee glanced over at Felix and Narcho, who were both poised, ready for action. Hoshi's fists were clenched as well. "I had nothing to do with what happened on the _Scylla._"

"But you didn't stop it, did you?" Macrene demanded. "And you should have. You're one of us."

Hoshi's eyes narrowed. "I am _not_ one of you."

Macrene laughed. "Sure you are. You told me when I came aboard. You're a Sagittaron, and you stood by and let that bitch kill civilians. _Civilians._" He turned around. "My frakking family was on that ship," he shouted. "My wife and my two girls. And I had to go serve on the _Pegasus_ or they would have been shot, and _he_ just stood there and let it all happen."

"Let's go," Felix said urgently. "_Now._"

Dee nodded, and Narcho grabbed Hoshi by the arm. "Come on."

"That's right!" Macrene shouted as Narcho pulled Hoshi away. "Run off to the killers and the godless. You will be judged! You will have to pay!"

Hoshi opened his mouth to respond, but Fenner had caught up to them, his face hard and angry. "Macrene!" he shouted. "Whistle's blown. Unless you want your rations docked, you get back to work right now!" He glared menacingly at the man, and Macrene retreated, grumbling on the way. Fenner turned to Hoshi. "Get out of here. Get out of here right now."

Hoshi saluted. "Aye, sir. With pleasure." To Dee's relief, he stomped off. Narcho shot her an inquiring glance, and she gestured with her head to go after him.

"Mr. Fenner," Dee began.

"Don't," Fenner said, still looking angry. "Damn it, I should have thought of that. Not like I haven't heard the story enough times. Poor bastard has been through enough."

"We all have," Dee said firmly, although the thought of what Macrene had apparently been through chilled her to the bone.

Fenner grunted. "You want that tylium," he said, "you don't come around here again," he said. "Let Gaeta here deal with me. I've got my people to think of, just like you've got yours."

"All right," Dee said, extending her hand. "I'll make sure of it."

Fenner measured her with his eyes, and then shook it. "Good. I've got to get back to work. Macrene's going to be useless for the rest of the shift, I'm sure." He turned and left.

Dee looked at Felix. "My Gods…" she began.

"Yeah," Felix agreed. "Come on. Let's catch up to the others."

"Do you think it's true?" Dee asked, as they walked away from the shipyard.

"Of course it's true," Felix said. "We all heard that's what Cain did, and Hoshi was in the CIC when it happened." He shrugged. "Not an easy burden to live with."

Dee thought about what she would have done if Admiral Adama had made the same orders, and sighed. "Yeah. But then, I don't think there's a person left in the Fleet with completely clean hands."

Felix shrugged, but his silence was deliberate, and Dee inwardly cringed. She'd never told him that she'd helped rig the election, and he'd never told her that he was the one to report it, but they both knew it. Their silence was awkward as they caught up to Hoshi and Narcho.

"I don't know about you guys," Narcho said, looking from them to Hoshi, "but I think I've had about all the excitement I can handle for today."

Hoshi's face was stark white, and he simply nodded. Felix sighed and glanced at his watch. "I need to get back to work anyway," he said. "I'll have to report to Gai- the President about this." He looked at Dee. "At least you got your tylium."

"Right," Dee said, reminding herself it was a triumph, even if it now seemed hollow. "Thanks, Felix. I'll see you the next time I make it down to the surface."

"You're welcome." He looked at Narcho and Hoshi. "Good to see you both again. Take care."

"Come on," Narcho said as Felix left the landing ground. "Let's get going."

They all climbed into the Raptor. Hoshi still looked upset, and for a moment, Dee felt sympathy. But that dissipated the moment Narcho got the Raptor in the air.

"Should have known you'd get the tylium off him," Hoshi said crossly to Dee.

"Somehow, I suspect this is not going to be a compliment," Dee said, narrowing her eyes. "I'm sympathetic enough to what just happened to remind you that brig time and extra shifts will be finding their way to you if you continue on with whatever you're going to say."

"You'd better find another eighth for that pyramid game," Hoshi told Narcho, "because I'm curious. What sort of sexual favors did you have to give him to get the tylium, huh?"

"Sexual favors?" Dee demanded, unsure of whether or not to be outraged or to laugh.

"Sure. You went off into that ship alone with Fenner. When you went in, there was no way in hell he was giving us the tylium. When you came out-"

"Hoshi," Narcho said, warningly.

"When you came out, he was more than willing. What did you do, huh? Blow him? Frak him? You must be pretty good at both, given how you got your promotion lying on your back. We all-"

"LOUIS!" Narcho snapped. "Give it the frak up already!"

"Look," Dee said through gritted teeth, because Hoshi was so transparent right now it was laughable, "I know what happened back there bothered you, especially since they're your people. I get it, okay? When I lived on-"

Hoshi snorted. "You think because we're both Sagittarons that you have the first frakking clue about me?"

"I didn't say-"

"Well, let me tell you something, Lieutenant. I left Sagittaron when I was seventeen. I went back _once_, and it the only reason it wasn't the biggest mistake of my life is because I knew exactly what I was doing. Let's get something straight. I don't miss Sagittaron. I don't regret leaving Sagittaron. And I sure as hell am not sitting here feeling sorry for myself because some Sagittarons don't like the fact I serve in the military. The military did more for me than any Sagittaron ever did. So go back to playing at being XO and prancing around the CIC cockteasing your daddy's boy, and leave me the frak alone!"

Silence filled the Raptor. Dee had to swallow several times before she could trust her voice.

"Lieutenant Allison," she said slowly. "Contact the LSO and tell him to have Marines meet us to escort Lieutenant Hoshi to the brig."

"Yes, sir," Narcho said quietly.

Dee turned to face Hoshi. "I will be taking this up with the Admiral. If I were you, Mr. Hoshi, I'd start packing."

Hoshi paled, but just crossed his arms over his chest and turned away. Dee sat in the back of the Raptor, alarmingly calm.

***

Lee was waiting for them when they docked, along with the Marines. "What happened?" Lee asked, watching as the Marines led Hoshi away.

"I'll give you a full report on that part of it later," Dee said, wondering even as she spoke why she didn't just call the bastard out right there.

Lee nodded. "What about the tylium?" he asked.

Dee smiled. "We got it," she said.

Lee's eyebrows rose. "You're kidding," he said. "You got it?"

"We got it. We talked some sense into Fenner, and Gaeta worked out the logistics. We're getting the extra tylium."

Lee smiled and put an arm around her waist. "Well, I guess you get to be the one to say _I told you so_ tonight," he said. "We should be able to keep those ECM generators you're so worried about online." He rubbed his chin. "I've been thinking about it, and you're right, you know. Thanks for forcing the issue."

Dee glanced at the retreating Marines, watching as they moved towards the brig. "You're welcome."

***

"Hand me the ratchet wrench, will you?" Narcho said.

Dee slid it along the floor and then picked soldering iron back up. She concentrated on the delicate task, sitting on the floor, hunched over the work. She heard Narcho swearing softly as he tightened whatever it was he was tightening.

"Are you really going to discharge Hoshi?" he asked finally.

Dee sighed and put down the iron, stretching to relieve the tension in her shoulders. "I'm impressed," she said, glancing at her watch. "You made it a whole hour without discussing it."

"Yeah, well, it took some effort. And you didn't answer my question."

Dee rubbed her forehead. "I don't know," she said truthfully. "What he said today was the latest in a series of stunts that were over the line."

Narcho nodded. "I know he- frak!" the wrench slipped, and he readjusted. "I know he was way out of line," he agreed, eyes fastened on his work. "And I'm not defending what he said."

"No?"

"No. Look, you did really well there, getting Fenner to agree to giving us the tylium. And I'll tell you, I don't think Tigh or Shaw could have pulled it off. And I sure as hell don't think Hoshi could have pulled it off. That took real diplomacy. I don't know what you said to him-"

"It wasn't anything sexual," Dee inserted dryly.

Narcho looked at her, surprised. "I know that. Frak, _Hoshi_ knows that."

"Yeah." Dee sighed. "That's what I don't get. We all knew he was saying it just to upset me. It's like he wants a discharge."

"More like he couldn't really stop himself. Haven't you ever done that, when you _know_ you shouldn't say something, but you go ahead and say it anyway?"

"More than once," Dee admitted.

"Yeah." Narcho grinned. "I'm pretty good at it myself. But I'm sure I don't have to tell you that whole Sagittaron thing upset him pretty badly."

"I gathered that."

"Why _did_ you pull him along?"

"I didn't. The Commander ordered it. He thought since it was Hoshi who brought up the ECM generators in the first place, he'd be the best one to argue it."

"If they weren't Sagittaron, yeah."

Dee picked up the circuit board she'd been working on and turned it over in her hand. "He said he left home at seventeen," she said. "I know Sagittarons can be pretty judgmental about homosexuality, but-"

"Huh?" Narcho asked.

"Homosexuality. He said something the other day, and I just assumed…" Dee backpedaled a bit. "I mean, he said… "

Narcho laughed. "Oh, Hoshi's queer, all right," he agreed. "It's just that that's got nothing to do with why he left home."

"Really?" That piqued Dee's interest. "Then why did he?"

Narcho shook his head. "Nice try, but I'm not telling. It took a long time for him to even tell _me_, and he made me swear I wouldn't ever tell anyone. It doesn't matter anyway. If you ever need to know the answer, you'll know it."

"That's one of the more cryptic statements I've ever heard."

"Well, here's to hoping it never makes complete sense. But back to the original subject. Are you really going to discharge him?"

"I don't know," Dee said. "The thing is, the whole bit about the ECM generators… that was him. He's the one who spotted it, he's the one who realized the risk, and even though I don't like how he did it, he's the one who spoke up. And he's _right._ I hope he never has a chance to prove it, but he is right. And that's what I can't get out of my mind. That if he hadn't said anything, we'd be turning off those generators right now." Dee pushed a few stray strands of hair out of her face. "It makes me wonder… why _didn't_ Adama give him the XO position?"

Narcho rubbed the back of his neck. "Everyone always underestimates Hoshi," he said ruefully. "He's got this way of making you believe he's this nice, soft teddy bear type, sort of meek and gentle. And he is… until you push him up against a wall. And then it's usually too late. Only person I know that never underestimated him was Colonel Belzen."

"And you?" Dee asked.

Narcho laughed. "Are you kidding? I sure as hell made that mistake, and that's why I lost him." He laughed again at Dee's surprise. "Come on. Don't tell me you hadn't figured that part of it out."

"How long ago?"

"Oh, Gods, it's been a few years. But we were together for over two years, and I can tell you, Dee… don't discharge him. Please." Narcho leaned in, suddenly all earnest. "He didn't muster out for a reason, and when you get right down to it, he's as loyal as you're ever going to get to this ship. I'm not saying don't punish him, because he sure as hell deserves it, but don't discharge him."

Dee nodded stiffly. "All right," she said, because it was Narcho that was asking and he was the only one on this ship that had two words to say to her. "But when he gets out of the brig, get him to cool it a little, all right? If he keeps this up, I'm not going to have a choice."

"All right." Narcho extended his hand. "Thanks, Dee."

"You're welcome, Noel." She shook on it, then resumed her soldering. "Do you still love him?"

"Not like that, no. It's been a while, and I've gotten over it." Narcho tightened the last hex screw and sat back to examine his work. "But yeah, he's still one of my best friends. When the whole world is gone, you cling to anything you've got left."

Dee thought of the _Galactica_ and Helo and Felix and Lee. "Yeah," she said with a sigh. "I guess you do."

***

Adama looked over the file and sighed. "I don't want to make this decision."

Dee watched him levelly. "I know what the numbers say, sir. He's earned a dishonorable discharge."

"Numbers don't lie," Adama said neutrally. He looked at her shrewdly. "But that's not what you're going to do, is it?"

"Lieutenant Allison said something to me last night, and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. He said 'When the whole world is gone, you cling to anything you've got left.'"

Adama grunted. "That's a pretty astute statement." He flipped back a page. "But I'm guessing you're not thinking of keeping Lieutenant Hoshi on because you're clinging to him."

"Hardly. But if you look at his file, there's nothing there until Commander Garner. No instances of insubordination, no brig time, not even so much as a reprimand."

"This file's been tampered with."

"What?" Dee leaned forward, and Adama turned the file on his desk so she could see it. There were large blocks of text blacked out, with the initials HC next to them and a date that read shortly after the attacks. "Oh, that," Dee said. "We've found that in almost all of the files on the _Pegasus_. Cain blacked out almost any information she felt would be irrelevant. It's all background information, former commendations… anything that can't really be used. But disciplinary action wasn't touched. Lee thinks that Cain did it as part of dissociating from her crew, so she could make," Dee felt carefully for the word, "sacrifices," she finally said.

"She was determined to survive," Adama said. His face was steely. "It makes a certain amount of sense."

"But it's not the only way to command," Dee said, looking him squarely in the eye. "I don't want to be like Cain." The words _I'd rather be like you_ hung in the air between them.

Adama acknowledged the unspoken sentiment with a nod. "What is your gut telling you?"

"He said the _Pegasus_ is the only home he's really had his whole adult life. I can't say I don't understand the feeling. I don't know if he deserves it or not, but I almost want to give him one more chance."

Adama smiled. "That's what I'd do."

"Is it, sir?" Adama nodded, and Dee took a deep breath. "Permission to speak freely?"

He considered her for a long moment and then nodded. "Granted."

"Talk to Sharon," she said. His face went stony, and she hurried to finish her thought before he could cut her off, or she could change her mind. "I'm not asking you to forgive her or let her out of the brig, that would be going too far. But maybe she deserves a second chance, too."

"Helo put you up to this."

"Yes," Dee admitted. "But I thought about it, and although I don't really like it, he's got a point."

"She had her second chance," Adama said.

"Sir," Dee said, leaning forward, "Narcho was right. We have to cling to what we can right now. You're willing to overlook what Hoshi did, because the good he's done outweighs the bad. It's what we have to do when there are so few of us left. Please, for Helo's sake, just _talk_ to her. At least once."

Adama looked down at the file on his desk again. "I talk to her, Hoshi walks free, with nothing of this on his record," he agreed. Dee lifted her eyebrows in surprise, and Adama smiled ruefully. "I've only got so many officers left. I'd like to keep them."

"All right," Dee said. "You talk to Sharon and Hoshi stays."

Adama chuckled and extended his hand. "You've got yourself a deal, Lieutenant."

***

When Dee walked into the brig, Hoshi was curled up on the cot. She wasn't sure if he was asleep or not, even when she let herself into the cell and walked around to see his face. He was asleep, and he came awake slowly, rubbing at his eyes. She stood over the cot, arms crossed, watching him with a neutral expression on her face.

"So when do I leave?" he asked, sitting up.

"You don't."

"I don't?" He stared at her, shocked. "You're joking."

"No, I'm not joking." Dee looked down at him. "You have one more chance."

Hoshi rubbed his face, and then looked up at her with naked confusion. "_Why?_" he asked. "Why are you giving me a second chance?" He darkened to suspicion. "Or is the Admiral?"

"It was my decision," Dee said. "You spoke up about the generators. You had every reason to believe I wouldn't listen, and you spoke up about it regardless. If it had been the _Galactica_, I would have done the same thing." She fixed him with a glare. "But this is your last chance. I'm not taking any more of your shit."

He stared at her for a long time, and then saluted.

"Aye, sir."

"Now get back to work."

He stood up. "Aye, sir." He looked at her curiously. "Sir, if I can ask… why _did_ you listen to me?"

"Because you were right," Dee said simply. "Being a complete jackass doesn't change that fact. And I don't want this ship to be unprepared, either."

Hoshi nodded, saluted one more time, and headed back to the bridge. Dee closed the cell, and then headed back to her own quarters. By her count, she'd earned a night off.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoshi's not the only one who makes life challenging for Dee on the _Pegasus_. Unfortunately, this challenge is not as straightforward to deal with.

  
"Viper six two three, _Pegasus_. Approach port landing bay, hands-on, speed one zero five, checkers red." Stinger's voice was muffled and broken over the comm unit.

"Copy that, Viper six two three. Skids down, mag-lock secure." Hoshi's fingers flew over his keyboard, and across the CIC Martins gave him a thumbs up. Dee watched them with a sense of satisfaction.

"How many more birds do we have to land?" she asked.

"Three, sir. Thumper, Hiccup, and Narcho," Hoshi said.

"Well, get them in here."

"Aye, sir. Viper four seven nine two, what's your status?"

"I'm coming in. Approaching starboard landing bay, speed one six two, checkers red."

"Viper-" Hoshi began, but Lieutenant Thorton cut him off.

"Sir," he shouted to Dee, "Viper eight five nine is coming in from the opposite trajectory." He grabbed his headset. "Viper eight five nine, pull out and circle back around!"

"What?" Thumper's deep voice was shaken. "What the- frak!"

"Thumper! Pull out!" Narcho was shouting. "Get out of here! What the-"

Hoshi tapped in a code and gripped his headpiece. "All hands clear the starboard deck. Incoming entanglement, all hands clear the starboard landing bay NOW!" He flipped the speakers on so they could all hear the situation.

"We're landing," Narcho's voice filled the CIC. "Pull up on your throttle, Thumper. Pull up, damn it! We're coming in, so hang on tight."

The sound of screeching metal filled Dee's ears, like fingernails up a chalkboard. She wanted to cringe, but the thought of what could be happening right now kept her almost paralyzed. The entire CIC was still until the comm unit went silent.

Hoshi was the first to speak. "Narcho. Narcho, report in _now._ Noel!"

"What the frak, Thumper?" they heard Narcho shouting, and Dee exhaled a sigh of relief. "That's a frakking nugget mistake and you should have your godsdamned wings taken off and tossed down the shitter, do you hear me!"

Dee nodded, and Hoshi flipped the speaker off. "I'd better get down there. Mr. Hoshi, you have the deck."

"Should I call the Commander in here, sir?" Hoshi asked.

"Have him meet me down on the landing bay."

"Aye, sir."

Dee walked out of the CIC, but as soon as she was clear of the glass doors she began to run. She knew it wasn't professional, but at the same time, she was furious.

So was Narcho. She could hear him still shouting as soon as she entered the starboard landing bay. "You frakking piece of shit! I swear to the Gods you have all the brains of a bag of hammers. Yeah, that's right, a frakking bag of hammers! You're so frakking dumb, you sit on the frakking television and watch the couch! You son of a BITCH!"

Lee came up beside Dee. "What happened?" he asked irritably.

"Near collision, locked wings."

Lee sighed heavily. "Everyone all right?"

"It sounds that way, but we've got damage to two birds."

"Well," Lee said, trying to look stern but betraying his true feelings with a half-shrug, "it's not like we don't have time to fix them."

"That's not the point," Dee began, but Lee was already starting down the stairs to the landing bay, where Narcho was still shouting up a storm. She sighed in irritation and followed him down.

Lee snapped into command mode as he strode across the deck. She could see the change come over him- his shoulders straightened, his face hardened, and his stride became more purposeful. It made her smile, despite the seriousness of the situation.

"What the hell is going on here?" Lee demanded. Both pilots snapped to attention. Lee turned to Thumper, who was looking a lot more nervous than Narcho. "What happened?" Lee repeated.

Thumper swallowed hard. "I thought… I mean… I looked and I thought I heard…" he glanced over at Dee. "Lieutenant Hoshi cleared me."

"Hey, wait a minute!" Narcho protested.

Lee turned around to confirm with Dee. "Is that true?"

"No," Dee said definitively. Her eyes narrowed as she studied the pilot. "And may I remind you that misrepresenting another officer is a pretty serious offense."

Thumper swallowed again, and Lee sighed. "You thought you could take shortcuts, didn't you?" he said. "You thought that since this was just a drill, it didn't matter if you followed all the proper protocol, because it wasn't that serious a situation. Well let me tell you something, Lieutenant," he said, getting right up into Thumper's face, "any time you get into that cockpit, it's serious. I don't care if it's a Cylon attack, a drill, or just a spin around the Fleet for shits and giggles. You frak around like this, you try to take shortcuts, and you endanger your crewmates. And you even _try_ to blame another officer for your mistake again, you end up with brig time, got it?"

"Yes, sir."

Dee waited for him to mete out some sort of punishment, Lee just said, "Dismissed." He turned to Narcho. "You okay?"

"Fine, sir."

"All right. I need to talk to Laird." He glanced at Dee, and Dee fell into step beside him.

"I assume you're going to check the communications logs," he said quietly.

"Of course," Dee reassured him. "But I was listening, and I didn't hear Hoshi clear him." She barely refrained from chewing her lip. "The crew shouldn't be doing things like this. Don't you think-"

"It's normal," Lee said, but they were up to Laird before Dee had a chance to argue. "What's the damage?" he asked Laird.

"Well, it's a little hard to tell just on fist sight," Laird said calmly. "I'll need some time to go over it."

"I know that. Scratches, needs work, or totaled?" Lee clarified.

"Probably needs work. I'll see what I can do." Laird tapped a wrench against his hand, staring at the pile of wreckage. "How fast are you going to need them back up?"

"Immediately," Dee said, as Lee was saying, "How long do you think it will take?"

"Dunno," Laird said, ignoring Dee and looking at the wreckage again. "I can let you know by the end of the day though."

"Thank you, Chief." Lee was already looking satisfied. Dee looked up at him incredulously, but didn't say a word until they were alone in the corridors.

"'How long do you think it will take?'" she repeated. "Are you serious?"

"Sure. It's not like we need them in the air right this second, Dee," Lee said with a sigh, running a hand through his hair. It was starting to get a little shaggy, she noticed. "I mean, we don't even have enough pilots to fly the ones we've got."

Dee bit her tongue so she didn't say _That isn't my point._ Lee knew it wasn't her point, and in the end, he'd only see the practical aspect of the situation. So she changed the subject. "We're still going over to the _Galactica_ for dinner tonight?"

"Hmm? Oh, yes. My father said that Tigh is joining us as well."

Dee glanced back over her shoulder at the interlocked Vipers, and wondered exactly what the Admiral and the Colonel were going to have to say about that.

***

"It shouldn't have happened at all," Tigh growled. "It's a nugget mistake."

"Thumper was stationed to the _Pegasus_ right before the attacks," Lee said with a shrug. "He's not much more than a nugget."

"The attacks were over a year ago," Tigh said. "That's no excuse."

"Not to mention the number of battles any one pilot has been in," Adama added.

Lee shrugged again, and picked up his wine glass. "He tried to blame Lieutenant Hoshi."

Adama's face darkened. "Did Hoshi have anything to do with it?"

"Not as far as I can tell," Lee said carelessly.

Adama looked at Dee, and Dee shook her head. "No, he didn't. I'm positive on this one, sir. I was in the CIC when it happened and never heard Thumper clear his landing, I checked the communications logs, and the other pilot involved was Lieutenant Allison, and he and Lieutenant Hoshi are very close. Hoshi wouldn't have risked Narcho."

"Yeah, and if _Dee_ agrees that it's not Hoshi…" Lee said with a laugh. "It's not. She'd pin it on him in a second if she could."

Dee kicked him under the table. Tigh looked at her, concerned. "I thought Hoshi had settled down since that stunt on the surface last month."

"He has," Dee said through gritted teeth. "He's still not happy and makes that clear, but he does his job and keeps his mouth shut around me. The CIC is running _fine_, sir."

Tigh nodded, and Adama looked at Lee. "Sounds like your air group is starting to get sloppy."

"They're not," Lee insisted. "We're running drills."

"How many a day?" Adama pressed.

"Well, it depends," Lee temporized. "It depends on what the pilots need, how much tylium each drill consumes, what the shuttle schedule looks like for the day, what the-"

"We're running two drills every other day, one on the days in between," Dree said factually.

"The pilots are getting in additional stimulator time," Lee said through gritted teeth.

"Scheduled?" Tigh asked.

"Sure," Lee said, as if it mattered.

Adama glanced significantly at Dee. "They could be doing more," she admitted. "Although we've had some issues with conflicts with the _Galactica_ pilots needing time."

"Wouldn't want to step on _Galactica_'s toes," Lee added. His tone was light, but Dee suspected the words were meant to have venom. "Besides," he continued, picking up a roll and tearing it in half, "it's been a month since the official groundbreaking, and there's still nothing. No Cylons."

"They don't creep up over time," Adama said sourly. His glare was dark, and Dee shivered, grateful that she agreed with him. "We'll discuss this in more detail after dinner." Adama picked up his fork. "What else?"

"I've got a few more requests for people to muster out," Lee said. "I'm not sure how many more we can let go, but at the same time…"

"Who's asking?"

"Thorton from the CIC, Porkins and Febernar from the deck gang, and Stinger and Easy from the pilots." Lee smirked. "Stinger and Easy are looking to get married."

"More pilots," Tigh said disapprovingly.

"Pilots want to have lives, too," Lee pointed out.

"They can wait until we decommission the ships. We all have to make sacrifices."

"That's a good five years from now, and people are ready to start new lives. I mean, look at it. All but the two thousand people serving in Fleet skeleton crews are on the ground. Half the people from the _Pegasus_ and the _Galactica_ have mustered out. They're getting schools going, they're getting a hospital together… all the doctors are down there, for crying out loud. All we've got up here are a few medics. And what are people up here going to do for daycare? It's not like we've got any sort of system set up-"

"Is Easy pregnant?" Adama asked sharply.

"Not to my knowledge."

"Then we don't have to worry about it yet."

"Still, sir," Lee said, "I need your approval to turn down the request, if that's what you want me to do."

"If the Cylons attack-" Tigh began.

"The Cylons aren't going to attack!" Lee snapped with impatience. "That's what you keep telling everyone! And honestly? I don't see how they could find us. Even if they knew where New Caprica was, why would they ever think anyone would settle on that frozen mudball?"

Silence settled awkwardly over the table. Dee and Tigh exchanged glances, and Tigh cleared his throat. "Lieutenant," he said, setting aside his plate, "you mentioned some scheduling conflicts with the flight simulator onboard the _Pegasus_. Why don't you and I resolve that right now?"

"I don't think I could eat another bite until that's sorted, sir," Dee agreed. Adama looked thunderous, and Lee was glaring at him like a sulky teenager. Dee stood up as gracefully as possible and followed Tigh out of the Admiral's quarters and down the hall.

"So," Tigh drawled as he opened the hatch to his quarters, "are you in agreement with your husband that the drills are sufficient?"

"I understand his concern about the tylium supply," Dee said carefully. "But we aren't _that_ tightly rationed. And if the accident today showed anything, it's that we're letting our guard down too far." She bit her lip. "The crew is becoming too lax."

"Good girl." Tigh was sorting through a stack of papers on his desk, but he looked up at her with clear approval. "I assume you're working on convincing Lee."

"Yes, sir," Dee said with the uncomfortable feeling that occasionally mentioning it wasn't exactly what Tigh had in mind.

"Well, I trust you can handle him. The Old Man does, too," Tigh said. "That's why he approved you as XO," he said. "Keep his son in line so he doesn't have to look like he's doing it."

"I didn't know that," Dee said cautiously.

"Yeah, well. You know perfectly well the Admiral would have preferred someone more experienced commanding the _Pegasus._ Problem is, we don't have anybody that fits the bill. Lee's the best we've got, but he's still not what we need. The Admiral thinks you'll balance him out, keep him on his toes." Tigh's expression turned from approval to beady-eyed expectation. "I don't expect that he's wrong."

"No, sir, he's not," Dee said calmly, although she couldn't deny that she felt odd about it.

"Didn't think so," Tigh grunted. He began spreading out the papers. "I take it you got your problem with Hoshi sorted out?"

"As sorted as it's going to be," Dee answered.

"He's a good officer, would hate to lose him. But it's not good if your crew is blaming him for their mistakes, thinking you'll believe them."

"I'm planning on having words with Thumper myself, sir," Dee assured him. She was still furious that Lee had let that slide.

"Good. Now let's sort this out."

They worked on the schedules for a half hour, taking their time. There was something oddly comforting in standing next to Tigh. Dee could smell the lingering scent of whiskey that always seemed to cling to him, but also soap and grease and a scent that reminded her just a little of her father. Which was odd, because Dee had never, ever thought of Tigh as a father figure before. More like the crazy uncle that everyone invited to family reunions because they had to, and usually regretted it. But Tigh smelled like _Galactica_, she realized, and even though she'd been on the _Pegasus_ for a few months, _Galactica_ was still home.

***

"Can you believe it?" Lee demanded later, when they were safe in their quarters.

"Believe what?" Dee asked, unbuttoning her uniform jacket.

"My father," Lee said. "Saying that we're too soft. That we're slipping."

"That accident today never should have happened."

"No, but that's Thumper's fault, not mine."

Dee slipped off her uniform pants and pulled on a pair of sweats. Admiral Cain had had a treadmill put into her quarters- at least, it was new enough that Dee assumed it was Cain. She'd taken to using it, not only because of the privacy compared to the gym, but because she hoped that Lee would start thinking it looked like a good idea. She stepped on the treadmill and pressed the buttons, whirring it into action.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" Lee asked as he sat down on the bed.

"Colonel Tigh and I went over the simulator schedules," Dee said, starting to run. "It should be pretty easy to give both crews some practice time. And it will sharpen their reflexes without draining the tylium supply."

"Good."

"We should be doing more, though. We need to revamp the drill schedule. We're constantly rerunning the same drills, and-"

"I'll deal with it," Lee said, and although she was sure he meant to sound reassuring, he sounded more dismissive to her ears. Dee wondered which one was real. "You handle the CIC, I'll take care of the pilots, all right? That's what we're both good at."

"Fine."

"Fine." Lee sat back on his hands, watching her run. "Soft," he finally said. "My father's calling _me_ soft. Do you know what he's doing?"

"What?"

"He's approving Stinger and Easy mustering out. They're both good pilots- hell, Stinger's CAG- but he's letting them go down to New Caprica." Lee's voice was dripping with disdain. "He yells at me that we can't consider ourselves safe, that we can't believe that the Cylons have really left us alone, and then he goes and allows our best pilot to leave the service. It doesn't make any sense."

"It doesn't," Dee agreed. She felt like elaborating, but her breath was starting to come hard now. Besides, Lee was impossible on the subject of his father these days.

"You know who he wanted to promote to _Pegasus_ CAG?" Lee demanded. "Hot Dog."

Dee almost stopped at that one. "Hot Dog?" she said. "You're kidding."

"Not in the least."

"Well?"

"Well, what? I told him that that's not on. I'm promoting Captain Case."

"Showboat's a good choice," Dee agreed with that wholeheartedly. "A little more conservative than Stinger, but she's solid."

"She's more than solid," Lee said. "Plus, she's a _Pegasus_ pilot." He didn't look at Dee as he said that, but Dee didn't blame him for thinking it. Bringing in another _Galactica_ transplant for a ranking position _would_ be bad for morale.

He continued to talk as Dee continued her workout. She listened with half her mind, the other half planning meetings already with Showboat and starting to work around the lack of two more pilots. And Laird had given her a report on the supplies that they had left, and she needed to meet with the galley staff to discuss the ration situation….

"You know what else he was bugging me about?" Lee asked, startling Dee back to the room.

"What?"

"Kids."

Dee laughed. "You're joking," she panted. "Not that I don't believe it, but given that you were just arguing over Stinger and Easy-"

"He did have reservations," Lee said, "but he let them go. He's such a pushover when it comes to other peoples' kids."

Dee smirked. "So he wants us to have a baby?" she asked.

"He's definitely interested in the idea, let's just say that."

"Gods, I hope he wouldn't want to be present for the birth," Dee managed, having the most unpleasant image of herself splayed out on an infirmary bed and Adama watching as she pushed another life out. She shuddered, and then suddenly realized this was something she and Lee had never talked about. "Do you even want kids?" she asked.

Lee shrugged. "Of course," he said, not quite looking at her. "Some day." He shrugged it off, sighed and stood up. "You going to be much longer?"

"Another fifteen minutes. Do you want it after I'm done?" Dee asked hopefully.

"No, I was just going to head down to the ready room. I want to meet with Showboat and discuss how we're changing the drills."

"By all means," Dee said, waving her hand, "go on."

Lee gave her a smile and then headed out the door, and Dee turned her attention back to the treadmill.

***

"So how are things working out under Showboat?" Dee asked Narcho a week after Stinger and Easy had mustered out. "You been okay?"

"Fine. Why?" Narcho grunted as he chipped away the black coke on the piston.

"You've been stomping around and snapping at everyone and generally unpleasant since they left."

"Yeah, well, I've got a lot on my mind," Narcho said. He scowled at the piston. "Piece of shit I've got here. I'm not sure if I can get it clean enough. Besides," he said after a long pause, "I'm not exactly thrilled Cole's deserted."

Dee nodded understanding. "How about the drills?"

Narcho sighed frustration. "You know we've been cutting back on them, right?"

"No…" Dee said, drawing out the syllable. "Lee told me that he's been restructuring them, and I thought-"

"Nope. He's cutting back. In interest of preserving equipment and resources." Narcho made a face. "I mean, the Commander's got a point, and believe me, I'm grateful for a lot of what he's done here. It's just…" Narcho shook his head.

"It's just what?" Dee asked.

Narcho tossed the piston to the ground. "Piece of shit," he said again. "It's just that I can't shake the feeling those frakking bastards are coming for us. Why are we believing that they aren't? Because one of them said so?" He snorted. "Sorry, but after they blew up twenty billion people, I can't believe too strongly in a change of conscience. The Commander is a lot more trusting than I am."

"He's caught between a rock and a hard place," Dee said.

"Yeah, well, he'd better pick one and throw himself against it," Narcho said darkly. He picked the piston up again. "I've got to get some solvent for this. Frakking piece of shit."

Dee was inclined to agree.

***

"Lee!"

Lee looked up from the bowl of noodles he was concentrating on when Dee slammed the door open. "What?" he asked.

"Are you cutting back on drills?"

"I told you, Dee, I've got the pilots covered."

"Lee, we've talked about this. We agreed it's not a good idea. I know you-"

"Don't even say it, Dee," he warned.

"Your father-"

"Frak what my father thinks, all right? This is my ship, not his, and I'll run it the way I see fit!"

"But he's your commanding officer! And-"

"Enough! Let's not go through this again!" Lee shouted. "Just… just stick to the CIC, okay Dee? Leave the pilots the frak alone. I've got it covered!"

There was no moving him. Dee could see it in his face and in the set of his jaw. It didn't make him look at all attractive, she realized. More like a sulky child. She realized that was a phrase that was occurring to her more and more these days.

"Fine," she said. She grabbed her workout bag. "I'm going down to the gym."

"Fine," Lee said, sitting back down to his dinner and his reports. "I'll see you later."

"Fine." Dee wished that it was possible to slam the hatch behind her. She slung her bag over her shoulder and walked down to the gym.

The gym was empty when she let herself in. Not surprising, as most people were eating right about now. She wrapped her hands, and started punching the heavy bag. She wasn't normally a boxer, but she damn well had to hit _something._

"If I blow on it, maybe you can get it to move."

Dee sighed. "I'm not in the mood for your shit, Hoshi."

"Too bad." She noticed he had his own wraps on. "I'm taking the other side."

"Daring," she said, still punching the bag. "What if I 'accidentally' miss?"

"Oooh, you might graze one of my whiskers. Good thing I remembered to shave today."

"You're actually capable of growing facial hair?" Dee asked.

He started to throw a few warm up punches. "I've got nothing on you, I'll admit."

"You're _so_ funny," Dee said dryly. "Don't know why we have such dull days in the CIC when we've got a comic genius like you around."

"Wouldn't have so many dull days if your husband would get off his fat ass and run air drills." Dee pounded harder, her eyes fixed on the bag. Hoshi stopped for a moment and studied her. "So, you agree with me," he said, chuckling.

"Not saying I do," Dee said. She stopped for a moment, wiping her brow on her arm. "But if I did, there's only so much I can do. I'm not the Commander."

"No, you're the Commander's wife." Hoshi started punching. "And that gives you some measure of power."

"Not really. No more than any other XO."

Hoshi made a rude snorting noise. "I'll bet you could get Commander Adama to do things that Colonel Tigh could never get Admiral Adama to do."

Dee eyed him suspiciously. "This isn't one of those 'you slept your way to the top' things again, is it?"

Hoshi stopped punching and shrugged. "Why not? In for a carrot, in for the stew, my mother always said."

"Wow. That's-"

"Shut up."

It took Dee a few minutes to process that one. Then she shook her head. "So what are you getting at?"

"You've got a hold over the Commander that no one else has, whether you admit it or not. Use it."

"What? 'Make the pilots run drills or no sex for you?'" Dee asked incredulously.

Hoshi grinned wickedly. "Now you're catching on."

"Oh my Gods. You're joking."

"No. I'm not." And he really didn't look it- the expression on his face was dead serious.

Dee shook her head again and started pounding away again. "I don't believe you. I really don't believe you. That's really mature, Hoshi. Exactly the kind of trust and respect I want in my marriage."

"Why not? It's not like you've got much else."

Dee grabbed the bag, holding it still. "What the frak do you mean by that?" she demanded.

Hoshi leaned against the wall. There was something in his eyes she hadn't seen since he'd gotten out of the brig the last time; a true bitterness that made him look hard and reckless. "You've seen him," he said. "The way he's let himself go. Normally I'd find it incredibly bad manners to comment on someone's weight gain, but with Adama? It's about as obvious a sign that he doesn't give a frak about anything- including you- as you can get. He's letting himself go, he's letting the _Pegasus_ go… he's letting everything go. He's been like this since about the time of the Founder's Day ceremony. And you're just letting him do it."

Dee stood still, her entire body frozen, blood roaring in her ears. There must have been something in her face, because Hoshi took a step backwards.

"Get. Out," she said slowly.

There was no violence she could have visited on him; he was taller, heavier and stronger. But he backed away, picked up his bag, and left the room. Dee waited until she heard the door clang shut and then sat down, wiping at her face. She stayed there for a long time, and then eventually stood and gathered her own things together.

The _Pegasus_ looked strange to her when she walked through it. It was like the life was gone, and when she looked at the faces of the crew, she wondered if everyone was just going through the motions.

The feeling would pass, Dee knew that. It would pass just as soon as she saw Lee again, and they put everything right between them. She'd see him, he'd smile, and they'd kiss and make up and everything would go back to normal.

Except that she'd always known she wasn't his first choice, and she couldn't help but wonder if that was part of what was slowly killing him inside.

***

"Commander," Gage said, "there's a call coming in from _Colonial One._ It's the President." A definite snicker ran through the CIC, and Dee and Lee rolled their eyes at each other. Lee picked up his headset, and Dee turned away to consult her notes.

"What did Baltar want?" she asked when Lee finally came over to her side.

"To remind me he's President and doesn't want to take any of our crap," Lee said rolling his eyes. "Specifically, it was something about medical supplies. I sent a shipment down earlier today."

"Oh." Dee was studying her roster. She looked over at Gage, and then looked back at her roster again. "Where's Hoshi?" she asked. "Roster says he's working today."

"Shore leave," Lee answered. "Admiral approved it. Worked out well enough- I sent the supplies down with him."

Dee shook her head at that bit of thoroughness on Hoshi's part. "Do you have an inventory of the medical supplies you sent down?" she asked.

"Yeah, it's right here," Lee handed her the paper.

"We're not sending down very much," Dee said dubiously.

"Well, there's not much to be had. And I suppose, since you're so adamant about keeping our birds in the air, that we'd better make sure our pilots don't get sick. Or any of the rest of the crew."

Dee stared at him incredulously. "Thank you," she said, a little stiffly. "You won't regret it."

"I hope I do," Lee said, arching his eyebrows.

Dee smiled.

***

"Dee," Lee said. "It's taken him two days, but Baltar is finally coming up here to whine about me not releasing more meds. We need to meet with him."

Dee groaned. "Great," she said, rubbing her neck. She put aside her reports and stood up from her desk. "When's the shuttle due?"

"In about fifteen minutes. I suppose," Lee said, heaving a sigh, "since it's the President of the Colonies, ee should greet him in person." He sounded less than enthused.

"I suppose. Let's go."

They walked companionably down to the hangar deck, Lee idly relating some of the gossip he'd heard from _Galactica._ When they arrived, Dee spotted Narcho, sitting on a box and holding a wrench loosely between his hands.

"Hey Narcho," Dee said as they approached. "What are you doing?"

Narcho shrugged. "Just waiting for the shuttle," he said.

"Looking for an autograph from President Baltar?" Dee joked.

Narcho snorted. "Funny." They heard the hangar open, and Narcho jumped up and walked in with them.

The Raptor docked, and Narcho started forward as soon as the door opened. It made sense when Hoshi stepped out. He misjudged the step, his leg twisting under him. Narcho darted forward and caught him, helping him move away from the Raptor.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," Hoshi said, nodding. "It was nothing."

Narcho's face lit up, and he hugged him tight. "A little over enthusiastic for a missed step," Dee muttered to Lee, who barely smiled, and then groaned as Tom Zarek climbed out of the Raptor. Dee echoed the sentiment as Felix followed, and then finally, Baltar.

"Great," Lee whispered. "He brought the guys who are actually competent." But his eyes lit up, and if Dee didn't know better, she'd think he was glad this wasn't going to be so easy. Lee straightened up to attention. "President Baltar," he said loudly. "Welcome to the _Pegasus._"

"Thank you." Baltar seemed sharper than Dee remembered, shaved, pulled together, and actually looking like the scientist who had done so much work back on the Colonies. It contrasted sharply with the last time she'd seen him on New Caprica, when he'd been disheveled and unshaven. She glanced at Felix, wondering how much he'd had to do with this. "But I'm afraid it's not overly good to see you, Commander. We have a bone to pick with you."

"I look forward to it," Lee said, raising his chin.

Felix was watching Lee. His eyes had widened, and for a moment Dee wondered exactly what he saw. Then she realized he hadn't seen Lee since the ground breaking, and the weight gain was sudden to his eyes. He looked shocked and a little disgusted. Dee cringed at that.

"If you'll follow me," Lee said to the three delegates from the ground. Dee glanced back over her shoulder. Narcho and Hoshi were still talking, now about Stinger and Easy. She noticed neither of them sounded overly happy about them being on New Caprica, and sighed. More things to worry about.

"How are you holding up, Dee?" Felix asked her quietly as they walked to the conference room.

"I'm fine," she said lightly. "How about you?" She glanced at Baltar significantly. "Looks like you've prepared well for this meeting."

He sighed. "You know this isn't going to be a fun one, right?"

"I knew it once you and Zarek got off the Raptor."

They exchanged glances, and then Felix moved over to say something to Zarek, and Dee drifted back to Lee's side. "You ready for this?" she asked Lee.

Lee smiled down at her. "You bet," he said, in a voice that sounded like he was ready to take on the world. Dee grinned.

***

"You," Dee said when they were alone later that night, "were fantastic today." She slid her arms around Lee's neck. "As long as I live, I will _never_ forget the look on Baltar's face when he left."

"He wasn't happy, was he?" Lee said smugly. "Neither were Zarek and Gaeta."

Dee sighed. "I know. It's not like they don't have a point. But the crew _has_ to stay healthy. If we start losing them, we're sitting ducks up here."

Lee kissed her. "It's not a good situation for anyone. But let's not think about that right now. I think," he said, and scooped her up, "there are much more interesting things we could be doing with our time right now."

"Is that so?" Dee teased.

"It is. And it's been a while."

"Well, let's remedy that right now," Dee suggested, delighted at the change in him.

Lee was completely agreeable.

***

Dee woke up the next morning singing, her good mood carrying her through her shower and her breakfast. Yesterday proved it- Hoshi was dead wrong when he said Lee was letting everything go. He just needed something to fight, that was all. If she could keep him challenged, then everything would be all right.

She sat down at her desk and consulted her schedule. She had a briefing with Laird, and then she was handling a meeting with Seargent Norris on the status of the _Pegasus_ marines. Followed by a meeting with Nurse Rashid about medical supplies and patient status, and her birth control shot.

And right then, the answer hit her square between the eyes.

_A baby._

A baby was exactly what Lee needed right now. It would be new hope, a new future. And most certainly a challenge. And the Admiral… Dee smiled as she imagined his reaction. She had always assumed children would be involved, and Lee had said he wanted kids, too. Why not now?

With a steady, deliberate hand she drew a line through the reminder for her shot.

***

Noel loaded the shiny, finished motorcycle into the Raptor. Eight months of work, and it was finally ready to go. Dee watched with eager eyes, and then climbed into the front seat.

"It's just… it's almost like a cycle." Dee continued as Noel lifted them off. "Everything's going great, and then he starts getting into this funk where nothing matters. And all he can do is _exist_."

"And eat," Noel said. Dee smacked him on the arm. "Sorry. But doesn't it bother you? He's really packed on the pounds, Dee."

"Thanks for the sensitivity, Noel," Dee said crossly. "It bothers me," she admitted. "But not like you think. It's not so much the weight as it is the attitude that goes with it."

Noel made a face. "The weight would bother me."

"Okay, my husband's fat and you find that unattractive, I get it."

"No, you don't. I mean, if I had a significant other, I wouldn't let that happen to me. It really says a lot about how you think of them. He should be wanting to keep you all hot and bothered, because there are plenty of good looking Viper pilots who would do you in a heartbeat if he turned his back long enough."

"Oh? Like who?" Dee asked skeptically.

"Um, there's… ah… Thumper."

"You said good looking."

"Roundabout?"

"With Emmins."

"All right, all right. So I'm making that part up. But seriously, he's been putting weight on for the past six months. I'm just saying-"

"Look. When you love someone, the appearance isn't the important thing. Yes, I wish Lee would lose the weight. I really do. But I can live with it, as long as he's still Lee."

"Hmm." They broke orbit, and Noel started the landing prep. "And that baby thing?"

"Shove it, Noel. I'm sorry I ever told you."

"Sorry." He landed the Raptor in silence. "Come on," he said, as the exhaust let out its last puff, "I'll make it up to you. You can have the first ride."

"I was getting it anyway," Dee said. But she jumped out of her seat and wait impatiently while Noel unloaded the motorcycle. He looked like a little kid with his first bicycle, at least if the excitement on his face was anything to judge by. He kicked off his flight suit, pulled on an old leather jacket, and put on a pair of sunglasses. One of the lenses was cracked, but it only showed up if the light hit it just right. "Well, babe?" Noel said, extending his hand. "Want a ride?"

"Okay. _That's_ really hot," Dee confessed. She climbed aboard, wrapping her arms around Noel's waist. "This thing isn't going to blow up on us, is it?"

"I hope not," he said. He turned the key, and the engine roared to life. "So far, so good. Let's ride."

The wind whipped around them, bitterly cold and gray. Dee's hair flew out behind her, and she suspected she was going to have some incredible tangles to work out later, but the feeling as the motorcycle roared over the dirt was completely intoxicating and she decided that she didn't care at all. This was what they'd been working for: this speed, this wind, this freedom. Dee closed her eyes and tilted her face to the wind, shouting in delight.

They roared past a construction site, and envious hoots followed them in their wake. She caught a brief glimpse of Tyrol, heavy beard and a hard hat, although he didn't look amused. Dee didn't care. It was so easy to forget everything and just to enjoy.

They rode around the entire settlement, in all its ragged glory. They passed _Colonial One_, sitting up on a hill like a decaying palace. Dee hoped Felix was inside and could see them going by. They drove by the water reclamation plant, the hydroelectric plant, and the complex that would become apartments. Here and there Dee saw familiar faces, people from the _Galactica_ and the _Pegasus_ that had left. She spotted Kara, her hair long and disorderly, looking pale and drawn, and she couldn't help the tiny grin that she hid in Noel's shoulder.

They rode until the sun began to set, and they knew they were due back up on the _Pegasus_ in fifteen minutes. Dee finally climbed off the bike, her legs and butt numb from the vibrations.

"That was fantastic. Thank you, Noel," she said.

"Hey, any time." Noel gave her a cocky grin. "You did do a lot of the work," he allowed, which for Noel was a fairly big concession.

"Is that how I rated first ride over Hoshi?" Dee asked.

Noel was guiding the motorcycle back on to the Raptor. "Hoshi's not getting a ride. I'll let him drive it, but no ride."

"Why not?"

Noel smiled. "It's something we used to do all the time when we were together and had shore leave. It had a lot of meaning for us, y'know? Some things you just can't go back to."

In the eight months that Dee had been friends with Noel, she'd learned a lot about him. She knew about his childhood, his parents, his first boyfriend, his once-upon-a-time desire to eventually retire from the military and open a garage. But he very, very rarely spoke of his relationship with Hoshi, a fact which only increased her curiosity about it. "Afraid it will rekindle things?"

"We're way past that. It's just not right," he said firmly, and Dee knew she wasn't getting any more out of him. "Come on- get in. We've got to get you home to your husband in time for supper. And maybe you can make him jealous. If he'd seen how you looked on the bike, I think he would be."

Dee thought about Lee on the motorcycle and had to admit it just wasn't the same. "Yeah," she sighed. "Let's go home. No supper, but I've got a shift in CIC. Adama's sending Tigh down to New Caprica tomorrow, and I have to make sure things aren't going to fall apart between the two ships without him in the CIC."  



	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee thought she just about had life on the _Pegasus_ worked out… and then the Cylons found them.

"Status update?" Dee asked.

"Chief Laird reports that the airlock should be functional in," Martins consulted her clipboard, "'a day or two, I think'," she read off dryly. Dee rolled her eyes, and even Martins couldn't contain a little grin. "He's got a crew working on it, and doesn't anticipate any problems."

"Good. Does he have any idea how it was damaged?"

"Wear and tear, sir."

Or someone making a jump too close to the battlestar. Dee made a mental note to investigate that possibility. "What's the status on the engine pod maintenance?"

"Proceeding as scheduled, sir."

Dee nodded. "Thank you, Lieutenant," she began, and one of the comm units began to buzz. Dee immediately recognized the incoming signal frequency as one from the ground, and picked the receiver up curiously. "_Pegasus_, Dualla," she said.

"Dee?" The voice was all too familiar. Dee's eyes flared open in recognition.

"Starbuck. What can I do for you?" _She's on the ground_, Dee reminded herself savagely. _On the ground and married._

"Is Lee there?" Kara sounded funny, a combination of frustrated and worried. "I mean… is the Commander there?"

"He's not in the CIC at the moment, but if you like I can make sure he gets a message," Dee said.

"It's really important," Kara was saying. "I need to speak to Lee."

The CIC doors opened, and Dee heard Hoshi say, "Commander on deck." Lee's uniform was unbuttoned, and his was hair tousled and informal. A treacherous little voice in her mind said that if Kara could see him, she wouldn't want him looking like this anyway.

"Hey, what's going on?" Lee asked.

Dee handed him the receiver. "It's for you."

Lee stared at the receiver like it was a mouse. "Who is it?" he asked.

"It's for you," Dee repeated, holding out the receiver more insistently.

"Who is it?" Lee asked again, and then smirked and then got it. "Right," he said, in a voice that did Dee's heart good. He put the receiver to his ear. "What do you want?"

She couldn't drift away without looking like that was what she was doing, so Dee stared fixedly up at the DRADIS screen like it was the most fascinating thing in the world. She wasn't expecting to see anything, especially given the mess the screen usually looked in the orbit around New Caprica. And she didn't _want_ to see anything. Which was exactly why the blips stood out to her.

With the first one, she told herself it was a fluke, a trick, her imagination. But with the second one, the world slowed.

"Commander," she heard herself saying, her voice echoing in her ears.

Lee's voice came from miles away, and in her ear at the same time. "Wait. Yeah, Lieutenant. What is it?"

Another one. "I'm not sure. Picking up something on DRADIS."

"DRADIS? How can you see anything in that soup?"

Another blip. "There it is," Dee said, and the world stopped completely. Kara Thrace was nothing compared to this.

"What is it? Wait, what is that?"

"Oh, my Gods, it's a Cylon fleet. They found us," Dee said. She looked at Lee, her heart pounding in her throat and convinced this was how it felt to relive a nightmare. "They found us."

Lee whirled. "Mr. Hoshi. Confirm."

Hoshi was already typing something frantically into his console. "The Lieutenant is right, sir. I'm counting three, four, six baseships." He spun something and tapped his headset. "Patching us through to _Galactica._" He flipped a switch. "Action stations, action stations. Set Condition One throughout the ship. This is not a drill. Repeat, this is not a drill." He looked over at Lee. "Awaiting your orders, sir."

For a moment, Lee just looked flabbergasted. Then he shifted into action. "Tactical, spool up the FTL drive."

"Multiple DRADIS contacts bearing seven four two," Hoshi reported.

"Defensive batteries," Lee ordered. "Selective fire."

"Launch the alert fighters?" Dee asked.

Thorton shook his head. "That's a no-go, Lieutenant. The birds aren't ready to be launched."

"What?" Lee demanded. "What the frak?"

Thorton just shrugged.

"Two more base ships jumping in," Hoshi said.

"What about the _Galactica_ Vipers?" Dee asked.

"Nothing in the air yet," Thorton reported back.

"Get me _Galactica_," Lee said. Hoshi nodded, and Lee nearly yanked the receiver off the line. He stepped away from the table slightly, leaning over and lowering his voice. "We have to get out of here, sir." Dee was close enough that she heard him clearly, and the words froze her. But before she could say anything, Lee spoke again. "There's nothing we can do. It's taken us forever just to get to action stations over here. We're in no shape for a fight, sir." Adama said something, and Lee shook his head. "We don't have a choice. We need to get out of here right now." He nodded. "Thank you, sir."

He looked up, and then looked at Thorton and Hoshi. "Begin jump prep."

"But sir-" Hoshi began.

Lee cut him off. "Those are the Admiral's orders, Mr. Hoshi."

Hoshi and Thorton exchanged glances. Out of the corner of her eye, Dee could see Martins barely containing her rage. And for once, she didn't blame the _Pegasus_ crew one bit. But Hoshi just shook his head and said, "Aye, sir."

"Starting to green," Dee said, not recognizing her own voice at all. "Sublight."

"Go."

"Helm."

"Go," Martins said. Another Cylon baseship appeared on the DRADIS, and the Raiders began to launch.

"Tactical."

"Go," Thorton acknowledged.

"Nav."

"Go," Hoshi ground out.

"FTL."

"Spun up. Board is green."

"The Fleet's away," Thorton confirmed.

"All right," Lee said. "Execute jump."

The world lurched, and the DRADIS was clear.

One by one, little dots began appearing. The Fleet, in formation, but with huge gaps where ships were still on the ground at New Caprica. And one large dot labeled _Galactica_, flanking the other side of the Fleet.

The CIC was silent.

Dee swallowed hard, because if she didn't, she was going to throw up. Thirty nine thousand people dead, probably in a cloud of radioactive detonation. It wouldn't have taken long to wipe the New Caprica settlement out, and they… they had done nothing. They hadn't defended, hadn't protected… nothing. She closed her eyes.

Lee wiped his face and then braced his hands against the table, bowing his head. Something beeped, and Thorton reached out to silence it. Dee felt like she could hear every breath, feel every heartbeat.

Lee looked up. "I know," he began, "that there were people down there. Thirty nine thousand people. And I know that the decision to retreat will not be a popular one."

"No, sir, it won't."

Dee turned with the others, automatically, to look at Hoshi. He'd stood up, arms crossed.

"Mr. Hoshi," Lee said, "do you have something to say?"

"We should have fought them, Commander. To hell and back with our own asses- we should have fought them."

"With what?" Lee asked. "What would you have had us fight them with, Lieutenant?" Lee turned so he was facing the entire CIC now. "Our birds were all still in the hangar deck. Not one Viper, not one Raptor, was ready to be launched three minutes after the ships jumped into orbit. Our gun batteries? Largely unmanned. Our nukes? Well, our nukes were operable, but how were we going to gun down six baseships with two understaffed battlestars, even as more Cylon baseships jumped into orbit?

"Yes, we ran. But let's consider some facts. We have two thousand people in this Fleet, two thousand who need protection. What we call our Colonial Fleet is a pair of half-strength battlestars, one so old and antiquated it was literally ready to become a museum. And we were desperately outnumbered. We would have lost. And then not only the people on New Caprica would have died, but the people we could save. The people in these ships, in this Fleet. If we had stayed and fought, humanity would be completely extinct.

"So, what would you have had us do, Mr. Hoshi? Which would you choose? Our pride, or our survival?"

Hoshi raised his chin. "It's not a question of our pride or our survival, Commander. It's a question of our imperative. War is our imperative, and running like we did defied our very nature."

A murmur ran through the CIC, and the staff was exchanging glances. Defiant glances. Angry. Like something in Hoshi's words stirred them, touching a memory deep within each of them. Hoshi stood straight, glaring at Lee.

Lee stepped up to him. "And if it was the Gods themselves that attacked us? Would you fight them, too?"

There was a glint in Hoshi's eye as he tilted his head. "Any day, sir." They locked gazes for a long moment, the CIC hovering on a razor's edge.

The comm unit buzzed. Dee waited, and then picked the receiver up herself. "_Pegasus._ Dualla."

"This is _Galactica_ actual," Adama said, his voice rough with anger over the line. "Get the Commander on the horn immediately."

"Commander," Dee said, extending the receiver, and the spell broke. Lee made a disgusted noise and whirled away from Hoshi, taking the receiver from Dee. Hoshi sat back down at his console, bending over and applying himself to the job. Thorton thumped him on the shoulder, and then retreated to his own console. Martins glared angrily at Lee, and then began calling down to the hangar deck for the necessary updates. All around Dee, the CIC lurched back to life and action, even if it wasn't the action or life that it was meant for. Dee stood still in the thick of it, watching Hoshi. The enormity of what had happened hadn't sunk in just yet, but what he was saying… she shivered.

Lee slammed down the phone. Dee raised her eyebrows at him, and he sighed. "The Admiral wants to see us immediately," he informed her. "We should go."

***

The Raptor was silent, except for the beeping of sensors and the low occasional word between the pilot and the ECO. Dee stared at the panels, only seeing a collection of shapes rather than distinct objects. The world was upside down.

"Gods," Lee suddenly exploded. "Just who the hell does he think he is, anyway?"

"Who?" Dee asked, more because the response was expected from her than because she didn't know the answer.

"Hoshi. Gods, what a frak. We've let him go too long. I used to think all of Garner's reports of insubordination were just trumped up charges and Garner's bruised ego, but now I'm not so sure." Dee shrugged, mentally snorting and watching Thumper and his ECO Scissors as discreetly as could. Thumper gave no reaction, but Scissors snickered. "I'm going to speak to the Admiral about this."

Dee looked at him as if he was crazy. "And say what?" she asked. "That he told you that we should have stood and fought the Cylons? That he didn't approve of your command decisions?"

"You heard him," Lee said. "It was insubordinate, disrespectful-"

"And compared to the flak I've been getting from him for the past eight months, downright restrained," Dee said angrily. "This is the _Pegasus_, Lee. They've been fighting the Cylons since the attacks."

"Oh, and we haven't?"

"No," Dee said. "We haven't. We've been protecting humanity. They're two different ideas, Lee, and two different schools of thought."

"Yeah, well, we were right."

Dee turned to Scissors. "Hoshi said something in the CIC," she said. "Something about _the imperative of war._ What did he mean by that?"

The humor leeched from Scissors' face, replaced with a dark solemnity. "It was something that Cain said after we learned of the destruction of the Colonies," he said. "She said that a philosopher had once said _When face with untenable alternatives, you should consider your imperative._ We were faced with untenable alternatives, and our imperative was- is- war. That that was what we had left to live for, to make the Cylons understand that this war would _never_ be over."

"So say we all," Thumper said in a hard and angry voice.

"Yeah, well, the war _is_ over," Lee said. "And we lost."

Dee had heard that said before, and in a sense, she agreed with it. But she saw the outrage on Scissors' face when Lee uttered those words, and she realized that that was the feeling she'd been getting on the _Pegasus_ that she hadn't been able to put a finger to. That was why life was edgier here, less settled than on _Galactica_. She glimpsed it, struggled with it, tried to understand how that imperative lived and breathed in the hearts and minds of the soldiers on this ship versus on her own, and came up with only the most hollow understanding. She suddenly found herself wishing she'd known Cain better, just to understand the crew better.

"We're landing, sir," Thumper said, with the unspoken _good riddance_ hanging in the air. Dee sighed and braced herself as she spotted Adama waiting for them.

***

"I know what you're going to say," Lee began as soon as the hatch to the Admiral's quarters closed behind them, "but it was the right decision."

"I didn't say it wasn't. Sit."

Dee sat down next to Helo, but Lee stayed standing. "We were outnumbered. If we'd attempted to defend-"

"That's not why it was the right decision." Adama sat down at his desk, looking for a long moment at his glasses. "How many shots did you fire?"

"Shots? Not one, sir."

"No alert fighters. No shots. They caught us with our pants down, and we were able to jump away, with not so much as a scratch. What does that tell you?"

Dee saw it an instant before Lee did, and her heart leapt with the realization.

"We've kept a Raptor on surveillance in the debris around New Caprica," Adama continued. "There have been no signs of nuclear detonation, no indication of damage. Before ground contact was cut off, we were told that no shots had been fired. The goal of this mission wasn't destruction."

"And it's a fair bet Baltar surrendered," Helo said, wonder in his voice.

"He'd do anything to save his own skin," Adama agreed. "Even sell his own people into slavery."

"Our people must still be alive," Dee said, hope flaring wildly within her.

Adama nodded. "So now it's time to talk about how we get them back."

"Excuse me?" Lee asked. "Not to be disrespectful, sir, but are you insane?"

"I've been told so a few times," Adama said seriously.

"When we left, six basestars had jumped into orbit. I assume that the Cylons have no trouble calling in more. And you want us- two half-strength battlestars- to take them all out?"

"No," Adama said, "I want us to rescue our people. If we take the basestars out, I won't complain. But our first priority is to our people. I would have thought you would understand that."

"I understand that," Lee said, bristling, "but it can't be done."

"It can, and it will."

"I don't see how."

"That's our job, to find a way."

Lee laughed bitterly. "Fighting the Gods," he muttered.

Adama looked up. "What?"

"Nothing. Just something Hoshi said." Lee made a face as Adama's silence flowed towards him. "That war is our imperative, and that we should have stayed and fought. He's wrong," Lee said, thrusting his chin out.

"He is, but not for your reasons. Now shut up and sit down. We've got a rescue to start planning."

***

"He's dreaming," Lee ranted, throwing his towel down on the bed. "There's no possible way."

"So you keep saying." Dee was trying to focus on the reports from the day. It was difficult- she hadn't realized just how exhausted she was, and yet she still didn't think she could sleep. Nightmarish images kept running through her mind, along with an intense, overwhelming guilt. Guilt that she was alive, guilt that they'd run… Hoshi's angry face appeared in front of her eyes and she pushed it away angrily. "But Lee, they're still alive down there."

"So we assume."

"The Cylons aren't going to line thirty-nine thousand people up and shoot them execution style," Dee said crossly. "Something else is going on. If they were bent on destruction, they would have nuked the place." She flipped the page and groaned inwardly. The engine pod maintenance reports. Could she have found anything more tedious and boring to read?

"I'm just saying… I don't see how we're going to do it."

Dee opened her mouth to respond, but nothing came out because the signature stating that the supply requisition had been filled hit her, and hit her hard.

"What is it?" Lee asked.

She put the report down. "Felix is down there," Dee said, wiping at her eyes. "And he's in the government. He's Baltar's right hand man. Lee, if Helo's right and Baltar surrendered, Felix is either… he could collaborate or he's dead. He might be dead already and-"

"Hey, hey." Lee came around and took her by the shoulders. "Don't jump to conclusions, all right?" he said. "It's not that black and white. Maybe… maybe they're taking prisoners. Or maybe Felix got out of _Colonial One_ before they attacked. Like you keep saying, we don't know what's happening down there."

Dee nodded. "You're right," she said, wiping her eyes and pushing away the dread. Lee smiled and patted her knee, and Dee thought how much easier it would be to believe him if he believed himself.

"Look," Lee said, stroking her hair, "it's going to be okay, all right? We're going to be okay."

Dee sighed heavily. "I know we will be," she said, and then picked up her reports again. "It's everyone else I'm worried about."

***

Guilt was all well and good, but it didn't solve any problems, and Dee knew that. She felt it, boxed it up, and decided it was time to get her crew back into shape so they could do _something._ A week later, she had a training schedule worked out, and was standing in front of the crew, ready to treat them like new recruits.

"All right, maggots!" Noel shouted, and Dee thought there might be a bit of a gleeful note in his voice, "let's fall in line! You heard the XO! Move it! Move it! Move it!"

"If ranks aren't formed in ten seconds, I'm adding another two laps!" Dee shouted.

The crew fell into line. Noel took his spot by the pilots, and began shouting again. "Let's move it! We've got ten laps to finish before 0700 hours, and that's only an hour and a half away! Get your frakking asses in gear, you lazy lumps of lard!"

Dee was about to take her own spot when to her surprise, Hoshi appeared at her elbow in sweats and tanks. "Need someone to take another group?" he asked.

"You're supposed to be-"

He glared at her. "I'm the one that yelled at the Commander in the middle of the CIC. I figure I'd better put my money where my mouth is. Thorton's covering my shift. I'll take the slow group."

"All right," Dee relented, partly because he had a point but mainly because she needed anyone she could get to push this crew into anything resembling discipline. "Get back there," she said, jerking her thumb. "My group! Let's move it!"

The squadron lurched into motion, and Dee ran beside them, shouting all the while. This group was mainly gunners, and Dee noticed that a lot of them had gotten a bit soft. They ran through the halls of the _Pegasus_, crew who weren't called for this run moving out of their way and pointedly not watching them. But they made it through, although on their second to last lap Dee spotted Lee watching them, confusion written clearly on his face. And she wasn't surprised when he found her afterwards in the nearly-deserted officers' mess.

"What was that?"

Dee poured herself a glass of water and drank it down before she answered. "What was what, Commander?"

"Running laps? Dee, are you insane?"

"No, just extremely sweaty." Dee smiled at Lee, who was glaring at her, arms crossed.

"Laps aren't going to help us take on the Cylons on New Caprica."

"You're joking if you think that."

"Laps. Dee, the crew is in good shape."

Dee looked pointedly at Lee's stomach, and he flushed. She sighed and shook her head, pouring another glass of water. "They're not in top notch shape," she said, "but that isn't really the point."

"Oh? Enlighten me. What is the point?"

"Discipline," Dee said shortly. "I need a shower." She slipped by Lee, assuming that most of the pilots would have left the officers' head by now.

She was right, and as she walked in she saw that the only two occupants were Noel and Hoshi. They were stripping down- Hoshi was folding his clothing, standing in his boxers, and Noel was unselfconsciously naked, using his towel as a whip to illustrate some joke rather than to cover up.

"So, Scissors tried to tell me that he already got up and did his laps, but you know he's full of shit- Scissors would sleep the whole day if he could get away with it. Remember that time Admiral Cain found him asleep at his station?" Hoshi laughed evilly at that, and Noel grinned as he continued, "So yeah. I told him to get his ass in line and run or I'd be showing the pilots a porno in a dark room and making him mop up afterwards and bang!" The towel impacted against a locker. "He fell into line just like that."

"That's frakking disgusting," Hoshi said, but he was still laughing. "Only you would think of something like that." He stripped off his boxers.

"Yeah, well, it worked, didn't it? Would you want to clean up all that- oh, hey, XO." Noel nudged Hoshi. "You could salute." He snapped off a salute, complete, Dee noticed, with a full erection and a mischievous grin.

"Yes, we're all very impressed. Put it away, Narcho," Dee said, rolling her eyes.

"Hey, I get off on power," Noel said cheerfully. Hoshi snorted, and Dee began pulling off her own tanks.

"I don't want to hear any more. Just take your shower." She tossed her tanks into her locker and stepped out of her sweats, and then noticed that Hoshi was leaning against the lockers, arms crossed, watching her. "What?" she demanded.

"Sorry my salute isn't as impressive as Narcho's. Guess we can't all have a hard-on for the XO."

Dee arched her eyebrow. "I'm sorry, was that an attempt at humor?" she asked. She shook her head. "Will wonders ever cease?"

"Haven't seen much in the way of wonders recently here," Hoshi said derisively.

"Well, that's a really nice thing to say when a woman strips down in front of you," Noel said. "You're _supposed_ to flatter them."

Hoshi stared at him blankly. "When did I _ever_ give you the impression I was interested in women?"

"And are you always this insufferable after a workout?" Dee asked Noel.

"No, only after I've tasted power. Power, I say!" Noel shouted, raising his fists to the air and then laughing maniacally. Hoshi whacked him in the face with a towel, and Dee slow-clapped.

"Look!" Noel shouted, his voice muffled by the towel, "I'm bringing you two together! I am a miracle worker! I AM A GOD!"

Hoshi shoved him into a stall. "You are an idiot," he said, but he was laughing. Dee was startled to notice that when Hoshi laughed like that, his entire face lit up, changing it completely from plain to almost handsome. But the effect went away immediately as he fell back into his normal, serious expression. "Are you really going to keep him as a drill instructor?"

"Yes, I'll just sic him on you afterwards, and you can deal with him," Dee said. She pulled her ponytail holder out and stepped into her own stall and turned on the water. The warmth of it felt good, rushing over her.

"You could sic him on your husband," Hoshi suggested. "Maybe he could annoy him enough to light a fire under his fat ass."

"Again with the fat cracks," Dee sighed. "You're not very creative these days, are you?"

"He's taking all the fun out of it," Hoshi agreed. "He's turned into a mockery all by himself. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Fat fish."

"Not affected. Sorry, try again," Dee said.

"Louis, she agrees with you," Noel said. "Come on, who do you think got the drills started? Lay off her, will you? Frak, if the two of you would actually fight the Cylons with half as much energy as you fight each other, we'd beat them in seconds."

"It's not that easy." Hoshi's voice drifted up over the steam. "You know that, Noel. Especially with half the pilots down in that frakked up hellhole. And that was _before_ the Cylons landed."

The laughter ebbed out of the room, like it had constantly this past week. Any time anyone thought they could go on with life, could forget what had happened, the memory of the attack loomed up out of the bog of memory, squashing any sort of joy. She sighed.

Noel felt it too. "I wonder what's happening down there," he said, and his voice was so serious. "Louis, do you think Cole-"

"I don't know," Hoshi snapped, but even Dee could hear it wasn't anger in his voice, but worry. "I don't know any more than you do."

"I know, but-"

"Don't think about it," Hoshi said. "Unless you're using it to get angry, don't think about it."

Dee didn't hear Noel's response because she ducked under the water, letting it rush over her hair and drowning out their voices. She closed her eyes, and when she did, the images came again. So many people she loved were down there- Cally, Chief, Roslin, Tigh… and Felix. Thinking about Felix was the worst.

She shut off the water and stepped out, surprised to see Hoshi stepping out of his shower at the same time. "You're crying," he said bluntly.

"I am not," Dee said. She wiped her wet face. "And even if I was, you'd be the last person I'd tell."

"Don't know why. Your husband, your father-in-law, and your best friend are all up here safe," Hoshi said mockingly. "Why would _you_ care what's happening on New Caprica?"

Noel appeared at her side suddenly. "Her best friend _is_ on New Caprica, you frakking twit." He tossed his towel in Hoshi's face. "Get dressed before you say something else stupid."

Dee smiled weakly at Noel and turned away, trying to focus on her clothing. "I'll just be glad when this is over and our people are back," she said, keeping her voice as steady as possible.

"We all will," Noel agreed.

***

"What have we got?" Lee asked, looking over Dee's shoulder as she sat at her desk in their quarters. "Twelve disciplinary actions? How many days does that cover?"

"Since this morning," Dee said. She sighed. "Some of them are minor. Two instances of crew members showing up late for duty, an account of a rather unimaginative insubordination, a Marine who performed especially poorly on his firearm check, and a pilot who decided to take a few shortcuts on their postflight check."

"But the other seven?"

"Two fistfights, which accounts for four, a botched landing from a Viper drill, a Marine showing up drunk, and a much more imaginative insubordination." Dee bit her lip. "Lee, the crew is… well, they aren't slipping. The response time has decreased by forty percent, which is good, and our drill performance has been improving in all areas. But they're getting restless. It's been two months. Has the Admiral said anything about when we're going back to New Caprica?"

"Of course he talks about New Caprica. That's all he talks about. That's all he _thinks_ about."

"Yes, but has there been-"

"He's still looking for a plan, Dee." Lee sighed heavily. "Gods, I wish we still had Starbuck. This is the exact kind of thing-"

"Starbuck's not the only one who can think outside the box," Dee said sternly. "When you put your mind to it, you come up with some pretty creative ideas yourself."

"But not like hers," Lee bemoaned. Dee bit the inside of her cheek to keep from saying anything she'd regret. "This would be so much easier if we had her."

"Yeah, well, we don't," Dee snapped. She softened at Lee's expression. "But we'll come up with something, Lee. I believe that."

"Yeah, I guess I do, too," Lee said, but they both knew he was lying.

***

"Any questions about the current status?" Helo asked. Dee and Hoshi both shook their heads, and Helo stood. "Thank you, lieutenants." He saluted, and Dee and Hoshi both saluted back. Then Helo grinned. "Walk me out? I still get a little lost on this battlestar."

For some reason, that statement made Hoshi grin wryly, and Dee suspected that he was mentally mocking Helo for it. But to her surprise and annoyance, he walked with them towards the hangar deck. Helo didn't seem to mind, though, and kept up an idle stream of chatter with Hoshi until they arrived on the hangar deck.

"It looks like Racetrack has Laird pinned down," Helo said as they entered. "If you'll excuse me for a second, I really want to give her a hand."

"Go ahead," Dee said, watching Helo jog over. After he left, she turned to Hoshi. "What was that back there?"

"What was what, sir?"

"Your report on our Viper drills. The pilots are sloppy and undisciplined, even by _Galactica_ standards? They need direction and focus? CAG and commanding officers need to push harder?"

"The Captain asked a question. I answered it."

"You-"

"Did I say something you disagree with, Lieutenant?" Hoshi asked evenly, but his eyes were glinting with challenge. "Or did you not like me criticizing your husband?"

"You could have been more tactful about it."

"Why? Commander Adama wasn't in the room to protect his delicate feelings. And besides, if this rescue op is going to go off, we can't be so concerned about what your precious Commander thinks. The Admiral has to know exactly what our status is. Anything less is betraying the soldiers under your command."

"You think I'm doing a lousy job," Dee said.

"Didn't say that. But I think you're being frakking lazy and cowardly about not confronting your husband on the lousy job that _he's_ doing."

"What are you saying, Lieutenant?"

"Permission to speak freely, sir?" Hoshi asked, in a duty-bound tone of voice.

"When has that ever stopped you?" Dee demanded.

"The Commander is a joke. He's soft, cowardly, and weak. He's not fit to take Admiral Cain's place."

"Because Admiral Cain was such a shining example of what an Admiral should be."

"She was. She was ready to make sacrifices that your frakking husband would never even dream of."

"Like murdering civilians aboard the _Scylla_?"

Hoshi flinched at that, but he regrouped. "Do you know what happened when the Cylons attacked us?" he asked. "I was knocked out. I was told that Cain found me, and then she left me there, because the lives of the rest of her crew and the mission were more important than me."

"Oh, poor baby. Didn't Cain love you enough?"

"You're missing the point," Hoshi said scornfully. "Cain _did_ love me. She was alike a frakking older sister to me. And she left me there, because she knew what she had to do and she didn't let emotion get in the way. And I'm frakking _proud_ of her for that."

"And that's Lee's problem?" Dee scoffed.

"Lee, the Admiral, you… yes, in a word."

"Is that why Cain shot Colonel Belzen? For the good of her crew and the mission?"

"That was different." But something in Hoshi's stance shifted, and Dee realized he was on the defensive on this one, in a very deep and personal way.

"How? Explain that one to me. How is it in any way acceptable for an Admiral to shoot her XO like that? How is that in anyway unemotional? Or admirable? If you ask me, it was a sign of one of two things: power hunger cruelty, or insanity."

"At least she fought!" Hoshi shouted, and Dee recoiled from that one. "At least she did something, instead of sitting around and letting the Cylons get away with it!"

"Yeah, she shot her XO, murdered civilians, and employed rape and torture as interrogation devices! We swore to protect the people of the Colonies. Some protection! Didn't any of that get through to you while you were sitting on your ass in CIC? Didn't any of those lives mean a thing to you?"

"Of course they did!"

"Then why did you stand by? Why didn't _you_ stop it?" Hoshi opened his mouth, but Dee rushed on. "I'll tell you why- because you would have just gotten a bullet in your head for your trouble. You say that Cain gave a frak about you, but deep down you know she never listened to a word you said, and she would have shot you just as easily as she shot Belzen if you dared to defy her!"

Hoshi swung at her.

It was a slap, not a punch, and there was a part of Dee that thought that was completely pathetic. But it contacted with her cheek and sent her reeling, and Dee was almost happy because it gave her the excuse to come up and land a right cross right across Hoshi's face.

"You bitch!" he shouted, and she was savagely pleased to see that his nose was bleeding. "You think you can just waltz on to the _Pegasus_ and take everything over, and then just sit back and not do your damn job? If you were half the XO that Jurgen was on his worst day, you'd be riding your husband so frakking hard the bastard wouldn't even think of arguing with you. He'd be the Commander he was before we found this planet, instead of the useless pining whining FRAK that he is now and-"

Dee swung again, but someone grabbed her by the waist and threw her against the wall. There was a thud, and Hoshi landed beside her, flat on his ass. They were both hit with a hard spray of ice-cold water. Dee sputtered, crawling away from it and looking up to see who the offender was.

Helo stood above her, glaring down at them both. He turned off the hose, leaving Hoshi dripping wet and coughing on the floor.

"Are you two done?" he demanded.

Dee nodded silently, and Hoshi wiped his face. Helo reached down and grabbed Dee's hand, hauling her to her feet. "Get yourself cleaned up," he ordered Hoshi "We're not saying a word about this to the Commander or the Admiral, right?"

"If you say so, sir."

Helo sighed. "We're planning a rescue op. We don't need the XO and the best Communications Officer in the Fleet in the hack right now."

"Aye, sir," Hoshi said miserably. He started to get to his feet.

Helo still had a vice grip on Dee's wrist. "Come on."

***

"What the frak, Dee?" he said, beginning to undo her jacket like she was a child. "I have never, ever seen you act like that. What's going on?"

To her shock and horror, Dee felt the tears welling in her eyes. "You know what, Helo? He's right."

"About Cain?" Helo said, surprised.

"No. About me. About Lee. He's always been right. Every time. I _did_ sleep my way to the XO position."

"Oh, Gods," Helo said, sounding a little panicked. He looked around the room frantically and found a handkerchief. "Dee, he's not right."

"Yes, he is. Lee's been… he's been lost. Drifting. Not a Commander, nothing like he should be."

Helo gently dried her face. "And how's that your fault?" he asked. "Lee's an adult, Dee. He makes his own decisions."

"Yeah, but I'm his wife."

"His wife, not his keeper." Helo sat back, looking at Dee like she was going to fall over if he left her. "Dee, I know that Lee's having a hard time with all this, and I don't blame him. But he's human, right? He's not a machine." Helo grinned at the irony. "I've known Lee a long time, and his heart was never in the military. He was in it to pay for college, and because his father expected it of him. He's good, Dee, but he's not a soldier at heart. Not like you or me. You can't force him to be something he's not, Dee. The best you can do is to help him get through this."

"But you've seen how he's handling-"

"I said help," Helo said gently. "Not control. Come on, Dee." He put his arms around her and pulled her in close. "Have a good cry," he advised. "It sounds like you need it."

Dee nodded and laid her head against Helo's shoulder. It felt so good just to have someone support her without question, not pushing her, just accepting that she had reached her limit for the day. Just listening. "Ever since the Cylons found us again, he's just… I keep waiting for him to climb out of this hole he's in," Dee confided. "And he just won't, no matter how hard I try. It's like he doesn't believe it's worth fighting for, or he's scared of what will happen if we lose, and that everything is pointless and he can't do it. And every day we know there are people who are frustrated and want to attack, and people who agree with him and think it's pointless, and I don't know how long we can keep the balance up, and Hoshi keeps staring at me with these accusing eyes and telling me _I_ should be fixing it, and that I don't care what's happening to the people on the ground, when it's all I can even do not to think constantly about them and if I even _think_ about Chief or Felix or Cally I just want to…" Dee completely dissolved into tears.

Helo let her cry for a long, long time into his shoulder, until her back began to hurt and she couldn't breathe and her body began to protest. The tears dried up, and she was finally able to sit back.

"Hoshi's not right about you, okay?" Helo said, wiping her face. "You're doing a great job. Don't think that the Old Man doesn't know what's going on over here." Dee nodded. "Feel better?" he asked.

Dee considered it. "A bit," she said. "But my underwear is still wet."

Helo stared at her, and suddenly they both burst into hysterical laughter, laughing far harder than the joke warranted. When they calmed down again, Dee managed to ask, "You won't tell Lee about this?"

"Lee or the Admiral. As long as you pull yourself back together and don't deck any more officers, you have my word."

Dee nodded and wiped her cheeks with the palms of her hands. "I'll pull it back together," she promised, lifting her chin. "And I won't toss Hoshi out the airlock."

Helo laughed.

***

The storage closet was dusty and cluttered. In one of the few non-duty related sentences Hoshi had uttered to her in the past two weeks, he had mentioned that Belzen might have had an old copy of an obscure tactics manual. Dee sifted through the boxes until she found the ones labeled as Jurgen Belzen's personal effects. She hauled them out and opened them up.

As she did, Dee suspected that Hoshi was wrong, and the manual wasn't in here. The effects that were left were trivial and would have no use to anyone. There were no grooming supplies, no medications, nothing that could have been recycled and given to someone else to use, and definitely nothing military. There _were_ two magazines on paragliding, and a book that looked like a trashy detective novel. Dee set them both aside, and then found several framed pictures.

The first was a triad, foldout frame. On either side were pictures of young girls, pretty and wearing blue dresses and big smiles. In the center was a picture of the two girls with their parents: a pretty brown-haired woman with large eyes, and a handsome man sitting proudly in his Colonial uniform, the Colonel's pips clear on his collar. Dee looked at the picture more closely, realizing that this must be Belzen himself. She closed the frame and put it aside. The next framed picture was the wife again, and then there was a picture of Belzen with his wife and a glider, both of them grinning into the sunlight. Obviously a family man, whose family was destroyed in the attacks. Dee shuddered.

She picked up the next frame, and broken glass slid out and tinkled to the floor. In the one opening stood Cain, Belzen, and Hoshi, all stiff and formal in their dress grays. On the other side, the three of them were sitting at a bar in civilian clothing, all holding huge drinks and smiling, Hoshi sitting in the center. The picture sent a warm shock through her, and Dee realized that Hoshi _hadn't_ been lying about his close relationship with Cain, and that he'd been just as close with Belzen. In fact, as she looked at it more closely, she noticed that their free arms were around Hoshi's shoulders.

She shook her head and pulled out a packet of unframed pictures, bound together with a rubber band. She pulled the band away and sat down on the floor to look through them.

She flipped through, slowly at first. The pictures on the top were obviously the more recent. She recognized many faces as members of the _Pegasus_ crew. Dee halted on a picture of Noel and Hoshi, sitting on what must have been Noel's motorcycle on Scorpia. Hoshi's hair was longer and his arms wrapped around Noel's waist, Noel had a tan, and they looked considerably younger… and extremely happy.

Picture after picture fell away. Men and women in uniform, deckhands grinning by Vipers, people at bars, on beaches. More pictures of Belzen's family. A man who must have been Belzen's brother by the look of him, kneeling by a dog. A gorgeous wedding photo. A group of people in swimsuits, waving. A teenaged boy, bald and gaunt, sitting on a hospital bed. An old woman in a wheelchair, looking out a window. An old man cuddling with a little boy, reading him a book. A young Belzen graduating Academy.

All these people… the ones she didn't recognize, anyway… were gone. Completely gone. No one remembered them now. And this was what humanity was going to become- faces that no one knew or remembered.

Adama had been right, in so many ways. But Cain was right, too, and now her people were right. _Hoshi_ was right. The imperative of war. It beat in Dee just like it did in him, in Noel, in the _Pegasus_ crew… it was who they were and what they had chosen. Dee had _chosen_ to serve, and to protect.

Sometimes to protect it was best to run away. But sometimes you had to turn and fight, to face unbeatable odds, to fight Gods. You _had_ to make those terrible sacrifices. And now it was Dee's turn to sacrifice, if she had to. She couldn't sit by any more and let Lee drift away, trying to run the ship in his shadow. Lee had to face up, to do what must be done and make _his_ sacrifices. As his XO, it was her duty to make him see that, and as his wife, it was her duty to then step back and support him as he did. Even if Lee didn't like it.

She looked at the pictures in her hand one more time, and then wrapped the band around them and put them into one of her own drawers. She might not know who these people were, but she wouldn't let them be lost to oblivion. Just like she wouldn't let New Caprica be lost forever, either.

It was time to fight back.

***

The thing about trying to talk to Lee was that Lee had a tendency not to listen. Dee tried several times, but the opportunity was never right, and she never even quite got to her subject. It took two weeks before the right moment presented itself. Dee was in their quarters bent over her own work, her dinner cold on a tray beside her, when Lee walked in. He was agitated and drawn. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"My father." Lee nearly spat the words. "He's expecting miracles."

"What do you mean?" Dee asked.

"Two of our pilots almost got killed because they've been in the cockpit for eleven hours," Lee explained. "And he wants to bust my balls. 'You're soft.' Can you believe that?" He flopped into a chair gracelessly.

This was it. She'd been thinking she'd be nervous, but instead, she felt a sense of purpose. Because if Lee didn't listen… if he _wouldn't_ listen… well then, he wasn't the Lee Adama that she loved anymore.

"What? Oh, you agree. Is that it?"

"Forget it. I'm not looking for a fight," Dee sighed, testing him.

"Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't do that." Lee sounded bitter and mocking, but under it, there was something more. Dee looked up at him, studying him carefully. "You got something to say, come out and say it."

And there it was in his face, something desperate and lonely, and Dee realized that for once, Lee wanted to hear the truth. He wanted to know what she was thinking, wanted confirmation of how much standing he'd lost in her eyes. "He's right," she said. "You are soft. I'm not talking about the weight. You've lost your edge, your confidence. You lost your war, Lee. And the truth is, you're a soldier who needs a war. And you don't want to hear it, because you've got it in your head that your father's the soldier. And you sure don't want to be like him. But you are like him. You're more like him than you know. That's one of the reasons I married you."

She turned back to her work, her heart pounding in her ears. But when she glanced back up at him, she could see he was thinking. And she couldn't help thinking she should have said this a long time ago.

***

"Commander on deck."

Dee looked up from Helo's latest plan to see Lee walking in. "Commander."

"What's going on?" he asked her, with a forced casualness that told her he was still dwelling on her words from last night.

"Nothing of note, sir."

"Anything on the wireless?" Lee asked Hoshi.

"No, sir." Hoshi's eyes were fastened on his console, and Dee grimaced. For the past month, they'd been back to their _I won't speak to you if you don't speak to me_ dance, and spoke only when duty required it. In its way, it was restful, but Dee was beginning to realize that Hoshi had actually been her strongest backup in the CIC in terms of dealing with Lee, and to her surprise she was feeling his effective absence.

"Helo sent these over," Dee began. "You might want to take a look-"

"Commander, sir," Hoshi interrupted, "call from _Galactica._ It's urgent." His eyes widened. "They've made contact with the ground, sir."

Dee's heart leaped into her throat, and all around her the air suddenly came alive with a sort of electricity, and she felt herself smiling. "Mr. Hoshi," she said, "get the pilots to the ready room." They wouldn't be able to _do_ anything yet, but Dee wanted to capitalize on the energy. Even Lee was nodding enthusiastically, and that was saying something.

"Yes, sir," Hoshi said, and he was smiling, too.

***

"What?" Hoshi asked, disbelief written all over his face.

"We're not going," Dee said, facing the _Pegasus_ crew that had come over to _Galactica_ for the final briefing. Her throat was closed, and she'd never thought it would be so difficult to relay the orders not to embark on what was essentially a suicide mission. "The _Galactica_ will attempt the New Caprica rescue, but the _Pegasus_ is staying behind to defend what's left of the Fleet. We're due down on the hangar deck in ten minutes. I'll see you all down there."

The crew dispersed, but Hoshi lingered. "What?" Dee asked him crossly.

"Did you talk-"

"Yes," she cut him off angrily. "I tried, Hoshi. Believe me, I tried. I failed, all right?"

"You don't know that," he said lamely. Dee looked at him, surprised. "Adama's right. The Fleet does need protection. And if _Galactica_ doesn't come back, they won't have any if we're gone, too."

"Protection," Dee said sourly.

"Sworn to serve and protect," Hoshi repeated dully.

They looked at each other, and Dee looked away first. "Right," she said. "I'm going down," she told him. "I'll see you down there." She turned and left him standing in the halls of _Galactica_, for once having nothing to say.

***

They returned to the CIC in silence. "Give me the ship," Lee ordered Hoshi, picking up the mouthpiece. Hoshi nodded and flipped on the intercom.

"This is the Commander. I've just returned from _Galactica_ with our orders.

"The rescue mission to New Caprica is chancy at best, and we are faced with a dilemma. It is a dilemma that we should never have to face, but here it is. There are thirty nine thousand people on that planet, and there are two thousand here in the Fleet. We cannot guarantee that the thirty nine thousand people on the planet will survive. The two thousand in the Fleet have a better chance. But they must be allowed to have a chance. They must have leadership, they must have guidance, and they above all, they must have protection.

"We have been tasked with protecting the Fleet. The _Galactica_ will attempt the rescue mission, and we will ensure the survival of humanity. I know this will not be an easy decision for many of you to accept, but this is what is necessary for our survival. We will wait for eighteen hours, and if the _Galactica_ and the rest of our people do not join us, we will continue the search for Earth. That is all."

Lee hung up the mouthpiece, and dropped his head. "Spool up the FTL drives and prepare to jump."

***

It was only a half-hour of restless pacing in the CIC after they'd jumped before Lee turned to Dee and said, "No. We have to go back. We have to do this."

"You're right," Dee said evenly. "Whatever you say, Commander."

At his console, Hoshi looked up. And when Lee turned away, he smiled that smile that lit up his whole face again.

Dee smiled back.

***

"There's only one way I can see that this will be effective," Lee told them as they stood around the table in the war room. "We give them time. Remember, that's all they need- time. And then we get everyone off this boat, and we take them out with what we've got." Lee directed the model of the _Pegasus_ right at the basestar.

"No!" The gasp from Hoshi was instinctive, and Dee saw real pain flaring in his eyes. But he gathered himself together. "I apologize, sir."

"It's all right," Lee said, and his voice was filled with the confident compassion that Dee had always loved. "Believe me, I understand how you feel, but there's no other way to do this. We have to make sacrifices, and at least this way we're not sacrificing lives."

Hoshi nodded, swallowing hard.

"What about the air group?" Showboat asked.

"In the next hour, we've got to move everything we need to move off this ship, as well as all personnel that aren't essential to actually flying her. I want the infirmary and the galleys emptied, and I want all the parts we can manage from the hangar deck. Medicine, food, and spare parts. Those, after people, are our priorities. For the next hour, all Vipers and Raptors will be shuttling people and critical cargo off the _Pegasus_ as fast as they can. If it's not off by then, it's not getting off.

"In order to fly this thing- bare minimum- we need twenty four people. We're going to leave as many Vipers and Raptor s to defend the Fleet as possible, but I need three Raptors with the three absolute best pilots you've got." He glanced at Showboat inquisitively.

"That would be Narcho, Tiger, and Plumey," she said.

"They're our pilots then. They'll be getting the personnel out of here at the last possible second. And Gods watch us all."

They all stared at the war table in silence.

"It's a good plan," Dee finally said.

"Doesn't matter if it is or it isn't," Lee sighed. "It's what we've got."

***

The corridors were empty. Dee was extremely grateful for all those running workouts as she whipped through the halls, her hair flying out behind her. She heard Lee behind her, panting as he ran. She thought that perhaps the halls would be filled with ghosts, knowing that this ship was on her way to her destruction, but the truth was all Dee could think about was getting to the Raptor in time.

She cut the corner into the hangar deck and hurtled down the stairs at breakneck speed. Her footsteps echoed through the empty deck as she sprinted across it. Hoshi was jumping into the Raptor, and once he was in he turned around and held his hand out to her. Surprised, Dee grabbed it and let him pull her in, and then turned around. Together, they helped Lee in.

"That's everyone," Narcho said. He closed the door and lifted them off, and Dee only managed to get to her seat before they flew out of the bay and jumped away.

They arrived at the Fleet, jerking into the stars and into formation. There was no battlestar to dock on, so they sat in silence for a few moments, trying to catch their breaths and watching for the other ships appearing in position. Each ship that appeared made Dee's heart jump in relief and happiness, as more and more people made it off New Caprica. She fumbled for Lee's hand and squeezed it. "He'll make it," she told him. "Thanks to you, he'll make it."

"Yeah." Lee squeezed back.

Dee glanced over at Hoshi just in time to see him surreptitiously wiping his eyes. "Are you okay?" she asked him quietly. He nodded and gave her a small smile. She looked away hurriedly, because he deserved at least a little privacy for his grief. And as she did she cried out, because the _Galactica_ appeared in front of them, battered and worn but intact.

"We did it," Lee said, wrapping his arms around Dee's shoulders and pulling her close. "We really did it."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee didn't think that coming back to the _Galactica_ would be a smooth ride, but she didn't think it would be this difficult to see an old friend.

The cheering had died away, but the hangar deck was still crowded. Confused people milled about, no one quite certain of what happened next. Dee looked around, overwhelmed with the faces that she hadn't seen in at least four months, if not longer.

"Gods, I can't believe…" Lee began, but he trailed off as a woman helped her husband limp by. The man had a bloody bandage wrapped around his head, and he looked dazed. The woman looked at them beseechingly, and Lee pointed. "The medics set up over there," he told her. "Do you need help?"

"No. No, we'll make it. Thank you."

That was when Dee caught sight of Felix, across the hangar deck. He was still standing by a Raptor, his hands shoved in his pockets. He met her gaze for a moment, and then looked away. Dee noticed that his suit was still in good shape and he was far cleaner and better groomed than most of the people on the hangar deck. Her stomach twisted at the implications, and she shivered. Lee's arm tightened around her shoulders.

Adama came over to them. "Lee," he said, "I need your help getting people where they need to go. They'll listen to you."

"Yes, sir."

"Lieutenant Dualla and Lieutenant Hoshi."

"Sir." Dee hadn't even realized that Hoshi was still standing behind her.

"We need to get communications back up and running as soon as possible. Report to the CIC."

"Aye, sir."

"Yes, sir."

Adama clapped Dee on the shoulder. "It's good to have you back," he told her, and then turned with a grimace. "Great. There's Zarek. I'd better go corral him before he announces his presidency."

Dee smiled and watched Adama go. As she did, her eyes passed over Felix again. He hadn't moved, and she wondered why she couldn't make herself go over. Then Hoshi touched her shoulder. "Let's go," he said brusquely. "We have our orders." She nodded, and then turned and followed without a backwards glance.

***

Dee stopped on the threshold when they entered the CIC, her hand covering her mouth. Bare wires hung out, sparking like miniature fireworks. Consoles had been knocked awry, glass was broken, and a medic was treating people who were injured but still working.

"Why are you so shocked?" Hoshi asked. "There's no way the _Galactica_ could have dropped into atmo like that and not taken some major hits, never mind the impact from any missiles or nukes fired from the baseships."

Dee turned around and stared at him. "You just lost the _Pegasus,_" she said, amazed. "And you question how seeing my CIC like this would upset me? You're unbelievable."

"I'm not questioning it," Hoshi protested. "I'm just saying-"

"Lieutenants Dualla and Hoshi. Stop blocking the door and get down here," Helo called from the floor. His eyes were dark, but as Dee hurried down the stairs, he greeted her with a bear hug and held her close for a long moment. He released her then and grabbed Hoshi's hand, pulling him in for a one-armed hug as well. "Glad you two are okay," he said.

"Reporting for duty," Dee agreed. "What needs to be done?"

"I just got in here myself. At a glance, I'd say everything. Start by clearing your way to the communications console."

"What about tactical, sir?" Hoshi asked.

Helo sighed. "The DRADIS is up, and that was first on our priority list." He bit his lip and looked at Dee. "You didn't happen to see if Gaeta got back on board, did you?"

"I did see him," Dee began hesitatingly.

"He okay?" Helo asked.

"Yeah. He looked fine," Dee said, not quite looking at Helo.

Hoshi didn't say anything, but he didn't need to. Dee saw him exchange glances with Helo, and the word hung there unspoken between the three of them. _Collaborator._

Helo broke the silence. "So no one's talked to him yet. I'll vet him through Adama, first." Both Dee and Hoshi nodded at that, and Helo looked over at the tactical station again. "What about Thorton?"

"Right behind you, sir." The _Pegasus_ officer entered the CIC. "Admiral Adama sent me down, sir."

"Excellent. You help me with the tactical station, Dee and Hoshi, get to the comm station."

"Aye, sir."

"Yes, sir." Dee turned on her heel and led the way. "Have you even been in here before?" she asked Hoshi.

"Once, briefly," Hoshi admitted. "I came over with Cain. But I spent time on the _Persephone_ before I was assigned to the _Pegasus_, and it was the same class battlestar as _Galactica_."

Dee nodded. "So you're familiar with the configurations."

Hoshi shrugged. "Vaguely."

"Good. Let's get this back together."

***

The station sparked, and they both jumped back out of the way. "Frak, Hoshi, how many times-"

"Well, if you would just let me-"

"I keep telling you-"

"Lieutenants."

Dee and Hoshi both froze, and then turned to face the Admiral. They both managed to get to their feet, sweaty and sooty and sore. Hoshi had a makeshift bandage wrapped around one hand and the arm of Dee's jacket was singed.

"Status report," Adama said.

Dee looked back at the console and shook her head. "We've established communications with _Colonial One_, sir, but that's it. It's hard to say if it's just our console or if other ships are having trouble as well."

"What about communications within the ship?"

Hoshi shook his head. "We're closer, sir. We've rerouted the power supply, but the circuit board for the QTP78 module is fried."

"Can we get another one?"

"I don't know, sir. Who would I see about parts on the _Galactica_?"

Adama grunted. "Good question." He glanced at his watch, and then back at the two officers. "How long have you two been on?"

"Since we've come on board, sir," Dee answered.

"That's eighteen hours. Go get something to eat and get some rack time. I want you back in six."

"Yes, sir."

"Use the officer's racks for now. We'll figure out where to put everyone later."

"Yes, sir."

Dee turned and headed out of the CIC. Hoshi was right on her heels, almost stepping on her boots. But when she turned around, he looked tired, drained, and completely demoralized. She suspected the only thing keeping him on his feet was sheer strength of will and a sense of duty. She reminded herself what it would feel like to lose the _Galactica_ and sighed. "Come on," she said. "I'll show you the way."

The idea of walking in silence didn't really appeal to Dee; her mind would race to too many places she wasn't ready for it to go. She cast around frantically for a subject of conversation. "How long were you on the _Persephone_?" she finally asked.

"For a year," Hoshi answered. "It was my first assignment after I graduated from the Academy."

"You only served a year? I thought most tours were a minimum of two."

"Cain got promoted to Commander and went to the _Pegasus_. I was one of the officers she took with her."

Dee's brow furrowed. "How old are you?" she asked.

Hoshi looked down at her like she was crazy, but answered anyway. "I'm thirty-nine."

Dee did the math. "So you've served on the _Pegasus_ for seventeen years, you were close to Cain, and you're still a lieutenant?"

"No."

"What, you're not a lieutenant?"

"No, I didn't serve on the _Pegasus_ for seventeen years. This is it, right?" Hoshi asked, and Dee sensed that he was deliberately cutting off their conversation.

They entered the crowded mess hall, and Dee groaned inwardly. But to her relief, Noel was waving at them from a table of pilots. They got their food and both joined him. Dee would have liked to have gone somewhere else, but the other tables were packed full.

"Move over, Shark," Noel demanded as they approached. "Bridge bunnies need to sit, too."

"That's all bridge bunnies do," Shark said, but he scooted over so half the chair was free. Dee didn't even bother to glare at him, she just sat.

"Won't be here long anyway," she said.

"You guys look exhausted," Noel agreed, and then turned his attention back to the pilots. "You were saying?" he asked Thumper.

"So anyway," Thumper leaned forward, "Crellins told me that he went to get help from him. See if they could get the Cylons to let at least the kids out of detention, right? And he said he'd do something, but the guy frakking did nothing. They found seventeen kids dead in detention."

"Come on," Shark said. "Who stops and counts dead kids in the middle of a rescue op? And who says he didn't try? Maybe he did, and the Cylons just didn't listen."

"Yeah, well, all I know is that Crellins is not the only one who says it. Starbuck's already had a bit to say about how he didn't lift a finger to get her out of prison, and Tigh and Tyrol both say the guy just sat there on _Colonial One_ and let the Cylons do whatever the frak they want. Which I'd get if he was just a civilian, but he wasn't."

"But he was on _Galactica_," Tiger said scornfully. Dee finally realized who they were talking about and opened her mouth to argue. But Noel leaned over and changed the subject.

"Louis, have you heard?"

"If it doesn't have to do with the communications system, no," Hoshi said, not looking up from his food.

"I saw Jess."

The use of a name rather than a callsign or surname was unusual for Noel. Both Dee and Hoshi looked up, and Noel's face was grim. Shark looked serious, too, and the other pilots at the table fell silent.

"What happened?" Hoshi asked.

"Both she and Cole got taken prisoner early on. Not really surprising, given that they were former military. Jess got out a couple weeks ago. She still doesn't know why they released her- she said an Eight just came to her one day and said, okay, you're out. But they didn't release Cole."

"That doesn't mean anything," Hoshi said. "Shark just said Starbuck was in prison the whole time, and she's back on the _Galactica_."

"It's been over eighteen hours, and Jess still hasn't found him."

Hoshi sighed. "Shit."

"He could be injured," Dee suggested. "The communications between ships aren't up and going well yet. It might be-"

Noel drained his drink and thunked it down. "Maybe," he said, but his voice was rough with doubt. He stood up, taking his dishes with him. "I've got to fly CAP. I'll see you all later."

Dee put her fork down, but Hoshi kept eating, albeit mechanically. "I'm sorry," she finally said.

"Don't bother. We don't know anything for sure yet," he said, spearing a piece of meat with more savagery than necessary.

_We don't know anything for sure._ Dee thought of Felix standing by the Raptor in his suit and completely uninjured, and sighed. "Right," she said, and they finished their meal in silence.

***

If Dee thought she would escape Hoshi, she was wrong. She showed him where the officer's head was, but by the time they made it there it was clear that Hoshi was about to fall over, and Dee didn't trust him to find his way to the rack afterwards. And when they arrived back at the racks, the room was so crowded it was hard to move.

"There's one rack open," Kelly informed them. "And there's no room to sleep on the floors."

"What about the other quarters?" Dee asked tiredly. Kelly shook his head. Dee glanced at her watch. "Got any way for us to wake up in four hours?" Kelly wrote a time on a piece of tape and stuck it above the rack. She looked at Hoshi, and without a word he began stripping down to his tanks and underwear. With a heavy sigh, Dee did the same.

She climbed into the rack first, wedging herself as tightly against the wall as she could manage. Hoshi climbed in after her and pulled the privacy curtain. He settled down, his back against hers, doing his best to come in contact with her as little as possible.

"The Commander isn't going to punch my face in if he catches us, is he?" Hoshi asked dryly, and it took Dee a moment to realize he was making a joke.

"He's more likely to assume we knocked each other out and someone dumped us here." Dee yawned, trying to get comfortable on the tiny corner of pillow that she'd claimed. She lay silently for a moment, and the words came out before she could stop them.

"I'm sorry about Stinger," she said quietly. "I know he might still be alive, but…"

"It sure doesn't look that way," he finished, and in the warm darkness of the rack, his voice sounded different. Softer, somehow. "I'm sorry about Gaeta. I know he's not dead, but it looks like he might as well be."

"Yeah," Dee said quietly. "But there's probably an explanation."

Neither of them said another word.

***

"Lieutenants."

Dee looked up and sat frozen in surprise. Colonel Tigh stood above her, shaved, hair trimmed, patch over his missing eye and in uniform. She began to smile. "Sir… I…"

"Don't get all sentimental on me, Lieutenant," Tigh said, giving her the barest hint of a smile. He looked down at the floor, where Hoshi had scooted out from under the console. "Mr. Hoshi. Where are we?"

"We got the auxiliary program up and running for in-ship communications, sir, but it's got some glitches that make things more difficult."

"Well, let's get it fixed."

"Yes, sir."

Tigh nodded at them both and headed down to the floor of the CIC. Dee watched him wonderingly as Hoshi slid back under the desk. He tinkered with it for a while, as Dee tried to program a patch into the computer. She was certain it was what the system needed… but only a part of it, apparently.

"Okay, give it a try," Hoshi ordered.

Dee hit the power, and the computer came back online. But as it went through its reboot, the screen turned blue and an error message came up again. "No good," she groaned, rubbing her neck. "We've got to get our hands on a new circuit board."

"Apparently that's not going to happen any time soon." Hoshi scooted out from under the console, a scowl on his face. "Unless you can tell me who the frak on this bucket of bolts hoards the computer equipment."

"Because that's exactly the kind of thing I'd know any more, having been on the _Pegasus_ for the past eight months," Dee shot back. "I don't know, and no one is telling. So get the frak up and help me-"

"The Cylons found us, Mr. Agathon. Your friend Gaeta was on the welcoming committee." Tigh's voice carried over the CIC, cutting Dee off. Dee looked over, and she saw Felix standing in the middle of the CIC, still in his suit as Tigh loomed over him. "Hey!" Tigh shouted. "Look at me! Long as you're here, maybe you can help me out. I'm missing something. I lost it in detention. Since you're so buddy-buddy with the Cylons, maybe you know where it is? How 'bout it? Do you know where my eye is?" Felix looked away, his expression guilty as hell.

"Saul!" Dee and Hoshi both snapped to attention as the Admiral entered, but he was entirely focused on the tableau on the CIC floor.

"Admiral," Tigh said.

"Back to work," Adama ordered the CIC.

Hoshi whistled through his teeth. "Well, that settles that."

Dee cringed. "It does not. XO or not, Tigh's just one man. He doesn't know everything that went on down there."

"Yeah, but superior officers don't exactly attack the officers they command in the middle of the CIC without reason," Hoshi pointed out. "Especially ones they worked closely with."

"Yeah, well, Tigh spent more time these past few years drunk than sober."

"Well, that was a quick sell out," Hoshi said, raising an eyebrow. "I thought the _Galactica_ crew was supposed to be so loyal to each other."

"At least our Commander didn't shoot his XO in the head," Dee snapped.

Hoshi's face clouded over, and for a moment Dee thought he might slap her again. But instead he just swore and pushed back under the console. He did, however, manage to kick her hard in the shin as he did so.

"Lieutenant," a quiet voice said, and Dee looked up in shock to see Felix standing over her. He still looked shaken, but he didn't offer a defense. All he said was, "Hel- Captain Agathon sent me over to help you and Lieutenant Hoshi get communications online."

And there he was, right there in front of her. Dee knew that what she should do was jump up and hug him, and just be grateful he was alive and in one piece. Failing that, she should smile, and as they worked, gently prod the story out of him. Get the information. Find out the truth. Felix would tell her.

But Hoshi had a point. The sight of Tigh was fresh in front of her, and the image of Easy looking for Stinger. Seventeen dead children, no matter how ludicrous that sounded, wasn't an easy thing to forget. And there was evidence there, in the fact that Felix's suit was unpatched, his hands weren't ragged and filthy, and he didn't seem to have a scratch on him.

And when she looked at him, he didn't meet her eyes. That bothered her more than anything.

She pursed her lips. "Thank you, Mr. Gaeta," she said, and he nodded, accepting that she wasn't ready to talk about it yet.

From under the console, Hoshi didn't say a word.

***

"Don't peek," Lee said.

"I don't see how I can, with your hands over my eyes," Dee laughed. Lee guided her forward, and she held onto his hands until he took them away.

"Ta-da!" he said, with a bit of a flourish. "Your new home," he said, sweeping her up into his arms. "And I believe that it's traditional for the man to carry the woman over the threshold."

"In what tradition?" Dee asked, but she was laughing, too. Inwardly, she marveled at the change in Lee. It had only been two days and she wouldn't call him _happy_, but his stride had a new purpose and confidence was creeping back into his stance, and he was _trying_. He set her down and she looked around. "These are nice quarters," she said, with a little surprise.

"Yeah, well. I'm not Commander anymore, nothing to command," Lee admitted ruefully, "so I suppose they thought this might ease the blow a bit."

"I'm not complaining." Dee noticed that Lee had managed to find their hastily packed bags, as well. She sighed happily. "If nothing else, just the escape…."

Lee smiled. "CIC is a little tense these days?"

Dee groaned. "I just got off shift trying to fix the systems with Gaeta and Hoshi. If any one of us could speak civilly to the others it would help."

Lee looked at her with concern. "I thought you and Felix-" he began.

Dee shook her head. "Everyone's saying he collaborated, Lee."

"And you believed them? _You?_"

"I don't know what I believe," Dee admitted, sitting down on the bed. "I know I should talk to him, but it's too soon. I didn't realize I'd be this angry about it until I actually saw him. He stayed Chief of Staff, Lee. And that's his own admission."

Lee sat down beside her, running his hand through his hair. "Wow," he said. "Well, worst case he'll go on trial, and the whole story will come out. What's Hoshi say?"

Dee sighed. "Hoshi's about ready to push him out the airlock himself."

"Still no word on Stinger?"

"Noel ran into Tory Foster on the hangar bay and she showed him the first manifests. He's not on there." Lee cringed. "It's almost certain he's dead."

"He was a good pilot," Lee said. "And a good leader." They sat in silence for a long moment. Then Lee patted her knee. "It will all come out, Dee," he said.

"I know," Dee said. She just wished that she had the patience and the courage to ask.

***

"Where the frak is Gaeta?" Hoshi demanded. "It doesn't take that long to go down to the hangar bay and see about dials and coils."

Dee looked at her watch. "He's been gone for over two hours," she agreed. It wasn't like Felix at all.

"Well, we can't get any farther without a new TRL switch and a new capacitor."

"I'll go see if I can get them," Dee volunteered.

"Yeah, well, don't get lost," Hoshi scowled.

"See if you can get the PCOM program back online," Dee ordered.

Hoshi looked at her curiously. "You do know you're not XO anymore, right?"

Dee stared at him. "I'm just telling you what I was doing," she finally snapped. "Get over yourself." She shook her head and stalked out the door.

But the truth was, she realized as she walked down the crowded corridors, she _hadn't_ really thought about that fact. There was so little time to think about anything, and her own rank and place in the military structure had been as far down the list as what she should do with free time or what the weather had been like back on Sagittaron. But Hoshi was right; she was no longer XO, just Lieutenant Dualla.

She was startled out of her thoughts by the sound of someone crying. She glanced towards the sound automatically, and then stopped, vaguely recognizing the woman. Seelix, her mind supplied, a deckhand that had mustered out and settled on New Caprica, was wedged in between a few crates, as close to privacy as one could get right now on _Galactica_.

"Are you all right?" Dee asked, expecting Seelix to wave her on.

"No, frak it. That's why I'm sitting here crying," Seelix said. She wiped her nose with her hand, and then looked at Dee again. "Dee?"

"Yeah," Dee said uncertainly.

Seelix sniffled and wiped furiously at her nose again, this time with her sleeve. "You're good friends with Gaeta, right?"

Dee's blood ran cold with fear. "I… yes. We've been friends for a long time."

Seelix struggled to her feet. "We need to talk."

***

"So you've told Cottle already?" Dee said.

"Yeah," Seelix said, leaning back on her hands. They were sitting on boxes in a storage locker, and Dee imagined that Hoshi was going to blow his top that she still hadn't returned, but this story was important. "He said he'd find Gaeta."

"Does Felix need that much medical attention?" Dee asked, alarmed.

"I doubt it. Starbuck kicked him and she was wearing steel-toed boots, but he walked out of the airlock okay." Seelix sighed. "But I knew Cottle would believe me. No one else is going to trust him right now. Not until the story gets around, and even then-"

"People should believe it," Dee said sharply.

Seelix looked at her. "You'd think that. And maybe those of you who were cozied up here on battlestars will. But those of us who were on the ground, living with the Cylon boots on our throats and watching him do their bidding every day…. Believe me, it's easier to believe what we accused him of." Seelix swallowed and rushed on. "It's easier to have someone to blame."

"Well, what happens now?" Dee asked.

Seelix shrugged. "Tigh said he was going to talk to Adama, and I think Tyrol was going with him. Cottle went looking for Gaeta. And the others… I don't know." She looked at Dee. "I'm sorry."

Dee bit her lip. "I'm not the one you need to apologize to," she said finally. "I'm just the one who cozied up on a battlestar."

"I didn't mean you," Seelix insisted.

"I know," Dee said, although she had. "I'm on duty. I really need to get back to work," she said firmly, and Seelix nodded. She slid off the box and turned back around. "You let him go," she told Seelix, because it was the only comfort she could give and still be truthful. "After you knew what he did, you let him go."

"I know," Seelix said, and she sighed. "And I guess that's what will help me live with it, huh?"

"Guess so."

***

"Where the frak have you been?" Hoshi demanded as soon as Dee walked in. "Is there some giant monster lurking outside the CIC waiting to eat anyone who steps out the door?"

"Frak off, Hoshi," Dee said. She extended the parts. "Here's the switch and here's the capacitor."

He snatched them from her hands. "I don't suppose you saw Gaeta as you were wandering the halls."

"I'm here."

Dee turned, and saw Felix standing awkwardly by the console. It was a testament to how familiar a sight he was in the CIC that she didn't realize that he was wearing his uniform immediately.

Hoshi did, however. His eyes raked Felix up and down, from head to foot. "It took you three hours to get a uniform?" he demanded.

"No." Felix was pale, and Dee noticed his hands were shaking. She wanted to reach out and take one, but they were on the CIC floor.

"Lieutenant Dualla," Adama said, coming over and Dee snapped to attention. "Are communications back online?"

"We got the parts we needed, sir. If we're right, communications should be back online in a few minutes."

"Good." Adama looked at her and then Hoshi, and then clapped Felix on the shoulder. It was a brief, perfunctory gesture, but the meaning of it was clearly not lost on Hoshi, whose eyes widened. Felix flushed and looked straight ahead, not meeting anyone's eyes. "As soon as you get communications online, we need more help on getting nav back on." Adama told Hoshi.

"Aye, sir," Hoshi said, and Adama walked off to the center of the CIC.

Hoshi and Dee both looked at Felix, who didn't say a word. Finally, Hoshi sighed. "Well, then, let's get this station operational. Gaeta, would you hand me that set of pliers, please?"

"Right away," Felix said, and Dee began to breathe again.

***

"Felix."

Felix flinched as she spoke. It wasn't obvious- not a big gesture or a large cower, but Dee knew him well enough to see it. But he turned around, and when he did she had to swallow hard, because his face had that smooth, impenetrable professional veneer she'd seen him present others with time and time again. "Lieutenant," he said.

_I'm sorry,_ Dee wanted to say, but the words just wouldn't come out. _I should have said more. I should have asked more._ But all she managed was, "I'll see you tomorrow."

Felix smiled thinly. "I hope so," he said.

***

"Is everything okay?" Lee asked Dee as she undressed for bed.

"Yeah. I'm just… worried," Dee admitted.

"Can't say I blame you," Lee said, sitting on their bed. "Have you heard what _President_ Zarek's been doing?" he asked, his voice mocking on the title. "That's what happened to Jammer," Lee said bitterly. "And the captain of the _Monarch_ found evidence that it happened to someone over there, too. A Lisa Chadwick. He called the Admiral in on it."

Dee sighed. "It almost happened to Felix, too," she told Lee. "But it turned out he was an inside source for the Resistance."

"Really? Gaeta was?" Lee sounded impressed at that, like he hadn't expected it. "Glad they found out in time," he said. Dee nodded, and Lee laid back on the bed, arms behind his head. "It's not going to be easy getting the ships integrated," he said. "We've got all these warring factions. The _Galactica_ crew, the _Pegasus_ crew, the people who were on the ground and originally from _Galactica_, the people who were on the ground and originally from _Pegasus_… you know, I'd almost welcome a Cylon attack."

"Easier to deal with?" Dee laughed.

"No, a common enemy," Lee said seriously. "If the crew doesn't get something else to fight, they may very well end up fighting each other."

"You're exaggerating."

"Maybe." But Lee didn't look like he believed it.

***

"So I guess we're going to hold a wake," Noel said, and his voice lacked any of its normal humor. "It's been five days. The final manifests have been posted, and he's not on any of the ships." He looked down at his plate.

"How's Easy doing?" Thumper asked.

"She's flying," Noel said. "I think it's the only thing that's keeping her together right now. Shark's got her flying with him."

"That's good," Tiger agreed.

"Got room for one more?" Showboat was balancing a plate and a glass, and looking exhausted.

"I can move over," Dee volunteered. "Share my chair." She glanced around the mess hall. It was still crowded, although the schedule was starting to settle so that people were able to spread meals out a little better.

"What's Jess got to say about the funeral?" Tiger asked.

"He was Gemonese," Noel sighed. "He wanted something fairly traditional."

The pilots began to discuss it, and for a moment Dee tuned out, looking around. Lee was right, she noticed. The _Pegasus_ crews were sitting together, and the people from the _Galactica_ were clustered at their own tables. And even within that, it _was_ broken down by those who had settled on the planet and those who had remained on the ship. Not as a hard and fast rule, but definitely as a generality.

To her surprise, however, she saw Hoshi sitting at the next table, essentially by himself. Three deckhands were eating on the other side, clustered together and having an enthusiastic conversation that he was clearly not a part of. She was about to comment on it to Noel when Felix walked in.

Schedules had meant she hadn't eaten the same time as Felix had the past two days, so she wasn't quite expecting the volume in conversation to still drop. Word of what Felix had done on New Caprica had gotten around the ship, but Dee noticed that Seelix was right: people still treated him like they'd believed he'd sold them all into their deaths. He balanced his bowl, glancing around casually for a seat.

Hoshi waved to him, half standing, and the volume of conversation dropped a little bit more.

Felix looked around uncomfortably for a moment, and then walked over. Like a radio being turned up, everything in the room returned to normal. But Dee found herself straining to hear exactly what Hoshi was going to say to Felix.

At first she didn't understand their conversation. Partly because she couldn't hear, but partly because what she could hear was computer talk. Dee knew computers, but the two of them went beyond that. Felix kept himself angled away slightly, and although Hoshi got him talking, the distant, professional tone still had a hold on his voice. For his part, Hoshi looked casual, but deliberately so. It was an interesting performance, and one Dee realized she'd never seen from him.

She noticed Narcho was watching them, too. His brow was furrowed and his face was dark, but when Dee raised her eyebrows questioningly, he just shook his head.

The room began to empty out, and Dee continued to half-listen to the conversation about Stinger's funeral and half-listen to Hoshi and Felix talk technobabble. She managed to get a seat closer to them when Tiger left, and now it was very easy to hear them… just nothing worth hearing. She was about to get up when she saw Hoshi lean in. Felix leaned back slightly, but Hoshi put a hand on his arm.

"Listen," he said, his voice low, "I just wanted to apologize for the way I've treated you since you got on this ship. I should have at least asked to hear your side of the story, and I didn't. I just went ahead and assumed. I'm sorry."

Felix's eyes widened, and Dee knew from his expression that no one had said anything like this to him yet. Gods knew she herself hadn't, and the guilt twisted her insides. He nodded stiffly. "Thanks," he said. Then he pulled himself together. "Seriously, thank you. I… I appreciate it."

Hoshi smiled, and released Felix's arm and extended his hand. "I don't think I've ever mentioned it, but my name's Louis."

Felix smiled. "Mine's Felix."

Dee looked away.

***

"And so, with our thoughts and love, Cole Robert Taylor, we send your spirit into the universe. So say we all."

"So say we all."

"May the Gods look down on you with grace, and may they walk with you."

"And also with you." It was an addition not often used in Colonial Fleet funerals, but Dee had heard it many times on Sagittaron. She noticed that many of the mourners, including Lee and Noel, who were flanking her, didn't know the correct response. She also noticed that Hoshi, standing on the other side of Noel, did.

The priest raised his hands, blessing the gathering. People realized the service was over and began to move towards the exit, stopping to comfort Jess, who was standing in her dress grays. Hoshi reached her before Dee did. He saluted her formally, and then to Dee's mild surprise, hugged her.

"I'm so sorry," Dee heard him say softly, in a voice more compassionate than she'd ever suspected him of having. "He was a good man, and a good friend. I was proud to have fought with him, and I know the Admiral was proud of him, too. She always was." Jess hugged him back fiercely.

"Damn it," Noel swore, "I have got to stop letting him go in front of me in funerals. He always comes up with good stuff to say."

"See what I mean about divides?" was Lee's comment.

"Cain means more to them than the Old Man does right now," Dee whispered back. "It's a funeral, Lee."

Lee nodded, and then suddenly it was Dee's turn.

"I'm so sorry," was all she could think of to say.

Jess nodded stiffly, and Dee moved aside to let Lee pay his respects. He shook Jess's hand and said, "He was a good man, and I was very proud to have him serve under me."

Jess's expression became colder. "Thank you, sir," she said, her voice formal. She turned away before Lee moved, greeting the next mourner.

"Well, that was…" Lee began, but trailed off as they moved away.

"You've said it yourself," Noel, who had been unabashedly eavesdropping, put in. "We ran while she and Cole were stuck on that rock."

"She was fine with you and Hoshi," Lee pointed out.

"We weren't in command." Noel said it like it was obvious. "When your new life is gone, you can't hate everyone in your old one."

It all swirled together, the _Galactica_ and the _Pegasus_ and New Caprica and explosions and death, Felix and Lee and Noel and Seelix and Adama and Hoshi and Helo. And all Dee could do was nod.

***

Dee looked up from her console, looked at the clock, and looked down again. This was ridiculous. She should _not_ feel like a teenager trying to ask a crush on a date. Felix was one of her best friends, he had been since she'd been assigned to _Galactica_. She'd take a page out of Hoshi's book and just tackle it head on.

Gods, she couldn't believe she was actually following Hoshi. But then, he shouldn't have been the first one to say something kind to Felix, either. It should have been her.

As if conjured by her thoughts, Hoshi appeared at her side. "Reporting for duty," he informed her. "You're relieved."

"Thank you, Lieutenant," Dee said haughtily. She noticed he had a manual in his hands, but on closer inspection it was for the tactical station. "You think your shift's going to be slow enough for reading?" she asked. "Besides, I thought you knew it all from the _Persephone_."

"Which was seventeen years ago," Hoshi reminded her. "Frak off."

"You're really enjoying the fact I'm not your XO anymore, aren't you?" Dee asked.

"Every second," Hoshi said. "What did you _do_ to this station?" He began rearranging the equipment. Dee rolled her eyes.

"It's fine. Don't frak it up," she said. "And if Zarek calls, make sure you put him through to the Admiral right away. Adama _loves_ that."

"Ha ha. Go away. I have work to do." Hoshi opened his manual and flicked his hand. "Shoo!"

"'Shoo?'" Dee mocked. "And you were a favorite of _Cain_? Or is that your Saggitarion mother talking again?"

"Frak off, bitch."

"That sounds more like yourself." A call came in and Hoshi leapt to it, and bereft of any other procrastination, Dee turned towards the tactical station.

Felix was just standing up, stretching as Thorton relieved him. Dee went over, touching him on the arm. He flinched away, but she pretended not to notice. "Hi, Felix."

His smile started with that cool, professional look he gave others, and but kept creeping up his face and into his eyes, until it was almost as warm as she remembered. "Oh, hey Dee. What's up?"

Dee swallowed hard. "I'm sorry I haven't been around much since-"

Felix's smile cooled a few degrees as he cut in to her apology. "It's all right. We've all been busy."

"But-"

"It's all right," he insisted, with a little more steel in his voice. He started out of the CIC, but the way he shortened his stride made it obvious he assumed she'd be walking with him. "One of these days everything will settle back down to normal. Better sooner than later."

Dee nodded, picking up the thinly veiled message clearly. "Lee's going to be on duty tonight," she told Felix. "He's flying CAP. Do you want to stop by for a glass of wine?"

"All right." Felix nodded, and then turned toward the hangar deck. "I've got a meeting with Zarek over on _Colonial One_. I'll see you tonight."

"With Zarek? Felix, should you-"

"It will be fine," he said, and there was no patience in his voice. "I'll see you tonight," he repeated.

Dee watched him walk away. "Felix?" she called, right before he stepped through the hatch.

He turned around. His posture was military straight, but Dee suddenly saw how he was holding himself that way consciously, even though it was a part of him. He was barely holding it together, she realized, and the words _be careful_ died on her lips. She looked at him standing in the hatch, framed by the light of the hangar bay behind him, and forced a smile.

"I like your hair long," she said. "It looks good like that."

He nodded to her, smiled, and closed the door behind him.  



	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee's got a secret, and she's not the only one.

Blood. Dee sighed, staring at it, and then hitched her pants up. Great. She grabbed her cup out of the pocket of her BDUs and was out of the head in minutes, swearing to herself. She rejoined Noel where he was sitting in a corner of the hangar bay, playing with a few pieces of metal.

"I know I've said it a million times in the past month," Noel sighed, "but I really miss my motorcycle."

"I know," Dee said mournfully. "I do, too." Which was only a fraction of the truth. What she really missed was this time with Noel, sitting and talking and creating something, just the two of them. But she was seeing less of Noel these days, with the full roster of pilots training and the Cylons an immediate threat again, and her own duties and husband keeping her busy.

Noel sifted through the broken metal pieces and selected one. "You sound like you're in a good mood."

"My period just started," she admitted. Noel winced. "What was that about?" Dee demanded.

Noel considered her, and then shrugged. "I'm going to go with the safe answer and say 'periods are gross, eww, girl stuff.'" Dee glared at him and he sighed. "I still think you're nuts. Have you thought about the fact that it's not like New Caprica, and we're on the run again?"

"Yeah. I'm not stupid." Dee drew her knees up and rested her cheek on them, watching Noel play with the metal. "What are you making, anyway?" she asked.

"You'll see," Noel said with a glint in his eye. "Although I won't finish it tonight. You know," he continued, concentrating very hard on the screwdriver he was using, "if you're worried that he's going to cheat on you with… someone, a baby probably won't stop him. He knows cheating is wrong already. It doesn't work like that."

"I know," Dee said, thinking of Billy and trying not to throw up. "Believe me, I know."

Noel put down his work and met her eyes. "Yeah," he sighed, "I do, too."

***

"Dee, are you going on duty now?" Felix asked.

"No, Sian's on. Why?"

"Good. We need a fourth for triad. Come on."

"All right. Who else is playing?"

"Hoshi and Helo."

Dee decided she could put up with Hoshi for the tradeoff of Helo and Felix, and nodded. "Sure, I'll join in."

"Great."

Helo and Hoshi were sitting at a table in the corner of the rec room, a bottle of clear liquid between them, Hoshi laughing at something Helo was saying. They looked up as she and Felix joined them, Helo brightening and Hoshi becoming a little more guarded.

"Hey, Dee," Helo said. "Can I pour you a drink?"

The one advantage of not being pregnant was that Dee could say, "Sure," without any guilt. She sat down and Felix shuffled and began dealing. "Where's Sharon?"

"She's on shuttle duty," Helo said proudly. "By the way, you might want to be gentle with that husband of yours tonight. I beat him into submission pretty good."

"You're doing a good job of it," Felix commented. "When you're done with Lee, you could always move on. Start a business. Get a few more guys ripped."

"In the interest of the Fleet, of course," Hoshi agreed innocently.

"Right," Felix said, nodding. "Better fitness means better response times and better readiness for Cylon attacks."

Helo stared at them. "You two think you're being subtle, but you're not."

"Not at all," Hoshi said, taking a sip of whatever was in that bottle. "But we live in the CIC. Sorry, I know you guys respect them, but Tigh and Adama just don't figure in as eye candy."

Dee couldn't help giggling at that, until Felix grinned wryly. "Especially with Tigh drunk off his ass most of the time," he said bitterly. He and Hoshi exchanged meaningful glances, and Hoshi touched his arm. Dee wondered what exactly Hoshi knew about the Circle. The thought that he might know something made her unexpectedly angry, because although Felix knew she was aware of it, he'd never actually told her about it.

Helo cleared his throat. "Are we going to play or what?" he asked.

"You're right," Dee said, with an element of forced cheerfulness. "Let's play."

On the surface, the game seemed completely ordinary. But Dee couldn't help noticing that Felix directed a lot of his remarks to Hoshi, and Hoshi seemed to find the majority of them funny. And that his laughter bolstered Felix, putting confidence in his eyes that Dee hadn't seen since New Caprica. She also noticed that they left together when they were done playing, although it was only to discuss the jump protocol in greater depth.

"Ten cubits says that they're together in a month," Helo offered as he and Dee sat alone at the table.

"No way," Dee said, even though she suspected he was right. "Hoshi's not Felix's type."

"No," Helo agreed, "he's actually a decent guy. Gods, do you remember that Viper pilot Felix had a thing for… what was his name? Gunner?"

Dee looked at Helo. "Hoshi's a bastard, too" she pointed out.

"I keep forgetting that you two don't get along," Helo said. "He's really a good guy, Dee."

"It sounds like you know him well," Dee said suspiciously.

Helo shrugged. "I've seen him around the card tables and the CIC. And he and Felix have been becoming close fast."

"So I gathered," Dee said sourly.

"It's good for Felix," Helo reminded her. "He doesn't exactly have many friends aboard the _Galactica_ since New Caprica."

"I know," Dee said. Helo had a way of looking at her that made her feel guilty for even thinking like this. "I just don't want to see Felix get hurt. Not so soon after the Cir… after everything he's been through."

Helo shrugged. "I'm not saying it's all going to be hearts and flowers and love forever between them," he said, "but I'm betting if they get together and it doesn't work out, it will be for normal reasons. Not because Felix has yet again managed to find some frak who will completely wring him dry."

Dee decided that Helo wasn't seeing her point, and arguing it any more would make her look like a petulant child. "You're right," she agreed, "I do have a blind spot where Hoshi's concerned." She bit her lip. "Hey, can I ask you a personal question?"

Helo shrugged. "Sure."

"Have you and Sharon thought about trying for another child?"

If it wasn't Helo, Dee never would have had the guts to ask- not after what he and Sharon had been through already. But Helo studied her carefully before answering, and she suspected he guessed her true motive in asking. "We've been trying," he finally confessed. "It just hasn't happened yet."

"What about the fact it is so dangerous now?" Dee asked.

Helo shrugged. "The way I look at it, that's all the more reason to have a child. If something happens to her, I want to be able to have something of her to hold on to forever. It's hard, yeah, but it's… it's hope, too. And everyone needs that."

"But life in the Fleet-"

"It's not easy," Helo agreed. "But even back on Caprica… there are always risks. I read somewhere that deciding to have kids is like walking forever with your heart outside your body. Having lost a child, I'd say yeah, that's true. But even in the little time I had her…" Helo smiled sadly. "I'd risk all this just to have that happiness again. And so would Sharon."

Dee nodded and stared hard at the table. "Thanks," she said, blinking her eyes rapidly. She got her face composed and then looked up at him. "Shall we play another hand?"

Helo smiled at her. "Sure," he said, sliding the cards to her, "but you deal. I can't shuffle for shit."

***

"You look tired," Dee said when Lee came in that night.

"I'm always tired these days," Lee admitted. He smiled at her, that careless smile that she'd fallen head over heels for. "Helo wears me out."

"You look good," Dee admitted, sitting up on the bed.

Lee gave a small chuckle. "I wasn't sure if you noticed."

"Of course I noticed," Dee said, standing up and coming over to put her arms around his neck. "But I love you no matter what you look like."

"Mmm, is that so?" Lee asked. He picked her up and set her on the table, wrapping her legs around his waist. He smiled again. "We fit together better."

"Doesn't matter," Dee insisted. The truth was she _did_ notice, but the timing was right and she was determined, and the last thing she wanted to do was put Lee off. "You always fit with me."

They eventually found their way to the bed, and afterwards Dee lay in the circle of Lee's arms, buoyed and happy. "I feel like everything's settling down," Dee said cheerfully. "The CIC's almost back to normal."

"Come whip the Air Group into shape then," Lee groaned. He propped up on an elbow. "After what you did to the _Pegasus_ crew, I'll bet that you could. Do you know that between you and Major Shaw, there are hulking men from the _Pegasus_ that now cry when a small, dark-haired woman speaks sharply to them?"

"Stop," Dee said, picking up a pillow and hitting Lee with it.

"It's true," Lee insisted, even if his voice was muffled by the pillow. "You've struck fear into their hearts." He pushed the pillow aside and grabbed Dee's arms, pulling her on top of him. "You," he said, and punctuated his words with kisses, "did great. You _do_ great."

She'd completely understood Helo's words earlier, but as she looked into Lee's smiling face, they came back to her with a power that made her soul tremble. _This_ was why she wanted a baby… so she could feel this happiness forever.

She kissed him again.

***

Dee wasn't joking when she'd said the CIC was almost back to normal, and life on _Galactica_ fell into a sort of daily rhythm, interrupted by the occasional Cylon skirmish or jump. There was a small sensation when the _Outlander_ developed FTL trouble and a nasty training accident that left two Raptor pilots wounded, but those were balanced out by one of the chemists figuring out a new process for an artificial sweetener and the birth of a set of twins. And two weeks after he'd begun it, Noel finished his invention.

"So, what exactly is this little project of yours?" Dee asked.

"Come on," Noel said. "We need a hallway."

"This isn't going to get me in trouble, is it?" Dee asked suspiciously.

"Nah. If it blows up, it will only be a small explosion," Noel said. He opened his bag and pulled out a little metal… car, Dee guessed, made out of scrap metal and bits of rubber. Noel had painted it red, and although it resembled no vehicle she'd ever seen, it _did_ have four wheels, and a remote control.

"Watch," Noel said gleefully, pushing a button on the control.

The little car-thing began to zoom down the hall.

"No way!" Dee laughed. "How did you get Chief to give you parts for this?"

"Well," Noel sighed, "I have to hand it over to his kid afterwards."

"You're kidding."

"Not really. I told him what I wanted to do, and that if he'd let me just have the stuff to work with, just to keep my hands in until we find Earth, then I'd give anything I made to the kids. Do you have any idea how much life _sucks_ if you're a kid in this Fleet?"

"This isn't starting with the baby thing again, is it?" Dee began.

"Didn't say that, but if you want to draw your own inferences, be my guest," Noel said. He zoomed the car further down the hall. "Look at the range I've got on this thing!"

Dee was about to answer when they heard laughter from behind them. She turned, smiling automatically. Felix and Hoshi were walking down the hall together. They were very close, the backs of their hands brushing against each other, and when they got closer, Dee noticed that Hoshi's lips were very red and Felix's cheeks had the telltale glow of a person who had been kissing someone with stubble. They saw Dee and stopped, Hoshi cutting off mid-laugh.

"Hey, Dee," Felix greeted her, but he didn't seem like he wanted to pause. The little red car came zooming up, circling around Felix's feet and then around Hoshi's. Hoshi looked down.

"You're kidding," he said, looking at Noel. Noel was standing, watching, an unreadable expression on his face as he worked the remote control. "Do you mind?" Hoshi asked, looking back at Felix. "I'll only be a minute."

"Go ahead," Felix said, pulling Dee over out of the hall.

"You look happy," Dee commented.

Felix flushed, but the expression on his face was entirely too smug. "Yeah, well," he said, and then winked. "I haven't had fun having sex since Skulls, and that ended before Founder's Day." He leered at her. "And believe me, I think this is going to be fun."

"Ew. I don't need to know that," Dee said, shoving him. "You haven't had sex since Skulls?"

"No, I said I haven't had _fun_ having sex." But Felix's smile cooled a notch. Dee suddenly realized just how rare Felix's smiles had been since New Caprica, and backtracked.

"Think you can get him away from Noel's new toy?"

"Sure. Believe me, there are any number of suggestions I can give him that will pry him away immediately." The light returned to Felix's smile, and his eyes lingered on Hoshi. "In fact, I think I'll go do so." He winked at her, and then walked over and whispered something in Hoshi's ear. Hoshi's eyes widened, and he smiled that smile that lit up his entire face and transformed him completely.

"Here," he told Noel, handing him the remote. "I'll see you later."

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do," Noel shouted after them. "Not that that limits you much."

Dee looked at Noel curiously as he watched them go, especially as Hoshi's fingers threaded through Felix's. "You okay?" she asked him.

"What? Yeah. Oh, yeah, sure," he said, and then narrowed his eyes. "I don't know much about Gaeta," he said, "except for what I've heard around the ship. Not much on him. Is he a good guy?"

"Yes," Dee said emphatically. She watched them go. "And he's had enough to deal with. Hoshi'd better not hurt him."

Noel snorted. "Like I have any control over that?"

"He hurt you," Dee ventured.

"No," Noel said, "he threw me out on my ass after I hurt him. Come on, Dee, don't you know me well enough by now to figure out _I_ was the asshole in that relationship?"

Dee shrugged, but she had to admit she wasn't shocked. "What did you do?"

"Cheated," Noel said briefly, and then picked up his car. "Come on. Let's give this little baby a full test run."

Dee looked down the hallway where Felix and Hoshi had disappeared one more time, and then put on a bright smile and nodded.

***

Dee wiped her face on her towel and then stepped into the officer's lockers. The hot steam of showers felt good on her sore muscles, even before she got in. She was absolutely exhausted, despite the fact she'd only run half as far as she normally did. She stepped into the shower and let the water run over her. She was almost done when she heard it.

Someone was humming.

It wasn't extremely tuneful, but it was someone being _happy_. Ever since the Exodus two months ago, that wasn't a sound that Dee heard often. She smiled and turned off the water.

When she stepped out, she saw the culprit; Hoshi was standing at the sinks in his tanks and his duty blues pants, hair still wet from the shower, shaving.

"You're in a good mood," Dee said, pulling on her clothing.

Hoshi smiled evilly. "Well, I have reason to be."

"Yeah, I know. Have you and Felix gotten out of bed for the past two days?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Not really." Dee began to pull a comb through her wet hair.

Hoshi smirked, and then recoiled. "Frak!" He glared down at his razor, and then at the place where blood was welling on his chin. "Frakking piece of… wish we could get some new razors." He wiped at the cut. "By the way," he said after Dee had finished combing out her hair, "you left the scrambler on when you left yesterday."

"I did not," Dee said. "I didn't even send a scrambled call."

"It was on."

"It was not!"

"Frak it!" Hoshi shouted, and Dee jumped back in surprise. He glared into the mirror, still applying pressure to his chin. "Would you admit for two seconds I actually know my job?"

"Only if you admit that I know mine!"

"I never said you didn't!"

"Oh, _sleeping her way into the XO position_ doesn't ring a bell?"

Hoshi glared at her. "I just said you left the scrambler on. That's all."

The door banged open, and a pair of pilots entered the room. Dee pulled her hair into a ponytail and buttoned her jacket. "Whatever," she said crossly. "Don't be late this time relieving me. The only reason I covered for you yesterday was because Felix was late, too."

"Whatever," Hoshi mimicked.

Dee glared at him one more time, and then stomped out the hatch. She had duty. The last thing she saw was Hoshi leaning over the mirror, still trying to get his chin to stop bleeding.

***

Six hours later, Dee stared at the calendar, her heart pounding as she tapped a pen against the tactical manual that Hoshi had left at their station. She couldn't remember the date her last period had started, and her current one was either due in two days or two days late, or somewhere in between. She chewed her lip, desperately trying to remember.

"Dee."

Dee looked up from her station, eyes wide with surprise. Hoshi almost always called her Dualla or Lieutenant. "What?" she asked.

"I have a favor to ask." Hoshi shifted uncomfortably. "Will you cover my shift tomorrow?"

"Why?"

Hoshi glanced down towards the CIC floor. "I'd rather not say."

Dee sighed. "I'm not working a double just so you can get back on the same schedule as Felix."

She expected a retort. She didn't get one. Hoshi just looked at her, his eyes wide. "Please," was all he said. "I've got a bottle of wine that I've been saving that-"

"All right," Dee sighed. "If it means that much, I'll do it for nothing. But only because it will make Felix happy."

"Thanks," he said, and leaned over to pick up the manual he'd left.

"There's something on your collar," Dee said, only noticing it because of the proximity and the light.

"Yeah, I know," Hoshi said. "It's blood. Thanks again, Dee. I'll see you later."

Dee watched him go. Then she turned back to her station and her calendar. This was driving her crazy, and she really wanted to know if she was pregnant or not. She'd better call Cottle, just in case.

***

She couldn't call Cottle right away, because there was the matter of the Cylon prisoners and the virus that offered hope for all of humanity. Her period still didn't appear, but Dee couldn't be sure if it was due to a baby or to the crushing disappointment that so many of them felt at losing this chance to be free of the Cylon threat once and for all.

Keeping a secret was pure torture, but given the situation Dee wanted to wait and be sure before she told anyone, and then Lee deserved to be the first to know. Aside from the he's-the-father part of it all, Dee didn't trust news like that not to circulate the battlestar in seconds flat. And once she was able to call him, Cottle said that given her uncertainty about her start dates, she had to wait three more days in order to ensure an accurate test.

But there was one person she felt comfortable telling, and he was sitting in the mess hall alone when Dee entered. Felix still ate alone a lot, although Dee noticed that Helo and Sharon, newly christened Athena, would occasionally sit with him, and so would Hot Dog and even more occasionally Racetrack. She grabbed her food and made her way over to join him.

And as soon as she did and he looked up at her, Dee knew she wasn't going to mention it.

"What's wrong?" she asked, sitting down beside him.

Felix shrugged. "Nothing's wrong. Why?"

"Just… you look… is it Hoshi?"

Felix looked down at his plate and toyed with the food. "Yes and no," he admitted, and then sighed. "Yeah, that's not happening right now."

"What? You two have both been walking around with stupid dopey grins the past few days…" she trailed off, because that had been a few days ago. "What happened?"

"Nothing like you think," Felix said.

"Are you still interested?"

"Yeah, I am. And so's he. But some stuff came up, and… well, we've both got some things to work out."

"Like what?"

Felix looked around, and then leaned in. "Look, Lee might have already told you this, or you might have heard, but I don't think the Admiral wants the whole Fleet to know, okay? Baltar's still alive."

"Oh. _Oh._ Is he-"

"He's on the Cylon baseship, which, good riddance. I hope they get bored with him and flush him out an airlock or something." Felix's face was extremely hard. "But even just hearing that, just _knowing_ that he's out there…" He trailed off and shrugged.

"Felix," Dee said, taking a deep breath because this was the question she'd wanted to ask for the past two months but didn't have the guts to ask, "what happened between you and Gaius Baltar on New Caprica?"

Felix laughed hollowly. "Got a couple hours?" he said.

"Yeah, I do." He looked at her, and saw that she was serious. "Come on," Dee suggested. "Let's eat in my quarters."

Felix hesitated, and then picked up his plate. "All right," he said. "But you asked for it."

***

Three hours later, their food was cold and untouched on their plates, and they'd made it through almost an entire bottle of whiskey. Well, Felix had- Dee had only had one drink. But she wished she could drink more.

"Would you change it?" Dee asked. "If you could?"

"Of course," Felix said scornfully. "Gods, if I could go back and never report that Roslin rigged that frakking election…" he stared mournfully at his drink.

"That's not what I mean, and you know it."

"I know. I don't know, Dee. I've always known it was a bad idea." Felix sighed. "I didn't think I'd care what it cost."

"Well, what about Hoshi?" Dee asked.

Felix looked at the table, tracing a ring of condensation with his fingers. "If it was just sex, I'd go for it and let it run its course," he admitted. "But the thing is, Dee, I really like him. I don't want to frak this up by rushing into it." He smiled helplessly. "And he-"

The door opened, and both Felix and Dee turned to see Lee coming in.

"Hey, Dee," he said, dropping a quick kiss on her forehead. "Hey Gaeta. Are you getting my wife drunk and making advances at her?"

"No, sir, but I can if you order me to." Felix lurched to his feet, swayed for a moment, and then steadied. Lee watched him in fascination.

"I'm almost tempted to, just to see what you'd do," he said. "But I think better orders would be sober up before you go on duty."

"Yes, sir," Felix said. He saluted, and then patted Dee on the head. "See you later," he said, stumbling out of the room.

Lee watched him go. "I have never, ever seen him get that drunk," he told Dee. "What happened?"

Dee sighed. "I hear Baltar is playing house with the Cylons, rather than being dead like he should be."

"Don't change the subject."

"I'm not."

Lee's brow furrowed, and then the light came on. "Oh. Oh!" He exhaled, looking back at where Felix had left. "Something tells me I really don't want to know."

"Probably not."

"Are you as drunk as he is?"

"Not at all. I only had one." Dee cocked her head. She was about to tell him that she was going for the test tomorrow, but Lee rubbed his face. "Something the matter?" she asked instead.

"If you're counseling people through whatever the frak is going on in their heads, would you mind taking a shot at Narcho?"

"Noel? What happened?"

"Botched three landings today and tangled with Hot Dog. I've _never_ seen him fly so badly, and Gods forbid that the Cylons attack before he pulls it together. He'd be dead in minutes. What's going on with him?"

"I don't know," Dee admitted. "But everyone's upset about the whole thing with the Cylon virus falling through. It might be that. Listen, there's something-" she began, but Lee overrode her.

"I finally get Kara sorted out and she's back to herself… it's like I've got a quota," Lee complained. "Maybe it's in the job description somewhere. _Must have one half-crazy, suicidal pilot at all times._ Talk to him, will you, Dee?"

"I can try," Dee said. "But I won't guarantee he's going to tell me what's going on."

"I don't care what's going on. Just help him get his head back in the game, will you?"

Dee felt a small smile creep towards her lips. "You sound like your father."

"Oh, frak! That reminds me…" He glanced at his watch. "I'm late. Don't finish that without me."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Dee said as the door shut behind him. She poured herself a glass of water and sipped it. So much for telling Lee tonight.

***

She found Noel in the weight room the next day, pounding into the heavy bag. But as soon as he saw her come in, he shook his head.

"Don't even try it, Dee."

"Don't even try what?"

"I'm not going to talk." The ferocity of his punches increased. "Tell Apollo that I just need a day or two to get my head out of my ass, and then I'll be flying fine again."

"And if the Cylons attack in that day or two?"

"That's my problem, not his."

"It's his if we lose your Viper."

"Well, then he'd better hope the Cylons don't attack in the next day or two."

Dee nodded and lay down on the mat. She hooked her feet under the bar and began to do some sit-ups. She waited until she was at fifty before she said, "I hear Felix and Hoshi aren't…" she hesitated, because she didn't know the word. She was certain a few sexual encounters didn't qualify as _together_.

"Louis," Noel said.

"What?"

"For frak's sake, Dee, his name is Louis. If you're going to call Gaeta _Felix_, you could call Hoshi _Louis_ in the same sentence."

"You're arguing semantics with me?" Dee asked, pausing in her exercise.

"I'm just saying. Gods, do you have any idea how frakking annoying it is to listen to you two snipe at each other all the time?"

"Wow, you really are in a good mood, aren't you?"

Narcho hit the bag particularly hard. "No. I'm in a lousy mood. But that doesn't change what I'm saying."

"Fine. But that doesn't answer the question." Dee started her sit-ups back up.

"Wasn't aware there was a question to be answered."

"I said that Felix and _Louis_ aren't, well, they aren't…"

"Yeah, I know that." He stopped and stilled the bag, studying her. "What, you thought that was what was bothering me? Dee, how many times do I have to tell you it's _over_ with me and Louis?"

"I didn't say that was what was bothering you!" Dee protested, although it _was_ exactly what she meant to imply. "I was just making conversation."

"Well, make it about something else."

"I think I'm pregnant," Dee said, the words rushing out of her before she could stop them.

Noel froze. "Great," he said sarcastically. "That's just great, Dee. Great timing. We just lose any chance we've got of wiping out the Cylon threat forever, humanity is _still_ on the run from genocidal robots, you're vital to the ship's operation, and you think _now_ is the time to get yourself knocked up?"

"You've known I was trying," Dee shot back, "not that it's your business."

"And you've known I think it's a stupid idea," Noel snapped, "and you made it my business when you told me. Frak, Dee! And with everything else that's going on-"

"What everything else that's going on?" Dee demanded, sitting up.

Noel blanched. "Nothing," he said. "Just you can't be taking days off and running to the head puking while you've got such huge responsibilities."

"You don't have a high estimation of pregnant women, do you?" Dee flared. "Hasn't it occurred to you that I can have a baby and do my job? I'm not the only Communications Officer on this ship. And as _everyone_ insists on reminding me, Hoshi's incredibly good at his job."

"Yeah, well, Hoshi's occupied," Noel said.

"A relationship doesn't mean a damn thing. If frakking someone means that a person can't do their job, this Fleet is in serious trouble."

Noel punched the bag. "Damn it, Dee, it's just not a good idea! Especially when we both know that half the reason you want this is because you're afraid he's going to run off with that Starbuck bitch all of _Galactica_ seems to worship, and damn it, that's the worst reason for wanting a baby that I ever heard!"

"That is not it!" Dee yelled. "Lee and I are married, Noel. That's what married people do- they have babies!"

"Then why doesn't Lee know you're trying? Huh? If this was some frakking normal thing, like you're calling it, Lee would know about it, too. But you don't want to tell him because you're afraid that he won't be into it and then he'll go off and leave you and you won't have any frakking way to stop him, even though if he does that you should just push him out the airlock and be glad to be see the backside of him."

"Harsh words from someone who admitted he cheated on his own lover," Dee said.

Noel thrust his chin out. "Doesn't mean they're not true." He wiped his forehead on his arm and took a drink from his water bottle. "I'm going to hit the showers before I say something I really regret. See you later," he said, and stomped off.

Dee sighed, and then checked her watch. She had ten minutes before she had her appointment down on medical bay.

***

"Well," Ishay said, smiling widely, "congratulations, Lieutenant Dualla. You're pregnant."

Dee almost jumped off the table and hugged her with delight. "Thank you," she said. "Any idea how far along?"

"About six weeks," Ishay said. "We usually recommend that you don't tell anyone that doesn't need to know before twelve weeks. The chance of miscarriage drops significantly after the first trimester." She hesitated. "I see from your file that you're Sagittaron…"

"That won't be a problem," Dee assured her. "That's where I'm from, not what I believe. This baby's getting exactly what it needs."

"Okay, then." Ishay's smile widened. "You know, I assume, to avoid alcohol in excess, although a drink every now and then is fine. Keep hydrated, clear any medications through us first, and watch the caffeine. No stims, no matter what. You might want to let Adama know just in case…" her smile widened, "but I assume he was on your list of people to tell anyway, with this being his grandchild."

The image of handing Adama his first grandchild hit her hard, and Dee found herself tearing up. She imagined him holding the baby, and as the baby got older, carrying it around _Galactica_, chest out and a smile across his face. She wiped at her eyes and laughed. "Sorry," she told Ishay. "Pregnancy hormones."

Ishay joined her laughter, and then reached out and hugged her. "It's not often we get to give such good news," she said happily as Dee slid off the examination table. "As long as everything proceeds as it should, come back in three weeks for an ultrasound. But if you have any questions at all, please stop in." She patted Dee on the belly. "We want to take extra good care of this little guy or girl." They both giggled again, and Dee nearly floated out of the infirmary.

"Can you hold the hatch?" someone asked, and Dee turned around to see Hoshi. He looked tired and drawn, and when he saw her, his expression only soured. "You look way too happy." He cocked his head and studied her. "Congratulations," he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"You know?" Dee asked.

"There's only one reason a woman glows on the way out of the sick bay," Hoshi said crossly. "It's not rocket science."

Dee bit her lip. "Don't tell anyone yet," she said. "It's still early."

"Like anyone would care," Hoshi said. He tried to pick up his pace, but Dee noticed that something stopped him, and judging by the look on his face he was in pain.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

"Fine. I was just visiting a friend."

"A friend."

"A friend. Have you seen the duty roster yet?"

"Yeah. I'm on next shift. You're on the one after that."

"Good. I'm going to get some rack time." He stumbled off.

"Good riddance," Dee said quietly as he retreated. She had better things to think about, like how she was going to tell Lee.

For the first time, she wondered what Lee's reaction would be. Before this, she had always just assumed it would be happiness. Now that it was real and she was really pregnant, she wondered if that would truly be the case. But even if it wasn't initially, she told herself, he'd come around to it quickly enough.

But how to tell him? And when? Dee bit her lip, trying to imagine scenarios. Like Ishay said, it wasn't often _anyone_ on this ship got to deliver good news, and Dee wanted to be sure it was exactly right.

***

She was waiting with dinner on the table when Lee came in. There were linens and candles on the table, and Dee was wearing one of her nicest dresses. He stopped and took in the scene, raising his eyebrows. "Wow. What's all this?"

"I just thought it would be nice to have a nice dinner," Dee said. "There's not much I can do about the food, but the ambience can be adjusted."

"I'll say." Lee smiled, but it had an obedient, expected air to it. He sat down, and Dee decided that she wasn't going to jump off into the baby conversation immediately. "It smells good."

Dee smiled, and for a while they just ate in silence. She wondered why it was so hard to say anything, much less give him this news.

"Did you talk to Narcho?" Lee asked her.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah." Dee shook her head. "He wouldn't say what's going on. But it might have to do with the virus failing."

"I still can't believe it," Lee said, warming up to the conversation. "We finally have a chance to wipe out the Cylon threat, and then it's snatched from us like _that_." He snapped. "I wish Dad would order an investigation, but…"

"You know why he won't," Dee sighed. "If he officially found out who did this…."

"Yeah. Exactly." Lee sighed. "I know Helo called it genocide, but is genocide warranted when it's to prevent another genocide?"

It was a good question, and one that Dee knew would lead to a night-long debate. And while she cherished the closeness and the equality in their conversation, a debate on the merits of genocide was not a time to tell him about a new baby.

She'd wait for a better time and a better place.

***

Dee sat at her console, installing a patch that Felix had written to help keep the wireless traffic organized. Tonight. She'd arranged another dinner. After all, it wasn't that the setting was problematic; this time she'd just tell him before genocide could come up as a conversational topic. She was imagining Lee's reaction when a voice startled her out of her thoughts. "Lieutenant."

Dee looked up from the comm with one finger up to indicate she was in the middle of something, and nearly spit out what she wasn't drinking. She finished typing in a flurry, and then it burst out of her. "What's with the buzz cut? This isn't basic training."

Hoshi self-consciously ran a hand over his newly cropped hair. "I wanted a change," he said.

"What's scary is it's an improvement," Dee said. Hoshi's haircut had been horrible at best, so pretty much _anything_ was an improvement, even the inch or so of hair he'd left. And with his bluntly cut bangs gone, Dee suddenly noticed that he had very large eyes with extremely long, thick lashes. "By the way, Zarek's been calling. Adama wants him held off as long as possible."

"Aye, sir," Hoshi said automatically.

"I just installed that patch that Lieutenant Gaeta wrote. Let him know if there are any problems."

"Aye, sir."

"Are you okay?" She realized something. "You haven't been on shift in a few days, have you?"

"I'm fine. Did the gain dial get fixed?"

"Yes."

"Good. You're relieved, Lieutenant."

Dee looked at him one more time, shook her head, and then headed out of the CIC.

"Dee." Lee was waiting for her, and he caught her by the arm. "I'm really sorry," he began, "but I'm going to have to back out of dinner tonight."

"What? Why?"

"We got some recon about a tylium supply in an asteroid field nearby. They need a military escort. It will take a few days."

"Can't someone else do it?" Dee asked.

Lee shrugged. "I told Helo I'd give them a hand. I am CAG, after all. I can't ask my guys to do anything I wouldn't do myself."

"No." Dee nodded. "No, that makes sense." She brushed at the shoulder of his uniform. "Go ahead, Major Adama," she said, standing on her toes and giving him a kiss.

"You sure I'm not in trouble?" Lee asked.

"Orders are orders," Dee said lightly, despite the fact he'd given himself this set. But after all, she told herself, there was no way he could know what she'd meant to tell him that night. "Go. You're not in trouble."

"Thanks." Lee kissed her again, and smiled before he left.

Dee sighed, watching him go. This was getting ridiculous. She was seven weeks pregnant, and he still didn't have a clue.

***

The nice thing about Lee being gone was that Dee had the bed to herself. She took full advantage of the fact, but she must have slept on her shoulder wrong, because the next day it ached all through her shift.

"Dee."

Dee rubbed her shoulder looked up to see Petty Officer Sian standing in front of her. "Hey Amy. What's up?"

"I'm relieving you," Sian said.

"I thought Hoshi was on after me."

Sian shrugged. "Adama told me to take this shift."

Dee rotated her shoulder again, trying to get rid of the nagging pain. "Okay, thanks," she said. "It's all yours." She stood up and made her way out of the CIC.

To her surprise, Noel was waiting outside the CIC. "Lieutenant," he said stiffly. "May I talk to you?" Dee nodded. "I was wondering," Noel continued, "if you'd have dinner with me. I really wanted to talk about some of the things I said, many of which were uncalled for."

Dee felt like hugging him, and smiled widely. "Of course, Lieutenant," she said, and she took the arm that Noel held out. "I'd be delighted to join you. But if you could just wait a minute, I just came off duty.'

"Say no more," Noel said, stepping aside.

Dee ducked into the nearest head. One of the problems of pregnancy, she'd discovered, aside from nausea and exhaustion, was the fact that she constantly had to _pee._ Making it through a shift was torture.

But when she sat down and saw the drops of blood on her underwear, constant urination didn't seem like torture at all.

For a long moment, all she could do was stare. She didn't remember finishing up or washing or hands or leaving the head, just drifting down the hall, only two words ringing through her head.

_My baby…_

"Dee?" Noel said, and judging by the alarm in his voice she must look terrible, "what's wrong?"

Dee took a deep breath. "I am pregnant," she admitted, "and there's blood."

Noel's face went completely serious. He grabbed her by the arm and yanked her into the nearest set of racks. "Call sickbay," he said, shoving the phone at her. "Call them right now." He punched the numbers in for her.

He stood by her side as she explained the symptoms to Cottle, half wanting to downplay the situation so he'd tell her nothing was wrong, and at the same time wanting to bring out the worst so he'd take it seriously.

"It could be nothing, it could be something," Cottle finally said. "The symptoms you're describing are pretty common in perfectly healthy pregnancies. And if it's not a healthy pregnancy… well, there won't be much we can do at this stage. But if you start seeing bright red blood or having a lot of pain, get down here right away."

"Yes, sir. Thank you." She listened to a few more instructions, and then hung up.

"Well?" Noel said.

"He's not sure of anything," Dee said. "It could be nothing, it could be something."

"Wow. Um."

"You don't have to say it," Dee said, rolling her eyes. "I know you're not exactly approving of this whole idea." Noel went silent, and Dee realized she'd offended him. "What?" she asked.

"If you think I'd wish a miscarriage on you, you don't know me very well at all," he said stiffly.

Dee rubbed her face. "I'm sorry."

"Does Lee know yet?"

"No. It hasn't been the right moment to tell him. And he's still out on that tylium mining mission doing guard duty."

Noel was biting his tongue. "Well, like Cottle said, it might be nothing. Don't worry too much yet, okay? I'm sure it will be fine."

She nodded, and he gently pushed her out of the room. "Come on," he said. "I still owe you that dinner. It _will_ be fine, Dee. Don't worry about it until you know."

Right, Dee thought. Absolutely fine.

***

She didn't sleep well that night, convinced every time she felt any sort of twinge that it meant she was losing the baby. She kept getting up to check just how much blood she was passing, and she couldn't get comfortable on her shoulder. And when she did finally drift off, she fell into a deep enough sleep that she was almost late for her shift.

She had two hours left in her shift when she ducked out to use the head. The blood was heavier now, but still brown, and although her back ached, she'd been sitting for six hours. She firmly told herself she was okay, but as she walked back into the CIC, she began to feel a sharp pain. For a moment she thought it was a stitch, but the pain intensified to the point where she had to double over, clutching at her abdomen.

"Dee," she heard a voice from far away. "Are you okay?"

She looked up to see Felix standing over her. "I'm… not okay," she gasped, trying to stand up and not quite managing.

"Okay. Let's get you to sickbay," Felix said. "Can you walk?" The spasm was easing, and Dee nodded. "Come on," Felix said, looping his arm around her waist. "We'd better go."

Their progress was long and slow, with Dee having to stop twice because of intense cramps. And the entire time, Felix was staring at her, bewildered, not quite sure what was happening. She noticed he didn't ask, and she was grateful.

"What's going on?" Cottle demanded as soon as they entered.

"She's got some sort of abdominal pain," Felix explained. Dee looked up at Cottle, who immediately beckoned for a nurse.

"Is Major Adama around?" he asked.

"He's still on a mission, sir," Felix answered.

"You might want to get him back and get him in here."

"No," Dee said, because she couldn't face Lee right now. "Not until we… no. Felix, can you stay?"

"I'm on duty, Dee. Let me go and I'll get through to Lee and-"

"No!" Dee doubled over again and Cottle began manhandling her onto the bed. "Please, Felix, you stay. At least until I know-"

"You're going to be fine, Dee," Felix said, his brow furrowed in confusion. "Doc Cottle will take good care of you, and I'll come check on you when I'm off." The bed was moving now, and Felix wasn't.

"I'll stay with her," Dee heard someone volunteer.

"You should be-"

"I can hold her hand, Felix. Go. Get back to the CIC. I'll stay with her."

"Okay."

There was a hand then, warm and steady on hers, with long fingers closing around. "Hang on to me," a voice said in her ear. "I'm here."

In the time that had taken, Dee found her uniform off and her tanks pushed up, and Cottle was running something smooth and cold over her abdomen. "Frak. It's ectopic." The hand tightened on hers, and Dee squeezed back. Cottle's face appeared over her. "I'm sorry, Dee." He studied the ultrasound screen again. "Ishay, zoom in on that right there. That mass."

The picture was grainy and blobby; it made no sense at all to Dee. But all she could think was that was the baby who would never be, and she looked away.

A curtain was pulled around her bed, with a strange dotted pattern. She studied it for a moment, Cottle and Ishay arguing in low tones in the background. It had an air of unreality to it, and she closed her eyes. The hand on hers tightened again, and it dawned on her that she had no idea who it belonged to.

When she looked up, she was surprised to see Hoshi sitting by her. He smiled grimly, and squeezed her hand again. "Just hang on," he whispered.

Cottle's face appeared in her vision again. "Dee," he said gruffly, and she faced him as bravely as she could, "the pregnancy is ectopic. You know what that means, right?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"That in itself would be reason enough to consider surgery. But we're also seeing a large mass on your fallopian tube that is very likely a paraovarian cyst. Most of the time these are benign, but coupled with the ectopic pregnancy, I think it's best if we go in there and resolve both problems at once. Understand?"

Dee nodded.

"We're going to get you prepped. You're far enough along and experiencing bleeding already; I don't want to take the chance that you'll hemorrhage."

Dee nodded again. Cottle glanced at Ishay, and Ishay injected something into Dee's arm. A warm, heavy feeling spread over her almost immediately.

"Do you want me to stay?" Hoshi asked her softly.

She looked up at him. He was wearing tanks and sweats, and had a tube hooked to his arm. "Do I need a blood transfusion?" she asked him.

"What?"

"Your arm. Are you giving me blood?"

"We gave her a sedative already," Cottle explained, far above her. "It will only be fifteen minutes before she's ready, and then I want your ass back in your bed, Lieutenant."

"Aye, sir."

"Don't 'aye, sir' me. Just do it."

"Hoshi," Dee was floating, clinging only to the solidity that was Hoshi's hand as people moved over her. "You don't even like me. Why are you here?"

"Because I know what it's like to fight something alone." His other hand covered their joined hands. "I know you can handle it. But you don't have to."

"I'm not alone," she began to say, but her mouth felt heavy. Whatever Cottle had given her was working fast. Instead, she just kept her hand in his and closed her eyes.  



	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets have to come out sometime.

  
Dee woke up. Her head was swollen and sore, and her mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton. Not a good feeling. The world began to resolve a little more clearly, hearing coming back first.

"It's okay," someone said, and she could have sworn it was Felix's voice. "You all done? Whoops, guess not."

Unfortunately, the next thing she heard was the sound of vomiting. It wasn't her… she was fairly certain of that. She decided to pry her eyes open. When she did, Lee, not Felix, was sitting there, waiting. And she remembered where she was, and why she was here, and wished she was the one vomiting, because it seemed like a good idea now.

"Hey," Lee said, reaching out and taking her hand. "Welcome back."

That helped a little. "Hey," she said. "You're home."

"Yeah." He nodded, and she saw his eyes were tearing over. "I am." He glanced out of the little curtained cubicle. "Cottle told me what happened."

"Oh." Dee's heart twisted and she started to look away, but Lee cupped her cheek.

"I'm so sorry, Dee. I'm so sorry I wasn't here when you needed me."

Dee closed her eyes. "It wasn't your fault," she whispered, and it was true, it really wasn't. Even though he'd volunteered for that guard duty, if he'd known, he would have been back in a heartbeat. Dee knew that. She knew she should apologize for not letting Felix try to call him home, but the words wouldn't come. Lee's forehead was against hers, his fingers tight around her hand, but it didn't help.

Eventually, Lee drew away, but his fingers were still entwined with hers. "Cottle said," he began, and Dee could see just how much every word of this was hurting him, "Cottle said it was an ectopic pregnancy?" Dee nodded, and Lee exhaled heavily. "How far along?" he asked. "When did you find out? Was it…" he shook his head, his voice cutting off as tears choked his throat.

"A little over seven weeks," Dee answered. Her voice was clinical and cool. "I've wanted to tell you, but the right moment just never came up." She was careful not to sound accusing, because it really wasn't his fault. "I thought I'd have more time."

Lee wiped at his eyes with his free hand, nodding. "And the cyst?"

"Cyst?" Dee vaguely remembered Cottle saying something like that, but she couldn't remember the details. She shook her head. "I don't know anything about that."

Lee's hand tightened around hers. The gentle constriction made her remember the frantic, agonizing moments when she'd entered the sickbay, and Hoshi. She looked around, but there was nothing to see but the curtains of her own cubicle. She looked back at Lee.

"Lee?" she asked. "Was Hoshi here before I had surgery?"

"Hoshi?" Lee looked at her blankly. "I don't know, Dee. I got in after you were out of the surgery. But I-"

Lee was cut off by the curtain being parted, and Doc Cottle entering. "Good, you're awake," he said. "How are you feeling?"

"All right," Dee said cautiously.

"Well, that won't last long," Cottle said. He checked the machines and jotted down some numbers. "You've got a narcotic in your IV at the moment, but when that runs out, no more. We'll be able to give you some pain killers orally, but you're going to be stiff and sore for a few days." He pulled back the sheet and pulled up Dee's gown. "The good news is that we were able to resolve the ectopic pregnancy and remove the cyst."

"You mentioned it might be cancerous?" Lee asked.

"There's a small possibility, yes," Cottle allowed. "We're doing a biopsy, which will take another twenty four hours. But the majority of these sorts of cysts are benign, so I wouldn't lose too much sleep over that yet." Lee nodded. "More serious is the pregnancy. We had to do a salpingostomy, where we only removed the ectopic tissue and the cyst itself. As far as I can tell, it all looks okay. But we still want to keep a very close eye on you after this."

"What about future pregnancies?" Lee asked. Dee swallowed hard at that thought.

"There are risks, but nothing certain. When you're ready to try again, come talk to me and we'll do a thorough exam and discuss it then."

Lee nodded, like it was all very factual and dry. "And what happens now?"

"Now? It should take a couple hours to recover from the anesthesia. Since the procedure was lacroscopic, she'll be able to be on her feet today. However," Cottle said, and his bushy white brows met in the center of his forehead, "on your feet doesn't mean 'ready for duty', as half this crew seems to think it does. You need rest, and you need sleep," he ordered Dee. "I'm not in desperate need for your bed, so we'll keep you in here for the next forty eight hours, just to keep you off your feet. After that, we'll monitor your hGC levels to make sure they return to zero, and then we'll go from there. The physical recovery is relatively straightforward. And if you need help with the emotional recovery, we can work on setting something up." He stood back up.

Lee stood up as well, extending his hand. "Thank you, Doc," he said, shaking Cottle's hand firmly. Dee was silent, but Cottle didn't seem to expect her to speak. He nodded once more and then left, leaving them alone again.

"Well," Lee said, "that sounded like it was all good news." But Dee knew him well enough to know there was a false brightness in his voice. "I-"

"Dee? Oh, I'm sorry, Major."

Lee cut off and turned to see Felix poking his head in. "Hey, Gaeta," he said stiffly.

Felix realized he was interrupting. "I need to get back to my lab, but I just wanted to see how Dee was doing."

"I'm fine," Dee told him. "Cottle was just in here, all sweetness and light."

Felix snorted his disbelief. "Do they know what was wrong?"

"Paraovarian cyst," Dee said simply.

"Oh." He looked from Dee to Lee and then back again, and then smiled perfunctorily. "Well, I'll see you later, then." With a quick salute at Lee, he ducked back out.

"You didn't tell him about the pregnancy," Lee said.

"Now, or earlier?"

"Both."

Dee shook her head. Lee sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I assume my father doesn't know," he said.

"Of course not." Dee bit her lip.

"He wants to know if it's all right to visit," Lee said. She hesitated, because the idea of the Admiral coming here seemed… not right. Lee saw her hesitation. "He doesn't have to," he said hastily. "I'll make something up, keep him away for a while if you want."

"No," Dee said. "It's all right." She forced a smile. "I'll have to see him sometime, right?"

Lee patted her hand. "You look tired," he said. "Should I let you rest?"

"Stay," Dee begged. "At least until I fall asleep."

"I can do that." Lee's fingers laced through hers again, and comforted by their gentle pressure, Dee drifted back to sleep.

***

When she woke up again, Lee was gone and she felt considerably worse. Her head was pounding, her mouth was dry, and her abdomen was sore. It took her a moment to remember where she was and why she was here, and when she did, that cold sense of unreality flooded her again.

It was only a few minutes before Ishay came in. "How are you doing, Lieutenant?" she asked.

"Not so good," Dee admitted.

Ishay checked her watch. "We can give you some more pain meds in an hour," she said. "I imagine you really need the head."

Dee nodded, and Ishay came over and helped her sit up. "We'll do that, and then do your vitals," she said, "and then you can have some dinner."

"I'm not really hungry," Dee said.

"I imagine not, but that's okay, you're not getting real food," Ishay said with a smile. "Come on." She helped Dee to a sitting position, and then out of the bed. Walking was painful, but Ishay was firm. Once they were back to Dee's bed, Ishay said, "You also have a visitor, if you want one."

"Really?" Dee looked around the room. "Felix or Noel?"

"Neither. Louis Hoshi."

"Hoshi?"

"Do you not want to see him? I can tell him you need more rest."

Dee thought about it for a moment. "No," she said. "It's all right."

Ishay helped her sit in a chair, and took a few measurements. "I'll go get your dinner," she said as she left.

Dee eased herself back. The pain in her abdomen wasn't bad as long as she sat still, and her head was even starting to feel a little better. And when Ishay returned with a tray with a pitcher of water on it, Dee almost kissed her, even if Hoshi was close in tow.

She'd glimpsed him before the surgery, but his appearance hadn't really registered. Now that her mind was clearer, it did. He was wearing his tanks and a pair of sweatpants, and had an IV pole that he was pushing. He looked like he hadn't shaved in a week, and surprisingly, that flattered him. He smiled sheepishly at her as she stared at where the IV fed into his arm.

"I am so frakked, aren't I, sir?" he asked her, his smile twisting from sheepish to sardonic.

She snorted, recognizing what was essentially the first non-duty related words he'd ever spoken to her. "I guess so," she said.

"I won't stay long," he said, "but do you mind if I sit?"

"If you want," Dee said.

"Fifteen minutes, Louis," Ishay said. "And you can eat with Dee."

"I'm not-"

"It's broth. I want it gone, do you understand me? Don't give it to anyone else, don't switch your cup with another patient, and if I catch you dumping it into the head this time, so help me I'll tell Cottle that you took apart another heart monitor." But despite her stern tone, a smile toyed at the edge of Ishay's lips.

"I'll be good," he promised. "I'm really sorry," he said.

"Well, at least I got you to think about wasting food like that. I'll be back in fifteen minutes." Ishay moved on to another patient.

Dee took a sip of water. The cool, clear liquid was pure relief, and she drank thirstily. Hoshi watched her, fiddling with his spoon.

"I'm sorry," he finally said when Dee put the empty cup down and picked up her own spoon. "About the baby, I mean."

Dee didn't answer. Instead, she took a spoonful of the broth. It smelled and tasted extremely good, despite the fact it was several steps removed from any natural animal. "Are you going to eat yours?" she finally asked.

Hoshi looked down at his cup and wrinkled his nose. "It sounds like it, although I have absolutely no desire to. Everything I've eaten today has only come back up."

Dee looked at the IV again. She could spot the drug name on the bag, but cytarabine/daunorubicine meant nothing to her, and she couldn't think how to ask. Hoshi saw her looking, and sighed.

"Will you promise not to tell anyone?"

Dee nodded.

"Acute myeloid leukemia," he said. "Stage two."

"Oh. I'm sorry. How long-"

"Diagnosed nine days ago," Hoshi answered. He put the spoon down and just picked up the cup, sipping the broth. He winced. "I'll be done this round of chemo in a day. I appreciate it if you don't tell anyone. _Anyone._"

"It's not something to be ashamed of," Dee said.

"Of course not. But if people know I have cancer, they treat me like I'm dying."

"Well, it's cancer," Dee said.

"Exactly. I'm sick, not dying." Hoshi shrugged. "Cancer isn't incurable. I'll do my chemo, get better, have my life back for a few years, and then do it again." His voice was factual. "No need to make it into something more than it is."

There was something about his tone that brooked no argument, and Dee nodded, and then went back to her broth. "Does the Admiral know?"

"The Admiral, the Colonel, Felix and Noel, and now you. Probably Helo. That's it." Hoshi took another sip of his broth, and put it down very deliberately. "And what about you? Who knows you're in here?"

"Lee, you. Noel will probably figure it out, and I think the Admiral will as well. Felix. Probably Helo." She frowned, noticing suddenly that their lists were nearly identical. How had that happened? "If you could also…"

"Of course." He sat back in his chair. "I'm not quite sure of what I wanted to say," he admitted. "I just…" he grimaced, and shifted uncomfortably and paled. "You understood when we lost the _Pegasus_," he said in a rush. "I saw that. I guess I owed you."

"Thank you," Dee said quietly.

Hoshi stood up hastily. "I hate to leave so abruptly, but I'm going to throw up any minute, and I'd rather not do it on a post op patient. See you." He moved out of the cubicle, and less than a minute later Dee heard him vomiting. Judging by the low, reassuring voice an orderly or a nurse or doctor had caught up with him, but it seemed to go on for a long time.

Dee winced and went back to her soup. The vomiting ended, and the infirmary seemed quiet again. She focused on eating, and finished her broth just as Ishay returned.

"Is Hoshi all right?" she heard herself asking.

"He's fine," Ishay said comfortingly. "He's in bed now." She gathered the dishes together. "I see he didn't eat much." Dee shook her head. "It's been an hour," she told her. "You can have pain meds now. You might want a sleeping pill as well. Sleeping in the infirmary isn't easy."

"Thank you." Dee took the pills Ishay handed her.

"How are you doing emotionally, Dee?" Ishay asked, sitting down for a moment. "Do you need someone to talk to?"

"No, I… actually, I'm doing okay," Dee said, nodding. "I know it sounds strange, but I guess I just didn't have time to get used to the idea that I was even pregnant."

"Hmm." Ishay waited, and then nodded. "Well, if you change your mind, I'm more than willing to listen."

"Thank you."

Ishay helped her to the head and then back into bed. As she returned to her cubicle, she caught sight of the clock. It was 2200 hours. Forty eight hours ago she'd still been puzzling over how to tell Lee as he lay beside her. Twenty four hours ago she'd been laying down to sleep, worried but still happy. And six hours ago, she'd entered the infirmary for the last hour of her pregnancy. She stomped down on the thought and gratefully entered her own cubicle, easing into bed.

The pain meds helped, but the sleeping pill must have been especially powerful. Dee was asleep two minutes after her head hit the pillow.

***

Much to Dee's relief, Lee dropped off a few of her own clothes when he stopped by, so despite the fact she was confined to the infirmary, she at least didn't have to stay in the hospital gown. She was eating breakfast when Adama pushed the curtain aside, and impulsively, Dee glanced down to make sure she'd remembered to change. If nothing else, it was easier than looking at her father-in-law.

"How are you doing?" Adama asked.

"I'm all right, sir," Dee said. She shrugged, and then pulled in a deep breath as the motion tugged on her abdomen. "Sore."

"I imagine." Adama cleared his throat. They stared at each other awkwardly. "How long until you're back on your feet?" he finally asked.

"Doc says a few days," Dee answered, realizing that Adama was trying to restore some semblance of normalcy to the conversation. "I'm sorry I didn't finish my shift in CIC." She smiled awkwardly. "You're really down on officers here, aren't you?"

Adama chuckled. "You and Hoshi are going to owe Gaeta big when this is all over," he said. "I think the man is trying to do all three of your jobs at once." Adama leaned over and patted her hand. "You're not easy to replace, Dee. In fact, I'd say it's impossible."

There was such kindness in his eyes, that for the first time since she'd woken up Dee felt something in her crack. She hastily scrambled to hold it together, not wanting to break down in front of the Admiral. The last thing she wanted was for him to see her as weak, even now. Especially now. Instead, she managed a smile.

Adama returned the smile. "Cottle told me you need to walk some this morning," he said. "Would you like some company?" He extended his arm, and Dee eased herself up and took it. His arm was warm and solid, and he tucked his hands against her, squeezing one of them tightly.

"Were you ever able to sleep well in the infirmary, sir?" she asked as they began their slow progress.

He looked at her, almost amused. "Not really," he admitted. "Too much beeping, and they never turn out the lights. I take it that bothered you as well?"

"And they woke me up twice," Dee admitted. "Just to make sure I was still alive."

Adama laughed deep in his throat. As they passed, Dee managed to glance into one of the curtained off areas and caught sight of Hoshi. He was extremely pale, but he was sleeping, lying on his back, his hand up by his face. He looked younger asleep, without the stern expression that his face seemed to assume naturally. Adama followed her gaze and his good humor faded. "When you're out of here," he said simply, "I want you to help me train Specialist Gage on some of the CIC equipment."

"Yes, sir."

"Hopefully we won't need it, but I suspect that we will."

"Yes, sir."

Adama glanced at her from the corner of his eye. "Nine months from now, we would have needed another Communications Officer anyway." His hands tightened on hers again, the equivalent, Dee realized, of a hug.

And she told herself she felt nothing.

***

After Adama left, Dee sat in her chair, staring at the heart monitor that had been hooked to her during her surgery. It was dark and silent now, just waiting, measuring nothing.

Somehow, that felt poetic and appropriate.

***

The morning ticked by, each minute stretching into hours. Dee couldn't remember the last time she'd ever been this bored. Even on the _Pegasus_, there had always been something to do, even if it was just paperwork.

Cottle was right that her physical recovery wouldn't be extremely difficult. Dee had gone for two walks already around the infirmary. She was on her third when she saw Hoshi sitting up in his bed, playing both sides of a game of Cripple with a deck of cards.

"Imaginary friend?" she couldn't help asking.

He looked up, and moved his table. "Come play," he said. "_Please._"

"I'm beginning to think that Ishay wasn't joking about you taking apart a heart monitor," Dee said, sitting down into the chair that was next to Hoshi's bed.

"It was broken," Hoshi insisted. "It works fine now." He scooped the cards up and shuffled, and then deftly dealt them both a hand. "But I've got very explicit orders about leaving broken equipment _the hell alone_," he said, and Dee giggled as he lapsed into a reasonable impression of Cottle. Hoshi sighed. "I offered to help him fix anything else he's got down, or at least try."

"I'm surprised he didn't take you up on it," Dee said.

"He doesn't trust me not to pass out in the middle of the job right now," Hoshi confessed. "Maybe next week."

"I thought you said today was your last day of chemo?" Dee asked, trying to keep her tone light. She had no idea of exactly how comfortable Hoshi was discussing any of this.

"It is," he said. "Remission induction comes first, that usually takes a week. Then they'll give me a couple of weeks to recover. If I'm lucky, we go to consolidation. If I'm not, I get another round of remission induction." He drew a card, made a face and then discarded it. "I'll have an idea in a few days. Cottle mentioned I get to have a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow." He rolled his eyes. "Yay."

Dee couldn't help snickering at his dry, sarcastic tone. "I take it bone marrow biopsies aren't fun?"

Hoshi held his hands a foot and a half apart. "Swear to the Gods, the needles are this big." Dee giggled again, and he gave her a cock-eyed smile. "Sure, laugh now. But if you told me you get to have what amounts to salad tongs shoved up you tomorrow as someone pokes around inside you, I wouldn't laugh."

Dee winced at that one. "You sound like you're pretty well versed in all this."

"Yeah, well, this is my fourth go-around." She looked up in surprise, but Hoshi was studying the cards on the table, and she had the impression he was deliberately not meeting her eyes.

"It wasn't in your file," she began, and then remembered all the blocking out that Cain had done. "But then," she sighed, "nothing was in anyone's file, I guess."

"Admiral Cain downplayed it a lot for me anyway," Hoshi said. "Don't know how much you would have found."

Dee found herself wanting to ask more, but at the same time, this was _Hoshi_, the man who'd done his best to make her life a living hell for almost the entire year. And she couldn't imagine this was an easy topic to talk about. She nodded, and then turned her attention back to the game.

Neither of them said much more for two hands, talking only for what the game required. Although one of the curtains was pushed open to allow some access into the area, the other two were still shut, closing them in. It felt cozy, and Dee had the oddest feeling of wishing she could hear rain as they played.

"Want to start betting?" Hoshi asked, as they finished up the hand.

"We don't have anything to bet."

"I'll keep track," Hoshi said. "Math soothes me."

"All right."

An hour later, Dee owed Hoshi fifty six cubits. "You count cards, don't you?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said, laying down his hand. "Like I said, numbers… they keep my mind busy."

"I want to watch you and Felix play sometime."

Hoshi grinned wolfishly. "It's not pretty."

"I'm sure. That's exactly why I want to watch."

"How did you meet Felix, anyway?" Hoshi asked, picking up the cards and idly shuffling them.

"Nothing special," Dee admitted. "We were assigned to the _Galactica_ around the same time. We both work in the CIC. It's really kind of boring." She cocked her head. "I know how you met Felix, but how did you meet Noel?"

Hoshi smiled. "I was just coming back on to the _Pegasus_," he said. "I was just getting off a rotation where I was on a desk job for a year after I'd had…" he jerked his head at the IV, and Dee nodded. "Anyway, we came up at the same time. I remember watching him in the Raptor. He was the new hot shot pilot, and I really thought I didn't have a chance in hell, but for some reason he kept talking to me." Hoshi shrugged. "I hadn't ever had a lot of relationships. Between my own stellar good looks and the cancer," he grinned self-deprecatingly, "it just never really happened. But I fell hard for Noel." He shrugged. "The Admiral and Jurgen teased me about it for _months._"

"Why did it end?" Dee asked.

She could see Hoshi retreating. His smile faded, and the warmth left his eyes. "I'm sorry," she said quickly. "I didn't mean to overstep." He stared at her for a long moment, and she realized that he was surprised she had apologized.

"It's all right," he said finally. "I think we've completely exhausted Cripple. Want to play Go Fish?"

"Sounds good, because I don't think I have any more cubits for you to win off me," Dee said, taking the hint. He dealt, and she smiled brightly. "Do you have a five?"

***

_Go fish. Do you have a seven? Bitch, but good natured. Do you have a two? Go fish._

There was a rhythm to the simple child's game, steady and droning. They played on and on, with no conversation, just the game. Dee didn't mind.

She kept stealing glances at Hoshi, covertly at first and then more openly as she realized he wasn't noticing. In the year she'd worked with him, she'd never really seen him smile at her like this, and never really heard him laugh this way. It meant nothing, she told herself. When they both got out of the infirmary- provided he didn't die- it would all be back to normal. Because nothing changed in seventy two hours. Three days couldn't change two lives. Well, it could. But this wasn't the attacks and it wasn't the Cylons.

Three days didn't change anything, and she was still the same Dee she'd been before she'd entered the infirmary, just not pregnant. And really, considering how early it was, that was barely a change at all.

_Do you have a three? Go fish._

***

"Lieutenant Hoshi?" Ishay entered the little cubicle, pushing a cart. "I've got your lunch." Ishay moved around Dee and began to change the drip bag on Hoshi's IV.

"Last one," she told him, and he smiled up at her. "How are you feeling today?"

"A bit better than yesterday."

"Are you going to eat for me?"

"Not _that_ much better than yesterday."

Ishay's eyes narrowed. "Lieutenant, do we need to talk?"

Hoshi looked down at the cards, flipping them back into action. "Should I deal you in, Layne?" he asked.

Ishay sighed irritably. "Dee, I'm going to have to chase you out right now. It looks like Lieutenant Hoshi and I need to have a serious discussion. Besides, you have a visitor anyway. Your husband is here."

Dee nodded and stood up. Hoshi sullenly studied the cards in front of him. "Good luck," she told Ishay. "After working with him on the _Pegasus_, I can't imagine that he's the most cooperative patient."

Hoshi stuck his tongue out at her as she retreated, and Dee snickered.

She made her way back to her own cubicle, where Lee stood waiting for her. He looked so confident and easy in his duty blues, and he smiled at Dee's slow progress.

"You look a lot better today," he said. He gestured for her to enter the cubicle first. "Ishay left us lunch." Dee smiled up at him as she moved past him, and then sat down. Ishay had indeed left a tray, with a much thicker soup and some bread for Dee, and a proper meal for Lee. Dee sat down, staring at it for a long moment.

"Dad said you were up and walking," Lee said, sitting down across from her. He picked up his napkin and spread it neatly across his lap, like they were in a restaurant. "You're doing better today?"

"Aside from owing Hoshi an insane number of cubits I don't have, I'm doing all right," Dee said. "Cottle's been giving me pain meds, and I'm walking fine."

"That's good. You look… good." He chewed slowly, and held his silverware formally. "But how are you really doing?"

Dee blinked. "I just told you I'm doing all right. I wasn't lying."

"Not that way," Lee said, staring down at his plate and stabbing his food with a little more force than necessary. "I mean, with the baby."

Dee swallowed, and studied Lee closely. His eyes were fixed on his food, but his hand shook slightly and there was a set about his shoulders that Dee recognized. He was worried, he was sad, he was uncertain of what to say and how to handle the situation. She remembered that downward spiral on the _Pegasus._ Whatever she did, she couldn't let Lee go there again. She took a deep breath.

"I'm doing all right," she said. "I only knew for a week or so, and it's not like we were trying." Lee nodded. "I hadn't really even adjusted to the idea I was pregnant, and now…" she looked back down at her food. "I guess I'm handling it okay." Lee smiled, but his smile was off. Dee had seen it before, when he was faced with a problem he couldn't figure out. "How are you doing?" she asked him.

"Well, like you said, I hadn't really adjusted to it. I only found out you were pregnant when you weren't anymore." He smiled again to take the sting from his words. "I wish…." He drifted off, looking away at something outside their little cubicle, and then shook his head. "You know, we'll be able to try again, and do you realize our baby could be born on Earth?"

Dee's throat closed, and she nodded.

Lee chuckled. "Can you imagine that? I mean, I have no idea of what Earth will be like, but our baby being able to see the sky and breathe fresh air and never, ever have to set foot on a space ship if he or she doesn't want to. And we'll be able to give him or her… I don't even know. But more than we can give them now." His hand was by his chin, and his eyes were wet. Dee watched him, her heart breaking. For a long moment, the cubicle felt tiny and warm and intimate. Lee picked up her hand, holding it to his face, and met her eyes.

And then something happened. Something in her face, something in her posture… _something_ in _her_ made him pull away. That open grief and hope retreated from his face, and he was once again strong, heroic Apollo. "I'm sorry, Dee. I shouldn't be putting you through this. You're the one who's still trying to recuperate, and I… I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she said, a little baffled.

He wiped at his eyes and sniffed, sealing up the facade. "I suppose, in many ways, it's for the best," he said lamely. "We can't… never mind."

_It's for the best._ She acknowledged the words as good, common sense. Because if it was for the best she could… she didn't have to…. If it was for the best there was no grief, no regret, no heartbreak. If it was for the best she could be strong.

"You're right," she heard herself saying. "Maybe it's for the best."

He smiled at her, and his smile was full of pride. But the closeness had evaporated a little, and somehow, even though _it's for the best_ seemed like the right thing to say, Dee knew it couldn't be more wrong.

***

She was sitting alone on her bed, wondering if the baby had been a boy or a girl, when Cottle came in. "I have some good news," he said. "The cyst was benign."

Dee nodded. "It's funny, isn't it?" she said abstractly. "I keep forgetting that there even was one."

Cottle studied her. "Well, it wasn't anything to be too worried about," he said. "But still…."

Dee shrugged.

"Should I get Ishay?"

"No. No, I'm fine."

***

"So his wife says, 'Well, maybe you should try thawing the chicken first!'" Noel and Felix exploded into laughter, and Dee had to whack Hoshi.

"Don't make me laugh like that," she gasped. "My stomach can't take it."

"I'm sorry, but really. You do meet the worst idiots in desk jobs." Hoshi rearranged his hand.

"Tell them about the one about the guy who tried to use paper on an CIT projector," Noel said. "That one's a classic."

"There are still functional CIT projectors?" Felix asked, and Noel laughed.

"All right, that's enough." Cottle broke them up. "I've been lenient with the visiting hours, but it's an hour past, you four are starting to disturb the other patients, and both Lieutenant Hoshi and Lieutenant Dualla should be sleeping."

"We could deal you in, Doc," Noel tried.

For a moment, Cottle actually looked tempted. But then he firmed up again. "Go on now, all of you. Get to where you're supposed to be."

Noel stood up and extended his arm to Dee, glancing significantly at Felix and Hoshi. "My lady," he said gallantly, "would you permit me to escort you to your quarters?"

Dee giggled, but as she stood up, she found she was grateful for Noel's support. "Good night," she said, trying to curtsey at Felix and Hoshi. She leaned on Noel, and they made their slow progress.

"You'll be there tomorrow?" she heard Hoshi say as they left.

"As soon as I'm off duty," Felix answered. "1600 hours, right? I'll get Thorton to cover for me."

"Thanks."

Noel helped her to the head, and then back to her cubicle in silence. But when they approached her bed, he asked "I didn't want to ask you in front of the others, but… what happened?"

Dee waited until they entered her cubicle and she sat down on her bed before she answered. "The pregnancy was ectopic,"

Noel's face crumpled in sympathy. "Oh, frak. Frak, Dee, I'm sorry. I figured something had happened, but…" he hesitated awkwardly. "Are you okay?"

He looked uncomfortable, uncertain of what to say. Dee didn't blame him. "Sure," she said.

"Does Lee…?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Felix got him back from that tylium mission before I woke up." She laughed hollowly. "He says maybe it's for the best."

Noel shrugged awkwardly. "Good attitude to have, I guess."

That hurt, in ways Dee wasn't ready to express. But she remembered fighting with Noel before Lee left, and right now she didn't want to go back there. So she changed the subject. "Hey," she said suddenly, "was _this_ what your problem was when Lee was upset with your flying? Louis being sick?"

"Yeah," Noel said with a sigh.

"He says he's not dying."

"And he's probably right." Noel shrugged. "It's hard to believe it when he says he'll be fine."

They sat in silence for a few moments, until Ishay came in. She did a couple of quick checks and gave Dee her medication, and then said goodnight, although Dee noticed with amusement that she cast Noel a sly, interested glance as she left. Noel was oblivious. Dee sat back and yawned hugely. "Sorry," she said. "I didn't think a day of doing nothing could be so exhausting."

Noel smiled. "I'll let you get some sleep," he said. He watched as she lay down, and then kissed her forehead gently. "I'll see you soon, all right?"

"All right." Dee watched him go, and soon she heard him catching up with Felix. Their voices sounded happy, alive, and as they drifted away together, she envied them.

The infirmary had settled down, but she still heard people moving about, machines beeping. Like Adama had said, they never turned the lights out, and she couldn't get comfortable on the bed. The pain meds hadn't kicked in yet, and now that her mind wasn't occupied she was aware of the discomfort in her abdomen. And somewhere, under it all, she suspected her heart was breaking.

She lay on her back and stared at the ceiling until sleep finally came.

***

"We could try replacing the circuit board."

"The problem is there's nothing to replace it with," Dee said, studying the diagram spread out in front of them.

Hoshi rubbed his forehead. "Right." He traced over the symbols. "What if we-" There were footsteps outside the cubicle, and a laugh as the curtain was pulled aside. Both of them snapped to attention, and Hoshi folded the diagrams. As he registered the visitors, he paled.

"Dr. Cottle," he said, confusion in his voice. "Dr. Robert."

"Lieutenant. Nice to see you again, although it's a shame it's under these circumstances." Dr. Robert consulted the chart in his hand. "Although I suspect you're not happy to see me."

Hoshi looked frantically at Cottle, who was standing easily at the doctor's side. "Sir? My biopsy isn't until 1600 hours, and I thought-"

"Dr. Robert came over on the early shuttle," Cottle said.

"But… it's not… Felix said…" Hoshi swallowed hard, and then composed himself. "I'm sorry. I was just taken by surprise. Is there any chance we can wait until later in the day?"

"My shuttle leaves at 1400 hours," Dr. Robert said, "and I've got a surgery back on the _Prometheus_ after that. I can't delay it. And you can't come over to me this time- you're on the no-fly list until you're in remission."

"If you wait until 1600 hours, you're going to be my first attempt at a bone marrow biopsy," Cottle said. "Is that what you want?"

"No. It's…" Hoshi took a deep breath and smiled. "It's fine. I'm sorry, sir."

Dr. Robert looked at Dee. "We're short a few medics. Can you help us hold him down?"

"She's post-op, forget it," Cottle said before Dee could agree to it. "I just finished the Admiral's physical. He said he'd give us a hand as soon as he had his uniform back on."

"Okay, then." Dr. Robert looked down at Hoshi. "Do you need the head before we begin?"

Hoshi nodded and slipped out of bed. Dee stood as well, but when she did, Hoshi turned and faced her. "Would you mind staying?" he asked. "I just really need-"

"It's fine, Hoshi," she said. "I'll be here."

"Thank you."

Adama was the first one to enter the room, as Dr. Robert was fussing with the equipment on a tray. He smiled at Dee, and then stepped to the other side of the empty bed to talk to the doctors. Dee heard Cottle giving him instructions in a low, gravelly voice.

The curtains parted again and Hoshi reentered. He'd changed out of his sweats and tanks and put on a hospital gown, and apparently had no underwear on underneath as he was awkwardly trying to hold the gown closed in the back. He glanced at the three men and then at Dee, and then self consciously climbed into the bed, lying on his side and facing Dee.

"I'm going to take a few moments to feel around for the site I want to use," Dr. Robert said, addressing Adama and Cottle. Cottle nodded, watching intently. Hoshi flinched, but didn't say anything as the doctor began to press on his hip bone.

"What do you want me to do?" she asked Hoshi. He swallowed, and then reached out tentatively. Dee realized what he wanted, and immediately took his hand in hers. "Okay," she said. "What else?"

"Just… I need to talk. Keep me talking. It keeps my mind off it, and if I don't think about it it's a lot easier."

"All right." But it wasn't easy. Dee cast around frantically for a topic of conversation, but kept coming up dry. "Should we keep discussing the communications console?" she asked.

"No. Nothing that technical- I can't concentrate on the details."

Dee chewed her lip, casting about for another topic. "You said this is your fourth time going through chemo," she said. "Is that why you're still a lieutenant?"

Hoshi nodded. "Did a lot of tours planetside at desk jobs after chemo treatments."

"How old were you?"

"Thirty-five the last time, twenty-nine the time before that, and seventeen the first time."

Dr. Robert interrupted, leaning over to address Hoshi as directly as possible. " I found the spot. I'm going to clean it."

Hoshi nodded. "Keep talking," he whispered at her. "Don't watch it."

"All right. Which one was the worst?"

"When I was seventeen. It was stage four that time, and I was largely alone."

The pieces came together. "That's why you left Sagittaron? You said you left when you were seventeen."

Hoshi winced as Dr. Robert injected an anesthetic into his hip. "Yeah, it was."

"Okay, I-"

"What the frak is that?" she heard Adama say softly.

Dr. Robert had picked up another syringe. It was huge- about two inches in diameter and over a foot long. It looked like a prop bad comedians would use. "This," Dr. Robert said, "is the syringe we use for the bone marrow aspiration. That one," he pointed to one that Dee couldn't see but made Adama's eyes widen, "is for the actual bone marrow sampling. What we need to do is put the needle through the hip and into the center of the bone. The aspiration takes a liquid sample, and then we actually take a sample of the marrow for analysis."

Adama nodded.

"Lieutenant," Dr. Robert said, "you know how this goes. I need you to curl up as tight as you possibly can." Hoshi nodded and obeyed, curling himself into a small ball. "That's good. Now push your hip out… good. Cottle, you hold his legs, and Adama, you brace his shoulders. Lieutenant Hoshi is fairly good about staying still, but sometimes…" he gave Dee a small smile. "This is not an easy procedure. All right?"

Hoshi took a deep, quavering breath, and then another. "Ready," he told Dr. Robert, but the mute plea he gave Dee was desperate and terrified.

"Keep going," he begged her. "I can't think."

Dee realized suddenly that she had never seen Hoshi actually afraid before, and it was rather chilling. It froze her mind, and she shook her head, especially as Dr. Robert lifted the long needle. "I… I…"

"Tell us about leaving Sagittaron," Adama jumped in, helping Dee out. "Were you headed for the Academy?"

Hoshi shook his head. "Not at all. My family was farmers. My parents were true believers. So was everyone we lived near. Small community." He was staring fixedly at Dee's face as he talked, and Dee kept her eyes on his. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Dr. Robert probing again with his fingers. "I was sixteen the first time I fainted, but it was hot and I was out in the field. I fainted five more times before I cut myself on the combine, and we couldn't get it to stop bleeding."

Dr. Robert said something softly to Cottle, and Dee was vaguely aware that Cottle answered in deep, rumbling tones. Hoshi swallowed hard.

"They actually took me to a doctor in Edessa. Under cover of night, to the shame of the neighbors, the whole nine yards. I think that maybe if it was something easy to fix, they might have done it. But they told us leukemia, and my mother just started crying. She-" his hand convulsed on Dee's, and involuntarily, Dee looked to see Dr. Robert inserting the needle deep into Hoshi's hip. Her stomach churned at the sight of it, and she hastily returned her gaze back to Hoshi's face.

He didn't seem to have noticed. "She gave me up for dead," he continued, his voice a monotone, "right then and there. The doctor told us I'd have a forty to sixty percent chance of making it with chemotherapy, and I'd be dead by the end of the year if we did nothing. My father didn't say a word for the whole drive home, but when we got there, he took me out for a long walk, and talked for a long time about the afterlife and destiny and how we all have our time. And all I could think was that if the Gods actually gave a frak about my destiny, they wouldn't have stuck me on the rock I was on. At the end, I asked him if they were going to treat me, and he said they couldn't condemn my soul to burn in hell, and as hard as this was for them, the alternative was worse."

"I'm in," Dr. Robert said. "This is the aspiration. Admiral, make sure you've got a strong hold; this hurts." Adama nodded, firming up his hold.

"So I got what money I could together and…" Hoshi broke off, and he squeezed Dee's hand so tightly that she almost cried out herself. "I ran," he finished, his voice cracking. "I ran to Gemenon, because I figured they'd be the most sympathetic to a Sagittaron. But I didn't know how much a specialist cost and I…" he closed his eyes, and his face contorted. But he kept his body completely still, and he didn't cry out. "But I had no idea what a specialist cost, or how hard it was to get an appointment with one without a referral."

Dr. Robert removed the syringe, but Hoshi didn't relax at all. And when Dee saw him pick up the bigger syringe, she understood exactly why. "The aspiration is done, Lieutenant," Dr. Robert said. "You're doing well."

Hoshi renewed his grip on Dee's hand. "What did I just say?" he asked.

"You didn't know how much it would cost."

"Oh. Right. Anyway, I kept trying to get appointments, but I went about it all wrong, going to hospitals and begging to see doctors. None of the offices really took me seriously, especially because by that time I was looking worse for the wear. Eventually I met up with Jurgen. He tried to get me to go to a temple, one that specializes in outreach and helping troubled youth, but I was afraid they'd send me right back to Sagittaron." His hand tightened again, but judging by the expression on his face this part was not as painful as the last, despite the fact that the needle was bigger. "He worked some sort of deal, got me into the military. Cain helped. I had to serve after I was done the treatments. I eventually got into the Academy, so it was better than anything I would have ever had on Sagittaron. It worked out."

Dr. Robert removed the syringe, and handed it to Cottle. "Lieutenant Hoshi? We're done. I need you to stay like you are until we can get the bleeding stopped and site cleaned and bandaged, but it's over. The worst is over. Admiral? You can let go."

Adama pulled back, and when Dee looked at him, she thought he looked like she felt, pale and sick. His hands lingered on Hoshi's shoulders, gentle and fatherly, before he completely stepped away from the bed. Hoshi kept a tight hold on Dee's hand, and she squeezed back, not letting go.

Cottle broke the silence first. "I'll take these samples over to the med lab for analysis," he said. "When I have the results, we'll discuss them." Hoshi nodded, and Cottle glanced over at Adama. "You said you needed to discuss the state of our medical supplies today as well?"

"Yes, Major. Dr. Robert, if you'll join us once you're done here, I'd like to take you to see Saul Tigh. Maybe you can talk some sense into him."

Dr. Robert nodded grimly. "I'll be there in a moment."

Adama touched Hoshi's shoulder again, and then left with Cottle.

Dr. Robert cleared his throat. He deftly bandaged the site, and then gave another small smile. "You can relax now, Lieutenant. You did extremely well." Hoshi nodded, but didn't really move. Dr. Robert slipped out, and Dee was alone with Hoshi.

"Hoshi?" She whispered. "I-"

"Are they gone?"

"They're gone," Dee said.

"Good." Hoshi extended his legs, and now that they were alone, she could feel him starting to tremble. It began in his hands and spread throughout his body. His one hand stayed clasped in hers, but the other covered his face as he shook. Dee covered their joined hands with her free one, staring at the image that seemed so familiar to her, and yet so different.

It wasn't until then that she realized Hoshi was crying.

It was quiet, but it shook his body and Dee wasn't sure what to do. If she'd gone through what he'd just taken, she'd be doing the same thing, but she had no idea how to approach it.

"It's okay," she whispered to him. "You're not alone. I'm here." And as the words left her mouth, it occurred to her that she meant it. "Louis, I'm here."

She wasn't aware that she was crying herself until the tears dripped onto her hands. She moved her top hand and tentatively touched his hair. When he didn't jerk back or yell at her to frak off, she stroked it gently, the short strands soft under her fingers.

She heard footsteps, and touched him more firmly. "Someone's coming," she said, wiping her face.

Hoshi took a deep breath and got himself under control, and then flipped over onto his back, wiping his own cheeks. He tried to wipe at his nose, realized he only had his bare hand, and made a face. Dee started to giggle as she hunted around for something more appropriate. He smiled, too, and then hiccuped. They stared at each other, and the shocked expression on his face was so comical that Dee couldn't help laughing.

"It's not funny," he said indignantly, and then hiccuped again. By the time the curtains pushed aside, they were both laughing.

"Do I even want to know?" Cottle asked.

Hoshi hiccuped, and they both doubled over in laughter.

***

"And so, Goddess Athena, we lift to you this prayer. We pray for those who are suffering, those who are grieving, those who are mourning. We pray for those in pain, that you may ease their burden. We pray for those struggling on, for each other, for ourselves. Help us Athena, in this our hour of need. So say we all."

"So say we all."

Hoshi was listening to the wireless, head bowed, when Dee was coming back from the infirmary shower. The service was a Sagittaron one, she realized. "Are you feeling better?"

Hoshi looked up and snapped off the wireless. "A bit." He studied her. "Do you go to services?"

"I did for a little while. I promised my parents… but after the attacks…" Dee shrugged.

Hoshi nodded and reached over and turned the wireless back on. "Sit with me," he said, and Dee wasn't sure if it was a request or an order. But she obeyed.

They listened together in silence, and Dee used the time to take a better look at Hoshi. He'd lost weight since she'd last seen him in the CIC, she realized, although it wasn't drastic. Judging by the smell of soap, he'd showered after the biopsy. He still hadn't shaved, but Dee noticed that his beard was coming in well and his hair looked the same as when he'd cropped it close. "I thought cancer patients usually lost their hair," she said.

"Not always, and not immediately," Hoshi said. "You used to pass notes during sermons, didn't you?"

"Yes."

He grinned. "Figured." But he pointedly lapsed back into silence, listening to the speaker. Dee took the hint and did the same.

The priestess was talking about the fragility of life and the world beyond. The world Hoshi's father had explained to a child he thought he couldn't help. The glory of the afterlife, where souls rested. And suddenly, Dee was hit with the image of her baby there, crawling in a garden, a chubby hand reaching towards a flower.

It was ridiculous, she knew that, and yet it wouldn't leave her alone.

"What did he look like?" she heard herself asking. "Your father?"

"My father?" Hoshi asked, his brows knitting together in surprise. "Pretty much exactly like me."

The baby's hand was intercepted by a hand with long, thin fingers, and she could see the protector clearly. Grayer than his son, with longer hair and a worn flannel shirt and tanned face. He picked the baby up, cuddling it close, pointing to a bird that flew by.

"He didn't protect you. He couldn't protect you. He wanted to, but he had to let you go, because he believed…" Dee found herself wiping at her streaming eyes. "He had to let his child go."

Hoshi's eyes lit with comprehension. "You're not like my father. You truly had no choice."

"I never said I was. I just… he lost his baby."

"There's a difference," Hoshi said gently. "_You_ lost your baby."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"

Hoshi sighed heavily, and scooted over until he could pull her into his arms. "Don't talk," he ordered her, rubbing her arm gently. "Just cry."

It was impossible not to obey, and Dee cried against him until her ribs and her abdomen hurt and her body felt heavy. Somehow she ended up on his bed, curled against him like a child, sobbing like her heart was broken.

She finally had to stop, not because she felt any better, but because her body just wouldn't take any more. He was watching her, his own eyes red and swollen.

"Do you feel better?" he asked.

Dee shook her head.

"Can't say I blame you. Crying never helped me, either. It's just something I do when I can't do anything else." He guided her down so they were lying more comfortably on the bed, both on their sides, facing each other. His lips quirked up, and he draped his arm over her. "I don't know about you," he murmured, "but I'll take the Cylons over this morning any day of the week."

She nodded, closing her eyes. And when she did, they stayed shut. She drifted off to sleep under the warmth of Hoshi's arm, his warm breath even and gentle on her neck as he nodded off as well.  



	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things pull people together, and the same things can drive others apart.

  
"Should I be jealous?"

"I doubt it, sir, Hoshi's not that into women."

"He's sleeping in the same bed as my wife and has his arm around her, Gaeta. How does that qualify as _not that into women_?"

"Well, he's got his arm around her. Not his tongue in her mouth."

"Hmm. I see your point."

"Exactly, sir." A pause. "I wouldn't be jealous."

"_I_ think we should get a camera," a third voice said. "Seriously. This is one of those moments you always dream about, but you never think you'll see." A sniffle. "I… I… I'm getting all emotional."

"I hate you," Hoshi mumbled, turning away, and Dee decided it would be best if she woke all the way up. She blinked, her vision clearing until Lee, Felix, and Noel resolved into three distinct forms rather than one large blob.

"I'm sorry," Dee mumbled, rubbing her eyes. "We just were talking and…" But Lee was smiling, and Dee realized he'd been joking earlier. "Oh."

"All right," Cottle was pushing aside the curtains again. "It's time to break up this slumber party and where did the three of you come from?"

"Caprica, Picon, and Scorpia," Lee suggested.

"The CIC and the hangar deck," Noel supplied.

"Well, doctor, when a man and a woman love each other very much-" Felix began.

"All right, wise guys." Cottle shook his head and motioned to Dee. "I need to see you in your own bed." He glanced at the other four. "Unless you want this peanut gallery to see you with your feet in stirrups."

"I'm coming," Dee said, and she smiled as Lee nodded to the other three and followed her.

The actual examination was gentle and thorough. Dee lay back, staring up at the ceiling and holding on to Lee's hand, especially when Cottle finished with the internal and brought out the sonogram machine. She couldn't bear to look at the screen, even if all that was on it were grainy images that she didn't understand. Lee squeezed her hand tight, but when Dee looked up at him he didn't meet her eyes, and she could see that he was crying. She squeezed his hand tight. She knew Cottle could see the emotion passing between them, but he didn't comment. Instead, he finished the exam and picked up a tourniquet.

"I need a blood sample," he said. "And then you're free to go, but I want you to report back tomorrow for the results. Dee dutifully extended her arm. But she regretted it once Cottle began to poke around with his syringe. She tried not to say anything, because after watching Hoshi go through a bone marrow biopsy it seemed pretty petty to be wincing over a simple blood test, but she couldn't hold back an exclamation of pain after one particular attempt.

"Frak it," Cottle swore. "You've got flyaway veins." He tried one more time, making Dee squirm, and then gave up. "Major," he said, looking over at Lee, "go see if Dr. Robert has made it back to the infirmary."

"Yes, sir."

Cottle loosened the tourniquet on Dee's arm, and watched Lee leave. Once he was sure he was gone, he turned back to Dee.

"I don't expect that this is going to be something that just goes away quickly," he said. "An ectopic pregnancy is for all intents and purposes a miscarriage." He put the syringe down and pulled out a cigarette. "There's a pregnancy loss support group that meets that you might want to consider, and if you find you're really having trouble, we can send you over to see Dr. Stroffa." He took a deep drag. "I'm going to have both your husband and the Admiral keep a close eye on you for the next week."

Dee nodded.

Lee returned with Dr. Robert, who was obviously practiced at this, and in one careful, smooth motion he had the needle directly into Dee's vein. "Thank you," Dee said in relief.

They left the infirmary together, Lee's arm around Dee's waist, their ears ringing with strict instructions for follow up care, how long she could be on duty, and avoiding alcohol, sex, and heavy lifting for a while. Of the three, alcohol was the only one that sounded even vaguely appealing to Dee. They walked through the halls of _Galactica_, nearly in silence.

"Are you hungry?" Lee asked. "I've got ten minutes left before I have to fly CAP."

"I should eat," Dee conceded.

Lee guided her into the mess hall. She noticed that a few people were looking at her oddly, like they'd realized they hadn't seen her in a few days, but for the most part, life was going on around her. People had their own concerns, their own dramas and their own lives.

"So," Lee said, sitting down and putting a tray of food in front of her, "are you going to tell me how you ended up in bed with _Hoshi_ of all people?" He made a face, and then smiled.

Dee laughed. "I know it's strange," she admitted. "I was bored."

Lee didn't seem like he knew whether to laugh or not over that statement. He decided to go the safe route. "What's he in there for, anyway?"

"He didn't say," she lied lightly. She didn't know why she lied, but oddly, it seemed like the right thing to do.

"Mmm." She could tell Lee didn't believe her, but he didn't press her on the issue, either. Instead, he just stared at her for a long moment as she tried to eat. The food wasn't very good to begin with, but it seemed even dryer under his scrutiny.

Lee sighed. "Dad wants us to join him for dinner tomorrow night, if you're feeling up to it," he said finally.

"All right."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Dee smiled brightly. "Just tired." She pushed the tray away. "You should go. You have to fly CAP."

"I should walk you back," he began.

"Lee," Dee laughed, "I can walk back to our quarters." She reached out and touched his cheek. "I'll be all right."

He caught her hand and kissed it. "If you're sure."

"Of course I'm sure. There's no need to play the white knight."

He gave her another smile and walked out of the mess hall. Dee watched him go, and then got to her feet. She hoped she could make it to their quarters before she burst into tears again. She barely did, and ended up crying herself to sleep in their bed.

***

She managed to get out of bed and shower again before Lee came home for the night. When he opened the hatch she was sitting at the desk, going over the plans she and Hoshi had been working on together during the morning.

"Did you get out at all today?" he asked her.

"No, I'm working a half-shift tomorrow," Dee said, not looking up. "I figured I should rest today."

Lee nodded. "I brought us some dinner," he finally said.

It felt like all she was doing was sleeping and eating. Dee restrained her sigh of frustration and looked again at the plans. "Let me just finish this," she said.

"All right."

A half hour later, Lee said, "Dee? Are you going to eat?"

"Go ahead without me," she said.

Lee was still for a moment, and then she heard him moving about, doing something with the trays. When she looked up, she saw he had put a plate beside her. She looked over her shoulder and smiled at him. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

She turned back to the plans.

_Numbers soothe me_, Hoshi had told her. As Dee forced her mind back into circuits and code, she understood exactly what he meant. When your mind was so full of technical details that required full attention, there was no room for emotions that you didn't want to feel. She worked on.

There was motion in the background.

"Dee?" Lee said softly. "Come to bed."

"Go ahead without me."

Lee came over and gently pulled the plans out from under her hands. "No. Come on."

His eyes were so sad, and Dee remembered suddenly that he was hurting, too. She nodded, and stripped off her clothes to curl up beside him.

They didn't talk as they lay nestled together, his arms wrapped tight around her and her head on his shoulder, but Dee thought maybe they didn't need to. As she wept, her tears mingled with his.

***

"Lieutenant."

Adama's voice was softer than normal, and Dee glanced up at him with her best professional expression. "Sir?"

Adama handed her a file. "You have an appointment in sickbay in a few minutes, right?"

Dee glanced at her watch and raised her eyebrows. "Yes. Follow up from yesterday," she said lamely. She glanced at the note paper clipped to the folder. "Take these to Cottle?"

"You got it. And tell him I need an answer right away."

"Yes, sir."

He clapped her on the shoulder and smiled sadly at her. Dee wished there was a way you could politely yell at your commanding officer not to do that, because otherwise she was going to cry on duty, and that was exactly what she was trying to avoid.

Her first day back hadn't been all that bad, all things considered. She finished up what she was doing, tucked the file under her arm, and headed down to sickbay.

It didn't hit her until she entered, and then the thought that the last time she entered she was pregnant hit her with the force of a tidal wave.

She _couldn't_ go in. Not right now. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and then glanced around frantically. To her relief, she noticed that the door of Cottle's private office was slightly ajar, and she heard his voice from inside. She stepped just inside the door and waited quietly.

"It's possible that Howell got a bad reading over on the _Pegasus_," Cottle was admitting. "But I'm still surprised we didn't pick up anything during the biopsy you did on New Caprica." He listened, and the expression on his face was impatient. "Mike, I'm just saying… Mike, I'm… Oh, frak it, Robert, all I'm saying is that if the equipment was malfunctioning then, I'm worried about trusting this reading now! I don't want to tell an officer one thing and then have to tell him another in two weeks. I want to be sure about this." He listened again, and whatever Dr. Robert said on the other line soothed him somewhat. He stubbed out his cigarette. "Right. Thank you. I've got to go, Mike. I've got a patient." He chuckled at something and hung up the phone.

"Lieutenant. Don't you knock?"

"Sorry, sir." Dee extended the file. "The Admiral wanted me to give this to you."

Cottle took the file. "Thank you." He flipped through the papers on the desk. "I won't even keep you long. Your blood tests came back exactly as expected, and you're recovering well. How are you feeling after your shift?"

"All right, sir. Tired."

"Well, don't overdo it, unless the Cylons attack. Then I suppose you don't have a choice, because if it comes down to you or Hoshi in the CIC, you're the one in there for the next few days. Got that?"

"Yes, sir."

Cottle handed her a form. "I need you to sign this," he said. "I got clearance from Lieutenant Hoshi to give you pertinent information about his medical status due to the fact that you two share the same job. What I need from you is your signature that whatever I tell you remains confidential."

"Of course."

"Dee," Cottle leaned forward, "just so you're aware, this does mean you can not discuss it with Lee. Louis doesn't want anyone that he hasn't told to know, and quite frankly, I don't blame him. As far as I know, Major Adama is not aware of the situation, and Louis is adamant that he stays that way."

"I understand that, sir," Dee said. She looked at the sheet, reading it over one more time, and then signed her name next to Hoshi's.

"Good. Now get out of here, I've got work to do."

***

By the end of the week, Dee was able to work a full shift, and Cottle concluded that the hGC levels in her blood were back down to zero. It was over, and although there was one more week of mild restrictions, Dee had her life back.

Well, that's what the medical charts indicated, anyway.

She opened the hatch to the lab and found Felix sitting at the table, bent over a set of star charts and tapping a pencil on the surface. He looked up with one of his brief, duty bound smiles when she entered.

"Lieutenant. Haven't seen you around much."

"Sorry," Dee said, "I've been sleeping a lot. Here are the star charts you were looking for."

He took them without comment and turned back to his work. Dee noticed that he looked tired, and she bit her lip. "How's Hoshi doing?" she asked.

Felix didn't look up. "He's doing fine, not that you'd know that."

"What do you mean?" Dee asked. "Cottle had me sign a confidentiality clearance so he could tell me if Hoshi wasn't…" she trailed off. "What?"

"_Louis_," Felix emphasized, "is aware of that. But for frak's sake, Dee, you two spent the whole time you were in the infirmary joined at the hip, you get out and you can't even go back to keep him company for an hour? You know how hard a time he's having, not to mention how bored he is!"

Guilt flooded Dee, because she hadn't even _thought_ of it. "Oh, Gods, Felix, I'm so sorry. I-"

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to," Felix said stiffly.

Dee rubbed her forehead. "I know. Frak. I just…. He must be furious with me."

Felix put down the pencil. "Oddly enough, Dee, he's not. He says he understands. But _I_ don't. It's not like you, Dee. Why haven't you visited him at all?"

She sat down at the table. "Felix," she began, and her throat closed up, "I lied to you. Sort of. Earlier."

"Huh? When?"

"When I told you that Cottle found a paraovarian cyst."

"Oh." He still looked a little baffled. "That sounded pretty serious."

"It was and it wasn't, but the reason he found it was because…" she wiped her eyes, because this was the first time she'd actually said the words out loud since she'd told Noel back in the infirmary, "I had an ectopic pregnancy. I was trying to get pregnant, and I did, and I lost the baby."

"Oh. Oh, Gods, Dee…" Felix looked around frantically, and located a box of something like tissues. He plunked it in the center of the table. "No wonder he said he understood. When I took you down there-"

"That's when Cottle discovered it," Dee said. "He operated right away. And every time I go near that infirmary, all I can think is that's where…" she wiped angrily at her eyes again.

"Okay. You're off the hook," Felix said. He looked completely helpless beyond that, though. "I'm sorry, Dee. I didn't know." He was silent for a moment, letting Dee try to pull herself back together. "How are you doing with it? Or is that a stupid question?"

Dee sighed, and then blew her nose. "I think I'm still doing my best _not_ to deal with it," she admitted.

"Ah." Felix rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Well, if you ever need someone to listen… I don't think I can be much good with the advice or say the right things, but I can at least keep my mouth closed while you talk."

Oddly enough, it was exactly the right thing to say.

***

It was late when Dee made her way back to her quarters. She felt like she'd cried for hours, and she wasn't sure how much it had helped, but by the end she and Felix were laughing hysterically over the number of times they'd each walked in on Baltar talking to thin air, or worse, with his pants down. It was the first time she'd ever really heard Felix laugh about Baltar, and the thought that he was healing helped her as well.

Lee was in bed, but he turned over when she opened the hatch. "Dee?"

"No, just the bogeyman," Dee said, shimmying out of her uniform and climbing into bed. "Sorry I was so late."

"Where were you?"

"With Felix."

That caught Lee's attention. His eyes opened wide, and he turned over, propping his head up on his hand as he reached out and took her hand. "Did you finally tell him?" he asked. "About the baby, I mean?"

How could he say it so easily? Dee marveled. But she nodded. "Yeah, I did."

"Good," Lee said. "I've been hoping… I mean, I know it's hard for you and me to talk about it. Every time one of us says something about it, it seems like we're only hurting the other," he said bitterly. "It's probably just as well if we've got other people to talk to about it."

"Yeah."

"Did… did you talk to Hoshi about it today?" Lee asked. In the darkness, he sounded rather insecure.

"Not talk. He's… he's got enough on his mind."

"Like what?"

"I can't tell you." Silence, and Dee realized how that sounded. "I really can't tell you, Lee," she said hastily. "Cottle made me sign an agreement."

"I understand," Lee said, but there was a catch in his voice.

Dee thought about what he'd said. "Who have you mentioned it to?" she asked, suddenly deeply afraid of the answer.

"Helo," Lee said, and Dee relaxed. Lee darkened. "Dee, we're not even talking, and even if we were, I wouldn't talk to _her_ about it."

"I know," Dee said lightly.

Lee decided not to pursue it. "Helo's a good one to talk to," he said, lying back. "Do you know he and Sharon have been trying for another baby?"

"I thought maybe," Dee said.

"Yeah." Lee was silent for a long time. Dee had almost thought he'd drifted back off to sleep when he said softly, "Everyone says we can try again, like that's some sort of blessing. So why doesn't it make me feel any better right now?"

"Because it still won't be _this_ baby," Dee said hollowly.

Lee fumbled for her hand. She squeezed it tight, and they lay side by side in the darkness.

***

"Specialist," Dee said, resisting the urge to rub her forehead, or even better, beat Gage over the head with the manual, "how many times to I have to tell you this is _not_ the _Pegasus_. This communications console is outdated, and-"

"I _know_ that," Gage huffed back at her. "But I worked on a Mercury class battlestar before the _Pegasus_, and it's just sort of second nature."

"Second nature isn't going to help when the Cylons find us again. _This_ should be your second nature, Specialist."

"Lieutenant Dualla."

Dee spun, and a smile broke out over her face as she saw Hoshi standing in front of her. He was in his duty blues, had finally shaved, and although he still looked tired, it looked more like he had a bad hangover than he was coming off chemotherapy.

"Five minutes, Specialist," Hoshi told Gage, "and then I'll pick up where Lieutenant Dualla left off."

"Yes, sir." It wasn't Dee's imagination that Gage looked relieved.

"There was a time you'd have been delighted about dumping him on me," Hoshi said as they watched him go.

Dee chuckled. "I still am. He's impossible. I guess he's smart enough when he puts his mind to it, but stubborn as anything."

"And you don't like him because of the thing with Helo and Tyrol."

"Well, yeah." Hoshi looked down at the console, Dee looked at the CIC floor. Dee hastily picked up her training binder. "I'm really sorry I never came to see you after I got out," she said awkwardly. "Felix really let me have it last night."

Hoshi took the binder from her, opened it, and leaned over so it looked like they were quietly discussing the contents. "Don't worry about it," he said, flashing her a quick smile. "Listen, so you know, I'm on half shifts for the next week or two, and then I have to go in for consolidation."

Dee blinked. "That's good, right?" she asked.

Hoshi's grin widened. "Very good," he said. "As far as Cottle and Robert can tell, it looks like the cancer's headed for remission."

Dee found herself wanting to squeal with delight and hug him. But aside from the fact that it was not at all appropriate for the CIC, she wasn't quite sure how he'd take that. In the infirmary it had been easier, but out here, back where they'd already set up habits and attitudes and opinions… she honestly wasn't sure. So she smiled and said, "That's fantastic."

"Thanks. Anyway, I'll have to-"

"DRADIS contact!" Felix's voice rang out through the CIC, snapping them both to attention and action. "I've got six Raiders coming in at six one four one! Constant bearing, decreasing range!"

Adama looked around the CIC, and then met her eyes, looked between her and Hoshi, and gestured to Dee to get down to the CIC floor. With a start, Dee realized exactly what she was meant to do.

"Let's get the alert Vipers out there!" she heard herself ordering. "Set condition one throughout the Fleet."

"Aye, sir," Hoshi said. He sat down, pulling on his headset and immediately slipping right back into his slot. "All hands to action stations. Gunnery, report in."

"Baseships?" Adama demanded from Gaeta.

"Not yet, sir. I'm guessing this was an exploratory mission that found us by accident."

"They'll know we're here soon enough. Mr. Gaeta, transmit the coordinates. Mr. Hoshi, have the Fleet spool up the FTL drives."

"Aye sir."

The signal came in that the alert Vipers were ready to go. "Launch alert five," Dee ordered.

"CAP's coming in, sir," Felix told her.

Adama glanced at Dee. It was a brief glance of permission, and Dee swallowed hard. She checked the DRADIS to make sure her gut was right, and then nodded. "Prepare to engage. Weapons hot." She waited with bated breath for Adama to say _belay that_, but he just nodded.

"Apollo, this is _Galactica_ actual," Felix said, grinning just a little. "Your wife just gave the go ahead; blow the bastards out of the sky."

"Women," Lee said over the speaker. "Most wives would be satisfied with half a dozen roses, mine wants half a dozen dead toasters. Engaging Cylon raiders."

"Hey Mort," Dee heard Narcho say, "you've got a Raider coming in on your left seven."

"My DRADIS is clear, Narcho."

"So are my frakking eyes. I'm going after him-"

"Narcho!" Starbuck shouted. "Get back in form- oh frak! Four more Raiders and-"

"DRADIS contact," Felix said, his voice far more urgent. "I've got a baseship bearing in at 330 (_)"

"Mr. Hoshi," Adama said, "order the Fleet to jump."

"Aye, sir."

"Mort! Get the frak out of there! Damn it- I'm going after him."

"Narcho!" Starbuck ordered, "get the frak back-"

"Narcho, Kat. I see him. Take the shot!"

"Frak! There really is a raider back there!" Mort shouted.

"No shit! Targeting… damn it! No joy, and FRAK! Mort! DAMN IT!"

Dee winced, but a stern glance from Adama kept it together. "Kat, we've got two raiders coming in at your squadron."

"We've got them, sir. Narcho, Hot Dog," she ordered.

"Fleet's away, sir," Hoshi confirmed.

Adama nodded. "Land the birds," he ordered. "Let's get out of here."

"Board is green," Felix confirmed, once the Vipers were in. "Jumping in three, two, one…"

They jumped.

"DRADIS shows clear, sir," Felix said.

"Fleet is all present and accounted for," Hoshi checked in.

The CIC was silent for a long moment. Adama cleared his throat. "Secure from action stations. Set condition three throughout the Fleet. Good work, people." It was funny how there were rituals after an attack, Dee thought. Felix sighed and rubbed his face with his hands before turning back to his station. Timmins and Martins gave a small high five, and she saw Gerrison bow his head in prayer. Adama was staring at the table, but he glanced up long enough to give Dee a brief smile, and Dee suddenly wondered exactly why Helo had been so silent. She glanced back at him, and he gave her a discreet thumbs up before he turned back to his job.

"You're relieved, Lieutenant," Adama said.

"Yes, sir."

It wasn't until Dee stepped out of the CIC that she allowed herself to start trembling.

***

"Not bad," Lee said as he came in, still sweaty from his Viper suit. He swept her up and kissed her.

"You stink," Dee giggled. "But I got my half-dozen dead toasters. Very romantic, Major Adama."

"Only the best for my wife," he said. He released her with a smile. "Hey," he said as he began stripping down, "was that Hoshi I heard on comm?"

"Yeah. He's back in the CIC. Sort of, anyway."

"What do you mean?"

Dee bit her lip. "I guess he'll be out again."

Lee looked baffled. "_Why_?"

"I'm not supposed to tell you."

"But I'm your husband."

"_And_ Hoshi's superior, but not commanding, officer."

"He told you, but not me."

"We have the same job."

Lee looked at her levelly. "Right," he finally said, and stepped out of his pants. "I'm going to get a shower."

Dee shook her head. She settled down into a chair, not wanting to admit just how tired she was, especially as the adrenaline ebbed from her body. She heard the shower shut off, and then Lee came out, looking contrite. "I'm sorry," he said, kissing her. "If you can't tell, you can't tell, and it's ridiculous for me to get so bent out of shape about it. It's just…"

"Mort?" Dee asked sympathetically.

"Exactly."

"I'm sorry," she said softly.

"Thanks. And I hate to be thinking about it, but…" Lee shook his head.

"What?"

"Nothing," Lee sighed. "It's just that there's a problem."

"Isn't there always?

Lee sat down. "Mort was a squadron leader."

"Who's next in line?"

"One of two people," Lee sighed. "And neither of them ideal."

"Who?" Dee pressed.

"Starbuck and Narcho," Lee said, sitting down at his desk.

Despite the gravity of the situation, Dee smiled at that. But her smile faded as she realized that it really didn't matter who the second person was, it was obvious who was going to get the promotion. "Do you even really need to consider it?" she asked dully.

"Helo's insisting that we take a look at it seriously," Lee sighed. "He's still new enough to the whole XO thing that he wants to do even the smallest things exactly by the book."

"Nothing wrong with that," Dee said.

"Yeah, but the choice is obvious."

"Is it?" Dee asked. "All the former squadron leaders are either still leaders or dead."

"Kara's made captain," Lee said. "Noel hasn't."

"Maybe Noel should have by now," Dee said. "The formal promotion system dropped by the wayside long ago."

"No it hasn't," Lee said, stung.

"It has. There are a lot of people who should have received promotions. Cally, for one."

"It would have been a paygrade increase, nothing more." Lee rolled his eyes. "Who else?"

"Felix."

"New Caprica kind of frakked that up," Lee said dryly.

Dee shrugged. "Timmins. Racetrack. Stroud. Hoshi. Everan."

"Dee, come on. Look, it would be nice if we could proceed with the typical process, yes. But the military as we know it has completely changed. Circumstances have changed, and while I recognize people are getting frakked over, it's unavoidable." Lee sighed. "Besides, in most cases, it would now just be ceremonial anyway. We can't pay more, and their responsibilities wouldn't even change."

"Maybe in most cases," Dee conceded, "but not this one. If you promote Noel to captain, he's the obvious choice for squadron leader."

"Starbuck's the better pilot."

"Yes, and Noel's the better leader."

"Right." Lee sat down, staring at his hands. "Have you talked to Noel?"

"About this? No. I just-'

"No. About the baby."

"About that?" It was out of left field; Dee regarded him with confusion. "Not really. Noel's a good friend, Lee, but he's not exactly well versed in what to say to someone who's had an ectopic pregnancy."

"Well, what about Felix?"

"You're changing the subject deliberately," Dee accused.

"Maybe a little," Lee admitted. "But you're avoiding answering the question."

"Yes," Dee sighed. "I talked to Felix."

Lee nodded. He smiled when she said that, but Dee noticed that the smile didn't reach his eyes. He wasn't happy about her talking to Felix, she realized, although she couldn't put her finger on way. "A lot?" he asked.

Dee shrugged. "A fair amount. But you talked to Helo, right?"

"Yeah." Lee sighed. "Yeah, I did. I do." He glanced at his watch. "Speaking of which, I need to meet him tonight to go over this. Do you mind?"

"No, of course not." Dee shook her head. "Just, Lee? I meant what I said."

"Yeah, I know." He picked up his duty blue jacket. "Hey," he said awkwardly, before he opened the hatch, "you know… if you ever wanted to go to that pregnancy loss support group that Cottle told us about, I'd be willing to go with you. For support and everything."

Dee wrinkled her nose. "I don't think I will."

Lee shrugged. "Okay, then. I'll see you tonight. Don't wait up."

He left, and the hatch echoed behind him.

Dee stared at the hatch for a long moment, and then shook her head. Lee _had_ to listen to her about Noel. She dug through her locker, finally finding the box that had the pictures she'd taken from Belzen's personal effects. There was also small wrapped packet in the box that she stared at for a moment in confusion, and then set aside in favor of the pictures. She leafed through them until she found the earliest one of Noel. It was of the Air Group, all wearing their duty blues, and she noticed Noel had the junior lieutenant's pins on his collar. At least Cain had promoted him since to a full grade lieutenant. She sighed, and set the stack of pictures down, wondering idly if she should give them to Noel or Hoshi.

She picked up the small packet she'd set aside, and then finally unrolled the cloth from it. A prayer icon to Hestia, goddess of fertility, fell out.

Dee burst into tears.

***

"You have something for me," Hoshi said dubiously as they walked to her quarters. "Should I expect it to explode?"

"No," Dee said. She glanced sidelong at him. He'd just finished his half-shift, and he looked pale and tired. She wondered if this was a good idea, but it was too late now.

He followed her in and looked around curiously. "I've been in the officer's quarters on the _Pegasus_," he remarked. "I'm surprised how similar they are."

Dee shrugged. "I guess that's as good a lead in as I'm going to get," she said. She handed Hoshi the stack of framed and unframed pictures from Belzen's effects. "I was looking for a manual," she explained as he sat down heavily. "I found them before the battle at New Caprica. I… I didn't think the people in them should be lost forever."

Hoshi stared at the pile. "Thank you," he whispered. He picked up the largest of the frames, the one of Belzen and his family, and opened it. His eyes immediately teared up, and he touched the picture softly. Then he opened the one of himself, Cain, and Belzen, and set it aside quietly again, without comment.

He picked up the packet of unframed pictures and began sifting through. At first he told Dee names, and little one sentence descriptions. _She was the head of the galley. He was a great pilot, but could barely read. He couldn't tell his right from his left, how he'd ever…._ but soon even that tapered off as he slowly flipped through the pictures.

"Thank you for these," he said, as he continued his slow pilgrimage. "There are so many people in here that-" he stopped, frozen.

"What is it?" Dee asked.

There was a little smile on his face as he pulled out a picture. It was the black and white picture of a teenaged boy sitting on a hospital bed. When Dee had thumbed through the pictures the first time, he'd merely been one face in an untold story. This time, with Hoshi right there, she saw that the eyes were identical, and she realized exactly who the boy in the picture was.

"Oh," she said softly.

"Yeah. I didn't know he even had this. I…" he looked at the picture again, and then shook his head and set it aside reverently. "Although it shouldn't surprise me." He began to go through the pictures again. Dee waited silently until he'd finished with all of them. He shuffled them all back into neat piles, and then stacked them together, the one of himself on top. "Thank you," he told Dee. "This means… this means so much to me."

"I'm glad." Dee shifted awkwardly.

"Was that…?"

"No, I had this for you, too." Dee pushed the prayer icon of Hestia back to him. She smiled, and she felt tears welling in her eyes. "I think it's broken. I hope you can still get your money back."

"Oh, _Dee…._" He sighed heavily, looking at her face. "I'll admit I fully intended it to be tasteless. But not _this_ tasteless."

"I'm not blaming you," Dee said, choking up. "It's just… right now I'm wanting her about as far away as she can get. Between fertility and hearth and home… I think she's cursing me."

Hoshi picked up the prayer icon and turned it over. "Hey," he said slowly, "have you considered that pregnancy loss support group?"

"No," Dee said flatly. "I don't need to sit around being all… tears and shared bonding and sisterhood."

Hoshi sighed. "It's not like that."

"Because you've been to so many pregnancy loss support groups."

"Not pregnancy loss. But support groups, yes." She looked at him, and he gave a dry laugh at her surprise. "Dee," he said, bending the picture of him as a teenager between his fingers, "I ran away at seventeen because I was diagnosed with a disease that left me in the hospital- alone- for the better part of a year. I joined the military, which goes against everything I was taught. And I've had to fight off that same disease three more times. If you honestly think I've never been in a therapy group, then you have a remarkably high opinion of my ability to cope with disaster." He looked back down at the picture. "They're really helpful."

"I don't need a support group," Dee said.

Hoshi shrugged. "If you want, I'll even go with you to the first meeting. And I'll cover your shifts, if you cover for me when I'm at mine."

"Thanks," Dee said awkwardly. "I'll think about it."

Hoshi looked at her levelly. "Right," he said. He picked up the pictures and stood up. "Well, I should go. I need to sleep. Thank you for these, Dee."

"You're welcome."

"And Dee?"

"Yes?"

Hoshi turned around and looked her straight in the eye. "You _can_ call me Louis, you know."

Dee flushed. "I know. Thank you, Louis."

He smiled, the big one that lit up his whole face. "You're welcome."

***

"Look," Dee ground out, "I don't get why both you and your father are so determined that Kara Thrace is the one for this position!"

"I don't get why you're not seeing it!" Lee snarled back. "For Gods' sakes, Dee, she's a captain, she's been CAG, and she's the best pilot in the Fleet! This has nothing to do with personal feeling!"

"I never said it did!"

"You sure as hell implied it!" Lee ran his hand through his hair impatiently, pacing the length of their quarters. "Why is this so important to you anyway?"

"Because Narcho is one of our people!"

"What? So is Starbuck!"

"Come on Lee," Dee said, turning in her chair and crossing her arms, "don't tell me you don't see it."

"Don't see what?"

"When was the last time someone from the _Pegasus_ got promoted? When was the last time a _Pegasus_ person got any authority?"

"Showboat's one of the squadron leaders."

"Yeah, and who else? Laird's second to Tyrol, instead of being deck chief. Helo's acting XO, instead of you. Showboat's the only _Pegasus_ pilot in any position of authority. Even in the support positions; the Marines originally stationed on _Galactica_ are in command, the gunners… even in the galley! The _Pegasus_ people have all been shoved into secondary positions, even when some of them deserve to be higher up!"

"And the first time you see fit to serve as the _Pegasus_ advocate is when Noel Allison is getting turned down for a promotion," Lee snapped. "Forgive me if I find it hard to believe that this is really about the _Pegasus_ and not about your friend."

Dee slammed her binder down on the table. "This is _not_ about Noel."

"It is, too. It's about Noel and Kara. You have issues with Kara, you're friends with Noel-"

"Lee!"

"Then what is this about, Dee? It's a frakking squadron leader! You're not a pilot, you're not a CO, you're not… this isn't about you! None of this is about you!"

"Then why are you getting so worked up? If I don't have any authority to say anything, why not just ignore it?"

"Because it's the most you've said to me in the past two weeks!"

"It is not!" Dee snapped back.

"It is too! You won't talk to me about the baby, which I get, Dee. I really do. You won't tell me what the frak is going on with Hoshi, which wouldn't be a big deal except you're spending so much time with him now. You won't tell me what you talk about with Felix. All you do is recite military trained responses back at me! You aren't telling me a thing that's actually going on in your head!"

"This is real!" Dee said, seizing on the one accusation she could defend. "This is what I'm really thinking right now, that you're frakking over one of _our_ guys because there's a chance to promote Kara Thrace!"

"That's not what I mean, and you know it!"

"That doesn't mean it's not true," Dee said. "And you're not listening because when it comes to Starbuck, you've got a giant blind spot that keeps you from seeing anything resembling the truth."

Lee stared at her. "I don't need this," he said. He grabbed his jacket. "I'm going out. Maybe by the time I get back you'll have gotten your head out of your ass."

"Maybe you'll manage to pull your own out while you're gone," Dee snarled.

Lee glared at her and stormed out, slamming the hatch behind him. Dee picked up the binder and threw it at the closed hatch. It fell open, the pages fluttering as it landed under an air vent.

"Frak it."

She was starting to wonder if this was ever going to get any easier.

***

"All in," Dee scowled, pushing her cubits across the grating of the walkway.

Noel downed a shot. "I'll call you."

"I'm folding," Louis said, studying his cards as he sat cross-legged, resting his chin on his hand.

"Me, too," Felix agreed.

"Yeah, well, I'm feeling lucky," Noel said. "Not that I should. Show 'em, Dee." Dee laid down her cards, and Noel snorted with superiority. "Told ya. Not that- hey! Watch where you're walking!"

"Play in the rec room like everyone else!" the Marine shot back.

"Bastard," Noel muttered. The four of them were sitting crammed into a corner of the floor, because Louis wasn't supposed to be around smoke.

"You're in a good mood," Louis observed.

"Yeah, well." Noel slammed back another shot. "You would be too, if you got passed over for a promotion by some bitch that the Admiral was playing favorites with."

Dee smirked. "Yes, and I believe he made my life a living hell for the eight months that I was his XO." Felix snorted, and Louis ignored her spectacularly. She cocked her head at Narcho. "You know about the promotion?"

"Of course I know about it," Noel grumbled. "It was _Starbuck._ If the Admiral didn't strip Mort's pins off his warm corpse and put them on her collar, they must have been considering someone else, too. And I'm next in line." He eyed her. "I take it I was right."

Dee nodded, sipping her drink. "You were."

"Did you talk to Lee?"

"Oh, yes." Dee knocked back the rest of her drink. "We had some fantastic words about it, where Lee accused _me_ of playing favorites and meddling in things I should keep my nose out of and covering up that I was really upset about the whole… baby thing."

Silence.

"What?" Dee demanded, looking around at all three of them. "Look, this is not about me! And if any of you think I was going to argue for Starbuck to be a squadron leader over Noel…"

"All right," Felix conceded, "that's fair enough."

"But?" Dee asked him.

Felix sighed, and looked at Louis and Noel for support. "Dee," he said cautiously, "I'm not saying that it was about the baby. But maybe you really should talk to someone. I mean, someone who knows what to say back."

"Shut the frak up, Felix. If we're going to start recommending counseling to each other…" Dee cut herself off before she could say something she regretted. "I'm sorry," she said, once she got herself back under control, and Felix nodded stiffly. She rubbed her head. "Maybe you guys are right," she said finally.

"Of course we are," Noel said carelessly, shuffling and dealing the next hand. "So, give me the details. Exactly _why_ was I passed over for the squadron leader again?"

***

Dee took a deep breath, and then turned around and walked away. She got three steps before Louis grabbed her arm and pulled her back. "Come on," he said. "It's not the lion's den."

"It feels like it."

"Dee, what are you expecting in there?"

"Tears, wailing, and _hello, my name is Dee and I'm a pregnancy loss survivor._"

"It's not like that," Louis said, rolling his eyes. He tightened his grip on Dee's arm and pulled the door open, yanking Dee inside.

The group looked up, and the very first thing that registered was that Helo was sitting in the room. "What…" she began softly, and then it registered as she saw Athena sitting next to him. Of _course_ Helo would support his wife.

Ishay smiled at her. "Dee," she said warmly. "Do you want to join us?" She looked up, and then did a double take as she saw Louis. "I thought Major Adama would…."

"Dee was more comfortable with me," Louis explained. "If you want me to go…."

"Whatever Dee wants," Ishay said.

Dee looked around the room. There were ten women and three men, most of whom she didn't know or didn't know well, although she noticed that Seelix was sitting in one of the chairs, and was clutching a tissue. But although the chairs were in a circle, it didn't look… well, Dee wasn't sure she knew exactly what she'd pictured anymore.

"Stay," she whispered to Louis as she sat in one of the empty chairs. "Just this time."

"All right." He sat down beside her.

There was no pressure to speak, and Dee just quietly listened through the whole thing. But when Helo began to talk about how he was coping with losing Hera, she began to cry.

Louis reached out and laced his fingers through hers.

***

"Did you go to the group?" Lee asked her.

"Yes."

"How was it?"

"It was fine."

"Are you going back?"

"Yes."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Lee asked.

Dee looked at him, and remembered Helo talking, his soul stripped bare. She tried to imagine Lee like that, and her heart broke.

"No," she said, forcing a smile. "I'll keep going alone."  



	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some suspicions are best left unconfirmed.

"Are you going to the Dance tonight?" Louis asked as they ran through the halls.

"Of course," Dee said. "You?"

"On duty. Truth be told, I'm not that big a fan of boxing, and Cottle wouldn't let me fight anyway." He wiped his forehead on his tanks. "Not that I'd try. I think the nice, calm, quiet CIC will suit me more tonight. Besides, with you and Helo at the Dance and Felix keeping book, if Adama leaves, the bridge is all mine." He grinned. "I'll take power over getting my ass kicked any day."

"You sound like Noel."

"I'm not _that_ bad."

"Make a hole!" Dee ordered, and they jogged through a group of Marines. "You just don't want to go to the Dance because you're afraid if you put your tags in, I'd call you out and kick your ass in front of everyone."

"You couldn't kick my ass if you tried." Louis began to speed up a little.

"Oh, I so could," Dee laughed, keeping pace with him. "If we got into that ring together, you'd be flat on your back in seconds."

Louis looked around to make sure no one was paying attention, and then looked back at Dee with wide, innocent eyes. "You'd hit a cancer patient?"

"Don't give me that!" Dee said. "You've been in remission for a month!"

"But it was a long, hard battle," Louis said sanctimoniously, or as best as he could manage while panting for breath, "and I'm still recovering. This is the first time I've had the energy to go running."

"And I'm kicking your ass," Dee said.

Louis sped up a little more. "Are not."

Dee grinned. "Are too."

"You couldn't if you tried."

"Oh, I so could."

"Right. First one to CIC wins." And with that, Louis extended his stride and took off.

They were at the opposite end of the ship from the CIC, and Dee smiled at the challenge. She picked up her own pace, trailing Louis just slightly, letting him cut through the knots of people here and there and using the holes he made.

It felt good to run like this. Dee wasn't a runner at heart, but every now and then she could let the endorphins lift her up and take her away, out of the stale, recirculated air and the grays and blues of _Galactica_ life. She could forget the Cylons for a minute, forget last night's fight with Lee and the fact they hadn't had sex in over a week. She could forget the baby, forget the support group, forget the CIC. Forget the dark marks under Felix's eyes, forget the way her heart jumped into her throat every time Noel and Lee took to their Vipers, forget the way they all still exchanged worried glances when Louis went to bed extremely early or said he had a headache. She pounded through the halls, glorying in the speed and the currents of air on her face.

Louis looked back at her over his shoulder, challenging her. Dee picked up the pace. They pelted down the halls, past the mess, past a group of pilots and a squadron of Marines, past people hauling laundry, people with equipment, people talking and laughing and arguing. They rounded the corner in a dead heat, flying by Tigh and Adama.

"You'd better be on duty in a half hour, Lieutenant Hoshi!" Tigh yelled after them.

"Aye, sir!" Louis shouted back, but his breath was coming hard. He and Dee whipped around another corner. Dee hit the CIC door a second before Louis did. "Ha!" she said, bending over, her hands on her knees as she panted for breath. "Told you."

"Only because you cheated," he accused. He grabbed her around the waist. "Back there." He scooped her up and tossed her over his shoulder, and Dee shrieked.

"Lieutenants," a very familiar, very superior voice said.

Louis snapped to attention. "Admiral."

"Are you forgetting something, Lieutenant Hoshi?" Adama asked, amused. Belatedly, Louis eased Dee off his shoulder. He set her down, but the blood had gone to her head and Dee lost her balance, landing on her ass with a thump.

Tigh rolled his good eye. "We're not having a bridge bunny fight at the dance tonight, are we?" he demanded. "Because I'll be frakked before I want to watch you two pulling each others' hair."

"I'm on duty tonight, sir," Louis said quickly. Dee looked at him. It was amazing- she didn't think she'd ever meet anyone with Felix's ability to slip in and out of a professional demeanor so thoroughly, but Louis was just as good at it was Felix was.

Tigh noticed it, too. "Well, good," he grunted, eyeing Louis up and down.

Adama chuckled. "Actually, Saul, I think it would be one hell of a fight." He turned back to Dee and Louis. "Mr. Hoshi. Report to me ten minutes before your shift begins. There are a few things I want to go over with you."

"Aye, sir." Louis glanced at his watch. "If you don't mind…"

"Go."

Both Tigh and Adama watched him jog off. Tigh turned back to Dee first. "I take it you're not trying to flush Mr. Hoshi out of an airlock anymore."

Dee winced at his phrasing, and out of the corner of her eye she saw Adama do the same. "No, sir," she said to Tigh. "That's sorted."

"Huh. Good." Tigh turned back to Adama. "You coming down?"

"I'll be there. I want to see how Hoshi does with the bridge for a whole watch."

It had occurred to Dee, back when the Cylons had found them right after she'd gotten out of sickbay, that Adama was subtly sizing up his junior officers, testing them for command. She'd had several opportunities herself, moments here and there where she technically should not have had the deck. But this was the first she'd heard Adama speak of it, and the first time she was aware he was watching Louis as intently as he was watching herself and Felix.

"I'd better get down there as well," Tigh said. He nodded to them both and left. Dee stood awkwardly for a moment.

"Is the Colonel coming back to the CIC soon, sir?" she asked.

"I imagine so," Adama said. "It's not something you can rush." He glanced at her significantly. "Recovery rarely is."

"Right, sir," Dee said, lifting her chin slightly.

Adama sighed heavily. "Dee, there's something else I've been meaning to talk to you about," he said. "Walk with me." Dee fell into step beside him, baffled by the grave, uncertain look on the Admiral's face. They walked through a few corridors until they arrived at his study. He held the door open for her.

"Have a seat," he ordered when they entered. Dee obeyed and looked at him inquisitively. Adama sighed and rubbed his forehead. "I wasn't sure if I should talk to you or to Lee about this, but you're the one I need in the CIC, and you're the one with the clearance."

"Sir?" Dee asked, mystified. Adama looked genuinely uncomfortable.

"This isn't an order I like to give," Adama said. "I don't like to meddle this much in my crew's personal lives, and I also have a vested interest in this one. But I think we need to be clear on it." He cleared his throat and picked up a pen, looking down at the paper on his desk. "Cottle tells me that a woman who's suffered an ectopic pregnancy can try again for a baby after three months. He also tells me that while Lieutenant Hoshi is in remission, there's a significant chance the cancer could return. Hoshi himself tells me that he doesn't consider himself truly in remission until six months have gone by, after which the chance of the cancer returning drops dramatically."

Dee saw where he was going. "You want me to put off getting pregnant until Hoshi's officially in remission, sir? Is that what you're saying?"

"Yeah, that's what I'm saying." Adama looked up. "I can run the CIC without either of you. It's a hell of a lot easier if I don't have to. As much as I'd like that grandchild," he flashed a little half-grin, "it's something that has to wait."

"Unless we find Earth, first," Dee said.

Adama blinked. "Right," he said. "Unless we find Earth, first."

"Yes, sir."

"All right. You're dismissed. I'll see you at the Dance."

Dee left the study, and as she did, she wondered why the Admiral's order didn't hurt at all.

***

The Dance was savage. Dee was enjoying it immensely, especially when she won a few cubits betting on Noel in a bout against one of the other pilots.

That all evaporated when Kara called Lee up to the ring.

***

Dee didn't want to go back to her quarters, but she wasn't sure where else to go. And sure enough, when she went back, the room was empty.

She sat down on the bed, her hands falling uselessly into her lap. Her stomach was twisted into knots, because she honestly didn't know what was going to happen when Lee walked in that door tonight. Because that fight with Kara… she'd seen a lot of fights tonight, but nothing remotely that passionate. And none of them ended with a long embrace, either.

_You're overreacting_, she told herself. _You're overreacting._ But at the same time, she'd seen Anders's face, too, and the look of naked sympathy on Felix's face. She didn't know which one was real.

It was late when he came back. He was clean, with a small bandage on a cut on his cheek, his hair still damp from the shower. He opened the hatch quietly, spotted her, and then entered with an air of overcompensated confidence.

"Sorry I'm late," he said, dropping a kiss on her hair. "I went and saw Cottle."

"I see," Dee said. Her voice came out frosty, and she couldn't look up at him.

Lee sighed heavily. "All right," he said. "What is it?"

"Nothing," Dee tried.

"No, something's bothering you. I did something wrong tonight, didn't I? Let me guess. I fought Helo?" Dee gave him a dirty look. "No, it has nothing to do with Helo then. Which is just as well, since Helo beat the shit out of me."

Dee sighed. "Maybe we should just go to bed."

"No. No, you've got something to say, Dee. Let's hear it."

"Lee-"

"Kara." Lee clapped his hands down on the table, rolling his eyes and then turning away.

"I didn't say anything about Kara," Dee said, biting each word out.

"Yeah, but you were thinking it, weren't you?"

"No, I wasn't. Should I be, after watching the two of you beat the shit out of each other?" Dee arched her eyebrows.

"That's right," Lee agreed, "we beat the shit out of each other." He sighed. "I'm going to bed."

"I'm coming, too." Dee stood up. Lee turned around and looked at her like she was trailing him, but Dee met his eyes evenly. He shrugged, and then pulled off his clothing and slipped into bed. Dee climbed in after him.

They lay side by side, not touching at all.

***

"I'm sorry," Lee said the next morning, easing his sore body out of bed. "I really bit your head off last night."

"I'm sorry, too," Dee apologized. "I guess it did seem kind of accusing."

"Let's just forget it, all right?" Lee asked. "The whole thing was just strange."

Dee nodded enthusiastically.

***

"Are things okay with Lee?" Felix asked her two days later.

"Yeah, everything's fine," Dee said. Felix looked skeptical. "What?"

"Nothing. Just… I saw the look on your face when you were watching him and Kara fight at the Dance."

"I overreacted," Dee said lightly. After all, Lee had been quite attentive the past two days, not acting like anything had changed. So why should she believe it had?

"Yeah," Felix said. "That's what I used to say when Gaius brought home interns."

"Lee is not like Baltar, Felix. He's capable of thinking with more than his dick."

Felix shrugged. "You said yourself he had a thing for Kara."

Dee sighed. "It's been a long time. But more than that, we're _married_ now. I can believe a lot of things about Lee Adama, but that he'd break a vow that he made? No. That's not Lee."

"You really believe in him, don't you?" Felix asked.

"Of course," Dee said stoically. "If I can't believe in my own husband, what can I believe in?"

"Good question," Felix agreed. "I just hope you're right."

"I am," Dee insisted, ignoring the little voice that said, _yeah, me too._

***

"I see the guys were here again tonight," Lee said dryly, as Dee picked up the glasses.

"You know, you're welcome to join us," Dee offered, yet again.

Lee shook his head. "Sorry. They're good guys, Dee, but I don't have much in common with them."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, for starters, when I eat with the four of you in the mess, I'm the only one who doesn't turn their head when a good-looking guy walks by."

Dee giggled. "I guess not. What else?"

"No offense, and maybe he's not like this around you, but Narcho's a bit of an ass."

"He is around the pilots," Dee agreed. "He's more toned down when he's not."

"But I'm a pilot," Lee pointed out.

"I see your point. But what about Felix? You two have a lot in common. Starting," Dee said dryly, "with your affection for a certain Sagittaron politician."

Lee snorted. "I wouldn't say I have any affection for Tom Zarek. I just understand him, and sometimes- on occasion- he _is_ right. But come on, Dee, Gaeta and I are nothing alike. He's military, through and through. I don't care that he was in the civilian government on New Caprica- he's still a true soldier."

"So are you." Lee smiled indulgently, but didn't answer. "Louis? I seem to remember you arguing he was a good guy."

"And he is. They're all good guys, Dee, but they just aren't my kind of people. Besides," he said, sitting on the bed and grinning mischievously, "I have a bit of a secret project going."

"A secret project?"

"A long time ago, I promised the pilots if we ever found Earth- or even some habitable rock- I'd build them a bar. I didn't on New Caprica, but…" he looked at the table where Dee had been sitting earlier with her friends. "It's good for people to have a place to congregate, blow off some steam."

"It is." Dee laughed. "Oddly enough, I was never a fan of bars."

"No?" Lee asked.

"Noise, smoke, and rude people spilling drinks on you was never my idea of a good time," Dee admitted.

"Yeah," Lee said, and there might have been a stiffness in his voice. "Well, it keeps me busy, at any rate."

There was something plaintive in his voice, and Dee smiled understandingly. "I'm glad," she said. She put down the glasses and went over to the bed, and Lee draped his arm around her waist. "You know," she said, setting across his lap, "there are things that both of us agree are fun."

"Oh yeah?" Lee asked, raising his eyebrows. "Like what?"

Dee kissed him. He hesitated for a moment, and then kissed her back. It was tentative and gentle, like their sex had been a lot ever since the pregnancy, but soon enough it wasn't. And Dee was right- it _was_ fun.

They lay together afterwards, not talking much. But the silence didn't feel strained; instead, it was companionable. Sex and its aftermath hadn't felt this good in a long, long time. Dee stretched, contented. Things were finally getting back to where they should be.

***

"Look," Dee said, trying to keep her patience as she shoved the schematics in front of Louis two weeks later. "I just don't see why we can't reroute the auxiliary power from the main-"

"Because," Louis said with exaggerated patience, "this capacitor here," he jabbed at a symbol with a long finger, "won't take it."

"But if we-"

"Dee, it's just not possible, okay?"

"But you're not listening to what I'm saying!"

"I don't need to! I see it here on the paper, plain as day!"

Dee bit her lip. She and Louis had been getting on so well recently that sometimes it was hard to remember how Louis got when he was convinced he was right. And right now, Dee was about ready to tear her hair out… or his. She glared at him, uncharitably thinking of what an improvement it would be. His close crop was growing out again, and it looked absolutely _terrible_.

"Make a hole!" someone shouted.

Both Dee and Louis stepped back, and Lee and Kara ran by. They were racing, judging by Kara's delighted squeals and the way they were laughing. Dee watched them sourly, and tried to ignore the shaft of fear that shot through her.

"He's making a total fool of himself," she said, as Lee chased Kara through the halls.

"We go running together three times a week," Louis pointed out. "I seem to remember picking you up outside the CIC." Dee glared at him. "What?" Louis asked. "I'm just saying… oh, never mind. You aren't going to listen to a word I say. You haven't been all day."

"What's gotten into you?"

"Nothing." Louis stuffed the schematics back into his folder. "I actually honestly meant what I said. Some people do, you know."

"Frak off, Louis," Dee said crossly.

"Now that's the best idea you've had all day." He glanced at his watch. "I'm due with the Admiral anyway."

"Well tell him we need to reroute the-" Dee would have continued, but Louis was walking away, and he waved his hand dismissively at her. "Right," Dee said, watching him go. She sighed irritably and walked back down the hall, the opposite direction.

She tried not to think about how Lee and Kara had been laughing. The only reason she noticed it was because it contrasted so sharply with her own bad mood.

After all, marriage was all about trust.

***

"I heard a strange thing today," she told Lee that night as he folded the laundry.

"Yeah?"

"Seelix told me that the rumors that you and Kara are frakking started up again."

Lee laughed, although his laughter seemed fake. Was it her imagination? "Well, considering today I heard that you and _Hoshi_ got caught in the head…."

"Me and _Hoshi?_" Dee laughed. "Who told you that?"

"That would be your friend Narcho."

Dee sighed. "I told him not to do that."

Lee paused in folding a shirt and looked over at where she was sitting on the bed. "You _know_ about this?"

"Noel's trying to up the stakes," Dee said, rolling her eyes. "He's got money on Felix and Louis getting together."

Lee shrugged in that careless way he had that meant he really wasn't all that interested. "Well, that proves right there how crazy the rumor mill is," he said. "When I heard that one about you and Hoshi, I laughed. Because I know you, and I know that I can trust you. Even if you and Hoshi _have_ been spending a lot of time together. Even if you won't tell me what half your conversations are about. I love you and I trust you, so I don't ask." But he looked at her expectantly.

Dee stared at him open-mouthed. "I don't believe you," she said. "That's exactly what you're doing right now, isn't it? You're asking me if there's something going on between me and Hoshi?"

"Well, isn't that what you were doing when we started this conversation?" Lee shot back. "Trying to ask without asking if there's something going on between me and Kara?"

Guilt flooded her, but she held her ground. "There's nothing going on with me and Louis," she said evenly.

"And there's nothing going on with me and Kara," he said, looking angry.

"Good."

"Good." He shoved the last tank into the drawer. "So next time your insecurities are acting up, just come out and ask me, okay?"

"Fine."

Lee sighed heavily. "Let's just forget it, okay, Dee?"

"Fine."

Lee shook his head and finished putting his laundry away, and then sat down to work on his pilot rotation. Dee watched him for a moment, and tried to tell herself that forgetting it was exactly what she should do.

So why couldn't she?

***

It turned out that even if Dee couldn't forget the rumors about her husband and Kara, she didn't have time to actually _think_ about them. Not after the food supply was contaminated, and the rations dwindled down to nothing.

"They're sending you all through the star cluster?" Louis said, drinking a glass of water like it would help. "You're kidding."

"You heard the plan, Louis," Felix said crossly. "Stop asking the same question."

"Yeah, I really don't need it rubbed in," Noel groused. "It's not like I _want_ to do this. But if there's food on the other side… I mean, right now, even algae sounds good."

"It's insane," Louis said. "Radiation is just… tell you what. I'll fly for you."

"You don't have wings, Louis," Dee reminded him. Her stomach was cramping and she felt weak, but there wasn't anything she could do about it. And if these three idiots would just _shut up_ about it, it would make it much easier.

"They should send me," Louis mumbled, sitting back. "What's the radiation going to do? Give me cancer?"

Noel smacked him in the back of the head. "First of all, asshole, you're in remission. Secondly, don't frakking joke about it right now, okay?"

"It's been a bad enough week between the food situation and Tigh coming back to the CIC," Felix agreed, his chin resting on his crossed arms. He glared at Louis. "And don't think I didn't see you clapping," he said crossly.

"Felix, the guy is my superior officer, and I'm not supposed to know about the Circle," Louis snapped. "Lay off, all right?"

"Circle?" Noel said.

"It's nothing," Felix said, right as Dee said, "Don't worry about it." Noel shook his head.

"Gods, we need to eat. But if we resort to cannibalism, I vote we eat Felix first."

It was a sign of how hungry and tired they all were that no one kicked Noel under the table. Dee sighed and pushed herself to her feet. "I've got to go play tour guide," she said. "Don't eat each other while I'm gone."

She walked down the corridor and saw Lee. He was in his flight suit and talking to Kara, their heads close together and urgent. But when Dee approached, all she heard was talk about stims and coordinates and radiation and throttles.

Hungry and tired. That's what they all were, and it was bringing out the worst in everyone, including her. She told herself not to be paranoid and continued on to her job.

***

"You're heading up the algae supply mission," the Admiral informed Lee. "I've got some Marines and one of Tyrol's crews down there right now, but they're not organized. They're just getting us started as fast as they can."

"Yes, sir," Lee said. Dee studied him. It wasn't a typical assignment for a CAG, dealing with a planet-side mission. She would have expected Adama to put Helo or Tyrol himself in charge. But Lee actually seemed pleased at the idea.

"Dee will be your second," Adama continued.

Lee stiffened, barely glancing at Dee. "Sir, that's not really necessary."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we don't really know what's down there on that planet," Lee said. "I'd rather Dee stayed where it's safe. After all…"

Adama glowered at Lee, and Lee subsided into silence. "She's a soldier," he reminded Lee, and Dee lifted her chin and met the Old Man's gaze proudly. "Besides, with all the radiation, the equipment is really giving us some flack. You need someone who knows communications."

"So, send Hoshi. Not my _wife_," Lee said.

"Hoshi's not an option," Tigh growled. "You'll take it and like it, Major."

Adama clapped Lee on the arm. "Look at it this way, you never got a chance for a honeymoon. Beautiful planet, lots of blue sky and green scenery…"

"If pumping algae qualifies as your idea of romance, sir," Lee began with a smile, and even Tigh chuckled at that.

"You're dismissed," Adama informed them both.

***

"I don't get it," Lee complained as they made their way back to their own quarters. "Why you?"

"Why not?" Dee asked, annoyed. "I was your XO on the _Pegasus_."

"They'll need you up here on the ship."

"Why is this such an issue for you?" Dee asked, stopping suddenly. "It's a good command opportunity for me, and it's a chance where we might actually spend a little time together. Granted, an algae planet isn't exactly what I had in mind, but still."

Lee sighed and turned to face her, rubbing her arm. "You've been through enough already. I just don't want anything to happen to you," he said. "And I can't shake the feeling that this planet is bad news." He patted her shoulder. "I'm going to go start getting my rosters ready," he said.

"Yeah, bad news is right," Dee said, watching him go. She wished she wasn't thinking there was another reason Lee didn't want her to go.

***

"This stuff is disgusting," Noel said, chewing it thoroughly. "But it's still the best frakking thing I ever ate in my life."

"No kidding," Felix forked over another blob, and then looked around the quarters. "Where's Lee, Dee?"

"Talking to the squadron leaders," Dee said. "He's got a lot to do before we leave tomorrow morning." Felix and Noel exchanged glances, and Louis didn't look up from his bowl. Dee ignored them. "I'm glad we were able to eat in here," she said. "The mess hall was packed."

"Yeah," Noel said carelessly. "Kind of like right after New Caprica."

Felix winced and glared at Noel. Louis rubbed his shoulder gently, and Noel watched them, chewing idly.

"What?" Louis demanded.

"You two _are_ frakking each other, aren't you?"

Felix blushed, but Louis met Noel's gaze evenly. "What of it?" he said finally.

"I'm just not understanding why you're acting like it's some big secret."

Felix was the one who spoke up. "Because the minute the rumor mill gets a hold of it, then there are expectations, and it becomes more than occasional sex between friends."

"Yeah, well, it _is_ obviously more," Noel said, chewing laconically now.

"It's not," Louis insisted. "Not yet." Felix looked down at his bowl.

"What are you waiting for?" Noel demanded.

"The six month mark." Louis's eyes narrowed. "For a damn good reason." The tone of his voice was so frosty that Dee looked down at her own plate, and Noel even shut his mouth. Dee glanced up at him, and noticed that Noel's lips were pressed together so hard that the skin was turning white at the corners of his mouth.

Felix cleared his throat. "So the Old Man is sending you down as Lee's second in command," he said to Dee. "That's big."

"I guess," Dee said, shrugging. "Lee's not happy about it, though. He was campaigning for Louis."

"For me?" Louis asked. "_Why?_"

"No offense, but that's what I was wondering, too," Dee said sourly. "He kept going on about it being too _dangerous._ What a load of shit."

Felix seemed very interested in his plate, and Noel cleared his throat and opened his mouth. "_Don't_ say it," Dee warned. "I know you're thinking it's a great chance for some privacy, but don't say it."

Noel broke the silence. "The thing is, Dee," he said slowly, "I'm not saying that I have, but if I heard something… would you want to know?"

"No. Not if you heard anything, Mr. I-heard-Hoshi-and-Dee-were-caught-in-the-h&lt;!--&lt;wbr&gt;\--&gt;&lt;!--&lt;/wbr&gt;\--&gt;ead." She fixed him with a stern glare, and Noel had the grace to flush. But he wouldn't be deterred.

"What if it wasn't a rumor, though?" Noel asked. "What if I knew for sure? I don't," he added hastily.

Dee twirled her fork in her hands, looking from Felix to Louis. The air was charged with pain, and Dee wondered what was possessing them to have this conversation. Felix was still trying to eat, chewing mechanically, but Louis had given up any pretense of it and was off into the distance, his face blank. "If you knew for sure? If you saw something with your own eyes?" she asked, trying to think, and then she sighed. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd want to know. I don't know what I'd do about it, but I'd want to know."

The four of them sat in silence. "I guess it's a good thing no one's speaking?" Dee said, when the oppressive atmosphere got too much to bear.

Felix stood up. "I think I've had enough," he said. "I need to get to the lab to take a look at some samples that Tyrol shipped up." He paused, and then leaned down and kissed Louis on the cheek. Louis closed his eyes, but other than that he didn't react.

Noel stood up as well. "I guess I should get going as well," he said. "I was hoping that now that we all have something in our stomachs we could get rip roaring drunk tonight, but something tells me that wouldn't be much fun." He grabbed his dishes and followed Felix out of the hatch.

Dee studied Hoshi. He'd picked up his fork again. "Are you all right?" she asked cautiously.

"Fine," Louis said, stabbing the fork into the bowl. "Just fine."

"Are you okay with this?"

"It's not anything I need to be okay with. It's your life, Dee."

"No, I'm changing the subject. Sorry, I should have been more clear. Are you okay with me getting this assignment over you?"

Louis made a face. "Well, no, because the reason I'm not getting it is because of Cottle. It's too physical for me right now. I can't say I really like the fact I'm still dealing with the cancer, even if it's technically in remission."

"And if it wasn't?"

Louis shrugged. "It's different this time, Dee. Don't beat yourself up over it."

"So you've forgiven me for being XO on the _Pegasus_?"

"I didn't say that," Louis said, but he flashed a tiny smile. "I'll concede that you didn't intentionally sleep your way into the position, and yes, you did a good job. We wouldn't be sitting here together right now if you hadn't. But yes, I still think I should have had the position from the start." He shrugged again. "But maybe it's not your fault."

"Gee. Thanks."

"And yes, for the record, I'm horribly jealous that you're getting to go instead of me. But at least this time there's a reason, and as much as I'd like to, I can't change it. Besides," he sighed, taking another forkful, "I have a feeling this mission is going to be bad news for you."

"Funny," Dee said, although it really wasn't. "That's exactly what Lee said, too."

***

The planet was hot, humid, and muddy. Dee stepped off the Raptor and had to take several deep breaths as the atmosphere assaulted her lungs. The stench didn't help, either. Lee stepped off beside her, looking around. "Looks like they've got a good start," he said.

Tyrol's crews were moving around in the valley below them, sucking up the algae with a giant tube. It was alarming how much the finished product looked like the raw stuff. "And there's nothing else edible on this planet?" she asked Lee. "No wildlife? No berries or root vegetation?"

"Nothing that's going to feed an entire fleet," Tyrol said, approaching them. "Major. Lieutenant." He saluted. "The wildlife we've spotted so far has been small. We don't have the resources to do any large scale fishing, and with the Cylons still looking for us, we don't have time to do anything else but get as much of this crap as we can off the planet."

Lee sighed. "Good answer," he said. "Not my favorite, but good answer." He looked around. "Well, let's go get started."

Tyrol grinned at them. "We already are."

***

To Dee's surprise, despite the oppressive heat, the humidity, the little blood-sucking insects that left itchy welts, and the horrible stench, she liked this assignment. Oddly enough, it reminded her of basic, when she'd first been so full of fire for the military ideals, and so determined to serve and protect. Not that she didn't still feel that way, but this was more the kind of mission the television commercials had promised.

"What I don't get," Cally sighed as she and Dee eased a pipe into yet another swath of algae, "is why this has to be a military mission. Unless the squirrels are organizing themselves for a ruthless attack, it seems sort of overkill, doesn't it? Let some of the civvies do the dirty work for a change."

"Hey!" Sam Anders put in from over by the pump. "Some of us _are_ civvies."

Dee laughed. "At least we got first dibs," she pointed out. "It may taste like swamp rot, but I won't complain that my stomach's full again."

Cally sighed, deftly attaching a connection. "You know what the worst of it is?" she asked. "This is going to be all of it. Algae, morning, noon, and night. Algae bars, algae meatloaf, mashed algae…"

"Steamed algae," Anders picked up. "Roasted algae, algae casserole, algae a la king…."

"Algae soup!" Cally continued gleefully. "Algae fricassee, algae sauté, algae puffs, algae soufflé…"

"I think you need eggs to make a soufflé," Dee said.

Anders ignored that. "What about deep-fried algae?" he asked Cally. "Or algae melts? Prime roast algaeloaf, sliced thin, served on algae bread with an algae cheese melted on top."

"And dried algae chips on the side?"

"Pickled algae!"

Cally was giggling so hard that she could barely talk. Anders was laughing and smiling, and even Dee couldn't help it. She started to laugh as well. But she couldn't look straight at Anders, and she couldn't help noticing he didn't meet her eyes, either.

"What's the joke?" Lee said, appearing behind Anders.

Anders looked over his shoulder. "Nothing, Major," he said casually. "Cally, I think I've got this sucker ready to go."

"Well, flip it on, then."

Anders flipped a switch and the operation roared to life. The noise of it made it impossible to talk, and Dee found herself watching Lee, even as she held the heavy tube steady. Lee was standing next to Anders, but just a shade too far from where he should have been for comfortable conversation. And Anders seemed far too interested in the workings of the pump.

He'd heard the same rumors, too, then.

Anders looked up and caught her staring, and gave her a tiny smile that conveyed a world of understanding, and a little solidarity.

She smiled back.

***

"Dee. Can you give me a hand here?"

Dee climbed up the hill, where Anders was struggling with a long length of hose section. "Sure," she said. "What do you need?"

"Just a second pair of hands," Anders said. "If we're gonna get this moved, it would be a lot easier if this hose was coiled. But every time I try…" he gestured to where the hose kinked.

"No problem," Dee said, and bent to the work.

They made short work of it, with Dee unraveling the hose as Anders coiled it. "Thanks," Anders said. He stood up, stretching out his back. "Hell of a mission, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Dee agreed. She stood next to him, and they surveyed the small camp set up below them, the green planet, and the sheer bluffs that surrounded them. "You know," Dee sighed, "it's not a bad little planet."

"If you can get away from the stench," Anders agreed. "Too bad the Cylons would find us."

"I'm almost surprised they haven't already. That's just how our luck goes."

"Yeah."

They looked at each other, and Anders clapped a hand on Dee's shoulder for a moment. His hand was strong and firm, heavily callused with dirty bitten fingernails. "What would you do if we didn't have to run, though?" he asked, his hand falling back to his side. "If we were staying here, and the threat of the Cylons was gone?"

"Last time I got married. And I stayed on the _Pegasus_," Dee mused.

"Yeah?"

"I don't know if I'd stay there again."

Anders gave her a half-grin. "I would," he admitted.

"You'd stay?"

"Frak, yeah. Sometimes, things are important. And walking away from them just hurts more than it does to stay with it."

"You think?" Dee asked.

"Yeah. I do."

They were both silent, but the silence was companionable as they surveyed the planet. At least, it was until a motion caught Dee's eye. Lee and Kara were running towards the base camp. Dee grabbed Anders's wrist.

"Oh, frak," she said, pointing to them. "There's no way that can be good."

***

After the briefing, Dee hustled to catch up with the pilot walking away. "Starbuck! Starbuck! _Captain Thrace!_"

Starbuck turned, a slightly mocking smile on her face and a shifty look in her eye. "What do you want, Lieutenant?" she asked.

"Do you have a problem with something I said?" Dee demanded.

Kara's eyebrow cocked up. "I have a problem with a jumped up NCO telling me how to fly recon, yes."

"And it didn't occur to you that, in a roomful of civilians, it just _might_ be a good idea to be explicit about what everyone's supposed to be doing?" Dee demanded.

Kara looked at her, and then burst out laughing. "You and Sam should get along great," she said. "Yeah, I've got a problem with it. The frakking civvies don't have to know every move I make, and it only wastes time."

"Well, until _you're_ in command here, you will keep your mouth shut while I'm giving orders. Is that clear, Captain?"

"Crystal, Lieutenant. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go prep my Raptor." She turned on her heel and stalked off.

The fire of combat filled Dee, and for once she was glad that Louis had been such a pain in the ass on the _Pegasus_. Kara might think she was a hard case, but she wasn't half the bitch that Louis could be. Smiling grimly, Dee turned back to the bunker to get her gun.

***

The wounded Raptor left a streak of flame and smoke across the blue sky. Dee watched it, her heart pounding.

"Starbuck's been hit! I say again, Starbuck's going down!" Dee shouted into the comm unit.

And all she could think was _Good._

***

There was no time for sentiment, and no time for anger. Dee was a soldier, and she was at war. Centurions were on this planet, had shot down Sergeant Fischer. And the fact that her own husband had ordered her to save what she suspected was his mistress…

_No_, she told herself, _can't think like that. She's a Colonial pilot, I'm the closest source of help._ She climbed over the brush towards the Raptor. She faced it, squared her shoulders, and crept towards the door.

"Starbuck? Star –" A gun appeared in her face.

Kara looked anything but happy to see her. "Dee, why the hell didn't you sing out? I almost blew you away."

"Yeah. Glad to see you too."

Dee had never wanted to kill a human more.

***

What was the appeal? she wondered as she sat by Kara, trying to repair the Raptor. The job wouldn't have been that hard if it hadn't been for the proximity of this woman. Why was Dee so threatened? It wasn't like they were anything alike. She wasn't a younger version of Dee. Although Dee was realistic enough to know that she and Lee were having a rough spot in their marriage, she couldn't honestly believe that Kara was the kind to listen and provide comfort. Their sex life had deteriorated a little since the pregnancy, but it was rebounding. All those reasons people cheated… they just weren't there.

But then, Dee thought guiltily as she twisted a pair of wires together, Billy had been everything she'd thought she wanted, too. And it wasn't like Lee was smarter or more compassionate. It had been something undeniable that had drawn her to Lee over Billy, not something that she could hold up as an example.

Frak.

Kara convulsed with pain. Dee checked the kit and gave her a morpha shot, hard, in the leg. Gods, that felt good. "There's only one left," she told her. "Better save it for when you fly us out of here."

"I can't fly," Kara gasped. "Especially all whacked up on morpha."

"Well, that's just frakkin' great."

"He won't cheat," Kara said suddenly, looking loopy. "He's too honorable."

_He's too honorable_ implied opportunity. It implied desire. And it implied duty. Dee couldn't bear to think about it, especially not now. Not with her own life at stake, not with her _job_ at stake. But she couldn't resist biting off, "Unlike you."

"Yeah, unlike me," Kara agreed. " I love Sam, I hate Sam. I love Lee, I hate Lee. Gods, I have to cheat just to keep the pieces all nice and neat."

Kara started to drift off, and Dee didn't pretend there was a great deal of pleasure in slapping her into consciousness. "Stay with it," she ordered. "You've still got to walk me through these avionics." She glared at Kara. "And not one more word about Lee or Sam, got it?"

Kara nodded.

What was annoying, Dee thought, was that even high on morpha, Kara could explain this. It helped that Dee was a quick study and understood much of it already, but the nagging traitor voice in her head muttered that maybe they could have made a decent team. She pictured Lee watching them, grinning with pride, and the image only made her more furious.

"That's it," she said, clicking on the Raptor. That much she knew how to do. "All right," she said, growling deep in her throat. "Let's get out of here."

Kara nodded, and to Dee's surprise, there was a flash of pride in her eyes. Odd, really, that Kara might feel the same way.

***

_He won't cheat. He's too honorable._

Kara's words rung in Dee's head even as Lee turned to see her standing by the Raptor, even as he came over, pulling her into his arms and kissing her, cradling her close. Too honorable to cheat.

Lee's body was pressed against hers, warm and solid, and she was fitting perfectly into his arms. They were both so relieved to see the other alive, both so grateful they'd made it off the planet in time and without any injury from the Cylon attack. And yet… he'd still ordered her to risk her life for Kara's, she'd still been told that Lee was _too honorable_ to cheat.

She tried to force it from her mind. After all, if Lee wasn't cheating, she had won.

***

The Admiral caught her on her way to the showers. "Lieutenant Dualla," he said, formally, "that was some good work that you did. Both down on the planet, and piloting the Raptor back up."

"Thank you, sir," Dee said.

Adama's smile widened. "No one could have done better," he said, and Dee's heart flared with joy at what passed for extremely high praise. He winked at her, and then saluted. She saluted back.

He walked down the hall, and she watched him for a moment. Then she headed back to the showers with a smile and a spring in her step.

***

There was a knock at the hatch, and when Dee answered it, Louis stood there, stiff and formal in his duty blues. She began to smile, but his face was deadly serious, and her smile leached away. "What is it, Louis?" she asked.

"Can I come in?"

"Of course." Dee stepped aside. Louis glanced behind him and then closed the door. There were no smiles, and Louis didn't move to sit. He stood in front of her, at attention. Dee suddenly realized this wasn't Louis- this was Lieutenant Hoshi of the _Pegasus_. "Is something wrong?" Dee asked, her heart beginning to beat faster.

Louis just swallowed, staring at the wall. "You said," he finally began, "that if any of us heard anything- direct from the source- to let you know. When Captain Thrace landed her Raptor at 0930 hours this morning, she neglected to turn off the comm unit, although I'm sure she thought she had."

Dee's heart stopped, and then lurched into a faster staccato again. "Continue," she said evenly.

"I heard Major Adama join her, and what followed was proof that they are intimately involved." Louis still wouldn't even look at Dee. "They did confirm that they have not yet actually consummated the relationship, but the Major said…" Louis cleared his throat, "Major Adama indicated interest in seeking a divorce." Dee's ears began to buzz, and Louis was blinking hard. "Captain Thrace dismissed that plan, and they were apparently left at an impasse."

Dee opened her mouth, but no words came and she closed it again. Finally, she heard herself saying, "Thank you, Lieutenant Hoshi."

He looked at her, and there was a wealth of pain and sympathy in his eyes. "Do you need anything, Lieutenant?" he asked, gentling a little. "I could get Lieutenant Gaeta."

"No. No, I'm fine. Thank you."

Louis nodded and snapped a small salute. "I'll see myself out."

The hatch clanged shut behind him.  



	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that her suspicions are confirmed, Dee has a decision to make.

"Here," Noel said, pushing the glass across the table to her. He studied his hand of cards. They'd been in the middle of one of the most boring games of Triad in history when Dee had dropped her bomb. "I'll raise two."

It was 0230 hours, and the rec room wasn't nearly as crowded as usual. Dee knew she should be asleep herself- she had duty in five and a half hours- but she just couldn't go back to the quarters she shared with Lee and face him right now. Not while her head was reeling like this.

"Hey," Louis said quietly, and Dee looked up, startled out of her own thoughts. But Louis wasn't talking to her. "How many of those have you smoked tonight?" Louis asked Felix.

"Sorry." Felix stubbed out his current cigarette, and then discarded a card. "You can always count the butts," he suggested to Louis. Louis rolled his eyes. "It's been a long day." As was evidenced by the fact that he and Dee had done serious damage on the bottle before Noel and Louis had gotten there.

"You're not the one who just got off duty," Louis was light, but he touched Felix's knee under the table. Dee watched them for a moment, and then took the drink that Noel had offered her and swallowed it down quickly. Louis raised his eyebrows at her.

"So, what are you going to do?" Felix asked, playing with a discarded cigarette butt.

"I don't know," Dee admitted. She discarded two, and drew two more, and then folded. "He wants a divorce, but he hasn't had the courtesy of telling _me_ that. He's waiting until _she's_ lined up and ready. And without her, he's not divorcing me, I guess. Frak knows he can't be bothered to discuss it with _me._" She gestured for Noel to pour her another drink, and then took a sip. "What would you do?" she asked, looking around the table.

"Apparently stand there and take it as he paraded them all through the office," Felix said bitterly, taking a drink. "What's my pride next to giving him a blow job under his desk?"

Louis moved Felix's glass out of reach. "Or you could kick the bastard out yourself," he said to Dee. "Don't wait for him to ask you for the divorce, just tell him you know and kick him out. Then you at least have your pride."

"Of course," Noel said, leaning back and swiping one of Felix's cigarettes, "neither option is that simple." He took a deep drag and immediately started coughing. "The thing is," he said through gasps for air, "not all men cheat just because their dicks feel like it."

"Oh, there's another reason?" Louis said.

"Sure, there's lots of reasons men cheat," Noel said, his eyes clashing with Louis's. "Sometimes they have greater feelings for someone else. Sometimes they feel unappreciated because their wife can't be bothered to show her how much she loves him. Sometimes they just can't admit they don't love their partner. And sometimes they feel like their partner doesn't trust them, because they can't be bothered to tell them what the frak is going through their head when they're lying in the hospital."

"Hey, wait," Felix interrupted. "This is _not_ Dee's fault."

"Not saying it's her _fault_," Noel said, still not taking his eyes off Louis. "Just saying that when you shut the person who loves you more than anything in the world out of your thoughts, you're gonna have to accept that there are consequences."

"Consequences? Cheating is a _consequence?_" Louis demanded.

"Sometimes it is," Noel snapped.

"Guys…" Dee began, because it didn't take a genius to figure out this was no longer about her and Lee. Felix was watching them both, looking something like a cat watching a game of ping pong.

"Explain to me," Louis said angrily, "how cheating would be a consequence _for Dee._"

"Who took her to her first support group meeting?" Noel said. "You, right? Who's the one that saw her cry first about it? You, right? Who's the one she leaned on after? Felix, right? Who's the one that she talks to when she's drunk and wonders what they would have named it? Me, right?"

"That is _not_ fair," Dee said. "You have no idea what it's been like watching Lee suffer through this."

"You're right. I don't. But maybe certain people should have a little more faith in their husbands that they can handle it! That frak, yeah, it hurts, but maybe some of us would have been there if you frakking let us!"

"This is not about you and me!" Louis said, his voice rising. "Don't you _dare_ make this about us!"

"It sure as hell is about us!" Noel shouted back. "You don't think the exact same thing is happening here?"

Conversations stopped, and the whole rec room was watching their table. Louis wasn't noticing. "What was his name, then, Noel?"

"What?"

"The guy you cheated on me with. What was his name? Because I'll tell you, Lee is sure as frak going to remember what Kara's name is, and for the rest of his frakking life! It is _not_ the same thing, and don't you dare blame this on her! Or ME!"

"I am not blaming this on you!"

"You are!"

"No, I'm blaming you and me on you! Because it has never once occurred to you that if you had just frakking told me about the-" Before Noel could finish, Felix's fist met his face.

"Yes!" one of the pilots shouted. But Noel just rubbed his cheek and stared at Felix.

"Don't say it," Felix growled. "Not in here. If you two want to finish this fight, take it someplace else. Got it?" He straightened up into military posture, all commanding lieutenant.

"Come on," Noel said, grabbing Louis by the wrist. He hauled him away, and a disappointed murmur ran through the room as the others all turned back to their games. Dee sat frozen, staring at the cards in front of her until they became mere shapes against a gray metallic background. Felix slumped back down to the table.

"You know," Felix said, lighting up another cigarette and reclaiming his drink, "Noel was right about one thing. Nothing's that simple."

"What do you mean?" Dee asked.

Felix sighed. "There's a huge difference between you and Lee, and me and Gaius and Louis and Noel."

"Yeah?"

Felix looked at the end of his cigarette. "You're married, Dee."

"So?"

"Look," he finally said, glancing around to make sure no one was listening. "With me and Gaius, I have to admit he was always honest with me." Dee snorted. "No, hear me out. I'm not saying that excuses it, because he knew what he was doing to me. But he told me from the beginning that there were no promises. And with Noel and Louis, they hadn't made any promises. Well, not the big one, anyway. They could still walk away. But you and Lee…" Felix shrugged.

"Are you saying he can't just walk away?" Dee demanded. "Or _I_ can't just walk away?"

Felix shrugged. "You think a divorce would be easy for you?"

"Not _easy_," Dee said.

She hated it when Felix had a little too much to drink and got into one of these moods. If he wasn't, he might not look at her like he was right now, like he could see straight through her and would call her on any bullshit. "You really think you want to give up being an Adama, Dee?" he asked. "Are you ready to face The Old Man after divorcing his son? Especially if Lee decides to spin it that he went to Kara _after_ you divorced him?"

"Frak off, Felix," she said, putting her head down in her arms.

Felix's hand was warm on her shoulder. "Sorry, Dee," he said. "I'm not trying to be an ass. I'm just trying to be realistic."

"I know," Dee said, not looking up.

"You know, though," Felix said, still smoking, "it's not like you _have_ to decide right now. Have you even seen Lee since Louis told you?" Dee shook her head. "So he doesn't even know you know."

"Yeah." Dee sat back up, smoothing her hair back, and glanced at the two empty seats. "You going after Louis at all tonight?"

"Nope." Felix looked down at his drink. "I suspect he and Noel will be at it until what passes for dawn." He made a face. "I think this one's been building for years."

"Yeah, I kind of got that impression. What happened?"

Felix knocked back the rest of his drink, glanced around the rec room yet again, and leaned in. Dee leaned in to meet him, partly because right now hearing about anyone else's misery was attractive, and partly because she'd been _dying_ to know. "You know Louis had leukemia before this, right?"

"Yeah. He said he was seventeen the first time, then twenty nine, then… oh, _frak_. Noel didn't."

"Noel did. Guess he felt guilty and told Louis about it right away, but it was while Louis was in the hospital." Felix shrugged. "Louis didn't want to deal with it at the same time as he was dealing with cancer, so he ended things and that was that." He poured himself another drink. "The thing is, they were engaged at the time."

"_Engaged?_" Dee asked, because Noel had never, ever mentioned that.

"Yeah. Hey, look, don't tell either of them I told you, okay? Louis only told me in interest of full disclosure."

"I won't," Dee promised. She considered it. "So is that why you two aren't officially together yet?"

"It certainly isn't me holding us up anymore," Felix said. He downed his drink again, and this time, Dee discreetly removed the bottle before Felix could reach for it. He glared at her, but didn't say anything. "As soon as he hits that six month, officially-in-remission mark, we can actually act like a couple. About frakking time."

"You really like this guy, don't you?"

For a moment, all the bitterness dropped from Felix's face, and he looked like himself again. "Yeah," he said, and there was something infinitely gentle about him as he said it. "I really do."

Dee sighed and stood up. "On that note, I think I'll head to bed. And you should, too. At least sober up before duty."

"You know I will."

"I know." Dee waved, and then lurched out of the rec room.

She hadn't realized how much she'd drunk until she tried to walk, but it was hitting her now. She sagged against the wall for a moment, trying to orient herself. But all that ran through her head were stories and bitter voices, _he's too honorable_ and _cheating is a consequence_. She closed her eyes.

"Lieutenant." She opened her eyes to see Tigh, of all people, and snapped to something resembling attention.

"Colonel."

He studied her, a little too long, and it almost looked like there was something like sympathy on his face. And she remembered all the stories about Ellen Tigh before New Caprica, and for a wild moment, she just wanted to hug him.

"Do you need help, Lieutenant?" Tigh asked. Dee nodded mutely, and Tigh heaved a sigh. "Well then, let's get you to your quarters." He grabbed her elbow and began to guide her.

For all that Tigh was her commanding officer and had nearly murdered her best friend, the silence between them wasn't awkward. In fact, Dee found herself leaning into him. "Sorry, sir. Too much to drink."

"I see that."

"You gave me a drink once before, remember? Before you went down to New Caprica?"

"I remember."

"You said XOs have to stick together."

"Did I, now?

"You did." Dee's head was spinning. "Does that go for-" she wasn't sure how she was going to phrase it, but it didn't matter. She lurched into silence, and Tigh, being far too much a veteran of this sort of thing, scooped her up bodily and managed to get her into the nearest head.

Dee had never thought her XO would hold her hair back for her as she puked. If that wasn't a sign of solidarity, she didn't know what was.

"All done there?" Tigh asked, and Dee nodded. "Good. Then let's get your ass back to your husband before you decide to throw up again. _He_ can take care of it." He helped Dee straighten back up, and waited while she washed her face and rinsed her mouth.

She wasn't drunk enough to ask Tigh the questions she would have liked to, and when he dropped her off at her own quarters, all she could do was say, "Thank you."

"You'd better be on time in the morning," was all he said in return.

She opened the door cautiously. To her surprise, Lee sat up.

"Dee! Are you okay?"

"I'm okay. Just… just a little drunk." Dee's knees gave out, and Lee leapt out of bed to catch her just in time.

"Wow," he said, smiling at her a little. "I don't think I've ever…." He glanced over his shoulder at the clock. "Oh, frak. Dee, you've got duty in four hours."

"I know."

He guided her to the bed, and helped her lay down. "Sleep it off," he said, and he sounded so kind.

"Lee?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I know. I love you, too."

"And I'm sorry," Dee said. She was drifting already. "Sorry I didn't talk to you more."

She was only vaguely aware of how guilty he looked. "Just go to sleep," he said.

She did.

***

If Tigh could have seen her waking up the next morning, he would have laughed his ass off. Felix probably would have, too, if he wasn't in the same state. Lee greeted her with a cup of strong coffee and some aspirin.

"Do I even want to know?" he asked, handing her the pills and the mug.

"No," Dee said. It tasted like something had died in her mouth, which was about the only thing that could make algae coffee taste better. She looked up at Lee, who was sitting on the edge of the bed being the picture of the thoughtful husband, and took a sip of coffee before she could say anything.

"You going to be okay today?" he asked.

"I'll be fine," Dee said. "It's just a hangover."

"So I gathered."

She took another deep sip of the coffee. It was bitter and had a moldy taste, but it did have caffeine, even if it was from ground up stims. She wondered what she was supposed to say to Lee now.

She didn't have to worry. He stood up, patting her on the shoulder. "I'll be home late tonight," he said. "I've got some stuff to do after I fly CAP."

Dee looked down. "All right," she said, not able to meet his eyes. "Should I wait up?"

"No. I'll be late." He kissed her on the forehead. "I'll see you later."

Dee watched him go, and it didn't help her hangover at all.

***

The crash on the floor of the CIC startled them all out of their work, and made Dee's head throb. She was about to say something when she saw what it was; Felix had knocked his chair over. He was standing at the tactical station, white as a sheet, staring at a printout.

"What the frak?" Tigh demanded. "Did I miss something? Is there a reason half the CIC is hung over today?"

"No, sir," Felix stammered, his eyes not leaving the piece of paper in his hand.

"Well, good, because I was starting to wonder if we'd beaten the Cylons and no one had bothered to invite me to the victory party. If the Cylons attacked right now they'd be catching us with our pants down, and for frak's sake, Mr. Gaeta, what is taking you so long to put that chair back up right?"

"Sorry, sir." Felix moved mechanically to right the chair. He looked up towards Dee's station, but she could tell he wasn't really seeing her. "It won't happen again."

"I should think not," Tigh grunted.

Dee tried to catch Felix's eye, but he just stared for a moment longer, crumpled the piece of paper in his hand, and then went back to work.

***

That night, she dreamed of Billy.

She hadn't been the one to hang Billy's photo on the Wall of Remembrance, although President Roslin had offered to let her. But given how they'd ended, Dee had felt odd about it. If Roslin hadn't been there, then she would have done it. Of course. But the way Roslin offered… it had felt like an honor reserved for next of kin. For a widow.

Dee wasn't Billy's widow.

She tried not to think much about Billy, because the guilt of their… misunderstanding… always tainted the memory. But tonight she could see him so clearly, and could hear his laugh, even though he'd been dead for well over a year now.

And she knew she almost settled, too.

***

"Are you on duty tonight?" Lee asked her.

"No, Hoshi's on. Why?"

"Get dressed," Lee said, smiling like a little boy. "Civilian clothes."

"Civilian clothes?" Dee asked, surprised. "Where are we going?"

"You'll see." Lee's smile only expanded.

Dee shrugged and obeyed, slipping on red shirt and a pair of jeans. "You've definitely got me curious," she admitted.

"Come on."

They walked through the halls, and to Dee's utter surprise, it was still easy to talk to Lee. Despite the fact that she could feel something was wrong, despite the knowledge that she had, the scent of him and the sight of his smile still had a strong pull on her. They were laughing together about Hot Dog's latest blunder with women when they rounded the corner onto what Dee had remembered as a disused hangar deck.

"Joe's?" she asked, and then suddenly remembered the bar that Lee had been talking about. She could hear voices and laughter coming from inside, and her eyes widened. "You finished it!"

"I did," Lee said, grinning in pride. "Come on. I don't care if you're not into bars, you've got to see it at least once." He grabbed her hand and pulled her in, and Dee followed.

Immediately on entering, she remembered why she disliked bars. The scent of smoke hit her full force, followed quickly by the smell of liquor. She didn't mind either, normally, but in a crowded room and this strong, they both bothered her. A woman ran into her, sloshing drops of her drink onto Dee's pants, a hand that wasn't Lee's landed on her ass, and a huge gorilla of a marine stepped on her foot without apology, all in the first two minutes. Dee sighed, and forced a smile onto her face.

"What do you think?" Lee asked, turning around and gesturing grandly.

"It's impressive," Dee had to admit. She looked up. "I like the Viper. How'd you get Chief to agree to that?"

"Nothing to put in it," Lee said with a shrug and a dark expression. "Come on," he said, shaking it off and smiling again. "I'll buy you a drink." He grabbed her hand and led her to the bar, and as the people parted for him, Dee had the oddest sense of déjà vu. It was like being back on the _Pegasus_ again, those first weeks when Lee knew everyone and had been Commander for a while, and she was just starting as his XO. "Hey Joe," Lee said as they made it to the bar, "a whiskey for me, and wine for my wife."

It was frustrating, Dee thought, that in the middle of all this he _knew_ she'd drink wine over anything else when she could get it. And he _remembered_. The man behind the bar smiled at Lee and pushed the drinks over. His eyes seemed to land on Dee in a sort of speculative look, but Dee might have been imagining it.

"It's great, isn't it?" Lee said, taking his drink and turning around to face the crowds. "I mean, the rec room is one thing, but civilians aren't allowed there, and besides, it gets old playing Triad night after night after night."

"I know what you mean," Dee agreed, sipping her wine. "We were down to Go Fish the other night."

Lee chuckled, and then waved as Hex and Rivet hailed him. "Yeah," he said, a little distracted, and then pulled himself back. "It's good for everyone to have a place that doesn't _feel_ like _Galactica._ Maybe something that feels at least a little bit like the Colonies. Like home."

Dee grinned. "That almost makes me want to forget how much I hate bars."

Lee laughed. "I know," he said self-deprecatingly, "I'm waxing poetic about a bar. Hey! Helo!"

Dee brightened as Helo came over, dropping a kiss on her cheek. "Hey, guys. Great place, isn't it?"

"Thanks," Lee said, brightening.

"How's Hera?" Dee asked.

Helo smiled. "Much better. We brought her home yesterday, and Doc says she'll be fine. Sharon's home with her. I think she's savoring the silence while Hera sleeps. Hey," he said, turning back to Lee, "have you heard anything about FTL trouble on the _Outlander_?"

"I have," Lee admitted. "They're looking into it."

"What are they doing if the Cylons find us in the meantime?" Helo asked. He moved closer to get a drink, and the way he positioned his body managed to cut Dee out of the conversation, although knowing Helo, it was completely unintentional. Dee stared for a moment, taking a sip of wine.

"Hey, Dee," someone said at her elbow.

She turned, her eyes widening. "Noel," she said, and she found her normal smile for him wouldn't come. "How are you?"

He smiled, holding up his drink. "Improving. If I'm shit-faced by the end of the night, I just might be good."

Dee twirled the wineglass in her hands. _Noel did_, Felix's voice whispered, and yeah, he looked different to her now. She forced a smile. "Enjoying the bar?"

"Sure," Noel said, leaning back on his elbows. He was actually out of uniform, in a tight black t-shirt and an even tighter pair of jeans. There was a hard, angry look on his face as well as he surveyed the crowd. "How about you?"

Dee looked around and shrugged. "Not really my scene," she admitted.

Noel snorted. Behind her, Dee heard a familiar laugh, and she cringed. She tried to ignore it, but she couldn't help looking back over her shoulder. The group talking to Lee had grown by a few pilots, and predictably, one of them was Starbuck.

"He doesn't hide it that well, does he?" Noel asked, watching Lee.

"At least they aren't pawing each other," Dee said. She turned back to Noel.

"You're mad at me," Noel observed. "For what happened with Louis."

"I'm not," Dee lied.

"Right," Noel snorted his disbelief. "You know it was ancient history and has nothing to do with you, right?"

"Which is why I'm totally lying and saying I'm not mad at you," Dee agreed. "You're right- it's not my business."

Noel smiled, but his smile was more like a smirk. Then his eyes widened. "Yes. Now that was what I was waiting for." Dee followed his gaze and saw the gorilla of the Marine who'd stepped on her foot earlier watching them. "That's my cue," Noel said. He slammed back his drink, turned back and managed to get two more from the bartender, and then winked at Dee. "He's hot, you're married, and I've got dibs. I'll see you later," he said.

Dee watched him go, and then turned back to the conversation that Lee was involved in. Helo noticed and moved aside for her, but even as he did, she realized the conversation was all about flying. She could follow it, of course. You couldn't work CIC communications and not understand most of what the pilots were saying. But she couldn't add to it. So she stood and sipped her wine in silence, laughing when the others laughed, letting her thoughts drift.

She was nearly asleep on her feet when someone touched her shoulder. She jerked awake and looked towards where Lee was, but he was still talking to Kara. She turned around the other way and saw Noel.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah. I'm fine." Dee looked past him, to where the marine was waiting. Although his eyes were clearly fastened on Noel, he didn't look at all impatient or upset. "You should go," she said lamely.

"I will. But, look, do you want me to walk you out of here or anything? Back to your quarters?"

"I can walk to my racks myself, Noel," she said. She looked at Lee again. "But yeah. Just a minute." She touched her husband on the arm. "Lee? Lee!" He turned, and Dee did her best to look exhausted and sick. "I hate to do this to you, but I really need to go to sleep. I'm going to head back to our quarters, okay?"

Did he look disappointed? Dee couldn't tell. But Lee nodded, and by the time she, Noel, and the marine had made it to the entrance, he was already back into his conversation with Kara again.

"Great bar," Noel said, once they were out into the hangar deck. The marine put an arm around Noel, but Noel didn't bother to introduce him to Dee. Dee shook her head.

"I don't really need you to walk me home, you know," she said. "I'm not nearly as drunk as I was the other night."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure. Go…" she glanced at the marine, who had now somehow managed to slip his hand into Noel's pocket, although Dee suspected it was cutting off the circulation to his fingers. He smiled kindly, but he obviously was much more interested in going to Noel's quarters than hers. "Just go," she said. "I really don't want to know details."

"No, you don't," Noel agreed with an evil grin. "See you later."

Dee shook her head again and watched them walk down the hall, Noel whispering something into the marine's ear. The marine laughed, and slid his hand out of Noel's pocket and over his ass.

Dee let herself into her quarters, the silence embracing her. She sank into a chair gratefully, toeing off her heels.

There was a knock on the door.

Dee groaned and stood back up. But when she opened the door and saw Felix, drunk and disheveled, she stepped back and said, "Come in."

Felix shook his head and leaned against the door. "No need. I just… I just needed to tell someone. Tell you."

"Tell me what?"

"Baltar's alive."

"I know that. Felix, come in."

Felix shook his head, and lurched back to standing. "No, Dee. Baltar's alive, and he's on the _Galactica._" Dee's mouth dropped open. "I've got to go."

"Felix! Wait!"

He turned around and shook his head. "I've got to go." He turned the corner before she could call after him again, and Dee retreated. She'd bet money he'd be passed out in his rack in ten minutes, anyway.

Well, frak.

***

She caught Felix before they entered the CIC the next day. "What was that all about?"

Felix looked at her like she'd grown two heads. "What was what all about?"

"Last night. You stopped by my quarters, drunk off your ass."

Felix's eyes flared open, and he grabbed Dee's arm and pulled her out of the general traffic. "Did I say anything?" he hissed.

"Of course you did," Dee said. "You told me that Baltar's alive and on the ship."

"Oh, Gods. Dee, please don't tell anyone. I wasn't supposed to… it's confidential. You know that, right?"

"I know," Dee said. It didn't matter anyway. News like that would be all over in days.

***

It didn't take days. Not even hours. When Dee was in the mess after her shift, she heard three privates discussing it. Either Felix had mentioned it to someone else, or someone had caught sight of something and spread it around. Regardless, people knew.

It was interesting, Dee noticed, as she sat with Felix in the mess. No one came over and joined them. No one was obviously avoiding them, not with the open coldness they'd shown Felix after New Caprica, but they also just… didn't look at them. Didn't look at _Felix._

If Felix noticed, he didn't comment. Dee also noticed that, as far as she could tell, he didn't drink again after the night he'd shown up at her door, so drunk he couldn't even remember it.

"Are you okay?" Dee asked him, three days later.

"Would you stop asking me? I'm fine," Felix said, his eyes focused on his bowl.

"Do you know what they're going to do with him?" Dee asked.

"Not yet," Felix admitted. "While everyone on the _Galactica_ knows, no one's _supposed_ to know, and I don't think the Fleet's gotten wind of it yet. If nothing else, I haven't seen it in the paper or heard it on the wireless." He stabbed his food. "I'd hope they frakking airlock him, but that would be too quick a death." He shook his head. "I just want it _over_, you know?"

Dee nodded. "All too well."

***

What would it feel like to fly out the airlock? Dee looked down from the catwalk at and at the Vipers with a morbid fascination. She knew you could survive for a few seconds, but what happened next… well, it sounded painful.

Dee sighed and leaned her head forward, resting it on the cool metal of the catwalk railings. Her feet dangled down into the space below, and she stared until vertigo took over, and she had to look up at the hull of _Galactica_.

"Hey, Dee."

See looked up to see Louis. "Louis. I haven't seen you in… what, over a week?"

"Yeah. The problems of sharing the same job. Mind if I join you?"

Dee shrugged. "Can't stop you."

Louis arranged himself awkwardly until he was seated next to her. "Sorry about the other night," he said. "I know things got a little… heated."

"A bit," Dee admitted. "Is it sorted?"

"No. It's just patted back down to the point we can ignore it again," Louis said. "It will never be sorted. But… it's not like there's much left at the end of the world."

"Can I ask you what happened?" Dee asked. Felix had given her the bare bones, but she really wanted to hear what Louis would say about it.

He shrugged. "It's pretty simple. We'd been together for over two years. We were serious. Really serious." He looked down at the hangar deck floor. "We were engaged," he told her. "I mean, we already had the rings, although that was kind of a fluke. We were going to have the ceremony on the ship- Admiral Cain was going to do it- as soon as we were docked at a shipyard, so Noel's family could come. Just a little ceremony in her office… anyway. We both went to the infirmary to have the bloodwork done, and when I did…" he shrugged. "They found the leukemia had come back. Well, they found something was wrong, anyway, and I had to go back to Gemenon and have all the tests, and yeah. The leukemia was back. Stage three that time, so it was pretty bad. Noel promised he'd be there, even offered to get married right then and there, and screw waiting for his family. But I was too upset. Anyway, one thing led to another and…" Louis shrugged. "While I was in the hospital, he frakking cheated on me.

"He told me, mainly because he couldn't live with it. I broke off with him. I… I was really having a hard time with the treatments that time. The chemo they gave me that time made me _really_ sick, I was losing my hair, and they weren't so sure I was going to make it. I almost didn't. But I couldn't deal with Noel and with the cancer at the same time. I figured I'd cut my losses."

"You sound like you almost regret it."

Louis looked at her, eyes wide in shock. "Of course I regret it, Dee. We were going to get _married_, that's how much I loved him. Ever since I was seventeen, I _never_ planned on getting married."

"Not to put too fine a point on it, but he cheated on you."

Louis sighed and sat back on his hands. "Yes. With a guy whose name he can't even remember. And yeah, that hurts. But… Gods, I was lying there in that bed, and do you know how close I was so many times to just writing to him and saying, 'forget it, I love you and I forgive you, come back to me'? If I had, he would have. I know it. But I didn't, and I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me."

Dee blinked hard, trying to clear her eyes. "Did you ever want to try again? After everything died down, I mean?"

Louis shrugged. "We _did_ try again. After the Colonies were attacked, on the _Pegasus._ But too much time had passed, and…" he shrugged again. "We're different people now. It was best just to let it go. And besides, now I have Felix. Or," he amended, "I will, in a few weeks. I'm lucky, you know."

"Yeah," Dee said with a grin.

Louis nudged her. "Not like that. Well, okay, like that, too. But Felix gets it. A lot of people wouldn't be able to handle what Noel and I had together, and the fact that we do still love each other in a way. But with everything Felix and Baltar had… he gets it. I'm lucky."

"You really could have forgiven Noel for cheating on you?"

"I don't know," Louis said. "But I really wish I'd tried to find out."

"Subtle."

Louis grinned, but then became serious again. "Look, Dee," he said, "what happened between me and Noel is different than what's going on with you and Lee. I'm not making a commentary."

Dee nodded and looked down at the hangar floor. "You know what?" she said. "I always hated Vipers."

Hoshi laughed. "Yeah. I never really liked them, either."

***

_Anastasia Adama._ Dee hadn't taken the Adama name, partly because it had sounded odd with her own name, and partly because if she had, there would be no one left with the name Dualla, and she wasn't ready to let that go.

Second best. That's what she was, that's what Louis would be to Felix and what Felix would be to Louis, and they'd all be screwed because the person they loved had loved someone more, right? Frakking second best forever.

Dee had almost settled for Billy, and in the end, she didn't regret it. She was sorry- so, so sorry- that he'd been killed, and she was sorry he'd been hurt before that. But it would have been a lie to let him believe she loved him like he'd loved her. She hadn't been Billy's second best, but Billy would have been hers.

She slipped her ring off her finger, studying it. For the first time, she wondered where Lee had found it. A dead wife, probably, her ring slipped from her hand and sold on the black market. It was a simple ring, just a smooth, thin, platinum band. It wasn't what she'd imagined, but when Lee had put it on her finger, it was exactly what she wanted.

She slipped it off her hand, and looked at her hand again without the ring. After a year of marriage, it looked bare without it. But she thought she could get used to it again.

***

"Can you pass the salt?"

Lee slid the salt across the table to her. Dee stared at the shaker sadly. She hadn't really wanted it, just more wanted to hear some sort of sound in this room. They returned to eating in silence.

Lee finished choking down his dinner and pushed the bowl away, and stood up to pull on his duty blues jacket. Dee looked up with surprise. "I thought you were off duty."

"I am, yeah. I was just gonna stop by the bar for a little while."

Something in Dee snapped. "If you're gonna see Kara, just admit it."

"Look," Lee said, turning around with an exasperated look on his face, "I told you there's nothing going on."

"Yeah, you both told me. 'Lee won't cheat, he's too noble.' Only problem is, it's all a crock, isn't it?" The words were easy to say, but Dee found her stomach freezing over, because this was it.

Lee was angry. "You know what the only problem is?" he demanded. "The only problem is that you don't trust me. That's it. And this is just your own frakkin' insecurities talking. Same as always. I mean, right from the get-go, I ... The very first morning that I proposed. You know what? Forget it. This is frakking pointless."

She remembered Louis, standing in her quarters at attention, and a great calm swept over her. "No," she said clearly, "you're right. I did see this coming. And I was naive enough to marry you anyway. And you want to know why, Lee? Because I loved you. I loved you so frakking much. I thought I was lucky. That's right, lucky. That I could have you ... for just as long as you or Kara would let me."

Lee reached out. "Dee, it's... Come on." But there was nothing he could say, because they both knew the truth. Dee pulled away.

"It's not a marriage, Lee. This is a lie. You want to be with Kara? Go ahead. I won't stand in your way. It's over."

She walked out the door, and a curious lightness accompanied her. _I'm free_, a voice in her mind kept saying. _I'm free I'm free I'm free._

Which must have been exactly why she walked down to the officer's racks, found Felix, and burst into tears on his shoulder.

***

She slept in Felix's bed that night, and Felix used Louis's bunk while Louis was on duty. It was odd to sleep in a bunk again, but the small, closed space seemed cozy to her. She drifted off to sleep feeling like she was being hugged.

When she woke up in the morning, Felix was sitting at the table, hands in his hair. "What's wrong?" she asked.

He jumped. "Dee. Did you sleep okay?"

"Well enough. You didn't, though."

"No. I… I got a message from Adama," he said, crumpling it in his hand. "Jaffee brought it in this morning."

"Everything all right?"

Felix nodded. "Just orders. Hey, listen, are you going to be okay? I need to find Louis and tell him I have to cancel on him tonight. This is going to take all day."

"I'll be fine, Felix." He gave her a hurried smile and a kiss on the forehead, and slipped away.

***

"Dee," Lee began, as soon as she walked in.

"I have duty, Lee."

"I know. Look, Dee. We need to talk about this. There are things… there are things I need to say, that you need to hear. Don't walk out on this without hearing me out."

Dee looked at him. He was looking up at her with the saddest eyes she'd ever seen, and she was convinced he was about to cry.

She could walk out, right here and right now. It would take two minutes to pack, and it could be over. She could be done. She'd never have to deal with Lee or Kara again, at least once they got to Earth.

But she'd always wonder what would have happened.

She sighed heavily. "All right, Lee," she said. "I'll meet you tonight, and 1800 hours. At Joe's Bar."

"Thank you." He stood up, with a small smile. "I'll let you get ready on your own. See you tonight."

When she was in the shower, she noticed she was still wearing her wedding ring. And she didn't take it off.

***

"Dee," Adama said, striding into the CIC. "You have the deck this shift."

"Yes, sir," she said.

She wondered what he, Tigh, and Felix were all doing, but dismissed it from her mind as soon as one of the officers called for her attention.

At least she wouldn't have to think about Lee.

***

Lee was waiting for her when she arrived, and the way he stood suggested he would have brought flowers, if any existed in the Fleet. They sat at a corner table, crammed into the packed bar, and Joe brought them both wine. When Dee tasted it, she knew it was the best stuff left in existence.

"You know," Lee began, "I realize there's probably nothing I can say that can make this right. But there's something you need to know. I asked you to marry me because I was in love with you. Just like I'm in love with you now. You were right, I loved Kara." Dee opened her mouth to speak, but Lee rushed on. "And you know, maybe there's a part of me that always will. But I married you. I married you. And you know, when I look back at our marriage, at the time that we have spent together... You are good for me, Dee. And I need you. And I don't think I ever really realized that, till I knew that I was losing you. But please just give me another chance. That's all I'm asking. Just give me a chance. Please."

The one thing Dee hadn't been prepared for was Lee saying everything she wanted to hear.

***

"That was…" Dee said breathlessly, the sheet tangled around her legs. She ran her hand over Lee's chest, and he laughed.

"Exactly," he agreed. "In fact, I think it's something that requires a repeat performance."

Dee laughed and pushed herself up to her hands, looking down at him. "You might be able to convince me."

It had started out so tender… so slow and tentative. But it sure as hell hadn't ended up that way, and Dee felt like the sex had broken something between them, something that needed to be shattered into a million pieces and swept away. For the first time since the algae planet, she felt truly happy.

Someone pounded on the hatch.

"Let's just ignore it," she suggested. "It can't be that bad. No one's rousing the whole ship!"

"Dee!" She heard Noel's muffled voice shouting.

Lee sighed, pulled himself out of bed, and wrapped the blanket around his waist as Dee pulled the sheet up. "I'm not even sure I want to know," Lee said, and opened the hatch.

"Sorry to interrupt, Major," Noel said, and then stuck his head around the jamb. "It's just that Felix is in the brig."  



	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are all kinds of betrayals. Some are easier to forgive than others.

"What did he do?" Dee demanded, pulling on her duty blues jacket.

"I don't _know!_" Noel repeated.

"How the hell did you find out?"

"I have my sources."

"That gorilla of a Marine?"

"What, John's a gorilla?" Noel flicked a smile, but nodded. "Yeah, John told me."

"Where's Louis?"

"Already headed down."

It turned out that Louis was standing outside of the brig, arms crossed, tapping his foot impatiently. "They're not going to let us in," he exploded, as soon as Dee and Noel rounded the corner. "They say we don't have _clearance._"

"No, sir, I said you don't have _authorization_," the Marine guarding the brig responded in a perfect deadpan. Louis just glared at him.

"Authorization, clearance, whatever, I want to see him."

"Sorry, sir, but no."

Over the Marine's shoulder, Dee could see into the cell a bit. Felix was asleep on a cot, curled on his side and his cheek resting on his hand.

Noel pulled Louis away. "Come on. What are you going to do, anyway? You can't bust him out."

"I can't imagine Felix did anything that terrible," Dee tried to reassure Louis. "He's _sleeping_, for frak's sake."

"Sedated," the Marine supplied.

"Sedated?" Louis demanded. "Why the frak-"

They heard footsteps, and all three of them stepped to the side as the Marine on duty straightened to attention. The delegation that approached was partly expected, in that Tigh and Adama were there. But Dee hadn't been expecting Cottle, or Roslin, and she certainly hadn't been expecting Zarek. Her eyes narrowed, and next to her, Louis drew in a little breath. But she noticed Noel looked more relaxed, even smiling a little as Zarek looked over Adama's shoulder at the brig.

"What the frak are you three doing here?" Tigh demanded. "This isn't a tea party."

"Just came down to visit Lieutenant Gaeta, sir," Dee said. She glanced at Adama, but he didn't say a word. Instead, both he and Roslin seemed to be watching Zarek for his reaction. Zarek shook his head, muttering something about idiots putting fire and oil into the same airspace. Then he turned his head sharply.

"I need to speak to the lieutenant alone," he said. "_Without_ any bugs," he added, fixing Adama with a stern eye.

"All right." Adama took the President by the arm and gently guided her away. He inclined his head, and Tigh, Cottle, and the three lieutenants followed.

"Was that a good idea?" President Roslin asked the Admiral as they walked down the hall. "Leaving them alone together? I know I'd like to hear what Gaeta tells him, and I don't trust Zarek to tell us the truth afterwards."

"Neither do I, but I don't trust Lieutenant Gaeta to talk if he thinks we're listening," Adama said. Dee and Louis exchanged glances from the corners of their eyes, but Adama didn't dismiss any of the three of them. Instead, he turned off to a conference room, and then held the door open, indicating that everyone should enter. The door shut behind them. Dee, Louis and Noel stood at attention as Adama and Roslin sat down at a desk. Cottle sat off to the side, smoking and watching with narrowed eyes, and Tigh hovered like he always did.

"First," Adama began, addressing the three of them, "I can't imagine that this will truly stay quiet. Stories like this have a way of getting out to the ship, and then the Fleet. But it doesn't come from any of the three of you."

"No, sir," they all acknowledged.

"I need to know why Felix Gaeta might make an attempt on Gaius Baltar's life."

For a moment, Dee couldn't breathe, her throat closed up so badly. Her heart was pounding in her ears, and she just stared at Adama.

"Felix tried to kill Baltar?" Louis asked, looking as shocked as Dee felt. Noel, however, had the expression of someone who'd just seen the pieces fall into place. Dee swallowed hard, trying to clear the ringing from her head. Felix had tried to kill Baltar. _Felix_ had tried to _kill_ Baltar. And the last thing he'd done when they were together was kiss her on the forehead before he left for duty.

Adama let it sink in. "I'll ask you again," he said, when the silence stretched too long. "I need to know why Felix Gaeta would try to kill Gaius Baltar."

"Do you want a list, sir?" Noel said.

"A list?" Adama asked, his scowl deepening. President Roslin looked down over her glasses, as well. Noel just shrugged.

"Sir, with respect, I can probably come up with at least ten reasons that Lieutenant Gaeta would try to kill Baltar."

"Share some of them," Adama ordered.

Noel looked him in the eye. "Baltar surrendered the humans to the Cylons. Gaeta's a military man, through and through. He wouldn't surrender. That right there would be reason enough for most people. And Baltar gave the Cylons anything they wanted on New Caprica, at the expense of the humans. If you think that didn't upset Gaeta-"

"I'm sure it did," Adama cut him off. "Would you agree with that assessment, Lieutenant Hoshi?"

"Sir, I certainly agree it's possible. But even before the Cylons invaded, Baltar had descended into a mockery of a Presidency. As Lieutenant Allison pointed out, Lieutenant Gaeta took that job for a reason, and he watched the people suffer. But since then, Baltar just spent a good deal of time on the Cylon basestar. Lieutenant Gaeta may feel that he's been brainwashed or converted to their way of thinking. He told me that Baltar does worship the Cylon God."

"I've heard that, too," Roslin said softly. "That he refers to _God_ as opposed to any of the Lords of Kobol. Lieutenant Dualla?"

  
"Do I agree?" Dee asked.

"Yes, or are there other reasons?"

Dee hesitated, and glanced at Cottle, who nodded. "When Lieutenant Gaeta returned to _Galactica_, he was assaulted by a Circle, and nearly made to pay for crimes that _Baltar_ committed."

"I'm getting the picture," Adama said crossly. "That's enough, and I don't believe any of those are the real reason. Baltar made reference to a secret," he said, rubbing at his forehead. "A secret between himself and Gaeta. That was when Gaeta tried to kill him. Has Lieutenant Gaeta ever mentioned something like that to you?"

Silence.

Adama raised his eyebrows. "All right then, what's this secret? Lieutenant Dualla?"

It made her sick, the way Adama fastened his eyes on her, because she _had_ to betray Felix's confidence and tell the Admiral. Not only was she worried about Felix, but this was her commanding officer. There was no way to argue it.

"Lieutenant Gaeta and Doctor Baltar had a… personal history," she explained. "I wouldn't call them a _couple_, but they…."

"Yes?" Roslin asked kindly.

Dee drew in a deep breath and pulled herself straighter. "Ma'am, Lieutenant Gaeta was in love with President Baltar," she said, the words cutting her soul as she spoke them. "It went very badly, even before the Cylons came."

"I see." Adama looked down at his notes. "And who all knows about this?"

Dee and Louis looked at each other. "As far as I know, sir," Louis began, "Dee and I are the only two who know for sure."

"He never told me," Noel confirmed.

Roslin raised her eyebrows. "I believe we might have our answer, Bill."

The Admiral rubbed his forehead again. "Maybe," he conceded. "Saul? What do you think?"

"I think it's more complicated than that," Tigh shook his head. "Gaeta might be private, but to lose his job and position because he wouldn't tell us about an affair? It doesn't fit. Whatever he's hiding, it's something worse than frakking Gaius Baltar."

Adama nodded. "What we really need to know is if it's personal, or if it will affect the Fleet."

It took a moment, but the implication of what he was saying completely staggered Dee. "Sir," she began, "are you concerned that Felix might be a Cylon?"

"I have information that there are twelve models," Adama said. "We've only seen seven. Baltar spent time on a basestar. It's possible that he might know the identities of the other five."

Felix a Cylon… Dee tried to wrap her head around that and felt like it would explode. There was no possible way… absolutely not. Not Felix. He'd snapped over something, yes, but he wasn't a Cylon. Definitely not a Cylon.

"No," Noel voiced her thoughts. "The Cylons seem to want Baltar alive, not dead. Besides, Felix has talked about his family, things he did as a kid… I can't think of examples right now, but-"

"So did Boomer," Tigh interrupted. "She had the memories programmed right in."

"But it doesn't make sense," Dee argued, finding her voice again.

Roslin raised her eyebrows. "Why not, Lieutenant Dualla?"

"Because he did help the Resistance. If he was a Cylon, he should have rejoined them on New Caprica, not worked against them."

"She's got a point, Bill," Tigh agreed.

"Unless there's something fundamentally different about the Final Five," Cottle pointed out. "Perhaps they didn't agree with the Cylons that we've seen that genocide was the answer to their troubles."

Roslin turned back to Dee. "You've known Lieutenant Gaeta for a long time, am I right, Dee?" she asked.

The use of her name startled her. "Yes, ma'am." A memory came back to her, and suddenly her throat loosened. "I met his parents once," she said, and it was like she'd let the air out of the room as everyone exhaled. "Back before the attacks. Only at the station, but they really do exist."

Roslin took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes. "Oh, thank Gods," she said, breathing out. "So whatever it is, it's not that."

Dee nodded.

"All right," he finally said. "Is there anything else I should know?"

"No, sir."

"Then you're dismissed."

They left the conference room, and headed up towards the main part of the ship. But once they were far enough away, Louis breathed out and collapsed against a wall. "Felix is going to _kill_ us," he said.

"It sounds like he tried to kill Baltar," Noel said. "I wonder why."

"We just gave the Admiral plenty of reasons," Dee said crossly.

"Yeah, but do you actually believe any of them are it? Adama mentioned a secret."

"It's their relationship," Louis said. "It _has_ to be. I can't imagine what else Felix would hide like that."

"Yeah," Dee agreed. "That's got to be it." A thought occurred to her. "Does Zarek know about that?"

"Probably," Noel said thoughtfully. "He's very perceptive." Louis snorted, and Dee glared. "Look," Noel said, "I know you both don't like him, okay? But no matter what else you want to say about him, Zarek is smart and he understands people."

"Oh, yeah, he understands people. That's why he blew up a building in the name of a race that condemns violence," Dee said sarcastically.

Noel shrugged. "He did what he had to do," he said, but his voice was becoming a little more strident. "Sometimes you have to make sacrifices."

"There's a difference between sacrifices and murder," Dee said.

"Or it could just be," Louis broke in, "that Felix _told_ Zarek. They got very close on New Caprica."

Dee and Noel exchanged final glares and then gave in to the implied order not to continue the discussion. "At least Felix went for you over him afterwards," she grumbled. "Given how he normally homes in on the worst choice possible, I should be kissing your feet."

Louis smirked. "You wouldn't have said that a year ago. But if you really want…" he stopped walking and extended a boot to her.

"Frak off," Dee pushed him. She yawned.

"Well, I guess there's not exactly much we can do," Noel said. "I'm going back to bed. Ten cubits says Zarek gets Felix off anyway."

Louis snorted. "He'd better not."

Dee pushed him again.

***

Noel was right. Felix was released from the brig the next day. "The charge was public drunkenness," Felix said, rolling his eyes as they managed a quick conversation at her station.

"What did you _really_ do?"

Felix's face darkened. "Stabbed Baltar with a pen."

Dee cracked up. "Felix, I'm serious!" But his face didn't change, and she remembered Adama asking why Felix would want to kill Baltar. "Oh, my Gods. So are you."

"Yeah. They're giving him a trial, you know."

"A trial?"

Felix shrugged. "Not tomorrow, but yeah. A trial." He shook his head.

"Felix-"

"I guess that's part of why they're letting me off," Felix said darkly. "I was Baltar's Chief of Staff. They're going to need my testimony."

"What did you tell Zarek?" Dee asked, because after she was done worrying, she knew she'd be _dying_ to know how Zarek of all people managed to convince Roslin and Baltar to let Felix out.

"The truth," Felix said stubbornly. "I've got to get back to work."

Dee watched him go. _The truth_ wasn't exactly the most satisfying answer, but she knew that look on Felix's face; it was the only answer she was going to get. Whatever Felix had told Tom Zarek, it had been convincing enough that Zarek either believed Felix was innocent or useful. She looked back down at her station, not really seeing the knobs and dials of the console. Felix had been through so much… but to _kill_ someone? Even Baltar?

And how the hell had he even gotten close enough to Baltar to try to stab him anyway? Baltar was a prisoner. Dee hadn't thought about that last night, but now… she remembered Felix being upset about the orders he'd been given, and now she had a suspicion that they must have been about this. Had Adama asked Felix to interrogate Baltar? If you knew Felix at all, it seemed like an incredibly stupid idea.

But then, there must have been a reason Zarek was rolling his eyes.

She watched as Tigh walked over to the tactical station, bending down and looking over Felix's shoulder at the screen. It was something that Felix had hated even before the whole Circle incident, but had allowed because, well, because Tigh was a colonel and Felix was a lieutenant and that was just the way life was. Tigh said something and Felix shook his head, pointing at another spot on the screen. Felix hadn't softened, Dee decided as she studied his rigid posture. Tigh had. He had a hand on Felix's shoulder. She wondered if Tigh felt bad for whatever they'd put Felix through the night before.

She shook her head and turned back to her station.

***

"You up for Joe's tonight?" Lee asked her after dinner two nights later.

Dee's smile wasn't even forced. "Sure," she said, unbuttoning her jacket. "Are you dressing up?"

"Nah. I just want to relax."

"Sounds good." She still hated the smell of smoke that clung to her clothing after, but Dee had to admit that the companionship and relaxed atmosphere of the bar was a welcome relief. She folded her jacket and quickly checked her hair, and then took Lee's arm. "I'm ready."

"So," Lee said as they walked down towards the hangar deck, "Did you hear about the trouble on the _Outlander_?"

"The FTL drive? Yeah, Helo was talking about it this afternoon. Is it true they might have to abandon the ship?"

"The President ordered that they start taking it apart tonight. Salvage what we can." Lee sighed. "_Galactica_'s going to be taking on more civilians."

"Great," Dee groaned. "That will go over well."

Lee laughed. "I know," he agreed. "Helo's going to have a great time organizing it all."

Dee giggled. "The Admiral's still mad at him, huh? I'm surprised that he didn't draft Felix into it."

"He considered it," Lee admitted. "But only because he missed the artery when he stabbed Baltar. If he'd killed him, I think Dad might have given him a medal."

They both burst out laughing as they entered the bar. Lee headed over to get them drinks, and Dee headed straight for the pool table. Showboat was lining up a shot, but she glanced up at Dee and flashed a quick smile. "We're almost done this game, and I don't think anyone's waiting," Showboat told her, making the shot. A knuckledragger groaned as her ball sank neatly into the pocket, and her grin widened.

"Nice shot," Dee acknowledged.

"Thanks." Showboat lined up her next one. "I'm almost done cleaning these guys out." The two deckhands she was playing with both made overlarge protests, but Showboat sank her next ball, too.

Dee nodded and glanced around the bar. It wasn't as crowded as it had been the last time she'd come here with Lee, but there was still a sizable number of people. She spotted Hot Dog laughing with Racetrack and Skulls, Tory leaning on her elbows at the bar and listening intently to something her companion was saying. Seelix was sitting at a table, looking like she was training to outdrink Tigh and not really talking to one of the other knuckledraggers, who was watching her with concern.

Dee sipped her own drink and turned away for a moment. Watching Seelix made her uncomfortable. She still occasionally went to the pregnancy loss support group, during the hard weeks. But at yesterday's meeting, Seelix had finally told them about Jonathon. They hadn't been married, Seelix said, but they were getting there, especially once she'd gotten pregnant. And then the Cylons had invaded, and there were things that happened under military occupation, and they'd happened to Seelix. Dee had felt sick when Seelix had tried to talk about that, because it was something she hadn't even let herself consider. But the Five had beaten her as well, and she'd lost the baby soon after. Jonathan had killed the Five, not that it had done any good.

But what had really appalled Dee was how Baltar had reacted. The pair of them had been dragged before him, not that his decision really mattered, Seelix had mused. But she said that when Jonathan confessed everything, begging for help, Baltar had had sympathy.

And then signed the execution paper anyway.

Something told Dee that if Felix was here, Seelix would be sharing that drink with him.

Lee came over, handing her a drink. "What are you thinking about?" he asked.

"New Caprica," Dee said shortly. She shook herself, although the chills wouldn't quite leave her body. "Want to play?"

Lee picked up the cue and grinned at her. "You're on. But no hustling tonight."

"Fine," Dee sighed. "You take all the fun out of everything."

She looked back over her shoulder as Lee racked the balls. Seelix was still talking to her friend, and her friend was gripping her arm. Every time she thought people were healing from New Caprica, someone ripped the scab off and let her see the wound fresh again. "You know," she said, taking her shot, "I almost wish Felix had succeeded."

"It would have cost him," Lee said seriously. "Not in terms of brig time, but a piece of his soul. Especially someone like Gaeta."

"Yeah, I guess," Dee said. "I just wish we'd see someone in this Fleet actually _heal._"

Lee snorted. "Not until we find Earth, I guess. Your shot."

***

Lee was wrong, but no one minded. Six days later, Dee was back in Joe's, wearing her best dress and a drink in her hand. She sat crammed at a table with Felix, Noel, Cottle, Ishay, Dr. Robert, and Louis.

"Six months," Dr. Robert said, holding up his drink.

"Six months," they all echoed. Louis was beaming- embarrassed, but beaming.

"Thanks," he said simply. "For everything, really."

"Just glad we made it this far," Cottle said, lighting up another cigarette. "When you told me the history, I was nervous, but it couldn't have gone better."

"I'm just relieved I managed to avoid being your first bone marrow biopsy attempt," Louis said. He looked at Dr. Robert. "Thank Gods you were on the _Botany_ when the Cylons hit."

"You know with your history this probably won't stick," Cottle said. "AML isn't one that goes away easily."

"For frak's sake, Sherman, he's been through it before," Dr. Robert said. "He knows what remission is like." He clapped Louis on the shoulder. "I won't say you'll be fine, but we've bought you a few more years. And given that we could all die tomorrow…."

"Cheerful thought," Noel said.

"But unfortunately accurate," Felix said, filching a cigarette from Cottle, who nearly smacked his hand for it. "After all, another ship just died."

"It's going to get even crazier in here," Louis said, looking around the crowded bar.

"Speaking of which," Cottle said, finishing his drink, "I hate to run out, but we need to get everything ready for tomorrow."

"Right, boss. Or should I say 'Aye, sir'?" Dr. Robert asked with a grin. Ishay hurriedly finished her drink as well.

"Congratulations, Louis," she said, kissing him on the cheek in a sisterly manner. She winked at Noel and then followed Cottle and Robert out of the bar.

"She's got a thing for you," Dee observed to Noel. Noel shrugged, but a cocky little grin tugged at the corners of his mouth.

"Is this a private party?" Racetrack asked. She was wearing tanks, a sharp contrast to the four of them who were all in the best civilian clothing they could muster up. "I don't mean to interrupt, it's just that-"

"No, it's fine," Louis said, gesturing at Cottle's abandoned chair. "Have a seat."

Of course, where one pilot went, others seemed to follow. What started out as Racetrack became Racetrack and Skulls, and then added Hot Dog and Showboat and Twofer. Soon there was an entire crowd around them. Dee glanced over at Louis, but Felix had scooted his chair closer, and the two of them were talking. Noel had just picked up his drink when Kara bumped into him.

"Hey!" he shouted. "Watch it, Starbuck!"

"Don't be such a klutz, Narcho. Reflexes are everything to a pilot, right?"

"Bitch," he muttered vehemently. Dee smothered a giggle.

"Hey, gorgeous." Lee's hand caressed Dee's bare shoulder. "Am I allowed to come over now?"

"You were allowed to come over before," Dee said, although she'd discouraged him. "What's going on tonight that the place is so crowded?"

Lee raised his eyebrows and pointed. Dee turned around, and saw a few musicians setting up. "Live music?" she said excitedly.

"Yeah. Not bad, huh? Joe says they're from the _Demetrius._ Cover band, but he says they're pretty good for a bunch of guys who just played for fun."

Lee looked so relaxed and confident. Dee stood up, pulled him down to sitting, and then settled herself again in his lap. "I don't think I've heard live music since New Caprica," she said.

Lee nodded and gestured with his glass. "There's proof as to how rare it is," he said. Adama was making his way into the bar. Dee raised her eyebrows. The crowd sort of parted for him- when people noticed- but although he was wearing his uniform, it just somehow seemed clear he was off duty.

Adama stopped at the bar and picked up two drinks, and then he picked their way through the crowd towards their table. Lee looked at Dee with surprise written all across his face. "I thought he'd just hang out on the edges," he admitted. "What is he doing?"

The pilots noticed, too. No one said anything, but the volume of conversation dropped. But Adama just nodded to them, and then moved over towards the corner where Felix and Louis were sitting, still deep in conversation.

"Lieutenant Hoshi," Adama said.

Louis looked up. "Admiral," he said, starting to struggle to his feet.

Adama smiled. "No, don't get up. I just wanted to stop by." He smiled, and set one of the drinks down in front of Louis. "It's not often anyone in this Fleet gets to celebrate," he said. "I think it calls for a drink."

"Thank you, sir." Louis accepted the drink, and subtly slid his own still-full glass over to Felix. Dee noticed it; she didn't think that the Admiral did. "I'm glad you could join us."

A speaker squealed, and the guitarist smiled apologetically. Lee shifted Dee on his lap, and she smiled down at him. The band began to play, the music loud and driving and sending vibrations down her bones. Dee closed her eyes and leaned against Lee. For a moment, if she just let her brain be still, she could almost believe she was back on the Colonies.

"They're not that bad," Lee shouted in her ear.

"They're not," Dee agreed, although she wondered if it was just the fact it had been so long since she'd heard live music like this that made them sound so good.

She barely noticed Adama slipping out, but she wasn't at all surprised. She didn't notice Felix and Louis slipping away until she heard Kara say, "Oh, Gods. Is that really supposed to be _dancing_?"

"Oh, for frak's sake, Starbuck, lay off. I've seen you dance, and it's not like you were ready for the Caprican Ballet," Noel snapped. Dee watched them, and as much as she hated to admit it, she had to agree with Kara.

"They don't really think that's remotely attractive, do they?" she shouted to Noel.

Now that Kara's back was turned, Noel was watching through his fingers. "Is it a bridge bunny thing?" he asked. "Seriously. Because it's just… there's a _reason_ we never went dancing."

"It's not a bridge bunny thing," Dee said vehemently.

Noel shook his head and grabbed Dee's hand. "Sir," he said to Lee, "I'm stealing your wife. We need to go give dancing lessons."

"Please," Lee groaned.

"Come on," Noel ordered.

Dee had never danced with Noel. In fact, she was pretty sure she hadn't danced since New Caprica. But Noel was a good dancer, a fact only emphasized by his clothing. (Dee had to admit that she didn't mind that Noel seemed to favor tight jeans when he was out of uniform.) They found a spot near Felix and Louis, and Noel grinned at her. "Because let's face it," he shouted over the music, "two guys named _Felix_ and _Louis_ are gonna be a hell of a lot better at the chalkboard than they are on the dance floor."

And okay, Noel wasn't as good a dancer as he obviously thought he was, but he was certainly reasonable, and when he ran his hands down Dee's waist, she couldn't help laughing in delight. There was a spark of mischief in Noel's eyes that she hadn't seen… well, since that day on the motorcycle. And dancing, she had a brief flash of that same freedom she'd felt that day.

Of course Louis and Felix noticed them, and Louis's expression turned mockingly sour. "Funny," he shouted as the music ended. "You think you're funny, but you're really not."

"You're right," Noel agreed. "Watching you two is frakking _hysterical._" The song ended, and the band began playing a slower song. "Come on, Felix," Noel said. "I'll teach you a trick or two."

Noel pulled Felix away, and Louis turned to Dee. "Care to dance?"

Dee shrugged. "Why not? It's not every party I get to dance with the guest of honor."

Louis smiled awkwardly, and then put a hand on her waist and caught her other hand up. It was odd, Dee thought, as she stepped closer and put her own free hand on his shoulder. They'd fallen asleep on the same bed, and yet… this felt far more intimate and odd. She kept her eyes on Louis's sweater. It was a deep red, and on close inspection she could see that there were spots where the yarn was wearing thin or the knit was unraveling. But from a distance, it still looked good.

"Dee," Louis's voice broke into her thoughts, "would you let me lead?"

"I am," she insisted.

He smiled at her, with a definite sardonic bent. Dee concentrated for a moment on dancing, and then glanced up at Louis's face. He was watching Felix and Noel with an odd expression on his face.

"What?" she asked.

"If I was being really corny, I'd say my past and my future are dancing together."

"You _are_ being really corny," Dee informed him.

"Hey, it's the closest I can get to saying I'm happy without actually saying it," Louis said.

"Are you?"

"Kind of hard to be happy when it's the end of the world." Louis shrugged. "I still think about the _Pegasus_ all the time, and Gemenon. Hell, I still think about Sagittaron sometimes. Sometimes I wake up and I just wish I'd die right then and there, because it's easier than thinking about everything we've lost. But in the middle of all that, I've been given hope. I've been given a new start, I've been given a chance to repair, and I've been given people I love." He squeezed her hand. "So, no, I'm not happy. But I'm probably the man in the Fleet who's closest to it."

Dee nodded and looked down again. She was almost grateful when the song ended, and Lee cut in. "If it's all right with you all," he said, looking over at Noel and Felix as well, "I've never actually danced with my wife since we were married. I'm reclaiming her. If you have no objections," he said, smiling down at her.

"None at all," Dee agreed.

She thought about what Louis had said as she danced with Lee, laughing with him as the music played. Happiness was such an elusive concept these days, and given that, it was no surprise how people crammed into this bar, clinging to the little pleasure they could find in otherwise gray days.

She thought of it again later that night, when she saw Louis dancing with Felix to a slow song. They were dancing close, cheek to cheek, both smiling. When they kissed, it was closemouthed but lingering and slow, and Dee looked away hurriedly. Noel was also watching, and his face split into a wide grin.

"Racetrack!" he shouted. "Let's start collecting!"

"They're just kissing," Racetrack said dubiously.

"In public," Noel pointed out. "Trust me, for Hoshi, that's the equivalent of having sex against the wall. Gaeta, too, I'm guessing." He glanced at Dee, who nodded. "So let's get those cubits." The song ended and Dee looked back at the floor just in time to see Louis and Felix heading towards the door, fingers still entwined. Louis glanced back towards them, caught Dee's eye, and waved goodnight. "See?" Noel said, as if it proved anything.

But apparently it did, because as the two of them started circulating among the pilots, people started paying up.

"It's kind of disturbing," Kara laughed as she dropped her cubits into Noel's hand. "Gods, talk about a stick up the ass."

"Hey," Noel said, "some of us _like_ the stick up the ass." Kara snorted and turned away. Noel's face was hard and angry, and he made a rude gesture behind her back.

Skulls laughed.

Kara turned back around slowly. "Have you got something to say, Narcho?" she asked, in the kind of voice that made it clear she was spoiling for a fight.

"Not really," Noel said, and swung.

Dee stared openmouthed, although Racetrack had the presence of mind to yank her back out of the way. Kara looked just as shocked as Dee felt, and then grinned and landed a punch on Noel's face that made him spin.

The music didn't stop, but a hole began to form in the crowd as Noel and Kara tore into each other. People began cheering, wagers were placed… it was another form of entertainment in an already good night. Dee pushed her way over to where Lee was cheering on Kara. "How much trouble are they going to be in?" she asked him.

"Depends on how much they break," Lee shouted back. "It's just a scuffle- blowing off steam. I'm not reporting it unless it gets- yeah! Come on, Kara!"

Dee stared at him for a moment, and decided not to read anything into it. "Fine," she said, "but I'm betting on Noel."

***

"I heard," Felix said, sitting down next to Noel, "that you fought Kara Thrace after we left last night."

"Yup," Noel said. He had a spectacular shiner and a shit-eating grin. "Won some people a few cubits, too."

"Only because Joe threatened you to ban you both from the bar if you didn't stop, I heard," Felix said dryly.

Noel stared at him. "How the _hell_ does news travel so fast on _Galactica_?" he asked. "Weren't you and Louis frakking each other all night?"

"As flattered as I am that you think I've got that much stamina, no. Not _all_ night," Felix leered. Dee laughed. "We got about twenty minutes before someone started banging on the hatch."

"I'm sure you only needed ten," Dee teased. Felix kicked her.

"So why'd you do it?" Felix asked. "Was it something she said?"

Noel shrugged. "I just wanted to fight."

Felix studied him. "Right," he said finally. "Well, I've got to get to the CIC. You coming, Dee?"

"In a minute." Dee blew on her coffee.

"What?" Noel asked when Felix left.

"Nothing," Dee insisted. "Felix might not mind burning his throat, but I do." She took a sip. "But since you ask, why did you really slug Kara?"

"She was frakking Lee. She got my promotion. She nearly pitched Felix out of an airlock, and yes, I finally got that story. I like Anders, and she dangles him by the short hairs. She's reckless, she's a bitch, and I didn't like the way she was talking about Louis. Pick a reason." Noel sat back, draping his arm over the back of a chair and challenging Dee with his eyes.

"Sounds like you did," she said.

"Nah, I just hit her for all of them." Noel put his feet up on the chair next to Dee. "Why do we still bother to bet cubits, anyway?" he asked. "It's not like we can actually buy anything with them."

"I guess it's just habit," Dee said. "Gods knows you managed to bring in enough of them last night."

"Yeah, between the fight and Louis and Felix finally getting their act together." Noel smiled. "I'm glad, you know," he said. "I know you don't believe me-"

"I do, now," Dee interrupted.

Noel just nodded. "Yeah. It just feels like one more thing settled, you know? Louis being happy."

"Are you happy?" Dee asked suddenly. "I mean, as happy as anyone can be these days?"

"I'm flying," Noel said. He put his boots down, grabbed his coffee, and stood up. "So there's your answer, right there."

Dee watched him go, wondering if that was a _yes_ or a _hell, no._

***

"How'd you pull this detail?" Helo asked when Dee came down to Dogville to help him with the new civilians.

"Fifty-one Sagittarons," Dee said lightly.

"You drew the short straw?"

"Hoshi nearly bodily tossed me down the stairs." Dee made a face. "Last time I mixed him and Sagittarons it went extremely badly."

"Can't really blame him." Dr. Robert appeared at her side. "Glad to see there's at least someone with sense down here, Dee." He extended his hand to Helo. "Dr. Michael Robert."

"Captain Karl Agathon. Good to meet you."

"If you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if Dee helped me. I might need her in convincing some of these… people… to examine them. Is that all right with you, Dee?"

"Certainly, sir. I'll do what I can to help." She looked at the line that was waiting impatiently. "We'll see if it's enough."

***

"Dee… you don't mind if I call you Dee, do you?" Dr. Robert asked as they sat on a pair of crates, chewing down algae bars and resting their aching feet.

"You've been calling me that all day, sir," Dee said, although she really didn't mind.

"Can I ask you something? What made you change your mind about Sagittaron traditions? What made you see the light?"

Dee thought about it. "I grew up in a city," she explained. "In Mynas. I think that helped a lot- city people don't tend to be _as_ traditional. I remember growing up that I didn't go to a doctor regularly, but I had my appendix out when it was inflamed. My parents were willing to follow the traditions as long as it didn't mean our lives." She grinned wryly. "But Mynas wasn't really a good place to grow up. Have you ever been there?" Dr. Robert shook his head. "A lot of unrest and a lot of… not crime, but there were a lot of government buildings. When people wanted to protest, that's one of the places they came." She made a face. "People like Zarek."

"That's right. I remember that."

"I saw my first dead body when I was ten. And I knew I wanted to do _something_. Just sitting there doing nothing wasn't bringing peace like the Gods intended." Dee snorted. "It's just being a doormat. My parents didn't take it well at all."

"I imagine not," Dr. Robert said sympathetically. "I'm really struck by how few people on the _Galactica_ are from Sagittaron."

"There was a while that I was the only one," Dee said. "Back before the attacks. Then we picked up Private Trimall and Corporal Morris."

"And Lieutenant Hoshi."

"He was over on the _Pegasus_," Dee said. "I'd never met him before the _Pegasus_ found the Fleet. There were three others over there, too, although one of them died before the _Pegasus_ found us and another died on New Caprica."

Dr. Robert looked away. "Lots of people died on New Caprica."

"Yeah."

"And not a single Sagittaron lifted a finger to stop it." Dr. Robert paused, and then shook his head. "No, I take that back. Only two Sagittarons lifted a finger to stop it. These people- the same ones that would cast both of you out- owe you both their lives."

Dee wasn't sure how to respond to that, but fortunately Helo came over to join them, and the conversation turned to the much more mundane matters of how to deal with the Mellorak infection that Dr. Robert had noticed. She excused herself as soon as she was done eating, because she had a shift in the CIC, and to be honest, it was a relief.

She glanced back over her shoulder as she headed out of Dogsville. Dr. Robert and Helo were studying something on a clipboard, planning out their strategy. She shook her head. The way Dr. Robert was talking was nothing new to her, not at all. _Everyone_ thought that way, including her and Louis. She glanced at the Sagittarons, huddled together, angry and hating what was left of the world.

She shook her head and left the deck.

***

"Lieutenant."

Dee snapped her head up, blinking hard to focus. "Hoshi," she murmured. "What… I…?"

Louis grabbed her arm and hauled her to her feet. "Dee," he said, "you look like shit."

"Very gracious. I feel like shit."

"Have you slept much?"

"Not since we took on the _Outlander_ passengers," Dee admitted.

"Well, I'm relieving you. Go sleep," Louis ordered.

Dee nodded. Louis released her arm and she wobbled for a moment and then caught herself. "I'll go sleep," she said. Louis nodded.

Dee managed to get back to her quarters and get out of her uniform, but by the time she'd slipped on her sweats she was coughing so hard that she could barely stand. The attack faded, and Dee decided that she'd better change course. She headed down to Dogsville.

Dr. Robert was in his cubicle. He looked exhausted, but when he saw Dee, he gave her a brief smile.

"Hey, Doc?" Dee said, "I don't really feel so good. Think I could get some of that bitamucin?"

"Sure." Dr. Robert put aside the syringe and bottle he'd been working with and picked up another one. "Come here, Dee," he said, and gently injected the shot into her arm. It burned, and she winced. "Didn't want to go to Cottle?" he asked.

"You saw how Cottle does with needles," Dee said. Her stomach lurched, and so did the rest of the world. Dr. Robert caught her.

"Hey, hey," he said, guiding her over to a cot. "You'd better lay down. Now, look, I'm going to give you a sedative, okay?" Another needle pierced her skin. "The bitamucen will take time to do its work, and what your body needs more than anything is sleep, all right? I'll make sure your husband gets word. Just got to sleep."

"Thanks," Dee said, trying to smile and failing miserably. She closed her eyes and drifted away.

***

When she woke up, there were bright lights and the faint sound of beeping. Her brow furrowed, but it wasn't hard at all to remember where she'd heard it before.

"Dee?"

Dee turned her head. "Ishay. Where…?"

"You're in the infirmary. You're fine."

"I know I'm fine," Dee said, although she still felt a bit sick. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Ishay hedged. "Do you remember anything down in Dogsville?"

Dee thought about it. "I went down to see Dr. Robert," she said. "I was feeling sick, and I knew it was the Mellorak- I've been working down there. He gave me the medicine and a sedative, and told me to sleep on the cot."

"Anything else?" There was a blurry memory of Helo insisting she go someplace, but that was all and it made no sense. Dee shook her head. Ishay took a deep breath. "All right." She did a few too many checks, overcautious, Dee thought, for something that was meant to be simple if you took the medicine. It brought back reminders of memories Dee was trying to lay to rest, and she closed her eyes. "Dr. Cottle will be in to see you shortly."

"Dr. Robert was treating me," Dee said. Silence. Dee opened her eyes and looked at Ishay. "What?"

"Dr. Robert won't be treating anyone anymore."  



	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A hearing sets a precedent that no one really likes.

Dee remembered this. Everyone fussing over her, concerned and solicitous, but asking her to repeat her story and taking notes. It reminded her of shortly after the attacks, when the Centurions had boarded the _Galactica_ and she'd been wounded. It also reminded her of debriefing after that night on _Cloud Nine_. Both made her think of Billy, and between that, it was making her even crankier than she would have been.

"Would someone _please_ tell me what's going on?"

Adama and Tigh exchanged glances, and Tigh leaned in. "Lieutenant, we just need to hear it one more time."

Dee sighed heavily. "I was working at my station when I started feeling sick. I'd been helping Dr. Robert down in Dogsville, so I knew it was probably the Mellorak. I told him I didn't feel good, he gave me an injection-"

"What did the injection feel like?" Cottle interrupted.

"I don't know," Dee said irritably. "Like someone stuck a needle in my arm and actually hit their target." Cottle didn't react. "It burned a bit."

Adama and Tigh looked at Cottle, but he nodded. "Butamicin does that."

"Continue," Adama ordered.

"There's not much more to say," Dee insisted. "Dr. Robert gave me the injection and then gave me a sedative, and told me to sleep for a while on the cot. He said he'd make sure Lee knew where I was. I went to sleep like he told me to." She scowled at the faces watching her, but knew better than to argue too much about being questioned.

"Why did you go to Dr. Robert?" Adama asked.

Dee glanced at Cottle and flushed. "Dr. Cottle is a good surgeon, sir, or so I've been told. But when it comes to getting blood from me…"

Adama snorted. "Yeah. I know."

"It's usually clinicians who draw blood," Cottle informed them off-handedly. "Did Dr. Robert urge you to come to him if you exhibited symptoms?"

"No, sir."

"Did he point out you were exhibiting symptoms?"

"He didn't need to. But no, sir, the only person who had time to urge me to go to a doctor was Lieutenant Hoshi."

Cottle groaned. Adama looked over at him. "What?"

"I need to take a look at Hoshi's records."

Adama blinked twice, and then sighed. "Go do that, Doc," he said. "And any other Sagittarons we've got. I want to know how many of my people were affected by this." Cottle nodded. "Is Dee in any danger?" Adama asked.

"No. If he'd given her the poison-"

"The _what_?" Dee interrupted.

"-She'd be dead by now," Cottle said. "She needs more sleep, but she's on the mend."

"All right. Let's let her get some, then." Adama looked at Cottle. "Go check those records."

"Sir?" Dee asked.

Adama had stood up, but he turned back around. "Don't worry about it, Dee. Just get better as fast as you can." He patted her hand, and he and Tigh retreated.

To Dee's relief, Lee entered immediately, holding her clothing. "Get dressed," he told her, "at least enough so you aren't flashing the halls of _Galactica_. I cleared it with Cottle, and he says all you need is sleep. I'm taking you home."

***

It was so much better to be in her own bed, with no lights, no doctors, and no beeping. Just their blankets, her own tanks, and Lee, sitting over her and fussing. Dee nestled deeper into the pillows.

"How are you feeling?" Lee asked.

"Like shit," Dee admitted. "But better than I did." She fidgeted with the blanket. "Thank you for getting me out of there." Lee smiled and took her hand. Dee thought that if she needed proof that Lee _did_ love her, here it really was. She hadn't had to ask and she didn't have to explain. She traced his fingers gratefully. "Lee, what was going on?"

Lee sighed. "Helo found out that Dr. Robert was poisoning some of the Sagittarons," he said.

Dee blinked. "I'm sorry," she said. "_Poisoning?_"

Lee nodded. "Poisoning. He killed four people, Cottle confirmed that with autopsies. Including a three year old girl."

Dee had been about to argue that maybe poison was an easier way to die than Mellorak, but as soon as Lee said _three year old girl_ any protests she might have made died on her lips. She lay back, blinking and trying to process it.

"Are you okay?" Lee finally asked her.

"Yeah. I… I just…" Dee shook her head.

"You're all right, you know. Cottle checked you out thoroughly."

Dee nodded absently. "It's just a shock," she said. She could intellectually believe it- Tigh, Adama, and Cottle wouldn't joke around with something like a murder charge against one of the Fleet's few doctors- but emotionally… "Is there anyone else that Cottle's worried about?"

Lee sighed. "The whole of Dogsville," he said. "Since the Sagittarons _aren't_ accepting the medication- and believe me, any that might have considered it most definitely aren't willing now- he's very worried that the epidemic will spread. And we don't have the supplies to inoculate everyone. But he's pretty sure that no one else has been poisoned this time."

"This time?"

"Helo found records from New Caprica. Dr. Robert's mortality rate on New Caprica for Sagittaron patients was something like ninety percent."

"New Caprica wasn't exactly hospitable."

"It was only fifteen to twenty percent for the other nationalities." Lee sighed. "Cottle admits that his Sagittaron percentage is higher as well, because by the time that most Sagittarons are willing to come for medicine, it's too late." Dee nodded. "But ninety percent…" Lee shook his head. "But don't worry about it right now."

"What are they going to do?" Dee asked.

Lee shrugged. "A trial, first, I'm sure. Then they'll figure it out." He poured her a glass of water and handed it to her, along with some pills. "Cottle said to take these." Dee obeyed, and gratefully drank the water Lee gave her. Her mouth was dry and bitter. "Now, Lieutenant" Lee said, adjusting the blanket, "your orders are to sleep some more, and not let this bother you right now. Get better. They need you in CIC, and I just need you."

Dee smiled sleepily. "All right," she said, obediently closing her eyes.

It wasn't hard to drift off, but when she slept, her dreams were troubled.

***

"You look tired," Dee said as she slid her tray beside Louis's two days later. "Have you been sick as well?"

Louis shook his head, and Dee exhaled in relief. But he didn't smile. "It's just…" he stabbed his algae with his fork, and then glanced around the mess hall. "I spent the night with Felix last night," he said.

"That's not a bad thing, is it?" Dee said, her brow furrowing.

Louis managed a small, tight smile. "No, not a bad thing. And part of it is just trying to wedge two grown men into one rack. It's been a long time since either of us have done that for a night, and working the shifts we do, we don't get that much practice." He fiddled with his fork. "Even with Noel, after the attacks, we never really… anyway, yeah. Racks aren't built for two."

"They're not," Dee agreed neutrally.

Louis just closed his eyes and leaned forward, massaging his temples. "Felix had a nightmare last night." The words sort of burst out of him. "He was crying- literally crying- in his sleep."

"What was it about?" Dee asked.

"I don't know. He said _he_ didn't know. But Gods, Dee, you should have seen him. He was white as a ghost, and he was sweating, and I've got this huge bruise on my ribs where he elbowed me." Louis rubbed his face. "I've never seen anything like it. I mean, everyone has nightmares these days, but this…."

"New Caprica?" Dee hazarded.

"I asked the same thing. It's got to be- he said he's never had nightmares like this before then." He sighed. "I feel like I only know the surface of it, like something else horrible happened there that he hasn't told me."

"Well," Dee said, looking down at her plate, "he did have a bad experience with Baltar."

"Yes," Louis agreed, drawing the syllable out, "and I'm not going to deny that. I know he loved him, but look, I've been hurt that bad before. It feels like your heart's ripped out, it hurts worse than anything… but it's not the kind of thing that makes you wake up white and gasping for breath, you know? He wasn't just sad. He was _afraid._ I think whatever he was dreaming about had nothing to do with Baltar."

"Well, not directly," Dee said. "_Everything_ on New Caprica comes back to Gaius Baltar."

"Fair enough," Louis agreed. "Look, please don't tell Felix-"

"I won't," Dee promised.

"Thanks." Louis sat back and cleared his throat. "By the way, did you get a subpoena yet?"

"A subpoena?"

"For Dr. Robert's hearing?"

"No," Dee said. "Should I be expecting one?"

Louis shrugged. "I got one," he said. "And given Helo's panic attack when he found you down in Dogsville…"

"Yeah," Dee said mournfully. "I'll be expecting it."

***

The television in the rec room was grainy and didn't get the best reception, but the screens of the Colonies were memories often best forgotten. Dee settled down at a table with Lee and Felix to watch the news. The familiar Colonial theme played, and the conversations in the room quieted down a notch.

"Good evening. I'm Playa Palacios, and this is the Fleet News broadcast, on the two hundred and sixty third day following the second Exodus. Our top story tonight: Former President Gaius Baltar has been apprehended and is being held aboard the _Galatica_, awaiting trial for crimes against humanity."

"So the press finally got the story, huh?" Racetrack chuckled. "Everyone's known that."

Dee looked over at Felix, who didn't look back at her. He just stared straight ahead.

"I wonder how the other ships are taking it," Lee muttered. He leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees, interest sparking in his eyes. "And the fact we've been keeping it quiet so long."

"It was best that way, I suppose," Dee said. "Most people still haven't healed from New Caprica." On the screen, Playa was summarizing the other news stories of the day, including a report on the ongoing space issues and a summation of a ruling the Quorum had passed regarding intraFleet travel. "I'm surprised I haven't seen anything on Robert's trial." She had gotten her subpoena, just as Louis had predicted, and it was set for three days from now.

Lee shrugged. "I'm not. They don't want to make a big deal of it in case he's found innocent."

"But he-"

"Shh!" Hot Dog shushed them. Playa had returned to talking about Baltar and his trial.

"-Aboard the _Galactica_ for several weeks. The Admiral and the President have no comment on that particular aspect, but Jeanne Tracey was able to obtain a five minute interview with the former president. Let's take a look at that footage…"

Felix looked away in disgust as Baltar appeared on the screen, long haired, disheveled and unshaven. Someone in the back booed, and a splattering of algae hit the screen. "Hey!" Lee shouted, standing up and slipping into CAG mode. "Don't mess with the equipment, all right?"

"Sorry, sir."

Lee didn't bother to locate the source.

"And you've been treated well?" the reporter was asking Baltar.

"If you define _well_ as being imprisoned, threatened, sleep-deprived, tortured with psychotropic drugs, and stabbed with a pen well, then yes."

"Stabbed with a pen?" Hot Dog chortled it the same time as Jean asked the same question. Dee and Lee both looked at Felix, who was sitting incredibly still, eyes wide, very much like the quintessential deer caught in headlights.

"Yes, my former aide de camp," Baltar said, and the entire room turned and looked at Felix. "Fortunately, he missed."

Felix buried his head in his arms.

"I can't believe Dad's allowing this," Lee said, staring at the screen in shock.

"What can he do?" Dee asked. "He can't tear them off the air right now." She put a cautious hand on Felix's back. He didn't move.

"But to even let them down into the brig in the first place… He should have-"

"Hey, Gaeta," Twofer shouted from the back, "couldn't have used a gun?"

"Haven't you heard?" someone else shouted, "the pen is mightier than the sword!"

"Everyone thinks that joke is funny," Felix scowled. He shrugged off Dee's hand, stood up, and headed for the door. But as he did, several pilots got to their feet and began to applaud. Felix stopped and turned around, wide-eyed. Dee supposed she couldn't blame him- he'd been shunned by so many of the crew for so long. But there was Easy, Twofer, Shambles and Ramper- all pilots who had mustered out, all pilots who had been on New Caprica- standing and clapping. Felix nodded stiffly and then left.

Dee turned to Lee, who was watching the room thoughtfully. "What?" she asked him.

"I don't know," Lee said, watching the faces in the room. There was so much anger brewing here, Dee realized, and so much hate. "I just have a feeling this trial is going to be trouble."

"It's Gaius Baltar," Dee sighed. "How can it not be? Maybe they should just have executed him before anyone found out." She thought of all the wounds that would be ripped open anew as this trial proceeded, all the wounds that _Felix_ would have ripped open.

"I'm glad they didn't do that," Lee said. "It would have been murder. This way, it's justice." His face was set in firm lines that made him look like a statue of the god he'd gotten his callsign from, and Dee couldn't help but smile.

***

The hearing for Dr. Michael Robert, however, wasn't a media circus, and it wasn't held in a giant courtroom with a tribunal of judges. It was held in a small conference room on _Galactica_, with the doctors in the Fleet, Larissa Adell, captain of the _Demetrius_, and few people in attendance. No press was allowed in. Dr. Robert sat at a table, wearing the same scrubs he'd been wearing when he'd been taken away; cloth wasn't allotted for prison jumpsuits.

Dee sat next to Louis. His face was impassive, the same sort of look he usually had in the CIC, as he listened to Helo describe how he'd discovered that Dr. Robert had murdered Sagittarons, not only on _Galactica_ but on New Caprica. The faces of the doctors were similar to Louis's; impassive, cold, and detached.

"Thank you, Captain Agathon," Dr. Gerard said, looking down at his notes. He leaned over towards a woman that had been identified as Dr. Stoffa and whispered something to her. She listened and nodded. Dr. Robert was watching Helo with hatred clearly written across his face. Helo's testimony was completely damning, and although one could make a case for improper procedures for obtaining evidence or whatever lawyers called it, Dee had the distinct impression that it wouldn't matter. Her impression was only strengthened by the stern look on Cottle's face.

Dr. Gerard tapped his pen. "I think that's all pretty clear," he said. He looked down at his notes. "Lieutenant Hoshi, can we have you up here, please?"

Louis stood, and Dee noticed two things: one, Dr. Robert didn't look at him, and two, there was no lawyer in the room.

What the frak _was_ this, anyway?

"Lieutenant Hoshi," Dr. Gerard said, as Hoshi awkwardly settled into the seat, "I understand you've been a patient of Robert's, right?"

"Yes, sir."

"I'm not terribly interested about your time on _Galactica_. Cottle's gone over that with me, and that all seems to be in order. What I am interested in is the fact you had a bone marrow biopsy done on New Caprica, right?"

"Yes, sir."

"And what were the results?"

"Negative, sir."

"Did you have any reason to believe they might be positive?"

Louis shrugged. "I thought they would be. Something turned up in my bloodwork. Every other time that's happened and I got sent for a biopsy, the biopsy came back positive. But I figured that Captain Raimens on the _Pegasus_ wasn't that used to looking for AML, or that he was being overcautious."

"Your leukemia is recurring, am I correct?"

"Yes, sir."

"So you've had bone marrow biopsies before."

"Yes, sir."

"Was this one any different?" Louis looked down at his hands for a long time. Dee edged forward, because this was the first time his answer hadn't come quickly. "Lieutenant Hoshi?"

"I wasn't given a local anesthetic."

Dee's eyes widened, and the doctors perked up interest as well, except for Dr. Robert, who now buried his face in his arms. "You weren't given a local?" Cottle asked, leaning forward.

"No, sir. But medical supplies were low on New Caprica at the time. That's what Dr. Robert told me, and I believed him. I'd delivered supplies from the _Pegasus_ to Dr. Cottle the day before."

"There was enough local to give a man having a bone marrow biopsy one!" Cottle said, looking over at Robert. "Or at least a frakking drink!"

Dr. Gerard sighed. "So, no local." He looked away from Louis. "Tell me something, Dr. Robert. Did you lie about the test results?"

Their eyes clashed, and Dee held her breath. Finally, Dr. Robert turned to look at Louis. "I'm sorry," he said to Louis, "but I did. I never ran the tests. When you came in, you were wearing civilian clothing and made no mention of your rank. I didn't realize that you were…"

"That I was what?" Louis asked, his eyes narrowing. "Human?"

"I didn't realize that you were military," Dr. Robert said, speaking directly to Louis. "You told me your history, told me you were Sagittaron, but you never told me you were in the military."

"We talked for two minutes," Louis said sternly. "You made it pretty clear you were busy. Ishay did the prep and recovery work."

Dr. Robert ignored that. "If I'd known you were military, I would have done everything I could to save you. In fact, once I knew you were military, I _did_ do everything I could to save you. Her, too, for that matter," Dr. Robert said, glancing over at Dee.

"And what did you do in your office back on the Colonies?" Louis demanded. "When a Sagittaron walked in, did you tell them to get out? Refuse to treat them? Demand insurance paperwork they didn't have?"

"A Sagittaron never did walk in!" Dr. Robert protested. "Sagittarons don't walk into doctor's offices."

"Some do," Louis shot back. "But once we're in there, we're made to crawl."

Understanding lit Dr. Robert's face. "This isn't about me for you, is it? This is about how you've been treated before this."

"Like hell it isn't!" Dee drew back, recognizing that danger look on Hoshi's face. "You didn't test the bone marrow you took without a local- which was hell, I might add? How the _frak_ do you think this isn't about you?"

"Well, you're still alive!" Dr. Robert retorted.

"That's not the point!" Cottle interjected. "If that leukemia had been any further along, he very well might not be!"

"All right, we get the picture," Captain Adell broke in. "Lieutenant Hoshi, when you, er, started being treated for leukemia again, did Robert mistreat you in any way?"

"No," Louis said. "That's why this is all…" he clamped his mouth shut, but Dee knew what he'd wanted to say. _That's why this is all such a shock. That's why this hurts. I trusted you, and you frakked me over._ Louis shook himself. "I even invited him to the bar for a drink when I was officially in remission."

Captain Adell nodded. "Anyone else have any other questions for Lieutenant Hoshi?" There was a general shaking of heads, and Dee thought that Dr. Robert looked truly miserable. Louis stood up and swept by him, returning to his seat. Dr. Robert opened his mouth as he passed by, and Dee was sure he was about to say something apologetic. But the moment passed.

"Lieutenant Dualla?" Dr. Gerard called. "Might as well get the three of you out of here."

Dee's own questioning was brief and reminiscent of the questions that Colonel Tigh and Admiral Adama had asked her. She was grateful when they were done, and when they were released. All three of them made their way out into the hall.

"This will take a while," Cottle told them as they exited the room. "I wouldn't wait around." The hatch closed.

Helo stared at it for a long time. "I hope they put him away until we find Earth," he said, his tone more strident and vicious than Dee was used to hearing from him. "I can't believe…" his jaw squared as he stopped talking, and then he looked over at Louis. "Are you all right?" he asked.

"I'm fine," Louis said shortly. He checked his watch. "Frak. I've got duty in a half-hour. So much for a downshift." He nodded curtly to them, and then stalked off. Helo watched him go.

"He's not all right," he observed.

"He will be," Dee said. "You knew, right?"

"Bits and pieces," Helo confirmed. "I was XO when he was diagnosed. He made it pretty clear he didn't want to talk about it, so I never asked anything more." Helo shrugged. "Glad he made it through okay, although it sounds like it was a close call." He squeezed her arm. "Glad _you_ made it through the Mellorak okay. And Dr. Robert." He smiled, but his face quickly turned serious again. "How are _you_ doing?"

"More upset about Louis than I am about myself," Dee admitted. "He gave me the medicine."

"But still-"

"I know. You know what the worst part is?" she asked as they fell into step together. "I don't know what I'd do to him. Not treating Sagittarons-"

"It's not the fact he didn't treat them," Helo pointed out. "It's the fact he poisoned them. There's a difference."

"I know," Dee sighed. "I just really liked him."

"Yeah," Helo said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "I did, too."

***

They were all certain that there would be a trial, and that Dr. Robert would be convicted quickly. "The evidence is just overwhelming," Louis told Dee as they jogged around the ship four days later. "I'm not sure what they'll do, but I-"

"Lieutenants," Colonel Tigh appeared in front of them, bringing both Dee and Louis up suddenly. "The Admiral wants to speak to both of you."

"Aye, sir," Louis said, slowing down to a walk and following on Tigh's heels. Dee swallowed. It had to be about Robert. Either that, or Gage had blown up the communications console.

Adama was sitting at his desk and looked up when they both walked in. He looked tired, Dee thought; tired and slightly defeated. It wasn't a look she was used to seeing on his face.

"Lieutenant Hoshi. Lieutenant Dualla." Despite the fact they were both in sweats, Dee and Louis drew to attention. "Have a seat." They both obeyed, and Adama sighed. He didn't, however, set down his pen; he kept staring at the desk, glancing up at them every now and then. It was a sure sign he didn't like what he was about to tell them. "The board, I guess we're calling it, as come to a decision about Michael Robert."

Dee raised her eyebrows, and Louis leaned forward slightly. "Sir?"

"The decision is to suspend a trial at this time. Dr. Robert will be placed on probation, and assigned to the _Zephyr_. All of his patients are to be cleared through the board, and he's never to so much as take a temperature without a nurse in the room. Once we find Earth, they'll reopen the matter. The proceedings," Adama paused, writing something out, "the proceedings of the hearing are to be kept strictly confidential. The board has determined that Dr. Robert is only a threat to the Sagittarons, and the last thing we need is a Fleet-wide panic."

Dee stared at Adama. When she looked over at Louis, his mouth hanging open and his eyes baffled, she knew his face was a mirror of her own. "Sir," Louis managed to say, his voice sounding strangled. "Are you saying…?"

"I am saying, Mr. Hoshi, that I don't want to hear a word of this." Adama finally looked up. "As much as I hate to admit it, this Fleet needs doctors. Even taking one out of rotation creates problems we aren't prepared to face."

"But he _poisoned_ people!" Louis protested. "And you're just going to sit there and let him go and take his word that he won't do it again? He killed a three year old girl!"

Adama's face darkened. "That's enough, Mr. Hoshi."

Louis bit his lip and subsided. "I apologize, sir," he said stiffly.

Adama gave such a short, quick nod that Dee barely caught it. All he said was, "That's the decision. You're both dismissed." And he turned back to his writing.

Dee got to her feet. She glared at Adama, but he didn't look up. He just kept writing.

But when she looked more closely, his hand was shaking.

***

"So, did Dad talk to you about Dr. Robert?" Lee asked later that night.

"Yes," Dee said shortly.

Lee smiled and kissed her cheek as he hung up his jacket. "He said Hoshi mouthed off to him a bit."

Despite herself, Dee snorted. "The Admiral thinks _that_ was Hoshi mouthing off?" she said.

"Not one of his finer performances?"

"Seriously lacking in the vitriol," Dee agreed. She sat down on the bed. "I'm sure Helo had… words about the subject."

"I might have gotten an earful or two," Lee agreed.

"And do you agree with them?"

"Helo and Hoshi? Or the board's decision?"

"Either."

"Yes."

"That was highly edifying."

Lee laughed, and sat down on the bed across from her. "No, what Dr. Robert did was unforgivable," he agreed. "You don't abuse people's trust like that, and you don't… well, I don't need to spell it out. But at the same time, I see why they made the decision they did. It is survival, Dee."

"Survival. What about justice?"

Lee sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Any other time in our lives I would have agreed with you. But say we put Robert out the airlock today, and an epidemic spreads tomorrow. Or Cottle dies of smoke asphyxiation. What happens then? Where does that leave the thousands of people that need medical treatment? Dr. Robert was right when he said someone has to make the hard decisions, and the board made one. Everything in me tells me that he should be locked up forever and we should throw away the key. But we just can't do it, Dee. It's shooting ourselves in the foot."

"And the people that died?"

Lee shook his head. "Killing Robert won't bring them back anyway," he pointed out. "It will only make it harder to save other lives." He sighed. "There's something else you should know. Dad had me read the proceedings."

Dee shrugged uncomprehendingly. "So?"

"Well, I'm assuming AML stands for acute myeloid leukemia, and not Aerelon Military Legion, which was the only other use of the initials I could find in my search."

"Oh, frak," Dee sighed. "Yeah. It does."

Lee looked baffled. "Why all the secrecy?" he asked. "Why's he hiding it?"

Dee shrugged. "It's private. He doesn't talk about it much."

"It's not something to be ashamed of," Lee said. "Look at President Roslin. She had breast cancer and everyone in the Fleet knew it."

"And she probably would have kept it secret if she could," Dee riposted. "But her situation was a little bit different."

"But still-"

"Come on, Lee," Dee said. "Neither of us have picked up the comm unit and said _attention all hands, Lieutenant Dualla is recovering just fine from her ectopic pregnancy._ There are other reasons besides shame to keep silent."

"I guess," Lee conceded.

Dee softened. "Part of it is that he's afraid it would change people's opinions of him. Make them think there are things that he can and can't do."

"I wouldn't think that," Lee immediately denied.

"Maybe not," Dee said, "but it is a risk."

"If anything, it makes me think better of him. I wouldn't have thought that he had that kind of guts. Dad said he was there for one of the bone marrow biopsies, and that he nearly passed out watching it." Lee smiled. "And it sure changed your opinion of him."

"No, it didn't," Dee contradicted.

"Sure it did," Lee laughed. "You went into the infirmary hating his guts, and you came out practically best friends."

Dee pulled her knees up close to her chest and rested her chin on them, thinking about that. "No," she finally decided. "That's definitely not true. It was much more gradual than that."

Lee smiled, but it was his dismissive, _whatever_ smile. Dee thought about arguing more, but decided it wasn't worth it. Instead, she just let him reach out and cup her cheek. "Anyway," he said, smiling at her, "I'm just relieved that you were all right. I don't know what I would have done if I'd lost you."

She leaned into his caress and smiled, and he ran his thumb over her cheek.

***

"The thing is," Louis said, lining up his shot, "I just feel like it sets this dangerous precedent. Like, it's fine to do what you want, as long as you're essential to the survival of the Fleet."

"Starbuck," Noel pointed out as Louis knocked the seven into the corner pocket.

"Fair enough," Louis agreed. "And Tigh and Tyrol and their buddies, for that matter." He looked over his shoulder at Felix, who was leaning on his pool cue. "But I wonder what would have happened if he was poisoning Capricans. Or even Taurons or Aerelons."

"Probably the same exact thing," Dee said. Louis scratched, and she scooped the cue ball out of the pocket.

"Except that there are more Capricans or Taurons wandering around the Fleet," Felix pointed out. "The Sagittarons tend to stick together."

"My point remains the same," Louis said. "It's still a dangerous precedent to be setting. _Especially_ if they're going to try Baltar."

Dee neatly knocked the six into the side pocket. "What do you mean?" Dee asked, setting up her next shot. "Baltar isn't going to walk. There's no way."

"And he's not exactly essential to the survival of the Fleet," Noel pointed out. "Nice shot, Dee!" He shot a triumphant smirk at Felix and Louis. Felix made a face back. "I mean, what does the guy do besides drink, have sex, and screw everyone over?"

"He is brilliant," Felix admitted, like someone was pulling teeth.

"So are you, baby," Louis said, patting Felix on the shoulder. Dee and Noel glanced at each other and smothered snickers. But Felix just shook his head.

"I'm not like Gaius," he said. "Gaius was one of the greatest minds in the Colonies, and _is_ the greatest mind left alive. When he chooses to actually use it," he added bitterly. "I don't have the intuition and the understanding that he does."

"But getting him to use it is a whole other issue," Dee pointed out. "I mean, what good is that mind if he won't put it to use?"

"Exactly," Louis agreed.

"Which means?" Noel prompted.

"It means that the precedent that they're setting here with Dr. Robert is dangerous," Louis said, scowling.

"It's not going to happen, though," Dee insisted. "It _can't_ happen."

"Actually," Felix said, "it could."

They all stopped and looked at him.

"Felix," Louis began, but Felix cut him off with an angry shake of his head.

"I'm not saying it _should_," he said. "Is it my shot?" He lined it up and scratched, and then swore. "I'm saying that it could."

"How?" Dee demanded.

"Well, the Cylons basically told Baltar that surrender was the only option. If he'd resisted-"

"He would have been killed," Noel said.

"Yeah, but he could say that eventually they would have gotten sick of killing leaders, especially the Cavils. They would have just nuked the place. I don't agree with that, but a lot of people might see the logic in that."

"I guess," Dee said dubiously, even though she knew Felix was right on that one. "But beyond that…"

"Beyond that, most of his advisors are either dead, collaborators, or were in prison the whole time. No one was there in his office through the whole occupation. I mean, we all know that he frakked things up, but no one saw him do it."

"No one except you," Louis said into the ensuing silence.

"Yeah," Felix said, considering that. "No one except me."

They stood there for a long moment.

"Hey!" Showboat was standing nearby. "Are you guys going to finish your game or not? Because if you're not, let other people use the table!"

Felix glared at her, shot the final ball in, and then tossed her the cue. "Here," he said, and retreated to the table where their bottle was waiting. Dee, Noel, and Louis all exchanged glances and then joined him.

"Felix," Dee finally asked, after they sat in silence, "are you being called as a witness?"

"No one's said anything about it," Felix said, "but I can't imagine I won't be. I was his frakking chief of staff."

Noel considered it. "If no one was there but you, and it comes down to your word against his…"

"Noel!" Dee was the one to actually say it, but they were all thinking it. And yet… And yet they were all thinking that Noel might be right, too. Dee looked at Felix to see his reaction.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "It won't come to that." He scoffed. "After all, what do I know about law? They won't let him walk. Not after what he's done." He snorted. "I can't imagine the defense will even care all that much."

"That's right," Noel agreed, jumping on it. "They'll get some two-bit lawyer in just to make a show of it, to make it look like they're giving him a fair trial, and then they'll go through the case and toss him out the airlock."

Felix nodded, and Louis raised his glass, muttering, "so say we all." But even though Dee smiled and clinked her glass to Louis's, she thought it might not be that easy.

***

"Hey. You're home earlier than I thought," Dee said, as she let herself into their quarters.

"Yeah, well, I had some reading I wanted to do," Lee said. He held up a thick book. "It was my grandfather's, if you can believe that. Dad gave it to me a few weeks ago."

She'd known… everyone knew that Joseph Adama had been a lawyer. And Lee had told her, a long time ago, about how he'd considered going into law. And yet, for some reason, a shiver passed down Dee's spine as she looked at the law books her husband was reading. She ignored it and kissed him on the lips.  



	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting what you wish for is a dangerous prospect- sometimes it brings what you want, and sometimes, it's the exact opposite.

"What do you see, Narcho?" Dee asked, looking down at the illuminated table. The deck was hers, and she'd finally lost that feeling of being on stage as she stood in the Admiral's place.

"A whole lot of nothing. Looks like it's going to be an easy CAP today," Noel said over the comm unit. "We have sunny skies, smooth flying, and no turbulence."

"Well, keep your eyes open, Pookie." Dee looked up and smirked at Felix, who glared at her from tactical.

"Anything you say, Snookums," Noel said gleefully.

Louis sighed, and Dee could hear it clearly in her ear. "You two think you're funny," he said dryly, "but you're really not."

"Yes, we are," Noel said, and Dee could hear his grin. "We- oh, frak, Gaeta, are you picking this up?"

Felix had, and swirled to alert the brass. "DRADIS contact! I've got two raiders bearing four eight seven."

Dee glanced up at the screen. "Looks like a patrol," she said. Adama and Tigh weren't on deck, and the protocol was simple. "Engage and destroy."

It was almost like watching a well-oiled machine. The routine was so familiar, and by the time Adama and Tigh made it to the CIC, the two Raiders had been shot down.

"Is Narcho rating the Top Gun stein yet?" Dee heard Tigh ask Adama.

"He's got to be getting close," Adama said. He strode over to where Dee was standing at the table, and Dee fought back her smile. "Sitrep, Lieutenant."

"Two raider scouts, sir. Destroyed. We didn't pick up any transmissions, but you never know."

"Good work, Lieutenant." Adama raised his voice to address the whole CIC. "Good work, people. Mr. Hoshi, transmit the jump coordinates to the rest of the Fleet. Mr. Gaeta, spool up the FTL drives. I don't want to be here when those raiders resurrect."

"Yes, sir." Felix winked at Dee and turned back to his station.

Dee stood in the center of the CIC and stifled her smile. This felt good. This felt like home.

***

She managed to be down by the hangar deck when Noel came off CAP. He swung out of his Viper, crouched on the wing and knelt down to talk to Chief Tyrol. He was laughing, but there was a hard edge to it that Dee didn't often see. This was Narcho, hot-shot _Pegasus_ Viper jock, all arrogance and cocky smiles.

"So there he was, right in front of me. Got my guns on him and BANG!"

"How do you know it was a he?" Tyrol asked, looking up from his checklist.

"Because the males don't fly so aggressively. I don't know- I just said he, and that's fine because let's not take this into yet another conversation about Raider sex, okay? I'm trying to regale you with my heroic tale."

"Yeah, well, it's not working, buddy. I'm still married."

"You don't know what you're missing. Right, Dee?" Noel called out as he saw her on the stairs. He jumped down off the wing of his Viper, strode over and picked her up, twirling her around. Dee couldn't help it; she laughed.

"Put me down," she ordered him, still laughing. "I know nothing of the sort."

"And you still have to go through your check," Tyrol said, tapping his clipboard against his hand. But he was smiling. "Come on. You can gloat later- _after_ I'm done with you."

Noel waggled his eyebrows. "Is that a promise?"

Tyrol rolled his eyes and whacked him on the ass with the clipboard. "Get moving." Noel sighed heavily and headed back to his Raptor. "He's frakking nuts," Tyrol told Dee.

"You ought to see him after he gets to have a little power," Dee said.

"Yeah? Great, because if he keeps flying like this, Adama's going to have no choice but to promote him." Tyrol headed towards the Viper. "Gods help us all."

Dee smiled. She leaned back against the railing, watching them work through the list, a little more rapidly now that Noel had managed to discharge some of his post-fight energy. The other Vipers had docked as well. Dee could hear Kara shouting at one of the nuggets, her insults bouncing off the cavernous walls of the hangar deck. Her voice still grated on Dee's nerves, but not nearly as badly as it had a month or two ago.

Noel finally finished up with his Viper and strode back over to where Dee was waiting. "You did good, girl," he said, draping a companionable arm around her shoulders. "Were the brass in the CIC?"

"Nope. I had the deck."

"Thought so. You know, it's funny. I don't know why promotion still matters, but it does. It's not like there's a pay increase, or that many people to be impressed by the status."

"Acknowledgement?" Dee speculated. "Power?"

"Maybe," Noel said as they began to wander through the organized chaos of Vipers, Raptors, and knuckledraggers. "Or maybe just something left to hold on to- something that was normal from before. Hell, I don't know. I suppose it really doesn't matter as long as I get to take toasters out. But still…" he shrugged. "You know, though, you're going to get promoted before Felix or Louis does."

"What makes you say that?" Dee asked.

"I keep track of how often you guys have the bridge. You get it more than either of them. You, then Louis, then Felix."

"No," Dee denied. "That can't be right. I've been hearing Adama say, 'Mr. Gaeta, you have the bridge' since I was first assigned to _Galactica_."

"And he still does," Noel agreed. "He just is giving it to you a little more often these days. Come on, Dee, it makes sense."

"I'm his daughter-in-law?" Dee asked sourly.

"Well, that too, but also you were XO on the _Pegasus_. I'm telling you, Dee, one day we're going to run the world."

Dee shook her head, laughing. "I can't imagine _Galactica_ without the Admiral in charge."

"Well, technically, _you'll_ be Admiral." Noel grinned. "You can be Admiral, Louis can be your XO, you'll promote Felix to major and he'll stay on as Senior Officer of the Watch-"

"Why not the other way around?"

"Because Felix is the better navigator, and Louis is better at busting people's asses. And I'll be your CAG."

"And we'll all blow up toasters and live happily ever after?" Dee asked.

"Exactly."

"And Lee? I notice he's not in this equation."

"Oh. Right. Well, rumor has it Adama's frakking Roslin, so-"

"Not you, too!" Dee pushed Noel. "Would you guys _stop_ trying to put images of my father-in-law having sex in my head? Please? And with _President Roslin_ of all people?"

"I wonder if he calls her Madame President in bed," Noel mused. "'Oh yeah, Madame President, you like it like that, don't you?'" Noel pitched his voice lower in a very bad imitation of the Admiral. "'Ride my articles, and I'll give you a little DRADIS contact. Airlock me, baby.'"

Dee shoved Noel harder. "That's enough," she said, laughing so hard she could barely breathe. "Oh my Gods, do you really think people talk like that in bed?"

"Want to hear my guess on what Felix and Louis sound like?"

"NO."

"You just don't appreciate good performance art," Noel sniffed. He returned to her side and put his arm back around her shoulders. They passed Starbuck, still chewing out her nugget. Noel made a face. "I'd love to get in there and contradict her," he said, his expression turning a bit harder, "but she's right. It was a frakking stupid mistake that Pliers made. When we get to Earth…" he trailed off.

"What?" Dee asked.

"Nothing," Noel said. "I just realized, that's the first time I've really said that."

"Really?" But it made sense. The _Pegasus_ hadn't had nearly so optimistic an imperative after the attacks.

"It's a good day," Noel said as he guided them towards the steps. And the funny thing was, Dee realized that she was surprised to hear him say that, and surprised to see him smile.

***

"Guess what Skulls and Racetrack found?" Felix asked, slipping into a seat next to Louis in the mess hall.

Louis eyed him suspiciously. "Tell me we're not settling on this one."

"And please, _please_ tell me there's no algae," Dee added.

"Neither," Felix said. "The atmospheric pressure is too high for it to be remotely habitable. Frakking hot, too. Carbon dioxide atmosphere, not a drop of water, and a shitload of red rocks."

"Sounds like a fantastic place for a romantic little getaway," Louis deadpanned.

"Or a Fleetwide refueling. There's enough electromagnetic radiation to make anything electronic go a little haywire." Felix leaned on his forearms on the table.

"Sounds like an exciting time for you all," Noel said. "And a little rest for us." He looked smug.

Louis looked at him. "You look like you could use it," he said bluntly.

"No, I'm fine," Noel said. "Just flying a little too hard. Speaking of which," he glanced at his watch, "I'm supposed to meet Hot Dog in a few minutes for some weight training. See you all later." He gave them all a salute and walked out.

Felix watched him go, eyebrows furrowed together. "Is it just me, or has Noel been acting strange the past few days?"

"Just you," Dee said. "He's actually been in a good mood."

"That's actually kind of my point," Felix said. "He's been acting like he's in a good mood, but Louis is right- he looks exhausted."

"I think you're both reading too much into it," Dee said.

"Hey, only Felix. I just commented he looked exhausted. There are other reasons for looking exhausted besides Cylons, and some of them fit nicely into being happy, too." Louis leered at Felix. "Maybe he's finally found someone."

"Who?" Dee asked, because Noel hadn't even _mentioned_ getting laid.

Louis shrugged. "Got me. But he seems happy."

Dee glanced back over her shoulder where Noel had disappeared, and remembered him celebrating his kill earlier that week. She looked at Felix and Louis, who weren't quite nuzzling each other, but were sitting shoulder to shoulder, Louis's hand on Felix's knee and Felix's arm draped over the back of Louis's chair. She thought of Lee, and how well things seemed to be going.

She had a bad feeling about all of this.

***

"Sixty seconds to hard deck," Felix said urgently. "Dee, vector red section to Apollo's last known, set alert Vipers to ready one."

Dee nodded acknowledgment. "Hotdog, Hex, divert to 715..." Her heart was in her throat. They were too close to the planet. If they got sucked down, Lee would be… no. She couldn't think about that. Not now. She focused on the comm console, willing her mind and soul back to her job. Duty first.

She could hear Lee's voice in her hear, shouting to Kara. Oddly enough, it didn't hurt. Maybe because she knew that if it was Hot Dog or Noel or even one of the nuggets headed towards that vortex, Lee would be doing the exact same thing. The same exact damn thing. Because that's who Lee was.

Then Kara's line went dead into static, and Lee was screaming. The world slowed down for a minute, as Adama yelled at Lee to abort. Dee wanted to join in, begging Lee with her entire being to get back here to _Galactica_, to make it home _safe_.

She glanced across the CIC at Felix. Felix had his back to her and his head bowed, and the thought flashed through Dee's mind that it might be for the best. She looked away from him.

"Lee, do you have her in sight?" Adama asked. "Can you see her?"

Lee's voice was ragged with pain. "Negative, she ... went in. She went in."

"We're sending in the search and rescue birds right now," Adama insisted. "We'll find her."

"No, Dad, it's no use. Her ship's in pieces." Lee's voice broke. "Her ship's in pieces. No chute. We lost her."

The CIC was silent. It always was after they lost a pilot, but Dee felt this silence deep into her bones.

No one was looking at her, but she looked down at the console again, not wanting to meet anyone's eyes. She wasn't sure _what_ she felt, and the last thing she needed was anyone ascribing inappropriate emotions to her. And she didn't feel that- not at all. There was no smugness, no mean gladness, no relief that Kara Thrace would ever threaten her marriage or even _look_ at Lee again.

At least, not that Dee would ever admit to.

***

She met Felix after their shift, in the hall outside the CIC.

"Louis is on communications," Dee said quietly.

"And Noel's flying CAP."

"Good," Dee said, nodding. "It's just you and me. Come on. We're getting drunk together."

They found a bottle of whiskey and retreated to the officer's quarters. Felix shucked his boots off and tossed them outside the hatch, and Dee sat down on the rack that she was pretty sure belonged to Kelly. Felix found two glasses, sniffed them to make sure they were clean, and poured them each a huge tumbler. He handed Dee one, and without a word they both knocked them back. The liquor burned Dee's throat with a fiery heat and made her eyes water. Felix poured them both another glass immediately.

"To Starbuck," he said, holding up his own glass as he sat down on Louis's rack. "She's out of our lives for good."

Dee felt horrendously guilty, but only because she knew that most of the world would condemn her if they knew. But she was sitting across from Felix, who _must_ be feeling the same way, and he was just sitting there accepting that she felt the way she did. She clinked her glass against his. "She's out of our lives for good," she agreed.

They drank.

They looked at each other, and Felix smiled. There was light in his eyes, like a demon had been exorcised and a little of his burden had been washed away.

"It's not that she was all bad," Dee hazarded.

"No," Felix agreed. "But Dee, we already have to pretend for everyone else. Literally everyone else. You can't exactly let Lee know that you're a little glad his former mistress is _dead_, and don't think for a minute I'm going to be letting Louis see this. For a few minutes, let's just smile. Because maybe she didn't do it on purpose, but she made both our lives miserable for a while."

Dee relaxed. "You're right," she agreed, and leaned back on her hands, putting her feet up on Kelly's bed. The alcohol was hitting her already, making her lightheaded and dizzy. She closed her eyes, floating on it. "I won't miss her at all."

***

Dee was careful not to drink too much with Felix; she had no idea what state Lee would be in when he came home. And she wasn't sure what to say. _I'm sorry_ seemed a little dismissive; after all, Lee had lost a very good friend. And yet, pouring on the sympathy just seemed _wrong._

She didn't have to worry. Lee was home when she came in, but Helo, Hot Dog, and Sharon were sitting with him. She'd never been so glad to see any of them in her life.

"Dee," Lee looked up, his eyes red and his hair still tousled from his flight helmet. "You heard, right?"

"I was in the CIC," Dee confirmed. She came over and gently kissed Lee's forehead. "I'm sorry." With the others here, it was easy to say it sincerely, if she just thought of Kara as Lee's friend. Lee squeezed her hand.

"So anyway," Helo continued, scooting his chair over so Dee could join them at the table, "we were supposed to be chasing this Librean gang of what basically amounted to pirates, right? And they were leading us on this chase, and they decided to go into an asteroid field. Right out of a bad movie. And Kara goes after them, and she…" Helo's voice broke even as he laughed. "Well, she lost them in there, because they only dipped in, realized this was _insane_, and got out, ready to give themselves up. And Kara's flying through the asteroid field, shouting about the frakkers and that she had no idea that they were this good. We're sitting there in the Raptor, guns on the guys, just _waiting_, and she's flying through an asteroid field."

They all laughed, and Dee faked it, too. But with the others there she could fade into the background, be the supportive wife without having to do more than bite her tongue and change her expression.

She didn't reach for Lee's hand, and he didn't reach for hers.

***

It was late when Helo, Athena and Hot Dog left. Dee was ready to slip into bed already.

"Will there be a funeral?" she asked Lee.

"Tomorrow," Lee said. He scrubbed at his face with his hands.

"Are you…" Dee began, but couldn't finish because _of course_ he wasn't okay. She swallowed hard. "I know she was a good friend to you, Lee. I'm sorry."

Lee nodded. "Let's just go to sleep," he suggested.

"All right."

They climbed into bed together, and for the first time since the whole mess with Kara had ended, Dee felt like there was a distance between them. She laid on her side and pretended to sleep.

Next to her, Lee did the same.

***

"You okay, Dee?" Felix asked her two days later.

"Huh? Sure, I'm fine." Dee flashed a smile at him. She folded the paper that someone had left on the table in the rec room. "Did you see this?"

Felix glanced at the paper and looked away quickly. "Yes." Baltar's face was blazoned on the front page. Starbuck's was on page three. "I considered burning a copy. Something like an effigy."

"You're vicious today."

Felix shrugged.

"I'm just ready for life to go on, you know?" Dee said. "Like it does when any other pilot dies."

"How's Lee?"

"Coping. We don't talk about it."

Felix cocked his head to the side. "And that's a bad thing?"

"A little," Dee admitted. "I mean… Lee's gone through this huge loss, and I want to comfort _him_, but I am most definitely the wrong person to be doing it."

Felix shook his head. "Noel would point out there's some great irony at work here."

"Is that what you're doing?" Dee asked sharply.

"No. I'm just saying that's what Noel would do. I dream about burning newspapers, but refrain because it breaks the fire code and the last thing this ship needs is an fire." Felix snorted bitterly. "I'm not nearly as direct as Noel."

"Unless you have a pen," Dee heard herself blurt.

Felix stared at her in shock. Neither of them had mentioned the incident to the other since it had happened, and Dee did her best to forget it completely. But Felix just smiled, like it was some sort of sick private joke. "Yeah," he agreed. "Unless I have a pen."

Dee never would have thought Kara and Baltar would fit so neatly into the same conversation, but they really did.

***

"We're celebrating?" Louis asked, as the four of them sat crammed at a table in Joe's. "What are we celebrating?"

Noel glanced around, then grinned and pointed to a new patch on his uniform. "Squadron leader," he said, his smile widening even further. "Finally."

"About frakking time," Felix agreed, raising his glass to clink with Noel's.

Dee lifted her glass as well. "Congratulations."

"Thanks." Noel glanced around again. "I've kind of been keeping it on the down low, just because of the circumstance, but yeah."

Louis was studying the collar of Noel's uniform. "You weren't promoted to captain."

"What? Oh, yeah." Noel's face darkened a little. "Adama said I'm not quite ready for it," he said, rolling his eyes. "Frankly, I don't get it, because that's never really stopped anyone else on this ship from getting promoted."

"When did you make full lieutenant?" Felix asked.

"About six months before the attacks," Noel said. Louis looked down at his drink, and it occurred to Dee that Noel was the only full lieutenant sitting at the table. Her own rank didn't bother her, given that she'd been the lucky recipient of a big fat promotion a little over a year ago, but the fact that both Louis and Felix were still junior lieutenants was surprising, to say the least. "Cain promoted me herself." There was no small amount of pride in Noel's voice, and Louis smiled and shook his head. "You can laugh all you want, but after months of sewage duty and kitchen stints after we ended, it's a badge of honor," Noel told him.

"It is," Louis agreed, but he was still laughing.

Felix was watching the other patrons at the bar. The music was soft tonight, just a wireless that was tuned to a station playing songs with a more lilting melody. The conversation wasn't muted, but it lacked the raucous atmosphere that the bar sometimes had. But people were still playing the pyramid game and there were lines for the pool tables, and two tables away, the off-duty marines that were playing cards burst into the kind of laughter reserved for especially dirty jokes.

Louis noticed Felix's distraction. "You okay, ba-" he bit off the last syllable, glaring at Dee and Noel, who both grinned evilly. "You okay, Felix?"

Felix shot a disparaging look at Dee and Noel as well. "Fine, _darling_," he said, biting off the last word as he dared Dee and Noel with his eyes. Gleefully ignoring his look of murder, Noel looked at Dee and sighed dramatically.

"What about you, pookie-bea- OW! Frak, Gaeta, you don't kick your superior officer so hard near the nuts!"

"He didn't," Louis said smoothly. "I did."

Felix smirked at Louis in a thoroughly satisfied, you're-getting-laid-tonight sort of way, and Louis returned the expression. Even though the two men looked nothing alike, for a moment Dee was amused by their similarities. Felix turned back to face them, his face falling back into his normal, more serious expression. "I was just thinking about how this place is going to be after Baltar's trial."

Noel turned and looked at the crowd. "A few nights of drunken orgies and partying, and then back to this," he theorized. "It won't change the Fleet much at all when it happens."

"Unless Baltar's acquitted," Louis said.

"Don't say that!" Dee snapped.

"Why not?" Louis asked. "Robert was."

"Enough," Noel said. "Can we just make it through one evening without having to mention Baltar? I don't mean to sound like a whining little kid, but come _on_, guys. The trial's weeks away, and we've been over this."

"And your promotion was today," Dee agreed. She shot a final glare at Louis and then tossed her hair over her shoulder. "You're right," she said. Someone turned up the wireless, and the music was actually tolerable. Dee stood up and held out a hand to Noel. "Come on, Muffincakes. Let's go dance."

She narrowly avoided the playful kick that Felix sent her way.

***

"I can't frakking believe it."

Dee looked up as Lee entered their quarters. "What's wrong?"

"Guess what brilliant idea he's got now?"

Dee fought down the reminder of how Lee used to be in orbit around New Caprica and smiled. "Sewage? Laundry? Tigh's booze supplier?"

Lee didn't smile. "No. Did you hear about the explosion on the hangar deck?"

"No," Dee said, her eyes widening. "What happened?"

"Terrorist attack on Baltar's Raptor. Some frakker decided that Baltar doesn't need a trial."

"Well, it's not like it wastes taxpayer cubits or anything," Dee agreed wryly with Lee's implication.

"Anyway, I'm grounded. Off CAG, off flying… the whole nine yards. And I'm in charge of Gaius frakking Baltar's security detail."

"You're kidding," Dee said. Any reservations she had about Lee's attitude vanished immediately; this was _nothing_ like those days above New Caprica. "Your father is investing _that much_ in _Baltar's_ safety?"

Lee sighed. "Actually, it's not Baltar's. It's his new lawyer."

"Wait, _new_ lawyer?"

"Yeah." Lee sat down, combing a hand through his hair. "Hughes was killed in the explosion."

"Oh my Gods."

"I can't condemn a man just for taking Baltar's case," Lee sighed. "Gods know I want to see Baltar face justice as much as anyone, but to attack someone who's part of the democratic process… it's the only reason I agreed to it."

Dee cocked her head. "That, and the fact you're grounded." She didn't even ask why he was grounded. She didn't need to. Lee sat down heavily in chair and flipped a hand in acknowledgement and confirmation.

She was thinking about how to address that when Lee gave a half-chuckle. "It's funny," he said.

"What is?" Dee asked, not seeing anything amusing about the situation.

"The lawyer- Lampkin's his name. He knew my grandfather."

"Which one?"

"Adama. He said he was a student of his." Lee sat up and struggled out of his jacket. "I don't know whether I believe him or not. He seems a little young… but I'm too tired to do the math."

"What are the odds?" Dee marveled. "Less than fifty thousand left alive after the attack on the Colonies, and one of them knew your grandfather personally."

"Or so he says. My grandfather had quite a name," Lee said. He closed his eyes. "And quite a reputation."

"You look tired."

"A bit. I'm just going to sit here for a minute…" Lee trailed off.

Dee smiled affectionately as Lee drifted off to sleep. She stood up, gently taking Lee's jacket from under his arm. If she took it down to the laundry tonight, he'd have it by duty tomorrow. She quickly did a routine check of the pockets, and her fingers closed around a glossy piece of paper.

_Of course_ Lee still had a picture of Kara Thrace in his jacket. Of course.

Dee closed her eyes for a long moment. It wasn't that he had the picture or that there wasn't one of her; she knew what the picture was intended for. It was the question that stood out in neon letters at the forefront of her mind: if _she_ had been the one that died, would Lee still have her picture in his jacket? Or would she be pinned to the wall by now, safely ensconced in comfortable memory, the grieving process already progressing?

Dee shoved the picture back into Lee's jacket and dropped the jacket back on his chair. She was pretty sure she already knew the answer.

***

She didn't even think to ask until she saw the duty roster the next day. "Who's CAG now?" she asked Felix.

"Helo," he said shortly. A Raptor ECO was CAG? But then, that same Raptor ECO had served as _Galactica_'s XO for over a year. Dee sighed. Felix looked up. "I hear Lee's tailing Lampkin."

"You heard that?"

"Given that I was questioned, yes." Dee blinked, and Felix sighed. "Come on, Dee. I already tried to kill Baltar. If Lee hadn't questioned me, I would consider him seriously incompetent."

A dark thought occurred to her. "Did you do it?"

"No," Felix scowled.

"But you wish you had."

Felix shook his head. "No. Look, I have no problem with someone doing their job. It's not the lawyer I want dead. It's Baltar."

He said it so simply that it sent chills down her spine.

***

"So, I hear your husband has been giving Felix a bit of a hard time," Louis said, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms as Dee poured herself a cup of coffee.

"He hasn't said a word about it to me," Dee said.

"Yeah, well." Louis made a face. "He does know that Felix worked the CIC the day it happened, right? And the Raptor had a shuttle run earlier on his shift? As far as Chief could tell, the bomb wasn't radio triggered. It had to be placed after the Raptor landed from its run, but before the lawyer got aboard."

"I assume he knows this," Dee said tiredly. "But I'll make sure. Back off, Louis. I need coffee."

Louis didn't obey. Instead, he followed her to her table. "I've got a theory," he told her.

Dee raised her eyebrows in acknowledgement. "Who?" she asked.

"Zarek."

"As appealing as blaming it on Zarek is, he hasn't been on the _Galactica_ in the past ten days."

"Since when does Zarek like to do his own dirty work?" Louis asked. "And come on. He loves blowing things up."

Dee shook her head. "Have you mentioned this to Felix?" she asked.

"We're still together. So you can take that as a no. But Dee, the pieces fit. All joking aside, it's _exactly_ the sort of thing Zarek would do- or pay someone to do. And he must hate Baltar. I don't like the man, but every report I've read from people that were in Baltar's administration admits that Zarek refused to collaborate and was imprisoned for the entirety of the occupation, before he was almost executed."

Dee nodded. "I'm sure he's thought of it, but I'll mention it to Lee."

***

When she returned to her quarters, the lawyer was there. He was a thin, wiry man with sunglasses, and for a moment Dee wondered if he was blind. But he stood when Dee walked in.

"This is my wife, Lieutenant Anastasia Dualla," Lee introduced her. "Although most people call her Dee. Romo Lampkin."

"Charmed, I'm sure," Lampkin said, in a voice that sounded far more amused than respectful. Dee nodded, and then retreated to the back of cabin. The two men went back to their conversation.

"I know you don't particularly care about the identity of the perpetrator, Mr. Lampkin," Lee said formally, "but I assure you he will be caught."

"It's a small matter," Lampkin said. He was leafing through one of the law books written by Joseph Adama.

"I've been questioning crew members, and-"

"It could be someone off ship," Dee suddenly suggested. Lee looked up, raising his eyebrows for her to continue. "Hoshi suggested Tom Zarek."

Lampkin laughed. "Wouldn't that be an easy, neat way for the Admiral and the President to solve all their problems?" he said. "Which is precisely why the Vice President didn't do it."

"You don't think he's behind it?" Dee asked Lee, ignoring Lampkin.

Lee shook his head. "I think Mr. Lampkin's right. Zarek's been staying away from any proceedings, as far as I can tell, and on the occasions he has been approached he's been extremely cooperative."

"The phrase _keeping his nose clean_ springs to mind," Lampkin offered.

Dee noticed the files spread out on the desk, and notes taken in Lee's handwriting. She noticed that Lee had a book in front of him as well. And she noticed that he had the same look he'd had when they returned to New Caprica, resolute and alive. She turned away.

"Well, it was only a theory," she said lightly.

"Not surprising that Hoshi came up with it, though," Lee said.

"He pointed out that Zarek is rather fond of explosions," Dee said. She shrugged off her jacket and crossed the room to hang it up neatly. As she did, she glanced at the table again. They'd been working for a while. "It's not a bad thought."

"It also neatly shifts the suspicion off of Gaeta," Lee pointed out. "Not really the best idea, and rather alarming it's coming from a tactical officer."

Dee rolled her eyes. "You know Felix didn't do it."

Lee shrugged.

Dee sighed and kicked off her boots and then lay down with some paperwork. "I'll leave you two alone," she muttered sullenly. Lee turned back to the table, but Lampkin watched her for a long moment before he went back to his work.

Dee ignored them both.

***

When Lampkin's keypad exploded, Dee heard the news much quicker than she'd heard about the Raptor. But no one came to give her any news. She waited impatiently through the last hour of her shift, and then went home.

"Lee!" He was in their quarters, sitting at a table. Dee ran over to him, hugging him gratefully. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. I wasn't there," Lee said flatly. He reached up automatically and touched Dee's arm.

"Is Lampkin alive?" Dee asked, backing away.

"Yes. Cheadle isn't."

It wasn't a name she recognized, but Dee gave the pronouncement the respect it deserved. Then, "What happens now?"

"A lot, as it happens. We caught the perpetrator."

"Who was it?"

"Aaron Kelly."

That one stunned Dee. "Captain Kelly?" she said. Kelly hadn't been on New Caprica, and Dee had never realized he'd harbored such hate for Baltar. Of course, Kelly was only someone she worked with, someone who moved in completely different social circles. Dee tried to recall seeing him out of the CIC.

"Yeah," Lee said. "Captain Kelly. Said he couldn't handle sending pilots to their deaths anymore."

"So he plants bombs in Raptors?" Dee asked sourly.

Lee shook his head helplessly.

"Well," Dee said, sitting down on the bed, "is he the only one?"

"He claimed responsibility for all of the explosions," Lee said. He flicked his gaze to Dee, and his eyebrows dipped down for a second. "And he acted under his own authority." Dee ignored that. "So, yeah. All's well that ends well. In theory."

"In theory?"

"Dad wanted me to go back to CAG. He said now that the major threat had been neutralized, they could assign someone else to security."

Dee's stomach turned over at the phrasing. "Wanted you to go back," she said.

Lee nodded. "I told him no," he said. "I'm staying on the case."

Dee blinked. "Lee," she said, when she couldn't resist it any more. "You're not a lawyer!"

"I can learn to be a lawyer," Lee said, lifting his chin. "But what Romo needs is a fighter. And that… that I've been born to."

Dee thought of how Lee stood when he addressed the pilots, how he looked in the war room. She remembered days on the _Pegasus_ and the night before the Second Exodus, and the grim determination etched on Lee's face. She thought of him warring with the Cylons, warring with his father, and warring with himself, each and every time triumphing, even if it was only by a little.

"Yeah," she agreed. "And that's why I love you."

She never thought that she'd hate the very thing she loved most about him, but tonight she thought she did.  



	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trial of Gaius Baltar.

Dee took a deep breath and opened the hatch to her quarters. As she expected, Lee was sitting at the desk, wearing a stretched-out sweater and a pair of jeans, leaning over his notes. At least Lampkin wasn't there. Lee looked up, flashing her a brief smile. "Hey. Good shift?"

"Nothing too exciting, so yes," Dee said, keeping her voice was light. "Having a good day?"

"I am." Lee sat up and pushed the papers back, and then ran a hand through his hair. "I think I've found something that's going to help us. There's a sort of precedent back on Leonis, in terms of…" he launched off into some legal jargon, but Dee mostly tuned it out, nodding at appropriate times. She felt guilty, but she was tired and the last thing she wanted to hear about was the legal defense of Gaius Baltar.

But Lee… Lee looked alive. Not so much happy, but like he had a purpose. _You were CAG_, Dee wanted to say. _You_ had a purpose. They were depending on you. Not just the pilots, but all of us, because what happens to the Fleet if the pilots aren't ready?&lt;/i&gt;

But that wasn't something you could say.

"Are you all right?" Lee asked.

"Lee? Do you really think Baltar's innocent?" Dee asked.

Lee sat back. "Not innocent," he corrected her. "The term is 'not guilty.'"

Dee wasn't interested in semantics. "Do you really think he's not guilty, then?"

Lee sighed. "I don't know," he said. "I really don't. But I _do_ believe that he's entitled to a fair trial, and for the trial to be fair, he needs representation that actually does its job, not just people going through the motions."

"Is that what Lampkin's doing?"

"No, he's actually taking it seriously." Lee frowned. "I think. Truthfully, he's a bit of a nutcase."

Dee could hear Felix saying, _No, really?_ as clearly as if he'd been there. She smirked. "But why? Why all this for Gaius Baltar?"

Lee sighed. "You know," he said, sitting back and not quite looking at her, "back around Colonial Day, Tom Zarek said something."

"Not Zarek!"

"Dee, I know you don't like him, but every now and then the man has a good point. Our old way of life… the Colonies, everything we knew, it's all in ruins. We have to redefine everything that we once had, judge what works for us now and discard what doesn't. One of those things I don't want to see discarded is every human's right to a fair trial. If we make an exception for Gaius Baltar, then what happens next? Do we make an exception for a rapist or a murderer and say, 'no, what you've done is too horrible, you don't get a trial'? And then once we've accepted that, do we make exceptions for thieves or attempted murders or embezzlers? We don't, because you know what happens? If we start allowing people- _any people_, no matter how despicable we think they are- to be denied trials, they lose their chance at defense. And then what happens is we kill innocent people. If we allow our civilization to lose this, then people like Felix Gaeta go flying out the airlock and into space."

"Right," Dee conceded, and in principle, she couldn't disagree with him.

But she still didn't like Lee defending Baltar.

***

"Come in."

Dee took a deep breath and entered. The Admiral was sitting on his couch, reading a book. Oddly, that made Dee feel guiltier than if he'd been working, knowing that she was interrupting a rare bit of free time. But he put the book aside and smiled at her.

"Dee. What can I do for you?"

Dee sat down in "her" chair, tacitly letting him know this was his daughter-in-law visiting, not his Communications Officer. She saw Adama get the message- his smile warmed and he stayed where he was, relaxed and easy. "I'm sorry to bother you," she said.

"It's not bother at all."

Dee sighed. "Sir, I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit more about your father."

Adama's eyebrows raised. "My father?"

"Yes, sir. Your father."

Adama sighed. "This doesn't have anything to do with my son's recent foray into the legal practice, does it?" he said, knowing the answer perfectly well. Dee had to admit she was pleased to see her own reservations written all over Adama's face.

"I asked him why he was so invested in defending Baltar," she said. "And I understand his reasoning. But it's still _Baltar._ I look at what he's done, not only to the entire Fleet but to my closest friends, and I can't help but…" she shook her head.

"Start establishing precedent with the guy who didn't sell out the entire human race," Adama agreed. "Trouble is, the scum who _did_ sell out the human race is the one who sets the best precedent. I'm like you. I understand why we need to give him a trial, but that doesn't mean I like it."

"I thought if I could just understand how Lee got here, I might accept it better."

Adama took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. "You're not asking anything I haven't asked myself," he admitted. "But I do know that my father would have taken Baltar's case."

"Would you, sir?"

Adama smiled. "I'm not a lawyer."

"Neither is Lee," Dee pointed out, and Adama snorted at that. "But you know that's not what I mean."

He heaved a sigh. "The military and the law are connected," he admitted, "but their very imperative is different. The military doesn't protect the laws, it protects the Colonies, no matter which laws the Colonies choose to uphold." He made a face. "You know, Sharon told me something at one point. That humanity has to ask itself if it's worthy of surviving. And that's something that we," he gestured between himself and Dee, "don't often have the luxury of asking. In a way, we give up certain freedoms to protect those of others. It's our imperative."

"Imperative," Dee said wryly. Adama cocked his eyebrows at her, and Dee smiled apologetically. "It's just something that Hoshi said after the Cylons occupied New Caprica that's stuck with me for a long time. He said that war is our imperative. He was quoting Admiral Cain, but it just really… it was very much how I felt at the time." She bit her lip. "And it's very much how I feel now."

"You gave up a lot to be in the military," Adama observed. "I'm not surprised you feel that way."

"Lee doesn't, does he?" Dee asked. As she said it her stomach twisted, because it was something she'd been suspecting for a while- a long while- and she hadn't wanted to admit.

"No," Adama agreed, looking very much like Dee felt. "He doesn't."

Dee had loved Lee from when he first set foot on _Galactica_, a shining name and a stellar soldier. She'd loved him for his strength, for his courage, for his desperate belief in humanity and what was right, for his determination to fight. And intellectually, she could see that all those same traits that she loved were still there, just channeled into a new direction.

But still, she had the disconcerting feeling that the man she'd love never existed at all, except for in her mind.

***

"You're being ridiculous about this! Roslin is-"

"She's not the goddess that everyone- including you, I might add- makes her out to be!"

"I'm not saying she's a goddess! I'm saying she's the President of the godsdamned frakking Colonies, and it wouldn't kill you to show a little respect!" Louis snapped.

"She's not even in the room!" Felix retorted. "How is criticizing a President's policies not showing respect?"

Dee looked from Felix to Louis, both of whom had half-turned when she opened the door to the officers' racks but were still obviously deep in their argument. Louis was sitting at the table, Felix was poised as if for flight.

"I'll come back later," Dee said.

"No," Felix huffed. "Don't bother." He glared at Louis one more time. "You two can sit around and talk about Roslin and her religious crap and divine right. I'm leaving." He stormed out the door, slamming the hatch as best he could. Louis winced.

"Should I-" Dee began.

Louis shook his head. "Leave him alone," he said sourly. "He's been in a mood all day."

Dee glanced back over her shoulder at the closed hatch. "So I see. Are you? Because I've seen your moods, and frankly, if you're in one, I'm leaving, too."

Louis rubbed his temples. "Please stay," he said simply. Dee nodded and sat down cautiously. Louis looked at her and then snorted. "It's not that bad," he said, and Dee had the feeling he was mocking her. "It's not like we fight like this all the time."

"I assumed," Dee said.

"He has to meet with Cassidy tonight, to discuss his testimony for Baltar's trial."

"Which explains why you were fighting about President Roslin, of all things."

Louis shrugged.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Dee asked.

He sighed and sat back. "The trial, as it happens. I wanted to ask you a favor."

"What?"

"One of us should go with Felix, don't you agree?" he asked, leaning in and raising his eyebrows.

"You want me to cover for you?" Dee said.

"No. I want to be in CIC that day."

Dee stared at him. "You're kidding," she said.

"No. I'm not. Look, Dee, I _know_ what went on between Felix and Baltar. And I know that's part of what's killing him over this. He won't admit it, but there's a part of him that still loves Baltar, and always will." Louis looked down at his hands as he said it, but Dee caught a glimpse of his face. His eyes were hard and angry as he said that. "This whole trial is going to be rough enough on Felix. The last thing he needs to be thinking about is me."

Dee considered that. "Do you really think he'd be that worried about it?"

Louis shrugged. "Yes," he said dubiously, and Dee wondered if Felix and Louis had fought about this before.

"You're worried how you'll take it," she realized. Louis looked away. "Louis, that is the most pathetic, most selfish-"

"It is not!" Louis flared. "It's not that simple, Dee!"

"It seems pretty simple to me," Dee insisted. "He needs you there, and you're not going."

Louis's eyes narrowed. "You're assuming a lot there, Dee. Don't."

Dee took a deep breath, reining in her anger and reminding herself that she'd regret slapping Louis later if she did it. "What am I assuming?" she asked icily.

"That he wants me there," Louis said.

"Did he say he didn't?" Dee demanded. Louis nodded, and the anger ebbed from her. "Oh. I mean… he actually asked you not to come?"

"No," Louis said, "his exact words were, 'I really wish you didn't have to see it.' I told him I don't, if he doesn't want me there. He did that thing where he doesn't say anything, but you know what he's really thinking… that he wants to ask you something and doesn't." Louis shrugged. "He doesn't want me there, and I understand. Sometimes you need a friend more than a lover."

"All right," Dee said. "We'll make sure it happens. I'll be there." She sighed heavily. "I was going to go anyway."

***

The alarm went off only a few hours after Dee had managed to fall asleep. Lee groaned, reached over Dee and turned it off. He rubbed at his face, grabbed his towel, and then headed for the shower. Dee lay in bed with her eyes open, staring at the wall.

Lee came back in and began to pull on his suit, and Dee propped herself up on her elbow, watching him. "Good morning," he said, flashing her a smile.

"Good morning." Dee stretched. "Today's the big day, huh?"

"Yeah." Lee gave her another harried smile, and she could see that he was already going over the case again in his mind. He was separating his duty blues from Dee's, where they lay entangled on the floor.

"Are you nervous?" Dee asked lightly.

Lee chuckled. "I don't know," he answered honestly.

"Just picture them all naked."

He gave her a mock glare and then shuddered. "I can do without picturing Gaius Baltar naked." They both laughed, and Lee leaned down to kiss her. "Are you going to be there?"

"Hoshi's covering the CIC," she confirmed.

"Good." Lee hesitated. "Dee," he said, "you know that I'm okay if we lose this trial, right? That I'm not so much fighting to protect Gaius Baltar's life, but fighting to protect the system?"

Dee nodded.

"Good." He kissed her again. "I'll see you later." He gave her one last smile, and then walked out the hatch.

Dee sighed and sat up. She'd be glad when this was all over.

***

The trial was held on the _Galactica_ for security reasons. And they were good reasons, Dee thought, as she looked around the room. So many faces were stamped with bitterness and hate, with anger and the thirst for revenge. She shivered, grateful she had never mustered out and settled on New Caprica, and guilty for the feeling.

She arrived early and found Felix sitting in a chair halfway up the section, talking in a low voice to Helo. Helo spotted her first and waved at her, and she smiled back in gratitude. She casually took the seat on the other side of Felix. He nodded to her, but he kept his conversation with Helo deliberately light and on course, discussing the dire need for equipment repair. But when she sat down, the two of them flanking him like defiant guards, Felix squeezed her hand.

Lee was part of his own guard, sitting to the one side of Baltar while Romo Lampkin sat on the other. In his uniform, he should have looked straight and tall, the image of a soldier bent on defending the world. But for some reason, he didn't. Although he hadn't put on any extra weight, the way he sat at the table reminded Dee forcibly of how he'd been in orbit around New Caprica. She bit her lip in worry.

She saw the Admiral sitting at the bench, his face set in an expression that Dee knew meant he was not happy about being here. She'd known he was going to be on the tribunal, of course- it had been in the papers. But although no one ordered it explicitly, it was something that wasn't discussed on _Galactica_, and most certainly not in his earshot. She felt a rush of affection for her father-in-law, especially as he glared in Baltar's general direction.

The judge also serving as moderator was Doyle Franks, captain of the _Prometheus._ She banged a gavel on the desk top for silence. "This court is now in session," she said, as the murmuring began to quiet. "The trial of Gaius Baltar will begin."

***

When the trial let out for the day, Louis was waiting for them. Dee glanced at Felix's face and saw him light up, like a burden had been stripped away as he left the courtroom. He reached out and touched Louis's shoulder, and Louis smiled back at him.

"Well?" he asked. "How did it go?"

Helo sighed. "It's going to be a long, brutal one," he predicted. "Were you listening?"

"I heard parts of it, when I could tune in. I heard Zarek's testimony, not that there was much to it, and I heard Playa Palacios's. They mentioned Tigh was testifying today?"

"They tore the Colonel apart," Dee sighed.

"They went for the drinking?" Louis asked.

"And Ellen." There was a surprising bit of sympathy in Felix's voice. "Apparently he…" Felix shook his head. "Get someone else to tell you the story later," he said. Louis glanced at Dee, and she nodded acknowledgement that she would.

Louis changed the subject. "How's Lee doing?"

"Good. I guess." Dee didn't feel like talking about it. "I don't know- they're really just getting started."

"Only a few more days," Felix said, in the tone of someone reminding himself. "Then this can all go back to normal."

"When is anything ever normal in this Fleet?" Helo asked. "Come on," he said to Felix, "I have a half hour before I said I'd be home. Let's go get a drink."

"All right. Louis?"

"I'll be there in a minute. I just want to update Dee on some CIC stuff."

"Right." Felix gave Louis another smile, and then headed down the corridor with Helo.

"You're just dying to know what happened with Tigh, aren't you?" Dee asked as they began walking the opposite way.

"Well, yes, but I also wanted to tell you that they figured out how the Cylons are tailing us- the tylium ship's radiation signature is giving us away."

"Are they fixing it?"

"We're starting to schedule the repairs. Sian's holding them off until you get back into the CIC, and then I believe you're coordinating it."

"All right, then. Anything else?"

"Just tell me what the frak happened with Tigh already. Ellen?"

Dee shivered. "Yeah. I guess Ellen collaborated on New Caprica."

Louis stopped in his tracks. "Ellen collaborated, and he found it fit to try to throw Felix out of an airlock?"

"He killed Ellen for it."

The color drained from Louis's face. "My Gods."

"I know." Dee shivered again. "He said that it she would have been killed anyway, and it was better he did it. I knew… I mean, I _knew_ that something awful had happened to Colonel Tigh on New Caprica, but I thought it was just the torture." She laughed hollowly. "_Just_ the torture. Right. But then to have it dragged out in public like this…."

"What was the point of it?" Louis wondered. "Why did the court have to know that?"

"Discrediting the witness, I guess? Tigh brought her up, said she'd done more to help fight against the Cylons than Baltar ever had. And Lampkin just ran with it."

They were far, far away now from Joe's, but Louis turned around like he could see where Felix had gone. "That's what Lee and Lampkin going to do to Felix, isn't it? Drag him through the dirt, pull out all his secrets?"

Dee nodded, and Louis closed his eyes. He swallowed hard, and then turned and continued their walk towards the CIC.

"When you schedule with the tylium ship, make sure you get the best crew over there," he said, his voice bland and professional. "We're only a few jumps away from the nebula, and the sooner we get there, the sooner we find Earth."

"Yes, sir."

***

Dee flipped off the comm unit and stretched. It had taken two hours, but everything was coordinated, from the maintenance crews to the Raptors to fly them over to the temporary housing of some of the tylium ship's residents. And Gods, she had a headache. She closed her eyes and massaged her temples.

"Lieutenant Dualla."

Dee looked up to see the Admiral standing in front of her, and snapped back into attention. "Sir. We've got the crews headed out for the tylium ship in two hours, sir."

"Belay that."

"Yes, sir."

"And get Lieutenant Gaeta in here as soon as possible."

"Yes, sir." His face was thunderous. "Sir, are you all right?" It wasn't a question she would have dared ask her Admiral, but was a question she wanted to ask her father-in-law.

Adama managed a small smile for her. "Not particularly, Dee. But you and I, we'll hold this boat together no matter what comes our way, right?"

Dee nodded and smiled, but it made her blood run cold. Adama was warning her about something, but she really wasn't sure what.

***

When she arrived back in her quarters, there was a canvas bag by the hatch. Dee peered into it, and with a start recognized Lee's duty blues. His duty blues, his BDUs, his dress grays… even his tanks. Her stomach twisted over, and she realized she'd known this was coming for a lot longer than she'd let on.

She opened the hatch and saw Lee sitting at the table, dressed in a ratty t-shirt and jeans and going over a case file. He didn't look up when she walked in.

"What's all this?" Dee asked. "Why are your uniforms outside?

"I've got to say, I've probably got the nicest quarters any civilian on _Galactica_ has ever had since Ellen Tigh tied. Since she was _killed._" Lee's mouth twisted in an expression that Dee recognized as pain. "Perks of being married to an officer."

"Lee…"

"I'm not an officer anymore, did you know that?" Lee looked up at her. His eyes were bright with anger. "I don't have… don't have enough _integrity_ to be an officer."

"Have you been drinking?"

"Doesn't matter. I don't have to answer to him now. I don't have to answer to anyone now- well, not like that. I can frakking drink if I want to."

"What happened? Talk to me, Lee."

"My father. He was upset about Tigh."

"Understandably so," Dee said.

Lee shrugged. "It's not like I knew what would happen," he said. "I thought… look, I figured that we'd find out Ellen was killed by the Cylons, and maybe Tigh had to watch it. It sounds like the sick sort of thing the Ones would do, doesn't it? I honestly thought that's what happened to her. But if you ask my father, I knew it all and fed it straight to Romo. Thinks I stabbed Tigh in the back." He looked at Dee. "Did _you_ know?"

"About Ellen? No." Dee had wanted to throw up when Tigh had confessed to killing her, not only because of the horror of it, but because the last thing she wanted to do was _understand_ how he could have done what he did to Felix. "I don't think anyone did."

"Exactly," Lee said as if it proved a point.

"But it wasn't relevant," Dee said. "As horrible as it was- and as much as I hate Gaius Baltar- the fact that Colonel Tigh killed his wife for collaborating wasn't relevant to Baltar's crimes."

Lee wagged a finger at her. "But we didn't know that's what he was going to say," he said. "It's the risk that we take."

"Tigh didn't ask to take that risk. He was ordered up there."

"Do you really think he would have blurted it out of he wasn't drunk?"

Dee pressed her lips together for a long moment. "So this is how the trial is going to go?" she asked. "Discrediting witnesses by showing that they're too frakked up to say anything credible against Baltar? What are you going to do to the others, Lee? What are you planning on calling them out on?"

"Hopefully nothing," Lee snapped. "Look, what happened with Tigh was a fluke, okay? How was I supposed to have any idea that he killed Ellen? Tigh might be a drunk and Ellen slept with any man that had a pulse, but everyone on this boat knows he adored her. Worshipped the ground she walked on and all that. If you can tell me how I was supposed to be inspired that this was there… Look at the other witnesses called today. Zarek came out smelling like roses, and despite the fact that she admitted to having an affair with Baltar, Palacios did, too. Tigh blundered. It's the cost of justice, Dee."

"The cost of justice," she repeated sourly. "Tell me something, Lee. What else is justice going to cost? Are you going to drag Laura Roslin through the mud? How about Galen Tyrol? What's justice going to cost Felix?"

He looked at her, eyes suddenly sober and serious, scrambling for focus. "You know I can't tell you that, Dee."

"I know you know that Felix slept with Baltar. Are you going to use that in court?"

"I can't tell you that."

Dee sighed. "Lee," she said finally, "don't bring it up. Please."

"Dee, I have to-"

"No. You don't. Felix was Baltar's chief of staff, but more than that, he's worshipped Baltar since the moment- no, since before the attacks. He was literally Felix's hero. They were friends. There is enough reason there to understand just how much Felix Gaeta hates Gaius Baltar without doing to him what you did to Tigh. I'm not asking you to go easy on him; grill him, if you really must. But don't make him get up there on that witness stand and confess to everyone how badly Baltar broke him."

"I can't promise anything, Dee," Lee said, but he looked sympathetic and Dee clung to that. "But I'll try."

"Thank you." Dee began slipping out of her uniform. "I'm going to bed."

"I'll be there in a minute," Lee said.

It was hard to sleep, even lying still and with her eyes closed. So Dee was still awake two hours later, when she heard Lee snoring from the chair.

***

"Madam President, aren't you alive today because of Gaius Baltar?" Lee asked.

"I'm alive today because the insurgents managed to stop the execution," President Roslin answered.

"Well, they saved you from a Cylon firing squad, but... wasn't it Baltar who saved your life when you were dying from cancer?"

Dee's heart stopped. She and Felix exchanged glances, both of them immediately seeing where this was going, where Lee was headed. Dee knew Roslin wasn't Louis, and she knew that the situations were completely different, but she couldn't imagine there was any way in which Laura Roslin appreciated her health issues being displayed publicly.

"Relevance?" the prosecutor asked.

Lee floundered, and Lampkin half stood. "Hostile witness, your honors, if the court would grant us just a little latitude."

"We'll allow it."

Lee was shaken, his stride broken. Dee knew him well enough to see that. "Um... did Gaius Baltar save your life when you were dying from cancer?"

President Roslin wasn't giving an inch. "Dr. Baltar's scientific knowledge did save my life indeed."

"Can you be more specific? How did he save your life on that occasion?"

"He injected me with the blood of a half-Cylon, half-human baby." Dee and Felix both glanced at Helo, who was facing forward with a stony expression on his face.

"And your cancer vanished."

"Completely."

"Where is he going with this?" Felix whispered. "He's not trying to convince us she should be grateful to the Cylons for her cancer disappearing, is he?"

"During your illness, what sort of medication were you on?"

"You know, I was taking a lot of medications at the time, and I don't remember all their names."

"Did you take something called chamalla extract?"

"Oh." Felix whispered. "Oh, frak."

"Yes," President Roslin admitted.

"Isn't it true that one of the side effects of taking chamalla is a propensity to experience hallucinations?"

Although Roslin still looked calm and composed, the tells were there if you were looking for them. She was nervous, and Dee had a feeling that whatever Lee was building up to, it was worse than yesterday. Worse than Tigh. "Yes," Roslin admitted, "that is one of the possible side effects of chamalla."

"And isn't it also true that the visions that you once described as messages from the Gods were actually the result of a pharmacological reaction from taking chamalla?"

"The chamalla did enable me to see certain things that were foretold by the scriptures. Things that will help this fleet find its way to Earth. You of all people should know that, Major."

Felix leaned in, and Dee expected a rant about Roslin's religious beliefs. What she got was, "Tell me he's not going there."

"Going where?" Dee asked, her eyes still on Lee.

Before Felix could answer, Lee asked, "Madam President, are you taking chamalla at this time?"

"'Captain Apollo'," Roslin mused. "You remember that? I always thought it had such a nice ring to it. I am so, so sorry for you now."

"Chamalla, Madam President. Perhaps dissolved in your tea to mask the bitterness?"

Felix looked at Dee meaningfully, and Dee understood. In all its horrible glory, Dee understood. Because whatever even _Felix_, staunch Tom Zarek supporter and atheist, might say about Laura Roslin, he would never, _ever_ say she was a drug addict.

Adama had reached the same conclusion- or already knew the answer. "Don't answer," he ordered the President. "I'm putting a stop to this right now."

"Your honors," Lee interrupted, "if she is on drugs, it goes to her credibility as a witness."

"Witness is dismissed!" Adama thundered.

"Your honors," Lampkin said, "I have to strongly object. He's obviously trying to cover something up here."

"One more word from you, and you'll both be held for contempt," Adama said.

"Admiral! I'd like to hear the witness answer the question."

"As would I."

Lee wheeled on the President, and suddenly Dee knew _exactly_ how he looked in the cockpit of a Viper, right before he made a kill. "Madam President, are you taking chamalla again?"

"Yes, I am," Roslin admitted.

"He shouldn't have…" Felix whispered. "Louis is going to… oh, Gods."

"No further questions," Lee said, as if leaving it dangling was going to be any better.

The President saw that too. "Mr. Adama, aren't you going to ask me why?"

"I'm sorry?" Lee asked.

"Why am I taking chamalla again?" Roslin prompted.

"It's not strictly relevant."

"Well, perhaps it's not relevant to you, but it's relevant to me. Go ahead. Ask me why. Finish what you started."

"Why are you taking the chamalla again, Madam President?"

"I am taking chamalla again because my cancer has returned."

The courtroom erupted into babble, and Dee had never hated Lee Adama more.

***

She didn't hear a word that Felix or Helo said to her as she drifted out of the courtroom. She didn't hear the Admiral's words, or hear the questions a reporter was trying to ask the wife of Baltar's attorney. She only heard the words in her mind.

_It's over. It's over. It's over._

Justice. She knew what justice was, and there was no way it was this. And the Lee Adama she had loved would never believe that this was justice either.

She found herself humming as she floated through the corridors, removed from reality and her feet barely touching the floor. And a part of her was scared, because that's how she knew that she was going through with this, no matter what he said.

Six-five-nine-seven. She pushed the numbers for the last time, and the lock clicked open. She opened the hatch and looked around the room.

She didn't own much, not really.

She mechanically began to pile things into boxes that she found in a closet. After all, she wouldn't have room for much in the officer's rack. Where had she gotten the candlesticks? She stared at them, finally remembering they were from Cain's table in the _Pegasus_. A jewelry box, her elephants, a book that she'd read a thousand times. Her copy of the Scriptures, unopened for most of her tenure in the military and marked with a childish version of her own hand. Photos albums and her clothing, those would go into bags so she could bring them to the racks. She couldn't find her father's knife, but she must have left it in the CIC.

The hatch opened, and she didn't look back.

"What are you doing?"

As Lee spoke, the spell shattered. The illusion of unreality broke away, leaving her in the cold, gray, bitter now. She looked over her shoulder and saw him standing there, pathetic and angry. "Leaving," she said simply.

"Why?"

"You know why." She put her bras into the bag. "What you did to President Roslin was unforgivable."

Lee was silent for a long moment, watching her pack. "I didn't do it to be nasty, Dee. I like President Roslin."

"I know." She folded her BDUs more neatly.

"And I'm still going to keep my promise to you. I won't mention that Gaeta was sleeping with Baltar."

"That's nice."

"Dee…"

She said nothing.

Lee huffed in exasperation. "You know, the fact that she's having hallucinations is relevant to Baltar's defense. That's the way the system works, Dee. The accused has a right to challenge the credibility of witnesses against him. That's just the way it is."

_That's just the way it is._ The Lee Adama she knew never would have said that. When had Lee Adama _ever_ accepted what he was told as unchangable?

Except when the Cylons had invaded New Caprica.

"The system is broken, Lee," Dee snapped. "The system elected that man to be President, and the system's trying to let him walk. That is not a system that deserves to be defended. It deserves to be taken apart and put back together again."

"You know, I wish... I wish I could make you understand."

"I do understand, Lee. And it's why I'm leaving." She checked her locker, and she had everything. She looked at Lee one last time, and told herself she felt nothing. Then she flung the bag over her shoulder and walked out.

She heard Lee shouting at her as she walked down the hall, but she didn't stop.

The officer's hatch was unlocked when she arrived. She opened it up, and to her utmost relief saw Felix, alone, sitting on his bed.

"Dee?" he asked, jumping to his feet.

"I left him," Dee said, and she started to tremble. "I left him."

"Oh, Gods." Felix stood up and pulled her into his arms. "Dee…"

"Don't say anything," she whispered. "I'll get through it. Just tell me that what happened today wasn't justice."

"It wasn't justice," Felix agreed. "Justice shouldn't cost the innocent more than it costs the guilty."

"He'll do it to you, too," Dee warned him.

Felix made a face. "He's welcome to try."

***

The plan was that she would sleep in Felix's rack that night, and Felix would sleep with Louis. The reality was the three of them and Noel sat in Joe's until far too late, talking about matters that were completely unrelated.

When Dee was in high school, her grandmother had died. She'd loved her grandmother, so it had been a loss. But at the same time, they'd all known it was coming, and when her grandmother left this life for the one beyond, there was almost a sense of relief. The adults all talked about that, but Dee had been too heartbroken at the time to truly understand it.

But after the funeral, they'd all gone out to a lunch. Dee's cousins had been in from Edessa, a quarter of a way around the world. They hadn't seen each other in so long, and what began as a solemn and serious event had ended up with them shrieking in laughter and the waiter asking whose graduation they were celebrating, and being very taken aback when he was told it was a funeral.

The night Dee left Lee, she danced with Felix, won a drinking contest with Louis, and compared notes on the Marines with Noel. She hit on Hot Dog, who flirted outrageously with her and promised that another night, he'd give her the best frakking of her life. She and Seelix reminisced about outfits they'd had before the fall, and threatened to give Anders a full makeover. She didn't announce that she'd left Lee Adama, but somehow, the whole bar knew.

When she finally collapsed into Felix's rack, she had two hours before duty. And that was when she finally allowed herself to cry.

***

She had intended to be in the courtroom for Felix's testimony, but Adama juggled the schedule so that she was working Communications and Louis was on Tactical for the day. She wondered if Adama considered it a punishment or a gift. But she tuned into the wireless broadcast, and when Felix was called to the stand, she waved Louis over.

They listened, huddled together like survivors waiting for news. The prosecution didn't ask Felix anything about his personal relationship with Baltar; they merely focused on the execution order that Felix insisted Baltar signed.

Louis expression changed as he listened to that. "What?" Dee asked.

"He wasn't there," Louis said slowly. "He told me about when he saw the order on his desk, and confronting Baltar. He's lying."

"You're sure?"

"I'm sure." Louis sighed. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but… I'm glad."

Dee nodded. "He's probably not really lying anyway," she said, even as Baltar protested his own innocence. "Do you really see Baltar making a stand against the Cylons at the end of the occupation, when he didn't lift a finger before?"

Louis shook his head. "Gods," he said. "I know what it's going to do to him, but in the end it will be- hey, wait. What?" He cocked his head at the speaker. "The defense isn't questioning him? Why?"

Dee thought of Lee's promise. She wasn't sure that it really meant anything to him- more likely they thought it wasn't worth it to break Felix, precisely because of what she'd said. Even if they proved that Felix _hadn't_ seen Baltar sign the order, there was no way to prove that Baltar had resisted. But she was still grateful, because what Lee could do to- and what _Baltar_ could probably do to Felix wasn't something Dee even wanted to think about.

The reported announced a recess, and Dee turned the wireless off as Louis went back to his station. She sighed, and reached over and turned it back on.

The CIC fell back into its comfortable rhythm, and Dee fell right back into it. She was tired and she was heartsore, and she almost missed what was happening on the wireless. It was only the sound of Lee's voice going on for a while that made her take note. And when she heard what he was saying, she turned it up.

"…And we've had to be. Because... Because we're not a civilization anymore. We are a gang. And we're on the run. And we have to fight to survive. We have to break rules. We have to bend laws. We have to improvise. But not this time, no. Not this time. Not for Gaius Baltar. No. You, you have to die. You have to die, because... Well, because we don't like you very much. Because you're arrogant. Because you're weak. Because you're a coward. And we the mob, we want to throw you out the airlock because you didn't stand up to the Cylons, and get yourself killed in the process. That's justice now. You should've been killed back on New Caprica, but since you had the temerity to live, we're gonna execute you now. That's justice!"

The entire CIC was still and silent, listening to the words.

"This case... This case is built on emotion. on anger, bitterness, vengeance. But most of all, it is built on shame. It's about the shame of what we did to ourselves back on that planet. And it's about the guilt of those of us who ran away. Who ran away. And we are trying to dump all that guilt and all that shame onto one man, and then flush him out the airlock and hope that that just gets rid of it all. So that we can live with ourselves. But that won't work. That won't work. That's not justice. Not to me. Not to me."

"So say we all," someone murmured. Dee glanced up, but she didn't catch who.

Louis had the deck. He stood up, looking around at the different faces, absorbing them all. "Back to work," he ordered, and the soldiers obeyed.

But when the announcement of the verdict came, Dee turned the wireless up all the way, and they all listened.

"Gaius Baltar, after carefully weighing the evidence, this tribunal, in a vote of three to two, finds you not guilty."

Silence thundered through the CIC again, and again, Louis was the one to speak up. "Don't even think about it," he ordered. "We have jobs. Do them."

There were angry murmurs and grateful prayers of thanks, but Dee ruminated that the CIC of the _Galactica_ had to be the calmest place in the entire Fleet at this moment.

As the CIC rumbled into action again, Dee noticed she was still wearing her wedding ring. She held her hand out, studying it. A simple, plain, platinum band that signified so much.

She took it off, took off her tags, and slipped the ring onto the chain. Her hand was bare now, and Dee looked at it for a long time, ruthlessly deciding it looked better that way. Then she hung the chain around her neck and went back to work.  



	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When everything comes crashing down, there's always some way to find hope.

"This is not happening," Dee repeated. "I don't understand any of this. This is not happening." She listened to the even beat of her own footsteps, wondering if it was possible to lose her mind and yet say perfectly sane at the same time.

It must be, because that's what was happening to the whole frakking Fleet.

She was almost halfway down the corridor when she realized she was going the wrong way for the officer's racks. Even telling herself she'd been headed for the gym couldn't cover the fact she'd been heading for the quarters that she had shared with Lee. She stopped sharply and reversed, glaring around as if daring anyone to notice.

Given that most people were still winding down from the Fleet's near-escape from the Cylon attack, no one noticed Dee doing something as ordinary as turning around.

She let herself into the officer's racks just as Felix was stepping out. He was still in his uniform, but the fact he was buttoning the jacket and the bite-shaped bruise where neck met shoulder indicated he'd most definitely been out of it. He nodded to her, his face an odd combination of stricken and happy, and then hurried off without a word.

"I had a feeling you'd be in bed," Dee laughed when she saw Louis reclining on his own bunk and wearing only his tanks and shorts and reading a book. When he glanced up from the pages, his smile was serene. Dee cocked her head. "What are you so happy about?" she asked, opening her own, still-unorganized locker. "That's the first real smile I've seen all day."

"I have reason to smile," Louis said enigmatically.

"Really," Dee said wryly.

"We did just inexplicably survive a Cylon attack," Louis pointed out, licking his thumb and turning a page. "That's reason to be happy."

"Despite Starbuck's mysterious reappearance?"

Louis shrugged. "Doesn't mean much to me. Aside from the very strong possibility she's a Cylon and the very weak possibility she actually knows the way to Earth, I couldn't care less. I'd rather read my book."

Dee shook her head, and then did a double take. "Where'd you get a book, anyway?"

"Racetrack finally finished it. There's a waiting list- I've been on it for months."

Dee tried to catch the title, and her eyebrows shot up to her hairline. The paper cover was worn and wrinkled, but she could still make out the scantily clad woman swooning in a muscle-bound Adonis's arms, their hair blowing in the wind.

"You're kidding. That's the copy of _The Innocent Governess_ that's been floating around, isn't it?" Louis nodded, eyes still fixed on the pages. "You're reading a _bodice ripper_?"

"No. I'm reading high brow literature dealing with moral dilemmas and complicated choices. Yes, Dee, I'm reading a bodice ripper."

Dee goggled at that. "Well, where the hell is Felix?"

"Drinking with Zarek. Would you _please_ shut up and leave me alone? I'm at a good part."

"Baltar's been acquitted, we lost power when we hit the Ionian Nebula, the Cylons attacked and went away again for no good reason, Starbuck came back from the dead, Felix is drinking with Zarek, and you want me to shut up because you're at the _good part_ of a heterosexual bodice ripper novel?"

"YES!"

Dee considered it. "Can I read it when you're done?"

***

_Did you see them? When she got out of the Viper? He was the first one to hug her… I heard his wife left him, you know. It must have been over that, everyone knew they were frakking…. He loves her. I've always known he loves her…. The Admiral must be thrilled…._

Everywhere Dee went, she heard the whispers about Starbuck.

They weren't whispers for Noel, or for Louis, or even for Felix. They all told her they heard the conversations at normal level, if not shouted. But when Dee was in the room, they dropped to whispers.

It shouldn't hurt her, but it did.

***

"I'm not giving up my squadron," was the first thing Noel said when Dee found him. He clapped his hand over the patch on his uniform. "I worked too frakking hard for this. I am _not_ handing it over to some Cylon _bitch_!"

"Has anyone asked you to?" Dee said, surprised.

"No," Noel admitted. "But they will. You watch. They will."

"I doubt it, Noel," Dee said. They were sitting in the ready room, Noel chewing on the end of a pen as he went over his lists. "Lee wouldn't do that."

"Lee?"

"I assume… now that he's done Baltar's trial and everything…" Dee faltered.

Noel looked sad. "Dee, haven't you heard? Lee's leaving _Galactica_."

"What?"

"It was on the wireless, and Helo announced it to the pilots at the last briefing. Lee's going to be the Caprican representative to the Quorum of Twelve."

"_What?_" Dee was glad she was sitting. "Noel, what the… he never… I never… _What the frak?_"

Noel raised his eyebrows at her and went back to writing. Dee tried to absorb it. Lee. _Lee Adama_. In civilian politics.

But the thing was, aside from the fact he knew _nothing about it_, she could see it. As her brain adjusted to the idea, it made sense.

"I'm surprised that President Roslin put him up for it," she mused.

Noel looked up from his papers again. "She didn't," he said shortly. "Vice President Zarek did." He sighed as Dee's expression started turning to a glare. "Come _on_," he said. "When are you and Louis both going to accept that the man is no longer a terrorist? He's done a lot of good for the Fleet. I know you aren't big on vigilante justice, but be honest. If it wasn't for the fact that it was _Felix_ that was almost killed, you'd never even know about the Circle, and you might have even supported it." Noel looked her straight in the eyes as he said that, and Dee flushed uncomfortably. "People do change."

"I still can't help thinking he'd blow us all to hell if he thought it was the only way he'd get power."

"He's not after power," Noel denied. "He's after a vision. And yeah," he admitted, "he'd probably blow us all up if he thought it would accomplish that. But I somehow think he's not going to have to. President Roslin's sick, and when she passes away…" Noel shrugged.

"You're awfully quick to give up on cancer patients," Dee said sourly.

Noel shrugged. "It's a knee-jerk reaction. But in Roslin's case, from what they were saying on the wireless, it might be an accurate one." He shrugged again. "You know, if I was her, I'm not sure how hard I'd fight it anyway."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, look at the hell cancer patients go through. You saw what Louis was going through first hand, and from what he's told me and what I…" Noel looked down at his reports again and took a deep breath, "from what I saw on Gemenon, this was an easy round for him. But if Roslin's cancer is as bad as they were implying the other night, she very well might not make it. Why put yourself through all of that, when all we have to live for is day after day of _this_?" He gestured around.

"Why are you flying?" Dee asked. "Why are you fighting, instead of just leaving the military?"

Noel's face darkened. "Because that's what's right," he said. "The frakkers took everything we had. Why _wouldn't_ I fight them? It's not so much that I've got something to fight _for_ as I've got something to fight _about._"

"You have things to fight for," Dee said, a little stung. "You have friends."

"I do," Noel agreed, and his face softened as their eyes met. He smiled at her. "Don't mind me, Dee," he said, and she realized his smile was sad. "I lost two pilots in the Cylon attack."

"I'm sorry," Dee said. She hesitated. "First ones?" Noel nodded, his face closed. "Should I let you finish your work?"

"Yeah, if you don't mind." Noel looked back down at his papers. "I've got to sort this mess out."

"All right. I'll see you around." Dee stood up and left. But before she exited the ready room, she turned back around. Noel's head was cradled in his hands, and Dee had the feeling it had nothing to do with pilots. She also knew he wasn't going to talk to her about it.

She quietly let herself out.

***

Dee had been avoiding the Admiral ever since she left Lee, and she'd had the sense he'd been avoiding her, as well. But the news of Lee's new position sent her straight to the hatch of his quarters. At the sight of the familiar door, her nerve failed her and she stood still, taking a deep breath and trying to gather it up again. The door opened.

"Lieutenant Dualla," President Roslin said, pulling back in shock. She recovered and gave Dee a smile. "It's a pleasure to see you."

"And you, Madame President." The President looked pale and nervous, even under the composure she was mustering up for Dee. Thinking of the chamalla and the courtroom, Dee felt an overwhelming surge of sympathy. "I hope you're doing well."

President Roslin drew in a deep breath and winked. "I'll be better in a day or two," she said, sounding almost sassy. Dee smiled.

"I'm sure you will be, ma'am."

The Admiral stepped out of the cabin. "I looked over that roster, Laura, and I think we can spare-" he stopped as he saw Dee. "Lieutenant."

Dee saluted. "Admiral."

"Did you need me?"

"I can come back another time, sir," she said.

Adama looked at Roslin, and then back over his shoulder. "Wait in my study," he said. "I'll be with you in a few minutes. I just want to walk the President to her destination."

"Of course, sir." Dee stepped aside. "Madame President."

Adama offered Roslin his arm, and then gave Dee a small grin as they left. Dee obediently went through the hatch and into the study. It didn't take a genius to figure out where they were going. Dee remembered Felix telling her he'd walked Louis to his first treatment, and kissed him goodbye at the door to sickbay. She shook her head, because the image of the Admiral and the President kissing wasn't one she wanted. But she had to admit that she was starting to believe it was possible.

She wandered around Adama's office, peering at the pictures. She knew them, of course, and he'd told her the stories behind them all, except one. He'd never had to explain the one of her and Lee, standing and laughing with drinks in their hands, their arms wrapped around each other. And it was still there, in its usual spot.

She turned away and sat down on the sofa, looking instead at a picture of Roslin and Adama smiling together. Technically, it was probably in some official capacity, but yeah. Felix was right.

The hatch opened, and Adama came in and sat down across from her.

"It's a good picture," Dee said, pointing to it. "You and the President."

"I like it," he agreed.

"You know," Dee said slowly, "someone was wondering why she does it. Why she's going to fight the cancer when there's so little left to live for. It's because she's living for _us_, isn't it? Because she wants the people to find a home? To find justice, to find civilization? She's fighting for what she believes in, no matter what it costs her?"

"Yes," Adama confirmed. "Sometimes the greatest sacrifices aren't in death, but in life. She doesn't have to die to save her people… she needs to live to do it."

Dee nodded, still staring at the picture. To her surprise, her eyes were tearing up, and the picture blurred in front of her into a mass of grays and blacks and flesh tones. "I'm sorry, sir," she heard herself saying. "I shouldn't be commenting on the personal affairs of the President."

Adama sighed deeply. "As I understand it," he said slowly, "you're not really commenting on the personal affairs of the President."

Dee sniffled. "I'm trying to be subtle, sir," she said, with a bitter half-laugh.

He smiled sadly. "I know. But I think we'd both benefit if you didn't. You've never been overly subtle, Dee. You're direct. You're honest. Don't change that." He sighed. "You heard Lee's leaving."

"Yes."

"If you wanted, you could go with him, with my blessing," Adama said. He studied her. "But you don't want to, do you?" Dee shook her head, and Adama gave a small smile. "I don't blame you."

"I just…."

Adama stood up, and automatically, Dee did, too. What she didn't expect was the fatherly hug he gave her, holding her tight. She stood frozen for a moment, and then buried her face in his shoulder, tears streaking her face. "It's all right," Adama said, stroking her hair. "No one's mad at you, Dee. I understand."

He probably did. Lee and his father had always been at odds, and she'd _seen_ Adama's face after Lee had exposed Roslin's cancer. And yet, they were still father and son, and she was still just Dee. The ex-wife, now. She pulled away and wiped her cheeks, and then gave Adama her best professional smile.

"I'm not quite sure what I dropped by to say, sir. I just felt like I needed to."

He nodded. "Maybe, when this is all over and we find Earth…."

"Maybe," Dee agreed. "Then again, he might not want to."

"He will," Adama denied.

"Kara," Dee pointed out. The word had never been spoken between them before, not in this context, but there was no surprise on Adama's face.

"I told you before, Dee," Adama said quietly, "no one can replace you."

"I know, sir. Thank you." She saluted once more, and let herself out.

***

Dee looked down at the plaque one more time, and then resolved not to look at it again. She glanced to her side, and Felix winked at her, and Noel stuck his tongue out. She couldn't help a little smile, but it faded fast. Once this was done… once this was over….

"Attention to order!" Helo shouted, and Dee snapped to attention with everyone else.

Lee entered the hangar deck, bags in hand. He looked around, shocked. Well, he would be, Dee realized. Lee was never presumptuous enough to assume this kind of honor. Not half the crew, standing in their dress grays. She snapped her eyes back to Colonel Tigh.

"In recognition of honorable, loyal, and faithful service, Madam President, Admiral of the Colonial Fleet, ladies and gentlemen: Major Lee Adama. Salute!" he ordered.

The entire contingent snapped to a salute. Dee clutched the plaque harder, holding her posture ramrod straight until Lee saluted back at them all. He was about to cry- she could see that so clearly. And she couldn't blame him.

Helo started the applause, and Dee was grateful. It broke that awful moment of realization that Major Lee Adama didn't exist anymore, that it was only Representative Adama, civilian and servant to the people. And like the politician he was becoming, Lee began to shake hands, starting with Helo. He moved down the line, smiling and hugging.

"Good luck," she heard him say to Felix, shaking his hand.

"You, too, sir," Felix answered, because habits weren't easily broken for him.

Lee smiled at him, but the smile nearly faded as he came face to face with Dee. Dee lifted her chin and gave him the plaque. His face melted as he looked at it and said goodbye to a part of himself.

"Thank you," he said. He hugged her tightly, and Dee hugged him back. "Well, it looks like you got the house," he said wryly. "I'll miss you."

Funny. It had hurt all the way up to that moment. But when she looked at Lee, ready to go out and fight for the people, open and honest before her, it hurt a little less.

She finally smiled at him. "Goodbye, Lee."

"Look after yourself," he said.

_Don't go_ a little part of her wanted to yell. _Maybe you're right. Maybe we should talk this over…_ But he turned to face his father, and even as they hugged, she knew they shouldn't. This was the right decision, the right choice.

They watched as Lee climbed into his Raptor. Noel was still waving and applauding, but his eyes were on Dee, and Felix reached out and squeezed her hand.

***

"Dee." Helo caught her by the arm the next day. "Can I talk to you?"

"Sure, Helo." Dee fell into step beside him. "What's up?"

Helo looked around, sighed, and then gestured for Dee to follow him back to his family quarters. Dee didn't mind at all. The Agathon quarters, while a bit messy and tight, had bright colors, scattered crayons, and signs of family and life. It hurt to look at what could have been, and yet it was an enormous comfort to know that some people still had it.

Helo poured her a glass of water and gestured to the chair. Dee took both curiously, the warmth fleeing as he sat down across from her, looking worried.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing's _wrong_, per se," Helo said. "Has the Admiral told you about a mission?"

"No, nothing. Why?"

"Well, then, I'm not telling you either," Helo said significantly. Dee nodded understanding, and Helo took a long drink. "He's decided to follow up on Starbuck telling him she knows where Earth is," he said finally. "He's sending an exploratory mission."

"Oh."

"Right. We'll be gone two months. The thing is, he's sending me _and_ Sharon."

"Both of you?" Dee asked, surprised.

"He's got no choice," Helo sighed. "If we run into Cylons, Sharon's the best person to be there. And I'm Kara's XO. There's no one else with the experience that he can trust with that job."

"What about Hera?" Dee asked.

"Well, that's exactly what I want to talk to you about. I'm hoping we won't be gone for the whole two months, but we very likely will. Sharon and I have discussed it, and we would be very grateful if you would take Hera for us."

Dee stared at Helo in astonishment.

"I know I'm springing this on you in the last minute," Helo said, "but we only just found out that we're going, and the family that's supposed to get Hera if something happens to us just had a new baby. If we don't come back, they'll still take her, but since this _is_ a temporary arrangement…."

He looked so worried, so scared of what might happen to his little family. Dee's heart broke for him. She reached out and touched his hand.

"Of course I will, Helo. Just tell me what to do."

***

It was late when she finally made it back to the racks, and when she did, she entered to find one of the mattresses dragged to the floor, courtesy of Felix, Louis, and Noel.

"Why did you put the mattress on the floor?" Dee asked, staring down at where Felix and Louis were sitting. Felix was leaning against a locker and Louis was half-reclining between Felix's legs, laying against his chest. She looked away hurriedly, feeling almost like she'd walked in on them having sex.

"It's more comfortable than the rack," Felix said. "Less crowded."

"It's also a pain to walk around."

"So don't walk around it." Noel was sitting at the other end. "Join us."

"There's not much room."

"Sure there is," Noel said. He leaned against the opposite locker and spread his legs open. "Come on. We don't have much time."

"Duty calls," Dee said dryly. After her conversation with Helo, she understood exactly why the Admiral had put her on the graveyard shift tonight. She stripped off her jacket and kicked off her boots like the others, and then settled down between Noel's legs. Louis pulled his feet up further to make room for her, but after she sat he extended his legs again.

"Hey," Dee said, nudging his calf with her toe.

"I was here first," Louis said smugly. His smugness only increased as Felix casually kissed his neck. Dee glanced back at Noel, and for some reason he looked angry.

"Anyway, Dee," Noel said, "the topic of discussion is Earth. Or more accurately, Kara Thrace: zombie, Cylon, or big fat liar?"

"She's not a Cylon," Dee sighed. "There's no frakking way I'd be that lucky."

Felix snorted appreciatively, and his hand traced over Louis's arm and down to his hand and fingers. "So you think she's right about Earth?" Felix asked her.

"I'd be more convinced it if was Racetrack saying she'd found Earth," Dee said, and they all laughed at that. "It would be nice if she had, though." She sighed. "I love _Galactica_, but Gods, can you imagine what Earth must be like?"

Louis shrugged. "Actually, no," he admitted. "I don't have the first clue."

"Fresh air, sunsets, and an ocean," Felix said wistfully. "I really want to see an ocean again." He slipped his arms down around Louis, and Dee wondered if he'd been drinking. "And houses, instead of racks. _Private_ houses."

Louis blinked, and then looked back at him with an expression Dee almost categorized as incredulous.

"Other people," Noel said. "I wonder what the people on Earth are like."

Dee twisted around. "What would you like it to be like?"

"I don't know," Noel admitted. "Lots of open space. You know what I'd like? I'd like to find a small town, and just move there with a few people from the Fleet."

"A small town?" Felix asked.

"Sure." Noel began warming to the idea. "A small town on a plain. Something with high grass waving in the wind and farms nearby, and maybe near a desert."

"Um, Noel?" Louis said, "you realize you just put a farm in a desert?"

"Shut up, this is my fantasy. Ranches, then. Is that better?"

"Much. Continue."

"I'd leave the military and open my garage, and not tell anyone in the town where I was really from."

"Anyone?" Felix asked. "You said a few other people from the Fleet."

"Yeah, well, you three would move there and… and start your own ranch."

Louis stared at him, and Dee began to giggle. "Our own ranch?" she said.

"Sure. You and Louis are both Sagittarons."

"My parents weren't farmers," Dee said.

"Sure they were. So you two would tame the wild horses that we'd find running in the desert."

"Noel-"

"Shut up, Felix. I'm creating here, respect my artistic integrity. We'd find wild horses in the desert, and Dee and Louis could break them because Gods know that if the two of you can break each other, a horse should be no problem. And Felix can do the books for the ranch and my garage, and we'll all live on the edge of town."

"On the same ranch?" Louis said.

"On the same ranch."

Dee considered this. "Okay, and what about you and me? These two are off in their own little world together, but do we get sex and love?"

"Nah," Noel said. "No one from Earth is ever going to understand and we're all frakked up, so let's not bring complications into this."

"All right," Dee said agreeably. She thought of Hera. "But I'd still like a baby at some point."

"Well, that's no problem," Noel said, draping his arms around her. "We'll knock you up."

"We?" Felix and Louis both asked together.

"Sure, why not? I mean, you guys want kids eventually, right?"

"Uh-"

"Well, you do, in my world. So the four of us live together in one house. And we have sex with Dee- I really think we can all manage that, at least once a month- and eventually she gets pregnant. And then we have a beautiful baby for the four of us to raise, and we never know who the kid's father really is because it's not important. Unless his ears stick out, and then we can all assume it's Louis's."

"Funny," Louis said, kicking Noel.

"I thought so."

"So the four of us live together. Won't that be kind of weird?"

"Nope."

"No?"

"Because every now and then we'd have a foursome."

They all exploded into laughter, Felix laughing into Louis's shoulder, Dee leaning back against Noel, Noel slipping his arms around her waist as they laughed together. Every time the laughter began to peter out, one of them would look at another, try to imagine a foursome, and the laughter would begin again. Dee didn't surrender until her sides hurt so badly that she had to stop.

"Gods," Felix said, wiping at his eyes, "I needed that."

"You and me both, baby," Louis agreed. He twisted around, eyes fixed on Felix's face, and Felix leaned down to kiss him again. Louis sighed. "I'm not looking forward to this."

Suddenly, Dee realized what was happening. "You're going away for two months," she said to Louis.

Louis shook his head. "Felix is."

"You know about the mission?" Felix asked.

"Helo told me."

They were all serious now, but the echo of their laughter lingered, keeping them wrapped in a warmth that permeated the small room. Louis sighed and nestled back tighter into the circle of Felix's arms, and Dee realized that Noel still had his arms around her. She wished she could fall asleep here, her head against the warm solidity of his chest, and keep this fleeting happiness held tight.

They all must have felt the same way, because no one spoke. No one wanted to break the mood until they had to.

The alarm Felix had set went off.

***

"_Demetrius_, this is _Galactica_. Do you read me?" Dee said, adjusting her headset.

The line crackled, and then Felix's voice was in Dee's ear. "Copy that, _Galactica_. Everything looks good from here."

"You all set?"

"I think so. Mag locks secure, Raptors locked down… we're spooling up the FTL drive."

Dee looked across the CIC, and Louis turned in his seat and met her eyes. "Copy that, _Demetrius._" She glanced at the Admiral, who gave her a thumbs up. "You're good to go."

"Board is green. Tactical on?"

"I'm here," Louis said.

Dee could imagine Felix looking around on the bridge of the _Demetrius_, making sure no one was paying attention. "We'll be back," he promised, his voice low and rough.

"I know," Louis said. "We'll be waiting. Good hunting."

Dee glanced at Adama and Tigh who were also listening in, but neither of them seemed to pick up on anything personal in the communication. Louis's face was set into a hard expression, professional and focused.

"Counting down," Felix said. "Jumping in five… four… three… two… one."

Dee craned her neck, and could just barely see the _Demetrius_ flick off the DRADIS screen. She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment, and then opened them and got back to work.

Across the CIC, she saw Louis do the same.

***

It wasn't just that the _Demetrius_ mission was an exploratory one that kept Dee from dwelling on Felix's absence, it was that she had responsibilities of her own. At the end of her shift, she made her way down to the daycare to pick up Hera Agathon.

"Hi, kiddo," Dee said as Hera came running to her. "How was your day?"

"Good. Are Mommy and Daddy coming home today?"

"Not today," Dee said. "It's just you and me." She cringed, anticipating a tantrum, but Hera just shrugged and took her hand.

"All right."

As they walked back to the Agathon quarters, Hera told Dee all about the inner workings of Raptors, how Miss Krista told her she was naughty for pushing Nicky, and how Timmy got an eraser stuck up his nose. She held Dee's hand and brandished a picture of a pair of stick figures, both in blue, one with long black hair and one with short spikes- obviously meant to be Helo and Athena. Dee praised her to the skies.

She opened the hatch and let them in. "Are you staying here tonight?" Hera asked her.

"Yes," Dee said. "I'm staying here until your mommy and daddy come home."

"That sounds good. Let's color," Hera suggested.

The evening passed easily. Hera was cooperative, playing nicely, eating her dinner, using the potty. She even went to bed easily, leaving Dee to sit in the silence of the quarters.

For the first time since she'd left Lee, Dee had time to just sit and think, with no one interrupting her or trying to cheer her up, with no trials or attacks or farewells.

There was a picture of Helo and Athena on the nightstand. Dee picked it up and studied it. The picture looked professional; she wondered who had taken it and what Helo and Athena had had to trade for it. It was something she and Lee had never had done. They both looked happy. She wondered if this was taken before or after they'd gotten Hera back.

Had she and Lee been this happy? It was hard to say. Right now, Dee was still so furious with him that she could barely see straight. And it was so easy to remember Kara, to remember all those frustrations of New Caprica, and to remember everything else that went wrong.

"Caprican representative," she said softly, and then glanced at Hera. Hera didn't even stir. Dee shook her head, and then put her feet up and her head back, closing her eyes.

Before she knew it, she was asleep.

***

A week later, the game had changed.

"No!" Hera screamed. "I don't want to go pee! I don't like this place! I DON'T LIKE YOU!!!"

Dee took a deep breath, and then another. "You will pee," she informed the little girl. "It is your bedtime, and you _will_ pee."

Hera looked at her for a moment with baleful red eyes, and then launched into the loudest scream Dee had ever heard, kicking her feet.

"Fine!" Dee shouted. "Don't pee! See if I care!" She started to pick Hera up.

"No!" Hera wailed. "No, no, no! I need to pee!"

"THEN PEE!!!!"

Hera was not impressed by Dee's volume. But Noel, who had entered the head, was. "Whoa," he said. "What's going on?"

Hera snuffled at him, wiping her nose on her arm.

Dee glared back over her shoulder. "Not now, Noel," she ground out.

Noel ignored her. "Hey, Hera," he said. "You peeing?"

Hera looked at Dee and then nodded.

"How about I pee with you? Does that sound good?"

Hera nodded again.

Noel went over to the urinal and undid his pants. "Ready, poptart?" he asked. "On the count of three. One, two… three."

To Dee's utter relief, she heard the telltale sound of urine hitting water. She sat back on her heels, sighing and collecting herself. "Good girl, Hera," she said.

"I did a great job peeing," Hera informed her and Noel.

Noel zipped himself back up. "You did," he said. "High five." He came over and held up his hand, and Hera slapped it. Dee helped her off the toilet and to pull up her underwear.

"What are you guys doing in here?" Noel asked as Dee led Hera over to the sink to wash her hands. "I thought the Agathons' quarters had a head."

"It does," Dee replied tiredly. "But let's just say that after a week, the honeymoon's over."

"The novelty has worn off, huh? For you or for her?"

"It was never a novelty for me," Dee said sternly.

"Sorry."

"What's novelty?" Hera asked.

"Don't worry about it. Come on. It's time for bed."

Hera looked at Noel. "Will you come tuck me in, Narcho?" she asked.

Noel looked at Dee, and Dee shrugged. She knew she probably shouldn't, but the truth was it got lonely in the Agathon quarters after Hera fell asleep, and Dee wouldn't mind at all if Noel kept her company. "Sure," Noel said, a little apprehensively. "I can do that."

"Good." Hera took his hand, and then took Dee's as well. "Let's go."

Dee was not at all surprised when Hera wrangled another story out of Noel, and two songs. But Hera eventually settled down, a battered doll tucked by her side as she curled up under her blankets. Dee gestured to the chair across from her, and Noel pulled the curtain around Hera's bed.

"She's got you wrapped around her finger," Dee teased, all too aware that Hera had had _her_ wrapped around that same little finger until a few days ago.

Noel sighed and flopped into the chair. "She's a cute little snot," he said. "Do all three year olds talk like that?"

Dee shrugged. "I think she's advanced," she admitted.

"Because she's half-Cylon?"

"Don't know. She's advanced, but Helo said she's not abnormal for a three-year-old girl. She could just be smart."

"Mmm." Noel leaned his chin on his hand. "Or she could be half-Cylon."

"She _is_ half-Cylon."

"You know what I mean." Noel glanced at the curtain. "Suppose we should stop talking about it, huh? Want to play a game?"

"Not really," Dee sighed. "But it's not like I've got any better ideas."

Noel got up and rummaged around and came up with two packs of cards. "War," he declared. "No thought required."

"Sounds good."

They played for a while, and Dee had to admit it was nice to have the company. Noel must have been thinking along the same lines. "You know," he said as he was preparing to leave for the night, "I know Helo and Athena didn't ask me, but if you need help over the next few weeks, I'll be glad to help you."

Dee hesitated for a moment, because it wasn't really in her nature to out-and-out admit she needed help, but as a chasm of seven more weeks of this opened up in front of her, she nodded. "Thank you. I'll take you up on it."

Noel smiled, hugged her, and gave a little salute as he walked out the door. Hera whimpered as the hatch shut, but she didn't wake up. Dee sighed in relief and went to get ready for bed.

***

"MOMMY!!! MOMMY!!!! I want you, mommy!"

Dee was out of bed as soon as she could get untangled from the covers and beside Hera, who was shrieking and batting at the wall. "Hera! Hera, I'm here, sweetie!"

Hera saw her, her eyes widened, and she latched onto Dee with a vice-like grip. "Where's my mommy?" she begged.

"Mommy's away on a mission. But I'm here, Hera," Dee reassured her. She hugged Hera tight and rubbed her back. "I'm here."

Hera sobbed into Dee's breast. After a long time, she began to calm down.

"Was it a bad dream, Hera?" Dee asked softly. Hera nodded. "What about?"

Hera shook her head mutely, and Dee realized she didn't have the first idea how to really handle this. Helo had mentioned that Hera had bad dreams, and Dee had dutifully been taking her to her psychologist appointments on the _Rising Star_, but actually being here and having the little girl shivering in her arms….

"Do you want to sleep with me tonight?" she asked.

"Mommy and Daddy say I can't sleep in their bed," Hera said.

"Oh." Dee looked around. "What does your mommy do when you have a bad dream?"

"Sometimes she sleeps with me."

Dee nodded. "All right. I can sleep with you. Would you like that?"

"Yes."

Dee got up and retrieved a blanket from Helo and Athena's bed, and then returned and lay down next to Hera. Hera cuddled into her arms. "Dee? When will Mommy be home?"

"In a few weeks, sweetie."

"I want her home now."

"I know." Dee yawned. She was tired, and with Hera nestled against her chest it was warm and comfortable.

"Dee? Where's your mommy? Is she on _Galactica_?"

"No."

"Did she die like Daddy's mommy?"

"Yes," Dee said shortly.

"Why?"

"Let's not talk about that right now, Hera," Dee said, hoping like crazy Hera would forget it by the morning.

"But will she come back?"

"My mommy won't. Your mommy will."

"Okay." Hera settled against her again. Eventually she fell asleep, but Dee lay awake, staring at the wall for a long time.

***

Life with a toddler was more complicated, but like anything else it had a rhythm to it, and Dee fell into it quickly. Hera settled back down, neither angel nor demon but a fairly typical three year old, with good days and bad days. Dee worked her shifts and spent the rest of her time with Hera, although occasionally she managed to get away long enough to see adults. And Noel helped her, eating dinner with them whenever he could, keeping them company, playing with Hera.

Louis was working double shifts, so he didn't come by often. Dee also had the sense he was avoiding them, although she couldn't figure out why. After a lot of badgering on her part and some bribery on Noel's, he did join them one evening for dinner. Hera regarded him suspiciously for a long time, and then ignored him as she sat down to play with the approximation of play-dough that someone had made on the hangar deck.

"I don't even want to know what's in this stuff," Noel said, as Hera carefully crafted a blobby person made from balls of dough. He was rolling it between his fingers, ostensibly making a Raptor.

"Me neither."

"You look tired, Louis," Noel observed, studying him closely. "Are you sleeping?"

"When the Admiral lets me. I've been working a lot of doubles." Louis yawned and stretched. "Plus, with Felix gone, I get stuck with the navigation."

"Is Felix on the mission with Mommy and Daddy?" Hera asked.

"Yes," Dee answered. "He's helping them find the way."

"Oh. Why?"

"Because that's what he was ordered to do," Noel muttered.

"Because they're trying to find Earth," Dee corrected Noel firmly.

"Oh. Why are they trying to find Earth?"

"So we have a place to live."

"Oh. Why?"

Louis's head hit the table.

***

"The thing is," Noel sighed when Hera was safely in bed, "she's _always_ like that."

"I know," Louis said shortly. He shuffled the pack of cards, glaring at it.

"She didn't hit home too hard when she asked about Felix, did she?" Dee asked sympathetically. "She asked about my parents a few weeks ago, and it…" she shrugged.

But Louis just shook his head. "I'm not that worried about Felix yet," he insisted. "He's fine."

"I have to say," Noel said, looking at the curtain, "it's hard, but I'm getting why people want kids. One minute she's driving me _insane_, and the next she's so frakking adorable I just want to hug her and never let her go."

Dee smiled. "Are you telling me you might actually want children some day?"

Noel shrugged. "Depends on what Earth is like."

"What about you, Louis?" Dee asked curiously.

Louis closed his eyes. "No. I don't think so."

"Don't you like kids?"

"I do. But I've also had recurring AML since I was seventeen. It's hit me four times now, and I'm under no illusions it won't hit me again. Unless the Cylons catch us, it will be what kills me in the end. It's just a matter of when."

"Wow," Dee said, staring at him. "Someone's fatalistic tonight."

Louis shrugged. "Look. If we find Earth and it's unpopulated, or if we don't find Earth and we settle on New Gemenon or something, I'll give genetic material if that's what's required of me. But I can't promise that I'll be around to care for a child.

"No one can," Dee said stiffly, thinking of the baby that had never come to be.

Louis sighed heavily. "Come on, Dee," he said. "Concede this one, will you? I'm a frakking cancer survivor. I think it's safe to say my odds are worse than most people's."

"What if Felix wants kids?" Noel asked.

"Would you two get _off_ the subject?" Louis snapped. "I really don't feel like talking about this!"

"All right," Dee said. "Then deal."

Louis dealt the cards, and they lapsed into awkward silence. It made her feel guilty to think it, but Dee had to admit that she was almost glad to see Louis leave.

"Well," Dee said, clearing off the table, "that was not one of our better evenings."

Noel shrugged. "Dee?" he said, picking up a deck of cards and shuffling them from hand to hand. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"You've said it before that you still want a baby. Do you really?"

"Of course," Dee laughed. "Some day. I realize it won't be until we get to Earth, and it won't be with Lee…" she trailed off, feeling that familiar pain when she said that. She pushed it aside. "Why?"

"Just… I never thought I'd want one. I mean, even when Louis and I were together, we planned on being in the military for a long time, and then when we were done we were going to open that garage together. I knew he didn't want kids, and I always just assumed I was going to be the cool uncle that spoiled my nieces and nephews rotten. But spending the past few weeks with you and Hera… I don't know." Noel smiled. It was an open, simple smile, untinged with bitterness and grief. "I feel like I'm waking up. I've felt a lot of things since the attacks on the Colonies. I mean, I've been angry and I've felt grief. I miss my family so much it still hurts every night and I want to throw up every time I think of them. But I've had some happiness, I've got my squad and my friends, and it's not like my life has been all bad. But for some reason, these past few weeks… this is the first time I've felt _alive_. This is the first time I've had a glimpse of a future."

"And your future includes a baby?" Dee asked skeptically.

"I don't know," Noel admitted. "But I like not knowing." He stood up and stretched. "I should go. I'll see you tomorrow."

He ducked behind the curtain, kissing Hera goodnight. Dee watched his silhouette thoughtfully. A glimpse of a future, he'd said.

It was hard to picture a future, but Dee was sure there was one. Someday, when they found Earth.

***

The last place that Dee expected to run into Louis was the Memorial Hallway, but she found him there the next day, staring at the wall.

"Louis?"

He started out of his reverie, surprised to see her. "Dee." His eyes were wet, and Dee backed away.

"I'm sorry," she said hastily. "I interrupted. I'll go."

"No. It's all right." He wiped at his eyes. "I'm sorry about last night," he said. "I shouldn't have come."

"Why not?"

Louis turned back to the wall, and Dee followed his gaze. She recognized the portrait of Jurgen Belzen with his family. "Oh," she said softly, although she didn't quite understand.

"This was Rika," Louis said, pointing to the wife. "And the older daughter's name was Annie. But this," his finger rested gently on the younger girl, "was Molly. She was my goddaughter."

Dee's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Mine and Helena's." Louis laughed. "Helena would take the girls to play paintball and to Pyramid games, and I was the one who took Molly to the princess movies and did tea parties with her. Although I have to say, there are few things in this universe that are funnier than watching Helena suffer through a tea party." Dee finally realized that he was talking about Admiral Cain, and goggled at him. Louis didn't notice. "She was a bit of a princess, I think. She wanted to be a nurse like her mother, though. I wonder if she would have been."

Dee didn't know what to say. She finally managed, "Were you close to Annie, too?"

Louis nodded. "Yes. Annie's godparents were Jurgen's brother and his wife, but she called me Uncle Lou. She and Molly were the only two people I know who have ever been allowed to get away with calling me Lou." His fingers drifted over the picture. "Gods, I miss them."

"And Hera brings it all back," Dee said dully. "I'm sorry we pressed the issue."

Louis shrugged, finally dropping his hand. "It's all right," he said eventually. "One day, I'll have to face it. One day I'll have to face a lot of things. But I can't right now, not if I want to keep going." He sighed. "Do you have any idea how frakked up the human race is going to be for a long time? Everyone's lost so much, and when we can stop running and have time to really think… it's going to be ugly," Louis predicted.

"It might not be," Dee said hopefully.

"New Caprica was. Even before the Cylons invaded."

"New Caprica was a struggle for survival. Earth is supposed to be inhabited. It must be different."

Louis shrugged. "It might be. But it's going to be a mess," he said.

Dee shook her head, but held her tongue. Louis sighed and turned away from the wall.

"I have duty," he said. "I'll see you later."

***

"'When will Mommy and Daddy be home? When will Mommy and Daddy be home?' I swear if I hear it again, I'm going to scream," Dee said over the line to Louis.

"It's not long now," Louis said. "Just a few more days."

"Mmm."

"Three days, five hours, and twenty seven minutes at the most," Louis said.

"But who's counting?" Dee laughed. She sighed. "They must not have found it yet."

"That's what I keep telling myself," Louis said. He turned and checked the DRADIS screen like any other man would check a clock. "It's better than the alternative, at any rate."

"True. Do you think they'll find it?"

She could see Louis shrug. "Don't know."

"You don't really think Earth is real, do you?" Dee realized.

"Don't know if Earth is," Louis admitted. "But Felix is, and as long as he comes back to me, I'm happy." He glanced over at the Admiral and the Colonel, but neither of them was listening. "Three days, five hours, and twenty six minutes."

***

"WEAPONS HOLD!" Colonel Tigh's voice rang through the CIC, and everything froze for what felt like a long moment.

The console beeped insistently at her.

"DRADIS contact," Dee informed them, picking up the headset.

"_Galactica, Demetrius,_" Helo's voice was informing her. "Do not fire. Baseship is disarmed and under Colonial command. Officers aboard."

"_Demetrius, Galactica_. Authenticate," Dee ordered.

"_Galactica, Demetrius._ I authenticate, bravo tango 8," Dee exhaled in relief. "Do not fire. Starbuck and Athena have control of the baseship."

"Good to hear your voice, Helo," Dee said. "Give us a sitrep."

"Baseship is disarmed and under Colonial command. Starbuck, Longshot, Athena, and Barolay are on board. The communication is shaky at best- I think the jump might have fried the wireless."

"Copy that. Are there Cylons aboard the _Demetrius_?"

"That's a negative. But you'd better get a Raptor over here as soon as possible, with a medical team on board." Helo paused. "Gaeta's down."

Dee's throat closed. "How bad is it?"

"Bad. Leg wound, but… Dee, just get someone over here immediately."

"Copy that." Adama looked up at her and gave her a signal. "Transferring you to the Admiral," she said. She clicked the line off and immediately dialed down to sickbay, ordering a team of medics up as fast as they could go.

For a long moment after that, she sat, uncertain of what to do. The Vipers were all flying out, swarming the basestar, keeping an eye out for any more. She looked down at Louis, who had finished coordinating the Fleet's jump. She wondered if she should go down and tell him about Felix.

She didn't have to. Tigh was on the line with Helo, and she heard his side of the conversation from her station. "What the frak?" he was shouting. "_Gaeta's_ been shot? What the frak is going on over there?"

Louis went stark white and twirled a dial on his console, and Dee could see from his face he was listening in. If possible, his face turned even paler. He turned, looked at the DRADIS, and then turned back to Adama. "Sir, I-"

"Incoming?" Adama demanded tensely.

"No, sir."

"Keep an eye on it, Mr. Hoshi," Adama said firmly. "It may very well be a trap."

"Yes, sir." Dee saw the realization that duty _must_ come first right now sink through Louis. In fact, she noticed that Adama was avoiding her eye as well.

"Take a contingent of Marines over to the baseship," Adama ordered Tigh. "I want to know exactly what is going on."

"Yes, sir." Tigh looked a little spooked, but he saluted and left the CIC.

Dee snapped back to her own job, but her mouth was dry and her heart kept pounding oddly.

Two hours later, Helo entered the CIC. He came straight for Dee. "How's Hera?" he asked, leaning down towards her. He smelled strongly of sewage, and Dee covered her nose as discreetly as she could.

"She's fine," she said. "Shower before you see her, though. How's Gaeta?"

"Doc says he's going to make it, most likely," Helo said. "He's got to amputate, though."

"Amputate?" Dee asked, appalled.

Helo didn't physically squirm, but it was obvious he wanted to. "Yeah. Listen, would you mind picking up Hera from daycare again tonight? I'm going to be tied up in the debriefing and everything that's going on." Dee nodded. "Great. Thanks Dee." He sucked in a breath and looked down at the tactical station. "I'd better go tell Hoshi."

Dee would never forget the look on Louis's face when Helo gave him the news. She'd never forget the way his hands shook as he turned back to the tactical station, realizing he wasn't going to be able to go down to sickbay because Adama was putting him on a double shift, given the precariousness of the situation. She would try, but she would never be able to erase it. Or her own sick feeling as she tried not to imagine what was happening to Felix at this very minute.

She looked up at the clock, and then turned back and did her job.

***

It was late when Dee made it back to the officer's racks, finally leaving Hera with her parents. She stared for a long moment at Felix and Louis's empty bunks, and she tried to make herself sit in her own. But she just couldn't do it.

There was no reason to feel like there were ghosts- Felix wasn't dead. But as she stood in the room, Dee looked at where they'd placed the mattress two months ago, and she imagined she could hear the memories talking… laughing. She wiped a hand across her eyes.

Felix _would_ live. He _had_ to.

She was just moving towards the hatch when it opened, and Noel came in. He had showered, but he still looked tired and worn and haggard. When he saw her, he closed the space between them in two swift steps and pulled Dee close.

Noel's chest was warm and solid under Dee's shoulder. "I went down to sickbay," Noel told her, and she could feel his voice under her cheek. "Doc took his leg."

"Gods." Dee shuddered. "Is he going to-"

"Yeah. He's going to live."

"Gods, I really thought-"

"I know. We all did." His arms tightened around her protectively. Dee knew exactly how he felt, and she squeezed his waist.

They stood together for a long time, taking comfort in each others' presence. But it wasn't enough. Dee hadn't been down to sickbay, but it was all too easy to envision Felix lying in bed, Louis sitting worriedly beside him. She looked up at Noel, only to find him looking down at her. And without thinking about what she was doing, she pulled herself up on to her tiptoes and kissed him. Noel started in surprise, but then his hand was smoothing her hair, and he was kissing her back.

Dee was honest enough to admit that she'd always wondered what Noel was like in bed, just like she'd always had her speculations about Felix, and even occasionally about Louis. And she'd always been able to picture him picking her up and moving them to the privacy of her rack, pulling the curtain. And she'd always known he'd be a good kisser.

It didn't start as passionate, but they let it spiral there, because then it was easier not to think and that was the whole point. It was so much easier to drown in this comfort, in this warmth, in his lips and his touch and his scent, and when her eyes met his, she could tell he felt the same way. He wasn't necessarily the best lover she'd ever had- there were moments he was even more awkward than Billy had been- but it was what she needed.

They moved together, Noel's forearms tight against her shoulders, her legs against his waist. She gripped his back, her head falling back as she came. _Easy_, her mind whispered. _This is easy, but it's not real…._ She firmly told herself to shut up and moved with Noel, finding his rhythm again.

It took a while, which shouldn't have surprised her. Dee wondered what he was thinking about when he came, gasping into her shoulder and clinging tight to her body. He stilled, and she reached up and brushed his hair aside.

"Are you all right?" she asked him softly.

Noel nodded. He stayed there for a long moment and then pulled out, lying beside her. She was afraid he'd pull away, but he reached for her and pulled her close, lacing the fingers of his free hand through hers. He opened his mouth to say something, reconsidered, and shut it, pulling her close and gently kissing her forehead.

"Noel," Dee began.

Noel shook his head. "Don't say anything," he said. "Just let yourself sleep. We'll deal with everything tomorrow. But right now, let's both sleep."

Dee nodded silently and arranged herself more comfortably against him, her back against his side. Noel turned over and draped his arm around her waist, spooning her against him comfortably, and they both drifted off to sleep.

***

When Dee woke up to an insistent alarm, Noel greeted her with a friendly kiss and slid out of the rack. "I don't have a briefing for another hour," he told her, hitching his pants up over his bare bottom. He looked around the locker, and made a face. "Louis never came back last night, either. I'll stop by the infirmary and see how Felix is doing and report back. Sound good?"

Dee nodded. She sat up, keeping the blanket around her, rubbing at her eyes. "Thanks, Noel."

"Hey, no problem," Noel said. He smiled at her, pulled on his tanks, and leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. "I'll see you later, right?" Dee nodded.

There was no feeling of slinking out, no feeling of shame. Noel left quickly, but it was with his head high and a confident step, and Dee could only smile as the hatch closed behind him. He hadn't tried to talk about this, he hadn't tried to make it into something more than it was with a morning-after analysis. He just left it what it was, leaving Dee to do the same.

And that, Dee thought, as she slid out of the rack, was the most comforting thing of all.  



	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, hope just isn't enough.

"_Alone she sleeps in the shirt of man, with my three wishes clutched in her hand…_"

The song send chills racing up and down Dee's spine, and for a horrible moment she just wanted to turn around and flee the infirmary. But she steeled herself and took a deep breath, and then finished the walk to Felix's cubicle.

It looked like no one had visited; a testament to Louis's anal-retentive neatness. She stared at the chair sitting neatly in its place, the folded clothing lying on the bedside table… anything to avoid looking at the man in the bed.

The music stopped; Felix had noticed her. Dee forced that bright smile back onto her face immediately.

"I didn't know you could sing," she said, because it was the best she could come up with in a situation where there were no right words.

Felix's eyes had a dull sheen to them. "I used to take lessons. Back on Picon."

"A lifetime ago." Dee dragged the chair over and sat down by the bed. Involuntarily, her eyes dragged down Felix's body and to the remains of his leg. She didn't want to see it, and she didn't want to stare. She just wanted to see her friend, not the missing pieces. Felix saw her expression and smiled bitterly.

"Go ahead, Dee. Get it over with."

"Felix…" Dee began, but her throat closed. He looked terrible, gray and sweating, hooked to tubes and monitors. She didn't know what to do or what to say, but her hand moved involuntarily, reaching out and closing around his. It was the one gesture of comfort Dee knew that Felix was comfortable with, and his fingers tightened around his in response.

_Don't ask me about it_, he pleaded with his eyes, and Dee settled more comfortably in the chair, turning so she was looking at his face. "So," she said lightly. "You used to sing. Were you in the choir?"

Felix snorted, and she didn't imagine his look of gratitude. "No," he said. "Musicals."

"Musicals?"

Felix managed a smile. "I sang the lead in _Prince of Ephyra_ when I was in high school."

Dee considered this. "I find it hard to believe. I've seen you dance."

They both winced in the ensuing hurt, but Felix mustered a grimace that was meant to be a smile. "They changed the choreography. A lot."

"Oh."

An awkward silence settled between them, and Dee sat, holding Felix's hand. "I know Louis has been down," she finally said, her voice sounding strange in her own ears.

"Yes." Felix sighed. "He's going to wear himself out," he said. "Ishay and Cottle let him stay because… well…"

"He's Louis," Dee said with a small smile.

Felix nodded. "He said at least his hours in the infirmary paid off for something. But he left this morning for duty and…" Felix broke off, grimacing in pain. The pain intensified until he was nearly bent over, biting back tears and his hands blindly clutching at his leg. Dee stared at him in useless horror.

"Should I get Cottle?" she asked, trying not to panic.

Felix shook his head, and after a moment he lay back on the bed, sweating and trembling. "They tell me it's normal," he said, eyes closed. "Normal," he repeated sourly. "I don't even want to think about what's going to be normal for me from now on."

Dee didn't want to, either, even though common sense told her somewhere down the line, Felix would be so adept on a prosthetic leg that unless you knew what had happened, you might not realize he had a disability at all. A lost limb was hard, but it was by no means an ending of a life. But she could tell Felix didn't want to hear that right now, and she couldn't blame him. It was like everyone saying maybe it was for the best, and she and Lee could always try again.

They sat in silence for a long time, and when the pains got worse again, Felix began to sing. Dee's voice was nothing like his, but she could manage a tremulous harmony to his melody.

It didn't help, but they both pretended it did.

***

If Dee, Noel, and Louis had had their way, one of them would have been in the infirmary at every moment, helping Felix, keeping the darkness and the pain at bay. But Starbuck hadn't just brought an injured soldier home with her; she'd brought an entire baseship of Cylons as well. And there was no time for friendship and solidarity, only for attack plans, drills, and endless hours of duty.

"Has Adama come down to visit you?" Dee asked Felix, when she managed to snag a fifteen minute break.

Felix's eyes were glazed over. Doc Cottle had mentioned that he was still prescribing morpha for the pain. He took a long moment to even process Dee's question, and it seemed like it took a lot of effort to answer it.

"I think so," Felix said, wonderingly. Then, more firmly, "Yes. For a few minutes, at any rate. He gave me the 'we need you back in CIC, get better soon' speech."

"It couldn't have been that dismiss-" Felix closed his eyes before Dee could deny it, and Dee sighed heavily. A monitor beeped, and Felix breathed deeply. "Felix?"

"It's okay," he murmured. "The medicine…."

"Ah."

"Dee? What's been happening?" Felix asked, eyes heavily lidded. "I know that we brought the Cylons back, but no one will tell me anything."

"I don't know for sure," Dee admitted. "I just know that we're gearing up for something big."

"Tom visited," Felix said groggily. "He was upset. Things are bad, aren't they?"

Dee nodded. "Things are bad," she agreed. She glanced at the clock on the wall. "I need to get back to duty," she said.

Felix closed his eyes and nodded.

***

"An alliance with the Cylons," Noel raged. "It's not right. It's not frakking right."

"But if they give us the Resurrection Hub-" Louis argued.

"If," Noel emphasized. "_If._ I'm not so sure I want to wager the little I've got left on one hell of an _if_."

"It's a risk worth taking," Louis disagreed. "They seem-"

"They _seem_?" Noel demanded. "_Seem?_ Louis, you'd better be shitting me, or Admiral Cain is going to come back and shoot you in the frakking head."

"Shut the frak up, Noel This would be one of those times they told us about in basic, where it's good not to have an opinion. We've got orders, that's all that matters."

"Until someone shoots you in the head for not following them."

"Both of you, shut up," Dee ordered, pressing the palms of her hands to her temples. Her mind was a whirl of rumors and stories, Cylons and humans. "Admiral Adama wouldn't steer us wrong. We _know_ that."

"You have a lot of faith, Dee," Noel said sourly. "I hope it's well placed, but given that Adama hasn't even _asked_ about what happened to Felix's leg-"

"When it calms down," Dee insisted. "When everything calms down, he'll investigate."

"No he won't," Noel predicted, "because it has to do with Starbuck."

"He will," Louis argued. "Something this serious, and to his Senior Officer of the Watch… he'll investigate."

"He won't," Noel said darkly. "Just wait and see."

***

The DRADIS screen looked odd with that baseship lurking on it. Dee remembered back when the _Pegasus_ had joined the Fleet and she'd had to become accustomed to a new dot on the screen, a new frequency on the wire. She settled into her station, slipping on her headphones. She was tired, and all she wanted to do was sleep, and wake up with everything back to how it had been two months ago.

Dee sighed, remembering the night that Felix had left on the _Demetrius_. He'd been wrapped around Louis, both of them so comfortable and happy. Down at the tactical station, Louis was rubbing his eyes when he thought no one was watching, and even from where she sat Dee could see the shadows of exhaustion and worry. His uniform was rumpled, and he hadn't shaved since Felix came back. She looked over at Adama; he didn't seem to be wondering why one of the CIC officers seemed to be suddenly falling apart. But then, it wasn't like Louis hadn't been working double shifts the whole time.

The comm buzzed. "_Galactica_, Hot Dog. Checking in. We've got all the Vipers on the baseship now."

"Hot Dog, _Galactica_, copy that," Dee said. She couldn't resist the question. "What's it like over there?"

"I don't like it," Hot Dog said, his voice flat and dry. "The sooner I'm back on the _Galactica_, the better."

"Copy that," Dee said. She looked down at Louis, who was bent over his console, a pencil flying across paper. "The sooner all this is over, the-" the line cackled with static and feedback, and Dee winced. "Hot Dog? Hot Dog, do you copy? FRAK!"

On the DRADIS screen, the baseship disappeared.

***

The CIC still felt like chaos even after sixteen hours, and from what Dee was understanding as she walked through the halls, the rest of the Fleet wasn't much different. The abduction of the President of the Colonies was almost unthinkable.

"It's funny," Petty Officer Sian had observed when she relieved Dee for a short break. "The President has cancer; we all know she'll be gone someday. But it still turns the Fleet upside down to have her gone."

"Well," Dee had pointed out, "I suppose there's a difference between 'gone' and 'taken by the Cylons that were meant to be allies.'" She couldn't help the bitterness that raged through her voice, the way her heart was lodged in her throat. It wasn't just the President that was on that baseship.

Sian had made a face, and Dee had retreated from her station, at least long enough to get something to eat and a couple of minutes of rest before she was due back in the CIC. She slipped into the mess hall.

The wireless was turned on, and for a long moment, Dee didn't register what was being said. But everyone was leaning over it, silent and still.

"I, Leland Joseph Adama, do now vow and affirm…."

"I, Leland Joseph Adama, do now vow and affirm…."

"That I take the office of President of the Twelve Colonies of Kobol without any moral reservation or mental evasion…."

Dee burst out laughing.

Everyone turned and stared at her, and there were a few angry shushes, but Dee couldn't compose herself. "You're kidding me," she gasped, leaning over a table for air. "You're frakking kidding me. Who pulled this together?"

"It's not a joke," Showboat said, a flash of understanding crossing her face. There was something about her delivery that made Dee stop cold. The laughter slipped from her immediately, leaving her frozen as she listened to the inauguration of President Lee Adama.

"We have been assured that this Presidency is likely to be very short-lived," the reporter was saying, "as representatives from the military assure us that there is a very good chance President Roslin is still alive, and that a plan is in place for her return. We will keep you updated on this situation as it develops."

"Could have been First Lady, huh?" a specialist said to her. "Bet you're regretting walking away now."

Dee glared at him, turned on her heel, and left the mess. President Lee Adama.

And the funny thing was, even though the very thought was ludicrous, she wished she could call and congratulate him.

***

"Lieutenant Dualla?"

"Yes?" Dee turned to see Krista, one of the daycare workers, holding Hera Agathon in her arms. "Oh, no… come here, sweetie." She held her arms out to Hera. "How are you doing?"

"I want Daddy," Hera snuffled.

"Captain Agathon didn't come to pick her up, and when I asked around, they said he's with President Roslin," Krista looked at Dee meaningfully.

"Daddy had a mission," Dee explained to Hera. "But I'm sure he'll be back soon. I'm going to stay with you tonight."

Hera sniffed and nodded. Dee thought it was amazing how the child could be so adaptable, but then, it was a skill she'd probably learned. Gods knew that with all the times the Cylons found them… Dee hugged Hera tight.

"Listen, I need to talk to Miss Krista, okay? Can you play with your Raptor over there for a minute?"

"I wouldn't let her go too far," Krista commented. "_Galactica_ is getting restless."

"It won't take long." Dee set Hera down and Hera scampered away.

"Is Helo all right?"

Dee shook her head. "We don't know anything. We can't get any sort of transmission with the baseship."

"Nothing at all? Even with all those Raptors and Vipers that went over?"

"They're too far out of range." Dee sighed. "I'll certainly stay with her until Helo gets back, that's not a problem at all," she said, and Krista set her mouth and nodded. "What I wanted to ask is if I should take her down to see Athena. I was thinking that it might help her to know that her mother's still alive and safe, but at the same time, I didn't know if that would upset her more, to see her mom locked up."

Krista considered it. "The Admiral has said that she's not to have any contact with her mother," Krista said. "I don't think he means it as a punishment on Hera, but on Athena for shooting that Cylon. But right now…"

"If it was you?"

"If I had the clearance, I'd take her down," Krista said firmly. "Hera deserves to know that her mother is all right, and with everything that's happened, Athena deserves to know that her child isn't being harmed." Dee nodded. "It would help her, Lieutenant."

"It would." Dee sighed. "I'll see what I can do. Thank you, Krista."

"Any time."

***

_If people are upset, they should go through the proper channels._

Felix had told her that, so long ago. She remembered how he looked then, young and confident, his hair cut so short the curls weren't in evidence, whole and leaning against the sinks, arms crossed. Dee held Hera's hand as they walked through the halls, trying to keep her conversation casual and not betray how badly her heart was pounding.

She knew she should ask the Admiral. After all, as Krista had said, the situation had changed. He might very well consent to Hera visiting her mother in the brig. But Dee didn't want to risk him saying no. It wasn't that she couldn't face Hera- Dee had the sense not to tell Hera where they were going. It was that she couldn't face the Old Man as he looked her in the eye and forbade a child to see her mother.

There was a Marine at the brig. Dee took a deep breath and stepped forward. Predictably, he moved to block her way. "No one is allowed to see the prisoner."

"The Admiral changed his plans," Dee said. "He's granting fifteen minutes." The Marine glanced down at Hera, and Dee stepped closer to him. "Captain Agathon was on the baseship. The Admiral felt that in light of the situation, the child's welfare must come first."

The Marine measured her with his eyes, and Dee couldn't tell whether he believed her or not. But he stepped aside, gun down, and said, "Fifteen minutes."

"Come on, Hera," Dee said. "Let's go see your mommy."

Hera's eyes flared open, and she nearly ran into the brig. Dee stood back, her mouth dry and her eyes wet as she watched Athena kneel down and talk to Hera through the bars. The scene was emotional, yes, but the idea that she had deliberately circumvented the Admiral and _knew_ that she was right… it was unthinkable.

The proper channels were failing all over the place. Dee wondered how much longer it would be before they crumbled entirely.

***

"Can I see the pictures?" Hera asked.

Dee had brought Hera back to the racks in order to quickly claim a few of her own items. Hera had noticed the snapshots in her locker.

"Sure," Dee said, holding Hera up so she could see.

"Who's that?" Hera asked, pointing at the ones that Dee had hung.

"That's me, when I was a little girl," Dee said.

Hera cocked her head. "Were you three?"

"No. I was five in that picture."

"What's that?" Hera asked, and Dee's eyes widened with surprise.

"It's a bike," she explained. "You ride it." Hera had never seen a bike before. Dee's heart nearly broke at that.

"Like a Raptor?"

"Not quite like a Raptor. It's very different. You ride it outside, and the wind blows through your hair…" Dee trailed off, thinking of those long afternoons riding her bike up and down the sidewalk outside her family's brownstone house on Sagittaron. She remembered the heat, the way the airwaves would appear in front of her, especially when she went over a vent, and the smell of cheap oil frying and onions and hot peppers, drifting down from open windows.

"Will I ever ride a bike?" Hera asked.

"I don't know. Maybe." Dee made a mental note to talk to Noel, to see if he could try to build one from the otherwise unusable scraps that were around. It wouldn't be a motorcycle, but it would be something.

Hera noticed that Dee had pictures in her rack. She slithered down Dee's body and climbed up on her bed, sitting on her knees and studying the other pictures. "That's Narcho," she said, pointing. "And Louis and Felix. Are they being silly?"

Dee remembered how drunk they were that night and smiled. "Very silly."

Hera cocked her head. "That's Apollo."

"Yes."

"I've never seen Apollo in a long time."

"I know. He hasn't been on _Galactica_ for a few months." Dee almost added that he was President now, but held her tongue. The barrage of questions (starting with "what's a President?") wasn't worth dispensing the knowledge. "Come on, sweetie. Let's go back to your place."

"All right." Hera clambered down and clutched Dee's hand. For the kind of day this child had had, she seemed like she was in a remarkably good mood. Dee stared at her wonderingly, wishing that she could just let the things she didn't understand wash over her head. "Can we color?" Hera asked.

"We can definitely color. Let's go."

***

She wasn't surprised when Narcho knocked on the Agathon's door late that night, and she let him in without comment. He was tired and beaten down- she could see the worry written across his face. "It could have been my squad," Noel said. "And it's going to be my squad. They'll send us after them."

"I know," Dee said. She glanced over at Hera's bed, where Hera was sprawled on her back over the covers, softly snoring.

"I don't want to send my pilots on a suicide mission," Noel said.

"I know."

Noel sat down. "Do you really think it will work, Dee? Do you _really_ think we can blow up the Resurrection Hub, find Earth, and have everyone start over?"

"I don't know." Dee sat down across from him.

Noel rested his hand on his chin. "Louis doesn't. It scares me when the Tactical Officer doesn't think that the plan is a good one."

"Louis is overcautious most days. You know that."

"And he doesn't believe in Earth," Noel agreed.

"If Earth's not real, all the more reason to go after the Hub," Dee pointed out. "It gives us a chance… what?"

Noel was tracing something on the table. "Dee," he said slowly, "what if Earth _is_ real?"

"What do you mean?" Dee asked warily, the memory of his body against hers coming forcibly to the forefront. She didn't want to discuss this, not now.

But that was the furthest thing from Noel's mind. "I mean, what if we get to Earth, and we find a thriving population? What if the Ones and Fours and Fives follow us there? Or what if the Twos and Sixes and Eights have yet another change of heart? We've heard this _we were wrong_ bullshit before, before we settled on New Caprica. It didn't last. What if we get to Earth, and we find out all we've done is lead a legion of nuke-happy Cylons down on yet another population?"

"Oh, Gods…" Dee whispered, because she'd never thought of that. "They must… Admiral Adama and President Roslin _must_ have thought about that. They…" she trailed off, shivering.

Noel looked worried. "Maybe I shouldn't have said anything."

"Maybe you should have said something sooner. Noel, you _have_ to ask the Admiral about this. If he hasn't thought of it, he needs to and…" Dee felt like throwing up.

"Can you help me?" Noel asked. "Tomorrow, before you go on your shift, can we go to the Admiral together? He won't listen to me- I'm a _Pegasus_ pilot and a new squadron leader afraid of losing more pilots, and he'll chalk it all up to that. I'm not tactical, I'm not strategy. But you… the Admiral listens to you. Will you help me do this?"

Dee extended her hand. "Absolutely," she said, looking Noel straight in the eye. "We'll do this together."

Noel took her hand.

They slept together in the Agathon's bed that night, Noel's arm tight around Dee's waist, Dee's back against the solidity of his chest.

***

"Admiral?" Dee almost poked her head into the hatch, and then smartly pulled herself together, jerking to attention. This would go so much better if she addressed the Admiral as professionally as possible. "Admiral Adama?"

Adama turned. He looked as bad as… as bad as Louis had been looking, Dee realized. She wondered if this was the best time. Colonel Tigh was sitting on the couch, looking as worried as Dee felt.

"Lieutenant," Adama said. "What can I do for you?"

"Sir, Lieutenant Allison," she gestured with her chin to Noel, "expressed some concerns about finding Earth. They are concerns I've never heard addressed, and-"

"We'll find Earth," Adama said. "But right now that's not our concern."

"No, sir, I realize that, but-"

"Lieutenant," Tigh overrode her, "now's really not the time."

Noel touched Dee's shoulder, and Dee saluted. "Yes, sir."

"We need you on shift in CIC," Tigh told her.

"I'm headed there now, sir." Adama didn't look up; he just continued to study some papers on his desk.

Tigh glanced at Noel, and a thought seemed to snap into his head. "Go down to the deck and tell Chief Laird to get a Raptor prepped," he ordered.

Noel saluted. "Yes, sir."

They left the study. "We'll try again later," Dee promised Noel. "After they get the baseship back."

"Or after the Admiral has admitted that they're not going to," Noel agreed darkly.

They looked at each other, and then Noel leaned over and kissed Dee carefully, on her cheek, right next to her lips. "I'd better go," he said.

"Yeah. Me, too." She smiled at him, and touched his bicep tentatively. "If they send you out… come back."

"I will." He cupped her cheek briefly, and there was light in his eyes as he did so. Then the gesture turned to a gentle pat, and he headed down the hall, whistling as he went.

Dee headed the opposite way to the CIC.

***

"Admiral on deck!" someone shouted.

Like everyone, Dee stood. But the last thing she expected was Tigh walking in, the Admiral's pins clear on his collar.

"Sit down," Tigh commanded. "It's only temporary. The Old Man will be back." A few people obeyed, but hesitatingly. "Sit down!" Tigh ordered again, this time more stridently. "You all know how this ship runs, so do it!"

Dee turned back to her console, but she watched Tigh discreetly as he went over to Louis and said something. Louis nodded, and turned back to his station.

"Dee," Louis said over the wireless, and Dee jerked her attention back to the console, "notify the ships captains that we're jumping. I'm transmitting the coordinates to you."

"I've got it, Louis. Dee watched as the numbers flicked up on her screen. "Wait a minute… I'm getting a transmission that Raptor six two-"

"Dee?" Adama's voice was deep and gravelly in her ear. "Put me through to Admiral Tigh."

"Yes, sir." Dee directed the transmission. "Good luck, sir," she said, even though she had no clear idea what he was doing.

"Thanks, Dee. Take care of _Galactica_ for me. Saul?"

Dee tuned out of the conversation almost automatically. Louis looked up at her, brows furrowed, and she shrugged. Although as she thought about it, the pieces of Adama's plan began to come together. Jump the Fleet to a new, secure location, leave a Raptor tailing at the rendezvous point, waiting just in case that basestar came back. It was risky, but only risky to the Raptor pilot.

Adama was waiting for Roslin. It would be romantic, Dee thought, if it wasn't so frakking stupid. She looked down at Tigh, standing uncomfortably in Adama's place and tugging unconsciously at his collar. If Adama was killed… she closed her eyes and shook her head. _Stupid_ was exactly the right word.

And yet, a part of her wished if _she_ was on that baseship, someone would wait in a Raptor for her.

***

Felix was sitting up in bed, picking at his food and talking to Louis when Dee managed to get to the sickbay. Neither of them looked happy, and they were both talking in the sort of low voices that Dee remembered hearing her parents use to discuss politics and finances.

"What's going on?" she asked.

Felix looked back down at his tray, but Louis sighed and sat back in his chair. "They're releasing him tomorrow. He needs to be back on duty."

"On duty?" Dee asked, shocked.

Louis nodded stiffly, and Dee looked to see what monitors Felix was still hooked to. She was a little surprised to realize that he wasn't hooked to any. It was a testament to the fact she hadn't been down in a few days.

"I'm sorry-" she began, but Felix waved her quiet.

"Don't worry about it," he said. "Louis and Tom have both been keeping me up to date, and believe me, Dee. I understand. It's exactly why I have to get back to work." He said that, but he still looked so tired and sick. He lay back against the pillow and closed his eyes. Louis exchanged worried glances with Dee.

Dee stood awkwardly, looking at the two of them. It took her a long minute to realize that she was staring at them because she was trying to avoid staring at Felix's leg. She flushed uncomfortably, but Felix's eyes were still closed and Louis didn't notice.

"I should get back to the CIC," she said awkwardly.

Felix opened his eyes and nodded. "I'll be back there tomorrow," he said. "Let _Admiral_ Tigh know, would you?"

Dee managed to smile. "You got a good laugh out of that, didn't you?" she asked lightly.

"Sure," Felix agreed, although Dee had the feeling he wasn't laughing much about anything right now. She stepped in and kissed him on the forehead, and then pulled away.

"I'll see you later. Are you staying in the infirmary one more night?"

"Yes. I'm going straight from here to the CIC tomorrow," Felix said.

"Okay." She nodded to Louis, and then left and headed back towards her racks.

The racks felt strange when she entered. Granted, she really hadn't spent much time in them. There had been a few nights after she'd left Lee, and then she'd spent two months in the Agathon's quarters… so of course they didn't feel right. But the truth was that all of _Galactica_ felt strange without the Old Man.

She sighed and slid into her own rack, embracing her knees as she looked around. She wished she had more pictures. There were the two of herself when she was a child that were in her locker, the picture she had of herself and Lee, and the picture of Louis, Felix and Noel that Hera noticed. There was one of the Admiral with Lee, and one of the Agathon family. She didn't have many pictures of her parents or her brother, but she pulled out what she had: her parents in a locket and her brother's high school picture. She laid them all neatly on her bed and then rested her head against her knees, humming a little tune under her breath as she looked at them. All the pieces of her life, there before her.

She was still staring at the pictures when the hatch opened and Louis entered. He came over to her rack and looked down for a long moment.

"No Hera today?" he asked.

"Tigh sent her down to her mother," Dee said. "You know, I looked at pictures the night before we launched the rescue op on New Caprica. Why do I feel like I'm doing the same thing right now?"

"When did you last sleep?" Louis asked her.

"When did you?" Dee looked up at him. His eyes were bloodshot and there were dark circles under them, and he still hadn't shaved.

Louis opened his locker and found his towel and a razor. "I'm going to sleep after I take a shower," he said.

"Cottle chased you out of the infirmary?"

"Yeah." He shut the locker door. "Plus, Felix said that Zarek usually visits him late at night. I really don't feel like meeting up with him." He sighed. "Although I feel less guilty about sleeping when I know Zarek's there."

Dee nodded absently, looking back down at her pictures. "If Felix is back on duty tomorrow, are you off?"

"You don't know?" Louis teased her half-heartedly. He scrubbed at his face with his hands. "No. I'll be in the CIC in," he glanced at his watch, "six hours, just like you."

"I'm surprised they never gave you any time off," Dee mused. "Well, no. I guess I'm not."

"I don't think the brass know about me and Felix anyway," Louis said. He looked over Dee's shoulder again and down at her pictures. "We've been keeping it quiet. Wouldn't want anyone to think we're sleeping our way into our positions." He grinned at her.

Dee didn't smile back, but not because she was offended. She picked up the picture of Felix, Noel, and Louis. "Did you ever get a copy of this?"

"I don't think so. Dee, go to sleep. You need it."

She moved her pictures a little closer together. "I will. In just a minute." Louis shot her one more worried look and then left to take his shower. As he did, Dee laid her cheek against her knees again, and touched the pictures gently, still humming her song.

***

The CIC door clanged open, and Dee looked up, heart in her throat. This time, it was what she was waiting for, and Felix came in, navigating slowly on his crutches. Doc Cottle was with him, which didn't surprise Dee. Tom Zarek also was with him, which did. It was an odd honor guard, and one that she could tell Tigh was not overly pleased to see.

Felix surveyed the CIC. He looked tired already; Dee was a little surprised that Cottle hadn't forced him into a wheelchair. Cottle made his way down to talk to Tigh, and Felix and Zarek started down more slowly. She could barely stand to watch him struggling along like this, with a part of himself literally missing.

Next to her, Timmins started clapping. Dee touched his shoulder and shook her head, and when she looked back at Felix, relief was clear on his face. The fewer people staring at him, the better.

From his station, Louis was watching as well. Dee knew what this must be costing him, not to go over and help. But even she had to admit that it was right this way. She didn't like Zarek, but he was still the Vice President of the Fleet, and the way he was helping Felix could only be construed as an honor due to a man who had made a sacrifice in the search for Earth. Zarek could help Felix in the CIC because he was his superior; help from an equal would make both Felix and Louis look weaker and unprofessional.

And yet, when Dee was standing down at the war table and Felix dropped his pills, she couldn't stop herself from picking them up for him, even knowing that it was a step back in his struggle. She retreated back to the table, studying the readout screens with blind eyes.

"DRADIS contact!" Felix's voice was sudden and strong in its functionality. Dee automatically looked at the DRADIS screen and there it was, bright and steady, clear in its position in the Fleet. The Cylon baseship. "Another contact, same bearing. It's a Raptor," Felix turned around, hope clear in his eyes. "Our people are back, sir."

Tigh bowed his head, just a quick expressive gesture of a weight taken off his shoulders. Dee couldn't blame him one bit.

***

She hadn't seen Lee since he took office, and it was a bit of a shock to see him stride into the CIC, wearing a pinstriped suit. He glanced at her, and for a moment she saw something flash in his eyes. Some recognition of what they'd been, some… _something._ But now wasn't the time for somethings.

Dee grabbed her clipboard and took her place beside Tigh in the war room. Now was the time to plan.

The Admiral strode into the CIC. He was back in his uniform, and Dee felt that unfailing feeling when she saw him, that the world was all right again. She knew it wasn't, not at all, and she was still terrified. But the sight of the Admiral walking in made her feel like they'd come through it… somehow.

Across the room, Lee met her eyes for a brief instant. He felt the same, she could see it flutter across his face before he turned into President Adama.

"All right," the Admiral said, looking right at Lee. "Let's figure out how to get our people back."

***

Dee thought that it would be possible to cut the tension in the CIC with a knife. It hung about, thick and heavy, worse than any combat situation because there was nothing anyone could do. It was a matter of waiting. She gazed around the CIC. She'd had the deck many, many times before, but this was easily the most nerve-wracking of all.

The phone buzzed, and she controlled herself from lunging at it.

"CIC," she said in her calm, measured voice as she picked it up. "Dualla."

"Dee?" it was Lee.

"Yes, Mr. President?"

Lee took a deep breath, and it almost sounded like it was shaking and upset. Dee firmed her shoulders. "I need you down in launch tube 5A," he said.

"Yes, sir." She paused. "Do we have them, sir?"

"We have one of them."

Dee glanced at the clock. Given how little time had passed, the Cylon _must_ have been on _Galactica_. She shivered. "Right away, sir." She hung up the phone. "Mr. Hoshi," she said, because Felix still looked gray and was taking a lot more pain medicine than the commanding officer should be taking, "you have the deck."

"Aye, sir."

They had a Cylon, and Lee was upset about it. Dee was willing to bet any money that the Cylon was Kara Thrace, and he wanted Dee because Dee would force what needed to be done. Dee wouldn't let him back down on this. The only other person on board _Galactica_ that Lee would be able to rely on for that would be Felix, and there was no way Felix could make it to the other end of the ship in time.

So it was a complete and utter shock when Dee entered the small compartment and saw Saul Tigh standing in the launch tube, hands tied behind his back.

For a moment, she could only stand still as the memories flashed in front of her eyes…. Tigh giving her orders the first day of her duty, Tigh's drunken rantings, Tigh pouring her a glass of whiskey and telling her to show Hoshi who was boss, Tigh coming back aboard the _Galactica_ after New Caprica, Tigh holding back her hair…. They flashed so quickly she could barely recognize them for what they were, memories of someone who was family.

She took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and took her place by Lee's side.

"Have you spoken to him?" she asked quietly.

"No," Lee said. "I was waiting for you."

Dee's eyes widened, but she couldn't say anything. She nodded, staring forward at the man- no, at the _Cylon_ standing in the launch tube. She wondered how the Admiral had taken it. "I'm ready," she told Lee.

"Thank you." Lee left the control room and, with a pair of Marines at his side, entered the launch tube. And Dee wasn't surprised when Lee's fist hit Tigh's face.

"Where are the others?" he demanded.

"Where's the Old Man?" Tigh responded.

The phone buzzed. "Dualla," Dee said as she picked it up.

"Dee, CIC," Louis said at the other end. "Is President Adama there?" The tone of his voice meant trouble.

"He is," Dee began.

"Get him," Louis ordered. "I've got the baseship."

"Right away." Dee covered the receiver and hit the intercom button. "Mr. President? The CIC. D'Anna's on the line."

Lee strode back in and took the phone from her. "This is the President," Lee said, in the same gray metal voice he'd once said, "This is the Commander."

Dee could make out D'Anna's voice. "Mr. President, you're running out of time."

"No, you are. You harm another one of my people- you so much as blacken one of their eyes- and I flush Saul Tigh out of a launch tube."

Gooseflesh rose on the back of Dee's neck, and she stared at the XO. Lee _meant_ it.

"We have no wish for further bloodshed," Dee heard D'Anna say. "Let us speak with the Admiral."

"No," Lee said, "you deal with me. You have ten minutes to release my people, or you can kiss one of your precious Final Five goodbye." He hung up the phone and pushed the intercom button. "You want to save the Fleet?" he asked Tigh. Tigh's head snapped around. "I need the others, and I need them now."

For a long, tense moment it seemed like Tigh wouldn't answer. Then finally he said, "They've got Tory Foster. The other two are Anders and Tyrol."

It took every ounce of control that Dee had to keep her mouth from dropping open. Anders and _Tyrol_? She wished she could sit down, she wished she could punch something… she wished she could make some sense of this whole frakking mess.

"You'd better be right," Lee growled. He released the intercom button and turned toward the control room door, where Marines were standing guard. "Sergeant Harden," he ordered, "go and get Samuel Anders and Galen Tyrol."

"Yes, sir."

A long silence ensued. Dee glanced up at Lee, and wished she could ask him what he was thinking. But his face was set like she'd never seen it before, determined and angry, fiercely protective. She'd seen hints of this when he'd come off the Viper or stood in the _Pegasus_ CIC. But she'd never seen it in full bloom like she was seeing it now.

_President Adama._ She'd laughed when she heard it. And now she felt a raw sort of triumph, that she _had_ been right. The man she'd loved did exist, and he was standing right here beside her, ready to do what had to be done to protect the people of the Fleet.

She didn't want him back, but Dee had never loved Lee more than she did in that control room, waiting for the other two Cylons to be brought in.

"Were they sleepers?" she asked Lee quietly.

"I don't know," Lee said shortly. "They must have been."

"Or there's more to Cylon history then we've been told," Dee surmised. The thought chilled her. Were there baseships out there of Tighs, Tyrols, Anders, and Fosters? They'd destroyed resurrection- would they manage to destroy one Cylon threat only to bring another on their heads? Or had these models all been wiped out by the seven they knew?

She snapped out of her thoughts as Tyrol and Anders were brought into the launch tube. They didn't struggle at all, and that was the worst sort of confirmation. "Get the baseship on the line." Lee ordered.

Dee snatched up the phone. "Mr. Hoshi," she said, her voice rough with anger, "we need the baseship."

"Right away, sir," Louis said. Dee heard the clicks and the feedback, and then Louis confirmed, "baseship is on the line." Dee handed Lee the phone.

"Are you ready to come to your senses, Mr. President?" D'Anna asked, all confidence.

Lee's eyes hardened. "Galen Tyrol and Samuel Anders have just joined Saul Tigh in the launch tube. Now, they have an express ride into the vacuum. You want them alive? Stand down." He hung up the phone. "They'll stand down," he said to Dee. "They have to."

The phone rang again. Dee answered it.

"Tactical." She heard Felix's voice. "The Cylon nukes just went hot."

"Copy that, Tactical. Stand by for orders."

"Aye, sir."

Dee replaced the phone slowly. "Mr. President," she said, and she was amazed her voice didn't tremble, "The baseship nukes just went hot. If any of our Fleet starts spooling up…" she trailed off in horror.

"They won't have time to jump before the Cylons fire," Lee finished. But instead of backing down, he just stood like an iron wall. "Sergeant Harden, clear the tube of everyone but Tigh."

Oh Gods. It was really coming to this. Tigh was really a Cylon, and Lee was really going to kill him. _Tigh_. Dee looked up at Lee. He'd once told her that killing a man would cost a piece of a soul. He'd been talking about Felix at the time, but she could see it… killing Tigh would cost him a piece of his.

And if that's what Lee Adama had to sacrifice to save humanity, that's what Lee Adama would sacrifice.

"Give me the key," he ordered her when Tigh was standing alone in the launch tube.

She took her strength from his and handed him the key without faltering, without fumbling. He thrust it into the lock and turned it, and the light flared red. A deep breath, another turn, and the green came up.

"What are you waiting for, Apollo?" Tigh shouted. "Do it!" he ordered, in a strangled whisper.

The door exploded open, and like the whirlwind she was, Kara Thrace slammed her hand over the button. "Stop! Please stop. These three frakking Cylons just gave us Earth."

_Earth._

***

"It can't be real," Louis said when Dee handed him a cup of coffee. "There's no frakking way it can be real." But his eyes were lighting up, and he watched Felix across the CIC anxiously.

"If it really is real…" Felix said when she brought him his, hope almost palpable in his voice. He looked back over his shoulder at where Louis was working. "Maybe it will be worth it after all."

"Is it real?" Noel asked her over a line from the ready room. "There's all these crazy rumors, and I keep hearing that we know where Earth is. Is it real?"

Dee didn't know how to answer any of them, because she could barely breathe. Because if Kara Thrace had found Earth, Dee would happily kiss her feet from here until the day that she died.

***

It _was_ real, or at least Admiral Adama thought so. He gave the instructions, handed out orders like this was any other jump. But they all knew it, and there was a serenity in the way the CIC operated, a quiet joy that could barely be contained.

"Board is set to green," Felix told her.

Dee swallowed. "Ready to jump, Admiral," she announced clearly.

The Admiral looked at peace as well. He turned to Laura Roslin, who stood by the war table. "Madam President, without you, we wouldn't have made it. Give the order."

_We're going home. We're going home. We're almost there, and I don't care what it's like, we're going HOME._ The words were running through Dee's head like a mantra. Roslin was trying to keep herself together, her face expressing everything Dee felt inside. "It's been a long time coming," she said. She wiped her eyes and pulled herself straight. "Take us to Earth."

Adama nodded at Dee, and she looked at the board. "Jumping in five, four, three, two, one… jump."

They jumped.

Dee held her breath, the disorientation evaporating as quickly as ever. The signals flashed to green in front of her, the reassuring data printing out. "Jump completed," she said.

"DRADIS is clear," Felix confirmed.

"Fleet is checking in," Louis added.

"Nav," Adama ordered.

"Confirming position." The entire CIC waited with bated breath, until Felix turned around slowly, a smug smile at being the first to know. "Visible constellations are a match."

Dee's eyes flooded with tears. _Visible constellations are a match._ Earth. They were really here. She looked at the Admiral, looked at Lee… her eyes scanned the entire CIC and she couldn't have said a word if she wanted to.

Adama picked up an intercom. "Women and men of _Galactica_. People of the Fleet. Three years ago, I promised to lead you to a new home. We've endured a difficult journey. We've all lost, we've all suffered, and the truth is, I questioned whether this day would ever come. But today, our journey is at an end. We have arrived... at Earth." He replaced the mouthpiece and reached out and drew Roslin into his arms, and somehow, that more than anything confirmed that they were here.

The CIC exploded.

All around her, people were screaming, cheering, celebrating. The President and the Admiral were still embracing, laying down their burdens already. Lee was watching them, still and silent, taking it all in. Louis crossed the CIC in swift steps, extending his hand to Felix, who immediately discarded propriety and pulled Louis in for a tight embrace, both of them laughing.

Dee stood still, unable to move because then it all might shatter.

The spell broke, but in such a glorious way. Lee whooped and jumped on the console, taking off his coat. He tossed it to her, and the gesture freed Dee. She doubled over laughing, missing the coat but catching the joy, reveling in the feeling. They were here. She laughed until the tears broke free and streamed down her face, until all of these people turned into blurs of color and light.

Whatever Earth was, whatever they found here… it was worth it. They were home.

***

"Dee."

Dee turned around to see Felix trying to catch up to her, painfully awkward on his crutches. "Felix. What's up?"

"Listen, can you do me a favor?" Felix asked.

"Sure. What is it?"

"It's kind of silly, but I just really… when you get down to Earth, if you find any flowers, could you bring a few back?"

"Flowers," Dee said dryly.

Felix flushed. "I told you it was silly," he said. "But Louis has done so much for me, and I…" he looked away, regaining his grip on his crutches. "Once we're down there, everything will calm down. I'll find myself again and I think maybe someday…" he struggled over the words and then gave up, but Dee understood what he meant and smiled. "But just for now, I'd like to surprise him. It's the stupidest gesture in the world, but at the same time…" he shrugged.

"Flowers," Dee said. "Check."

"Thanks, Dee." Felix limped off. "I'll owe you one."

***

She climbed aboard a Raptor with the President and the Admiral, with Helo and Sharon. She looked out the window and saw Noel waving at her from the cockpit of his Viper. Belatedly, she turned to the Admiral.

"Sir?" she asked. "What if the other faction of Cylons is still following us? What if they find us?"

"First things first, Dee," Adama said. "Who knows what defenses Earth will have?"

The safe feeling washed over her again. Of course. Why hadn't she and Noel ever considered that? The Colonies had had a defense system that _should_ have worked, but that had clearly been compromised in some manner. But they could keep that from happening again. They _could_. This time it would be-

"Sir, I'm picking up something odd on the scanners," Helo said.

Adama leaned forward. "What's wrong?"

"I'm not seeing any life."

"Uninhabited?" Roslin said. She exchanged looks with Adama. "Well, we can work with uninhabited," she said. "Or maybe it's just the area."

"Maybe," Helo said darkly, but when they landed and took in the gray skies, the ruins, and the dust and rubble, they all knew that those were straws to grasp at.

***

Dee stood on the shore, tears streaking down her face as she stared at the gray expanse in front of her. Felix had said several times he wanted to see an ocean again.

She wished he'd never gotten his wish. She wondered, too, how she'd tell him that there were no flowers to bring back, that Earth had nothing to give.

She saw Noel in the distance, cresting a hill, a silhouette at first and then resolving into features. And when she saw his face, ruined and sad, she knew exactly how her own looked. She turned away from him, and he turned away from her.

The water lapped against her boots. She'd already been warned about the radioactivity, but the water still seemed so harmless. She knelt and cupped it in her hands, letting it run through her fingers. She knew that the other Raptors and Vipers were searching the planet, praying desperately that this was some casualty of a war, and that the victors were alive elsewhere, secure in their dominance.

Something moved in the water, and Dee knelt to see what it was.

It wasn't a fish, and it wasn't a reflection. Instead, it was something small and spiked, with such perfect symmetry that it had to be manufactured. Dee knelt down to pick up the last thing in the world she ever would have expected… a set of jacks.

She'd played jacks as a child, kneeling on the sidewalk in front of her house, the cracked cement hot under her knees. She'd taunted her friends that she could pick up more, that she was the reigning jacks champion, that she could never be beat. The childhood memories were dull under the radioactive clouds, failing to glisten in her hand.

She laid a hand on her stomach. She wasn't pregnant, she knew that for a fact. But she'd hoped that her child would play jacks in the sun on Earth, jump rope and ride her bike.

She broke down and began to cry.

***

_Sunlight. Warm sunlight on her shoulders._

She was a child, running through the fields of weeds that looked like wildflowers. She was home in her house, the warmth and the safety surrounding her, her mother calling her and her brothers to supper. She was with her father as he helped her study, his hand on her shoulder. She was reporting for duty on the Galactica_, she was with the Admiral._

She was in Billy's arms, his ring on her finger. She was waiting for Lee as she rocked a baby on her shoulder. She was watching Noel from a distance as he and Louis chased Dee's daughter, and Felix sat beside her weaving daisy chains instead of working on the accounts. In the distance, the sound of horses neighing cut through the summer humidity.

She was with them all, she was flying and she was grounded, she was a part of something and she was solidity by herself. She was at peace.

Dee opened her eyes.

A grassy hill was before her, and she began to climb it. It was hard going in her dress, a floaty white skirt tangling her legs, but it never stained. She climbed for what felt like hours.

A man was sitting on the hill. He came into focus slowly, and she stopped as she saw his face.

"Louis?"

The man smiled. It was Louis's smile and Louis's eyes, but it was not Louis's face. "No," he said. "Thomas." He extended his hand. He was sitting, his legs stretched out and his face tilted up to the sun. He had long gray hair tied back in a ponytail, a worn vest and earth-stained hands. "You're Dee."

"You know me?"

"I've been watching you. Figured you'd come this way." He patted the ground beside him. "Have a seat."

"I'm tired," Dee admitted, but she stayed standing.

"That why you did it?"

Dee blinked, and then she nodded. To her surprise, it hurt.

"Well, can't say I blame you," Thomas said. He was chewing on a stalk of grain.

Silence stretched between them, but it was warm and companionable. Dee felt like this man knew everything in her heart with no words, and she knew everything in his. And there was no doubt in her mind that this was the man that had raised Louis Hoshi, and that he was a good man.

"I saw you once before," she said slowly. "With my baby."

"You saw what you wanted to see," he said, shrugging.

"Is that what I'm seeing now?" Dee asked.

Thomas shook his head. "No. Funny enough, this is real."

"So what happens now?" she asked.

"Just waiting," Thomas said. "I imagine we're waiting for the same thing. And if I'm right, we'll be having some company in a bit."

"Is it always like this?" Dee asked.

"You've figured that out already," Thomas answered, and Dee understood. Those parts of her she'd felt, those reverberations of her soul were no less real than this one right here. This was only a fragment of her, and this fragment belonged here.

"Why don't you go on?" she asked him. "Why don't you finish climbing?"

Thomas shifted the stalk of grain in his mouth. "It will never be paradise until they're all with me," he said. "_All_ of my children. Six of them are home. It's just the last one." He smiled. "I hope I'm here for a long time still. But I'll wait until the world ends for him to come home."

Dee nodded. "I'll wait with you, if you like."

"I thought you would. Have a seat, young lady. We've got a while, and the view is good from here." So Dee sat beside Thomas Hoshi on a sharp grassy hill.

The sun was warm on her shoulders, the grass was soft under her hands. Thomas was real enough that she could feel the warmth of him as she sat close. As they waited, they talked and laughed and cried, and watched as the world unfolded and took shape. And even here on this hillside, the world made sense and Dee felt at peace.

She knew that one day soon they'd be joined by Noel and Felix, one right after the other. They'd climb that hill and they'd sit there, Felix lounging with his two legs stretched out before him, Noel tinkering with some little project in his hands. Thomas would smile to see them, and the four of them would rest. They would wait for Louis to finish his work and his life, and then they would all go home together.


End file.
